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women of era, how do you feel about being "cold approached"?
- Thread starter hydrophilic attack
- Start date
R/niceguys in a nutshell if you don't believe these things happen on a daily basis.
Casual conversation first. If there's some sign of interest or any semblance of chemistry then exchange of details / asking out follows.
I feel the problem comes with the majority of men being socially poorly adjusted enough to not know when is appropriate.
I feel the problem comes with the majority of men being socially poorly adjusted enough to not know when is appropriate.
I guess the addage of do to other what you would want to be done to you is nit applicable, because honestly I do not mind it. I mean, as a guy I have been approached by people both I haven't found attractive and have, as well as the same sex, and each time it was just idle chatting. The only time J personally do this is when the body language is clear, and they actively have drawn my attention. Like last week, bus was kinda full and I was standing in the accordion bit of the bus. Cute girl directly in front of me had her bag on the inside seat, saw me enter the bus, and we each minded our own business. Couple of minutes later, she smiled at me while I was looking around, sat inside and motioned me to sit with a nod and a wink. I guess its not FULLY a cold approach, but still. I have the decency to not do so unless its preceded by a quick smile and some mutual staring, and its almost never just because I find them attractive. Once helped someone who was clearly uncomfortable and lost this way, never spoke to them again, but theu were grateful someone reached out and gave em a hand.
It doesn't happen all that often where I live, and I am very glad for it.
The one time I encountered this, the guy followed me for a distance. I was genuinely scared for my safety. I didn't know if he would continue stalking me after seemingly walking away. He didn't, but the fear I felt was very real and stayed with me for some time. I still feel like crying whenever I think about it. So fuck you, any of you if you make women feel this way. If you think it's alright to make women feel this way. I felt very uncomfortable and yes, that is a very bad thing ffs.
I can have friendly chats with strangers. Strangers who obviously aren't coming to me to ask for my number. But if you wanna know where I am "headed this time of night", don't.
The one time I encountered this, the guy followed me for a distance. I was genuinely scared for my safety. I didn't know if he would continue stalking me after seemingly walking away. He didn't, but the fear I felt was very real and stayed with me for some time. I still feel like crying whenever I think about it. So fuck you, any of you if you make women feel this way. If you think it's alright to make women feel this way. I felt very uncomfortable and yes, that is a very bad thing ffs.
I can have friendly chats with strangers. Strangers who obviously aren't coming to me to ask for my number. But if you wanna know where I am "headed this time of night", don't.
Twenty pages now, girls, twenty pages. Twenty pages in which we gave our opinion which we were asked for, only to be told by men how wrong we are.
"You think you want to be left alone, but you really don't. trust me, I'm a man".
I'm in my forties. This shit sucked back then, and it sucks now.
I've seen a 'cold approach' a few times over the years, not once has the women in question looked comfortable and in control of the situation (this is in one-on-one interactions).
I've also seen men 'cold approached' by women, although with a lot less frequency, and the man has always looked comfortable and in control.
Just my take, obviously a very small sample group.
I've also seen men 'cold approached' by women, although with a lot less frequency, and the man has always looked comfortable and in control.
Just my take, obviously a very small sample group.
Online dating is 'natural' for a huge portion of busy adults because everyone doing it wants the same thing. Here's why. You are concerned about wasting your time arranging to meet someone you have zero attraction to in person. Imagine having your time wasted by someone you have zero attraction to when it wasn't your choice and you're doing something else and you have no idea who they are and how they might take rejection. Developing the empathy to see how other people's time, attention and sense of safety is a commodity as important to them as yours are to you is a good step in not 'appearing (or actually being) creepy'.
If you want to meet people 'naturally' and work on your social skills, try joining (sociable, not internet-based) clubs and hobbies, making friends, expanding your social circle and chances of meeting people that way. If you don't have much confidence, jumping to randomly cold-approaching people is not going to work out as well for you as being determined to be more sociable, as the latter will improve your confidence in a way that's much more rounded. The former will just make you either less disheartened by rejection or increasingly bitter, while not giving a toss about the amount of women you piss off or terrify in the process.
