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What do you do if you fall in love with your best friend?

Nothing Loud

Nothing Loud

Literally Cinderella
Member
Oct 25, 2017
9,975
I'm poly/open and pretty demisexual and I've got a major crush on my best friend. I'm seeing him go on dates and the jealousy is killing me on the inside. I want to remain friends with him and he knows I like him and he's okay with it even though he doesn't feel the same, but seeing him be with other people and not me is very hard for me. I can't help but compare myself to his dates, wonder what they have that I don't, etc and it's very toxic/distracting for me. I don't want to lose the friendship but I can hardly take being so close to him and yet being so far from what I wish the relationship could be. He would date me if it wasn't for me being already in a relationship (again I'm poly) and the other guys he's with seem similar to me which makes it hard to understand why he doesn't like me and it's just torturing me.

Anyone else been in these shoes? How did you get over or resolve it?
 
TorianElecdra

TorianElecdra

Member
Feb 25, 2020
2,510
Seems like he's not necessarily rejecting who you are, but more like he is just not attracted to poly stuff and you should just respect that.
 
Desi

Desi

Member
Oct 30, 2017
4,210
If I fell for a friend. I would always tell them even if they suspected it. Just a huge weight off my shoulders and I have no problem taking a "not interested" reply from them and continuing to be their friend. Some feel uncomfortable and the friendship is over others are fine with it.

Also don't compare yourself to their dates. Their dates are always terrible and it is no help for you in that state to think about how yours would have gone perfect.
 
Knight613

Knight613

Member
Oct 25, 2017
20,672
San Francisco
Nothing Loud said:
Yeah probably, and I respect his lack of interest in the poly thing. It's just personally devastating to me. It's my problem, not his, I know that. I just don't know what to do
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To be honest, it sounds like you only want him because you can't have him. If you really wanted him, you'd end your currently relationship to give it a shot with him especially if he isn't into poly himself.
 
Quzar

Quzar

Banned
Oct 31, 2017
1,166
Bro go pull your pud, falling for friends is not a good place to be.
 
OP
OP
Nothing Loud

Nothing Loud

Literally Cinderella
Member
Oct 25, 2017
9,975
Knight613 said:
To be honest, it sounds like you only want him because you can't have him. If you really wanted him, you'd end your currently relationship to give it a shot with him especially if he isn't into poly himself.
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I'm married in 2 countries (dual-citizen) and I still love my husband and I'm not going to end that over having a relationship with my best friend, so if that's indeed what it takes, then yeah it's never going to happen and I just need to figure out how to get over the infatuation myself. It just hurts.
 
Xterrian

Xterrian

Member
Apr 20, 2018
2,793
How long has this been a thing? Not to downplay love, but there's a difference between being infatuated for 3 months versus 3 years.

It seems like you two have a good relationship, and him being okay with your feelings is great news in terms of maintaining friendship at least.

You also said that he would date you if not for prior commitments. Did he explicitly say that, or did you infer it? If it's the former, you really have nothing to worry about. Just let both of you continue along your current paths and see if you both feel this way later on.
 
FUME5

FUME5

Banned
Oct 25, 2017
6,421
He would date me if it wasn't for me being already in a relationship (again I'm poly) and the other guys he's with seem similar to me which makes it hard to understand why he doesn't like me and it's just torturing me.

He doesn't want to be in an open relationship, how is this in any way confusing for you.

This is less than a month into you and your partner deciding to become poly, and you have strong feelings of jealousy over not being able to date / fuck your best friend?
 
Mammoth Jones

Mammoth Jones

Member
Oct 25, 2017
12,299
New York
Either accept the friendship or fall back altogether. Clearly doesn't want a relationship so if you're a good friend you'll respect that above all else.

Whatever you do, don't just be his friend on the chance he'll change his feelings. Assume they won't: Are you ok being his friend only?

Quzar said:
Bro go pull your pud, falling for friends is not a good place to be.
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This.
 
Asklepios

Asklepios

Member
Oct 28, 2017
1,505
United Kingdom
If he knows you're into him but doesn't reciprocate because your poly, then that's that. It's a good enough reason. You gotta move on OP. You are going to ruin the friendship too.
 
Kthulhu

Kthulhu

Member
Oct 25, 2017
14,670
You should probably just be honest with your feelings. If you bottle things up you'll just torture yourself.
 
