Hello fellow Era members, sit a while and listen.
Don't even know why I'm opening this thread, since I always found similar threads silly, but I guess it helps to share (or overshare), to get some peace of mind. This might be a longer post. I mentioned a couple of times before in other threads that I immigrated to the US from a Balkan country 6 years ago chasing the "American dream", I was lucky enough to receive a scholarship for a two-year acting conservatory in NYC (also being the first person from my country to attend said school) and it seemed like the universe was finally aligning for me.
Prior to coming to the US I always felt that NYC spoke to me, it went as far as me trying extra hard in school back home when it came to speaking English and all in all I felt so much pride when someone from the US would tell me that they didn't know I was from outside the country until I would say it. So I packed two suitcases, went through the extremely strenuous process of obtaining a student visa (trust me, I prayed to God that the guy at the embassy doesn't look too much into my parents finances, because even with us being almost upper middle class, for US standards we were fucking poor), found a $500/month shared room, kissed my then girlfriend of 3 years (the length we dated you fool, not her age) goodbye with hopes that long distance would work, hugged my parents, friends and embarked on my journey. That was in September 2016.
Chapter 1 - Welcome to the streets
My first, shared (yes, I was sharing a room with another guy, separate beds), room was located in Bushwick in a neighborhood that most people would avoid. To me, it looked exactly like the starting area in GTA IV. It was certainly worse than my homeplace, but I've seen worse. The one thing (that I already knew from previously visiting NYC the year prior) I just couldn't wrap my head around was the amount of thrash EVERYWHERE, just random ass shit laying around on the curb. But, I didn't care, I was finally here, this is it, I'm about to fuck shit up. When I finally found the house where the room was located, reality started to sip in a bit. The whole place was filthy, shared by like 8 roommates, with a dirty kitchen etc., you know, just the worst stuff. I will never forget that moment I entered the room, connected to wifi, called my family to let them know that I made it safely, the moment I ended the call tears started flowing down my face, it was mostly the realization that I don't have anyone here and that I'll have to get all of this alone, it was the first time in 24 years of my life that I was completely alone. And it made sense, my parents survived a war so they always made sure that family is the most important thing in life, and I willingly decided to go a lone wolf path. The first day in that room I knew I will move in a couple of months.
Chapter 2 - The good, the bad, the ugly
This was probably the most fun part of my journey, my two-year study in NYC. Shit was insane, a school full of people crazy about art, hustling, trying to win that lottery ticket and get your name into the history books. I wasn't scared at all considering that I went through a 4 year rigorous Bachelor's degree back home, so I had a huge head start compared to some students that were getting into acting for the first time. I immediately auditioned for a school production and got a part, I was nervous about acting in English but I didn't let it hold me back. A big downside was that literally two months later Trump got elected and I had to listen to news about him on a daily basis for the next 4 years (talk about a buzzkill). But, life seemed to be good, I couldn't work since I was on a student visa, and I had a budget of $1200 a month total, so I was frugal as hell, some night going to bed hungry in order to save on a food portion. I quickly became a favorite in school among the other students so I was getting invited to all these crazy student parties, and if one thing about US movies is true, it's the fucking parties! I had a tremendous amount of fun, some legendary nights that I will remember for the rest of my life. Unfortunately, my long distance relationship didn't work out so by December 2016 my ex and I decided to go our separate ways since at that point I thought that I'm staying in the US and she had no intention on leaving. Emotionally, I was pretty wrecked since we really cared about each other, but it is what it is. I remember that one night when I finally moved into a private room which cost me $750 (around $850 after utility bills) and I was sitting in this empty room, no bed, just a blanket that I brought from home and a small pillow, I felt the world shrinking around me since now I REALLY had to be frugal, but it was fine, I was following my dream.