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OP
OP
when the daily mail is doing better at listening to women's concerns than many men on resetera
But remember, it's only ~social media making you socially incompetent~, as the dude train mansplained.
From a super introvert that also has a MUCH smaller potential dating pool:
Join groups fitting your interests. My city has almost daily meetups for board gamers, so meeting people with similar interests than mine is super easy even for an introvert like me. I just have to go and attend a meetup, bam, interaction with people, who you can get to know and befriend. You may even meet people to date, if you mesh well. Seen that happen quite a bit.
Just take a look at your interests, then google meetups for it. Get to know people normally. You'll automatically meet people you mesh with just by itneracting with them *without* making it all about "can I date them", which leads to a much more natural way of getting to know them, and a much more healthy relationship if you end up meshing well enough to consider dating down the line.
Key really is just getting to meet and interact with people.
Is this generally how these types of threads go? OP asks for women's opinions, the general consensus amongst the women is a resounding NOPE, and then the men come along to tell them how wrong they are and how their entire life's experience isn't as relevant as a dude's anecdotal evidence?
Pretty much. You could check the thread where we said many of us don't like like being called "females" for another good example.
Sadly, yes.
This is what I totally expected when this thread was opened yesterday.
Well, one positive thing about being a rather shy and socially awkward person like me is I bother nobody I guess, hahah.
Seriously, this should be the avatar of people using "feeeeeeeeemales". For at least a week.
Yep. Everytime.
Incels frequently get more understanding and empathy
It's rediculous to ask people to stop approaching each other to chat and get to know someone new.
Internet dating's bullshit, dating is a social thing that we all take part in every day, we meet people, we chat, we have a connection; be they become friends, lovers, life partners whatever. The internet's been around 15 minutes stop having it control every facet of our collective social lives.
The problem is allowing mysoginistic wankers teach young men/boys how to treat women through PUA bullshit blogs and YouTube videos.
Internet dating's bullshit, dating is a social thing that we all take part in every day, we meet people, we chat, we have a connection; be they become friends, lovers, life partners whatever. The internet's been around 15 minutes stop having it control every facet of our collective social lives.
The problem is allowing mysoginistic wankers teach young men/boys how to treat women through PUA bullshit blogs and YouTube videos.
literally every single thread like this goes that way. I don't know why I or other women even bother responding anymore, the men don't give a shit what our opinions or experiences are.
I haven't seen that thread, but just from using social media and Era I've picked up on the whole "female = negative". I think I still use the term a few times without realising. I'd imagine the thread is a bunch of dudes whining about a word being taken away from *them*?
I thought I had more faith in this place than that, but apparently I was wrong.
That's just depressing. I don't have any time for that incel bullshit. An old friend of mine has clearly been hanging around a bunch of them and their views are slowly becoming his. Any mention of Star Wars anywhere and he's off on a rant about SJWs and woman ruining Star Wars.
I wouldn't blame you for not engaging in these conversations anymore. It seems like such a tedious exercise with little to no progress being made.
If someone did that to my girlfriend she'd never go back to that gym ever again.
Not because I'd tell her not to, she'd just feel really uncomfortable and that she couldn't work out in peace without being stared at.
Nobody is saying "only use Tinder. Do not talk to people in person ever."
It's just about not randomly approaching them in settings where they aren't expecting, nor welcoming being talked up - like the grocery store or when walking down the street minding their own business.
Of course you can start a conversation with a person you've just met, in all kinds of settings. But usually there's some prior, (usually nonverbal) communication berforehand that clearly signals whether or not said person even wants to be talked to. Like, eye contact, a smile, or something.
It's about not ambushing people, not about some dystopic "do not engage with anyone ever" strawman.
I actually hope that poster was joking because that just came off as unnecessarily creepy.