Z-Beat

Z-Beat

One Winged Slayer
Member
Oct 25, 2017
31,840
I don't think you were ready for a poly relationship. You don't sound particularly acclimated to the idea of anyone you share an emotional attachment to being attached to someone else without your constant involvement. Your restrictions on your husband and your jealousy towards your best friend's love life seem telling

You have to accept it or drop the friendship. Those are your actual only two options. And also take some time to think about how you'd handle it if there was a disproportionate division of attention from your husband between you and a new person in the relationship because that seems like something you should have worked out, because if this stuff bothers you with people you AREN'T in a relationship with it's gonna be rough when it happens inside your relationship.
 

Deleted member 13101

Banned
Oct 27, 2017
17,973
If they are your best friend then you will have some idea of where they are in life. You will know - despite your own feelings of fondness - where, how, and even if they might be accepting of any romantic relationship at all, and what they would want from it. If they are not in a place to do this, and you know this, then it's not a good idea to step in.
 
Temp_User

Temp_User

Member
Oct 30, 2017
4,697
f43.png


Seriously, channel those feelings someplace else. Way too risky if you ask me.
 
mnemonicj

mnemonicj

Member
Oct 27, 2017
2,642
Honduras
You either shoot your shot and accept the consequences that your friendship might/will change.
Or you stay silent and swallow those feelings.
 
FaceHugger

FaceHugger

Banned
Oct 27, 2017
13,949
USA
Well I learned in high school that it's best to let these things go. Not saying you're being childish or anything, but sometimes people you really like just aren't into you. Even if you have a close connection. It happens.

Believe me, once you move on you forget about it all pretty quickly.
 

Deleted member 4034

Banned
Oct 25, 2017
26,560
That was a one and done thing for me in college. The initial hookups were fun tho. Explaining my feelings afterwards in hopes of it becoming an actual relationship, not so much.
 
Aya

Aya

Member
Sep 7, 2018
1,262
an obscure body in the S-K system
Nothing Loud said:
How did you get over or resolve it?
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Since you already know he's not interested, best thing you could do is take a break from hanging out with him for a while. Infatuation usually deflates with time and talking about it with someone that knows both of you should help if your counsellor is out of reach.

Le. I didn't notice initially the "not interested unless you're single" which as I understand is not a situation you're considering. My advice stands.
 
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shaneo632

shaneo632

Weekend Planner
Member
Oct 29, 2017
28,986
Wrexham, Wales
Honestly it's very difficult. In my younger days I simply had to break off contact with the person for a little while to get over it because it was too consuming, and the friendship was never really the same after.

Whatever happens you'll be very lucky if the friendship emerges unscathed, sadly. Good luck OP.
 

Deleted member 6056

Oct 25, 2017
7,240
What do you do if you fall in live with your best friend?
I married her.
 
Coyote Starrk

Coyote Starrk

The Fallen
Oct 30, 2017
52,932
What matters more to you OP? Having your best friend for life or possibly having your best friend for life?


Because if you start a relationship with them there is a significant chance of failure there.
 
Necromanti

Necromanti

Member
Oct 25, 2017
11,546
FUME5 said:
This is less than a month into you and your partner deciding to become poly, and you have strong feelings of jealousy over not being able to date / fuck your best friend?
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Everyone's different, but based on this, it would seem that y'all are going way too fast. And it sounds like you both already eased up on your ground rules of only pursing someone together? There's no need to rush into anything, nor is there any benefit to doing so. Wait for your therapist to come back.
 
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Wackamole

Wackamole

Member
Oct 27, 2017
16,932
Imagine very realistically what would happen if you did get into a relationship with him.
Think of the consequences short term and then think about the consequences long term.

Then, go for whatever seems wise to you.
 
Evo Shandor

Evo Shandor

Member
Oct 29, 2017
479
OP, if you're about that poly life and demisexuality, why are you getting jealous about anyone dating anyone else? Isn't that a bad sign for any relationships you are in or will be in?
 
OP
OP
Nothing Loud

Nothing Loud

Literally Cinderella
Member
Oct 25, 2017
9,975
Evo Shandor said:
OP, if you're about that poly life and demisexuality, why are you getting jealous about anyone dating anyone else? Isn't that a bad sign for any relationships you are in or will be in?
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He can be with whomever he wants, I just wish he would also be with me sexually/romantically. But alas, that seems impossible. So I will settle for friendship.
 
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