Chapter 3 - Euphoria
The next year and a half were pretty solid, despite the lack of money, I was doing great at school, all the teachers loved the amount of work I was pouring into everything, one of the castmates from my first show started dating me, graduation was close and I knew that I would finally get a 1 year work permit which would allow me to actually get paid for acting work. Graduation came and passed, I visited home prior to that after a year being away, everything was going according to plan. I got my work permit, did a couple small Off Broadway productions, but some ugly things started showing their tail. Turns out, when you're here on OPT, a lot of casting agents won't even look at your resume knowing that you'll lose your right to work in a year, and in order to qualify for an artist visa (which lasts 3 years) you have to have some good professional references, and I mean really good, I saw a lot of fellow students get outright rejected after they would prepare their applications for 6 months with lawyers and everything. It was not looking great, not to mention that there's a huge upfront cost to the application (seriously, fuck the amount of times the US government will charge you hundreds of dollars for regular visa stuff, it's insane). At this point, my girlfriend and I lived together for almost two years, we were both in our late 20's and we realized that we want to spend the rest of our lives together and had no time for dating games any more. So we got married, we rented out a small stage and had our wedding ceremony there (we basically met on a stage so we wanted to bind our love there too). It was just us and our closest friends, her family never found out we married because they were extremely judgmental towards me and hated my guts (not to mention that her mom said some really fucked up shit about me being Muslim, but that a whole other story). With that came my green card application.
Chapter 4 - You will learn emotional pain
I'm sure a lot of members who went through the green card process know what's coming up, a LOT of waiting. We submitted our application, my current work permit expired and we had to wait for a new one based on the green card application. This was early 2019, at this point I haven't been home 2 years, and I couldn't leave the country until I got issued a travel permit. It took a whole 7 months for my work permit to arrive. Now here's the kicker, summer 2019 my dad got prostate cancer and I couldn't be there for any of it, not his chemo, not his surgery, it was tearing me apart. In addition to that, the good US government forgot to send me my travel permit, so I still couldn't leave the country at the end of 2019, I just wanted to go see my dad. In the meantime, my wife basically gave up on her acting dream and got a 9-5, so me doing part time gigs wasn't a good look and I was severely slacking in financial support. (I forgot, before we got married I had a side gig that was making me decent money which I used to buy an Xbox One X, and I was basically spending it on us as much as possible, I didn't have enough hindsight considering that I came from a poor country and it was the first time I had a bunch of money and no one telling me that I can't buy a console etc. I own up to that mistake). We figured a compromise, I'll find a full time job that's theatre/arts related and audition on the side. I had a great position lined up, and I got my travel permit, but I decided not to leave for a visit home yet because at the same time my GC interview got scheduled for the next month. This was March 2020.
Chapter 5 - Even if you don't get it, COVID will wreck your life
Covid hit, all of Broadway shuts down, and basically all job opportunities disappear in an instant, my wife got lucky since her workplace just switched to WFH, but I got hit hard, my interview got delayed indefinitely, and it seemed I won't be able to travel home any time soon. Luckily I qualified for unemployment, and a couple of months later I accepted a job as a keyholder at Modell's, which was liquidating it's company so it was just for a couple of months. At this point, my wife was carrying a huge weight on her back, she was the breadwinner, I had health insurance because of her and she had life figured out much better than me, granted she is 4 years older than me and she had a business degree from Boston, so she had no trouble finding work, me on the other hand, with a degree in art, not so much (and just fyi, I'm not shocked or anything, I knew full well how much it's worth in the US...0%). After the Modell's gig I got a keyholder gig at a luxury clothing store which was full time and didn't sound too bad on paper ($21/h + 3% commission), but the reality was that the whole country was in lockdown and we hardly sold shit in the store, so the paychecks were not too great, but oh well. End of 2020 I got my conditional green card (valid only 2 years, since at the time of the interview my wife and I were married less than 2 years) and I tried sticking to my retail job, which I absolutely hated, I had no interest in luxury clothing, and I felt sleazy trying to sell stuff to people. Then, after beating cancer a year prior, they found another tumor in my dad's bladder, suffice to say that I was losing my mind, but with all odds against him, he managed to beat it a second time. After 4 years of not seeing my family, my wife and I finally visited home, it was a short, bittersweet visit, a lot of crying and laughter and it was over far too quickly. We came back to New York, and it seemed like the pandemic is finally ending, in the meantime I qualified for Actors Equity, which was my ticket to getting into an actual audition room....only problem is....the audition rooms never opened, it all stayed digital, and for theatre, that can be fatal. After becoming severely depressed from retail work I decided to do the dumbest thing ever, and quit on the spot without anything lined up.