Literally nobody is asking to stop approaching others to chat. That you, like all the other dudes, are immediately trying to make this about the internet is very telling. Always willing to blame everyone else, never your own behavior.
What women are asking men for the last 50 years or so is to stop approaching random women solely with the intention to date. It's always incredibly obvious, you're never the first that day, and since most of you can't even handle the most polite, coddling rejection there is, it's also a dangerous experience for the woman you're approaching like this.
But apparently, that's too much. Incels get tons of sympathy in this forum, with so many demands for women to coddle them, but god forbid a woman doesn't want to be constantly bothered by guys. Why is it that men just can't wrap their head around the simple fact that women don't solely exist to coddle and date guys?
yes, that would be great!
I think it is telling though. I think there are a lot of similarities between the guys here who just won't listen to what women have to say in a thread like this, and between those "cold approachers". In the end they just don't listen to what women say, don't pay attention to what women do, and bullishly keep going because they know better. Its all about them. Their wants and needs.
Women don't know what they want, women don't know what they need, they are just being difficult or playing hard to get. It's a tale as old as time, backed up by some anecdotal evidence by some guy who's girlfriend/wife says differently.
Its why I normally stay out of these threads, I'm just here for the games.
Yeah this. A stranger guy trying to pick you up when you're walking down the street or going about your day is like the in-person version of telemarketing. But they could hurt you, stalk you, publicly humiliate you or otherwise wreck your day when you try to hang up.
I would rather not, just makes me uncomfortable.
I don't mind genuine conversation in appropriate situations obviously but that's not what OP is talking about.
I don't mind genuine conversation in appropriate situations obviously but that's not what OP is talking about.
The way I've been told is it's very similar to walking through a mall and being accosted by people with clip boards. You just want to go about your day but they force themselves into it.
Yes, only with the added risk that they might get verbally or physically violent if you reject them or even just ignore them.
Regarding the use of "females" instead of "women" remember that this is an international forum. Not every member is a native English speaker or aware of the term's connotations within that context.
I think young men with a lack of life experience are the only ones to think this, because it's extremely naive.
Every single time.
"Women of ERA answer me this..."
Gets 90% of replies from men.
That's why mostly I don't even bother.
/edit: Since I misunderstood the meaning of approaching someone out of the blue I'll add that I exchanged eye contact and friendly smiles during other bus rides before asking the girl out. If I hadn't received any signals that suggest interest I would not have initiated a conversation with said girl.
The last time I've approached a girl out of the blue was when I was 15, so basically half my life ago. There was this cute girl that I've seen on my bus ride home from school every now and then.
I asked her out to see a movie. She was super surprised and said she already had plans for the weekend.
The next day she took a different bus just so she could see me again to tell me that she changed her plans so she was free for the weekend.
I admit that I've skipped a few pages of this thread but how am I supposed to ask someone out that I don't already know directly or through connections through work / school, my friends or my family if not by approaching them out of the blue?
Obviously you should absolutely not be creepy, be nice, polite, respect that person's personal space and what not.
I met my wife through my then best friend back in the days when he was dating her sister. These days I would probably use online dating but back then it wasn't really a thing.
My wife usually sees such approaches as a compliment (unless they are creepy) and for me it's been the same every time it happened (I know, not applicable to women) but I do understand and respect if a lot of women are not comfortable with such approaches.
Please note that I do not mean to be dismissive or downplay any opinions or replies in here.
The last time I've approached a girl out of the blue was when I was 15, so basically half my life ago. There was this cute girl that I've seen on my bus ride home from school every now and then.
I asked her out to see a movie. She was super surprised and said she already had plans for the weekend.
The next day she took a different bus just so she could see me again to tell me that she changed her plans so she was free for the weekend.
I admit that I've skipped a few pages of this thread but how am I supposed to ask someone out that I don't already know directly or through connections through work / school, my friends or my family if not by approaching them out of the blue?
Obviously you should absolutely not be creepy, be nice, polite, respect that person's personal space and what not.