Chapter 6 - Sometimes, when you win, you lose
By the time I managed to get new work (this time part time, but theatre related) I basically burnt through my emergency savings, at this point my married was strained more and more considering that my wife switched jobs and her new work place wasn't covering health insurance completely, so having both of us on her insurance was costing her a lot, meantime it seemed like I'm not moving up no matter how hard I was trying. I'll try to shorten this chapter as much as possible, let's just say I kept failing as a husband, and the dream about having a family here just seemed impossible at this point. We started having more and more fights, and it all culminated with her taking a $30k pay cut for a WFH only opportunity (which I approved of, her mental health is more important to me than anything else) and me basically losing health insurance since I just couldn't have her pay $600 for me, at the same time, because our combined household income was higher, I didn't qualify for any low income health insurance, so I'm basically stuck without any coverage. At the same time, her parents (Korean immigrants), lost their laundromat and were in dire financial trouble, so she had to help out there too. It slowly became clear that we reached a point of no return and that a major decision had to be made. After weeks of arguing, talking, crying together, trying to figure stuff out, she decided to move back to her parents house in Ohio, naturally, since they hate me and don't know that we're married (yes, we managed to hide it from them for 4 years) I can't just go with her, at the same time, my current part time job is at a well known performance venue in NYC and I was hoping that I would transition to full time for the next season, which starts in September. In addition to all that, our current lease ends on the 15th, and we were supposed to submit for the removal of condition on my current green card, which expires in September. After trying to figure out what to do, I just came to the same realization that I had 6 years ago, I came here all alone, and there was no path forward, I would have to come up with $4000 in the next couple of days in order to secure a new place and move, and to pay for the GC application, and there's still rent for the last 15 days of our lease coming up. Everything in the US became incredibly expensive, even the cheapest food I used to buy is super expensive. So yeah, I can't stay long enough for us to do our second interview, so I have to forfeit my resident status, we can't start a family here, and I have to leave the love of my life. I've never felt more like a failure and this amount of shame in me, I disappointed my family, my friends, and I failed my wife who sacrificed a lot for this to work. Today we spent the whole day sobbing, we have a small dog, we raised him, I feel like I'm losing a kid, our emotions are all over the place. There is one small sliver of hope, my wife will decide in the next couple of months (if her work permits it) to come and visit me and stay for two months, if she finds it comfy and can still do her work, she might move to where I'm going, we have free healthcare in my country, and I have a 3 story house so there would be no rent (Hot damn, fuck NYC rent prices),and food and everything is dirt cheap, so she would be able to save much more than living in the US and could actually help her parents more that way (her parents wouldn't be alone since she has a sister), the thing that sucks about my country is that I would have trouble finding work (which shouldn't be a problem for her if she gets to keep her current job), but with my NYC experience on my resume, this time I might have some? chance. We came to terms that if it doesn't work out, divorce is the only thing left for us, it's only fair.
Epilogue
Yeah, NYC will eat you alive if you're immigrating from a poor country and don't hit the ground running, and I failed, I failed like a motherfucker. The next 20 days I'll spend selling off everything I'm not bringing with me (when we had it good and I had enough money to save up, put into my 401k and still have extra leftover, I finally built a dream PC, so kissing that goodbye too, but it's unimportant considering that I'm losing my wife and dog). All I'm feeling now is uncertainty, and I'm scared shitless. Era, go hug your life partner and tell them you love them, because, out of experience, there is no worse feeling than the feeling you have while sitting in a room with no bed, one blanket and one small pillow, the feeling of being completely alone.
TLDR;
Immigrated 6 years ago, failed as a husband, failed to get shit together, leaving the US for good in the next 20 days.