I met my wife through my then best friend back in the days when he was dating her sister. These days I would probably use online dating but back then it wasn't really a thing.
My wife usually sees such approaches as a compliment (unless they are creepy) and for me it's been the same every time it happened (I know, not applicable to women) but I do understand and respect if a lot of women are not comfortable with such approaches.
Please note that I do not mean to be dismissive or downplay any opinions or replies in here.
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Never did this but what I did is just talking with someone if I see them doing something which I also like or am interested in. Doesn't matter if it's a man or a woman though and always had success in making new friends. But I always just look if they are busy or have headphones in or anything like that which I do myself to be more privat. People smell it if you just talk to them cause you find them attractive.
Most users who use "females" in reference to women do seem to have fluent English otherwise. Furthermore, the use of "females" with regards to women gets corrected on this forum so often that quite frankly one must have been living under a rock to not get that the use of "females" is inappropriate by now. Also, these users usually don't use the term "males" when talking about men, so make of that what you will.
Usually though the posts use men for men but females for women
Don't ask someone out you don't know out of the blue. Talk sure if the situation is right but talk to talk not to score.
Btw your anecdote is so above and beyond the norm that it's practically worthless, women are in general going to go out of their way to track down some random who asked them out on the fly.
I have had my share of cold approaches and they always made me feel beyond awkward. Especially from guys with a fragile ego who turn sour or aggressive when you ever so politely tell them that you're not interested. "Well aren't you a self centred bitch who thinks that all man want to date you. You're really not all that attractive you know." And when you're in a place where you can't easily get out of a situation it feels downright unsafe. Glad that I'm in my getting older and don't have to deal with that shit anymore.
But what does that even mean to you? - 'not to score' and 'hit on' - which have these sexually aggresive connotations. Asking for someones phone number can be a perfectly polite and civilised thing.
Telling of what?
I've been married for nearly 10 years.
My honest perspective is of someone who was dating between 20-10 years ago, and yes the internet has changed a lot of our culture in that short time. I was taught how to date by my big sisters and my girl-friends at school, not internet mysoginists.
Like I said I was 15 (never had a girlfriend or a date before that). It wasn't meant as an anecdote to justify approaching women out of the blue, it was an example of my only experience with such situation ever.
At that age I was definitely not out "to score". Insinuating something like that about a couple of 15 year olds 15 years ago seems creepy in itself. Teenagers these days seem to be way more mature at that age but back then my only goal was to ask a girl out to get to know her better.
Approaching someone out of the blue just to score is fucking creepy. I thought this thread was about approaching women in general, even if your goal is just to talk / get to know someone. If I misread the OP I'm sorry.
This without the sister part. I'm super out of the loop when it comes to dating. I've been married to the second girlfriend I ever had for the last 3 years (we've been together for the last 14 years).
Meanwhile, in an alternate reality, men(sorry: maaaaaaaaaaaaales) keep getting told by telemarketers that it is in fact fine to constantly phone them, and women in forums keep ignoring maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaales that think otherwise, explaining that maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaales don't TRULY want to not be bothered by telemarketers constantly harassing them with calls, since maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaales don't really know what they want and probably just got confused by the internet into believing they have a right to not be bothered constantly.
Okay, but women that have been around for quite a bit longer than the internet has been in common usage seem to think otherwise. Odd. It's almost as if this has been a problem for decades, entirely unrelated to the internet you wish to blame.
It's odd how the most unrelated things are blamed instead of the elephant of the room, which is men's behavior, which is oddly enshrined and sacrosant and must never be questioned, apparently.
Okay, but women that have been around for quite a bit longer than the internet has been in common usage seem to think otherwise. Odd. It's almost as if this has been a problem for decades, entirely unrelated to the internet you wish to blame.
It's odd how the most unrelated things are blamed instead of the elephant of the room, which is men's behavior, which is oddly enshrined and sacrosant and must never be questioned, apparently.