Stay safe everyone!
Don't even know why I'm opening this thread, since I always found similar threads silly, but I guess it helps to share (or overshare), to get some peace of mind. This might be a longer post. I mentioned a couple of times before in other threads that I immigrated to the US from a Balkan country 6 years ago chasing the "American dream", I was lucky enough to receive a scholarship for a two-year acting conservatory in NYC (also being the first person from my country to attend said school) and it seemed like the universe was finally aligning for me.
Prior to coming to the US I always felt that NYC spoke to me, it went as far as me trying extra hard in school back home when it came to speaking English and all in all I felt so much pride when someone from the US would tell me that they didn't know I was from outside the country until I would say it. So I packed two suitcases, went through the extremely strenuous process of obtaining a student visa (trust me, I prayed to God that the guy at the embassy doesn't look too much into my parents finances, because even with us being almost upper middle class, for US standards we were fucking poor), found a $500/month shared room, kissed my then girlfriend of 3 years (the length we dated you fool, not her age) goodbye with hopes that long distance would work, hugged my parents, friends and embarked on my journey. That was in September 2016.
Chapter 1 - Welcome to the streets
My first, shared (yes, I was sharing a room with another guy, separate beds), room was located in Bushwick in a neighborhood that most people would avoid. To me, it looked exactly like the starting area in GTA IV. It was certainly worse than my homeplace, but I've seen worse. The one thing (that I already knew from previously visiting NYC the year prior) I just couldn't wrap my head around was the amount of thrash EVERYWHERE, just random ass shit laying around on the curb. But, I didn't care, I was finally here, this is it, I'm about to fuck shit up. When I finally found the house where the room was located, reality started to sip in a bit. The whole place was filthy, shared by like 8 roommates, with a dirty kitchen etc., you know, just the worst stuff. I will never forget that moment I entered the room, connected to wifi, called my family to let them know that I made it safely, the moment I ended the call tears started flowing down my face, it was mostly the realization that I don't have anyone here and that I'll have to get all of this alone, it was the first time in 24 years of my life that I was completely alone. And it made sense, my parents survived a war so they always made sure that family is the most important thing in life, and I willingly decided to go a lone wolf path. The first day in that room I knew I will move in a couple of months.
Chapter 2 - The good, the bad, the ugly
This was probably the most fun part of my journey, my two-year study in NYC. Shit was insane, a school full of people crazy about art, hustling, trying to win that lottery ticket and get your name into the history books. I wasn't scared at all considering that I went through a 4 year rigorous Bachelor's degree back home, so I had a huge head start compared to some students that were getting into acting for the first time. I immediately auditioned for a school production and got a part, I was nervous about acting in English but I didn't let it hold me back. A big downside was that literally two months later Trump got elected and I had to listen to news about him on a daily basis for the next 4 years (talk about a buzzkill). But, life seemed to be good, I couldn't work since I was on a student visa, and I had a budget of $1200 a month total, so I was frugal as hell, some night going to bed hungry in order to save on a food portion. I quickly became a favorite in school among the other students so I was getting invited to all these crazy student parties, and if one thing about US movies is true, it's the fucking parties! I had a tremendous amount of fun, some legendary nights that I will remember for the rest of my life. Unfortunately, my long distance relationship didn't work out so by December 2016 my ex and I decided to go our separate ways since at that point I thought that I'm staying in the US and she had no intention on leaving. Emotionally, I was pretty wrecked since we really cared about each other, but it is what it is. I remember that one night when I finally moved into a private room which cost me $750 (around $850 after utility bills) and I was sitting in this empty room, no bed, just a blanket that I brought from home and a small pillow, I felt the world shrinking around me since now I REALLY had to be frugal, but it was fine, I was following my dream.
Chapter 3 - Euphoria
The next year and a half were pretty solid, despite the lack of money, I was doing great at school, all the teachers loved the amount of work I was pouring into everything, one of the castmates from my first show started dating me, graduation was close and I knew that I would finally get a 1 year work permit which would allow me to actually get paid for acting work. Graduation came and passed, I visited home prior to that after a year being away, everything was going according to plan. I got my work permit, did a couple small Off Broadway productions, but some ugly things started showing their tail. Turns out, when you're here on OPT, a lot of casting agents won't even look at your resume knowing that you'll lose your right to work in a year, and in order to qualify for an artist visa (which lasts 3 years) you have to have some good professional references, and I mean really good, I saw a lot of fellow students get outright rejected after they would prepare their applications for 6 months with lawyers and everything. It was not looking great, not to mention that there's a huge upfront cost to the application (seriously, fuck the amount of times the US government will charge you hundreds of dollars for regular visa stuff, it's insane). At this point, my girlfriend and I lived together for almost two years, we were both in our late 20's and we realized that we want to spend the rest of our lives together and had no time for dating games any more. So we got married, we rented out a small stage and had our wedding ceremony there (we basically met on a stage so we wanted to bind our love there too). It was just us and our closest friends, her family never found out we married because they were extremely judgmental towards me and hated my guts (not to mention that her mom said some really fucked up shit about me being Muslim, but that a whole other story). With that came my green card application.
Chapter 4 - You will learn emotional pain
I'm sure a lot of members who went through the green card process know what's coming up, a LOT of waiting. We submitted our application, my current work permit expired and we had to wait for a new one based on the green card application. This was early 2019, at this point I haven't been home 2 years, and I couldn't leave the country until I got issued a travel permit. It took a whole 7 months for my work permit to arrive. Now here's the kicker, summer 2019 my dad got prostate cancer and I couldn't be there for any of it, not his chemo, not his surgery, it was tearing me apart. In addition to that, the good US government forgot to send me my travel permit, so I still couldn't leave the country at the end of 2019, I just wanted to go see my dad. In the meantime, my wife basically gave up on her acting dream and got a 9-5, so me doing part time gigs wasn't a good look and I was severely slacking in financial support. (I forgot, before we got married I had a side gig that was making me decent money which I used to buy an Xbox One X, and I was basically spending it on us as much as possible, I didn't have enough hindsight considering that I came from a poor country and it was the first time I had a bunch of money and no one telling me that I can't buy a console etc. I own up to that mistake). We figured a compromise, I'll find a full time job that's theatre/arts related and audition on the side. I had a great position lined up, and I got my travel permit, but I decided not to leave for a visit home yet because at the same time my GC interview got scheduled for the next month. This was March 2020.
Chapter 5 - Even if you don't get it, COVID will wreck your life
Covid hit, all of Broadway shuts down, and basically all job opportunities disappear in an instant, my wife got lucky since her workplace just switched to WFH, but I got hit hard, my interview got delayed indefinitely, and it seemed I won't be able to travel home any time soon. Luckily I qualified for unemployment, and a couple of months later I accepted a job as a keyholder at Modell's, which was liquidating it's company so it was just for a couple of months. At this point, my wife was carrying a huge weight on her back, she was the breadwinner, I had health insurance because of her and she had life figured out much better than me, granted she is 4 years older than me and she had a business degree from Boston, so she had no trouble finding work, me on the other hand, with a degree in art, not so much (and just fyi, I'm not shocked or anything, I knew full well how much it's worth in the US...0%). After the Modell's gig I got a keyholder gig at a luxury clothing store which was full time and didn't sound too bad on paper ($21/h + 3% commission), but the reality was that the whole country was in lockdown and we hardly sold shit in the store, so the paychecks were not too great, but oh well. End of 2020 I got my conditional green card (valid only 2 years, since at the time of the interview my wife and I were married less than 2 years) and I tried sticking to my retail job, which I absolutely hated, I had no interest in luxury clothing, and I felt sleazy trying to sell stuff to people. Then, after beating cancer a year prior, they found another tumor in my dad's bladder, suffice to say that I was losing my mind, but with all odds against him, he managed to beat it a second time. After 4 years of not seeing my family, my wife and I finally visited home, it was a short, bittersweet visit, a lot of crying and laughter and it was over far too quickly. We came back to New York, and it seemed like the pandemic is finally ending, in the meantime I qualified for Actors Equity, which was my ticket to getting into an actual audition room....only problem is....the audition rooms never opened, it all stayed digital, and for theatre, that can be fatal. After becoming severely depressed from retail work I decided to do the dumbest thing ever, and quit on the spot without anything lined up.
Chapter 6 - Sometimes, when you win, you lose
By the time I managed to get new work (this time part time, but theatre related) I basically burnt through my emergency savings, at this point my married was strained more and more considering that my wife switched jobs and her new work place wasn't covering health insurance completely, so having both of us on her insurance was costing her a lot, meantime it seemed like I'm not moving up no matter how hard I was trying. I'll try to shorten this chapter as much as possible, let's just say I kept failing as a husband, and the dream about having a family here just seemed impossible at this point. We started having more and more fights, and it all culminated with her taking a $30k pay cut for a WFH only opportunity (which I approved of, her mental health is more important to me than anything else) and me basically losing health insurance since I just couldn't have her pay $600 for me, at the same time, because our combined household income was higher, I didn't qualify for any low income health insurance, so I'm basically stuck without any coverage. At the same time, her parents (Korean immigrants), lost their laundromat and were in dire financial trouble, so she had to help out there too. It slowly became clear that we reached a point of no return and that a major decision had to be made. After weeks of arguing, talking, crying together, trying to figure stuff out, she decided to move back to her parents house in Ohio, naturally, since they hate me and don't know that we're married (yes, we managed to hide it from them for 4 years) I can't just go with her, at the same time, my current part time job is at a well known performance venue in NYC and I was hoping that I would transition to full time for the next season, which starts in September. In addition to all that, our current lease ends on the 15th, and we were supposed to submit for the removal of condition on my current green card, which expires in September. After trying to figure out what to do, I just came to the same realization that I had 6 years ago, I came here all alone, and there was no path forward, I would have to come up with $4000 in the next couple of days in order to secure a new place and move, and to pay for the GC application, and there's still rent for the last 15 days of our lease coming up. Everything in the US became incredibly expensive, even the cheapest food I used to buy is super expensive. So yeah, I can't stay long enough for us to do our second interview, so I have to forfeit my resident status, we can't start a family here, and I have to leave the love of my life. I've never felt more like a failure and this amount of shame in me, I disappointed my family, my friends, and I failed my wife who sacrificed a lot for this to work. Today we spent the whole day sobbing, we have a small dog, we raised him, I feel like I'm losing a kid, our emotions are all over the place. There is one small sliver of hope, my wife will decide in the next couple of months (if her work permits it) to come and visit me and stay for two months, if she finds it comfy and can still do her work, she might move to where I'm going, we have free healthcare in my country, and I have a 3 story house so there would be no rent (Hot damn, fuck NYC rent prices),and food and everything is dirt cheap, so she would be able to save much more than living in the US and could actually help her parents more that way (her parents wouldn't be alone since she has a sister), the thing that sucks about my country is that I would have trouble finding work (which shouldn't be a problem for her if she gets to keep her current job), but with my NYC experience on my resume, this time I might have some? chance. We came to terms that if it doesn't work out, divorce is the only thing left for us, it's only fair.
Epilogue
Yeah, NYC will eat you alive if you're immigrating from a poor country and don't hit the ground running, and I failed, I failed like a motherfucker. The next 20 days I'll spend selling off everything I'm not bringing with me (when we had it good and I had enough money to save up, put into my 401k and still have extra leftover, I finally built a dream PC, so kissing that goodbye too, but it's unimportant considering that I'm losing my wife and dog). All I'm feeling now is uncertainty, and I'm scared shitless. Era, go hug your life partner and tell them you love them, because, out of experience, there is no worse feeling than the feeling you have while sitting in a room with no bed, one blanket and one small pillow, the feeling of being completely alone.
TLDR;
Immigrated 6 years ago, failed as a husband, failed to get shit together, leaving the US for good in the next 20 days.
Stay safe everyone!
