1. HyperFerret

    HyperFerret
    Member

    Once someone doesn't leave you alone when it was clear you didn't want to talk to them.
     
  2. Mest08

    Mest08
    Banned Member

    But by that definition, a cold approach would be okay as long as you leave the person alone if it's clear you dont want to be bothered.
     
  3. Mistel

    Mistel
    Member

    Systemic encompasses a wide area of issues (Do you mean localised?), don't pick semantics when you entered with a negative view.
    This is a thread about a predatory dating technique where many women have explained their issues with it. This is not just a casual conversation, women have been assaulted and killed for rejecting advances. Many men don't understand no or rejection, and lack the ability to leave us alone in our day to day lives. Approaching women solely for personal gain in a relationship, is not comfortable for us at all.
     
  4. HyperFerret

    HyperFerret
    Member

    It's still harassment. I've had men pull off my headphones or try to get me to look up from my book or phone just to talk to me.
     
  5. FUME5

    FUME5
    Member

    It's been answered many, many times in this thread. But you wanna come in with some 'How is it harassment? I'm just trying to talk' dumb shit.
     
  6. Famassu

    Famassu
    Member

    If your only goal when talking to the opposite sex (or same sex, if that's your thing) is to get in their pants and there's no prior interactions of any kind and it's not a social situation where it's generally accepted for people to try to hook up, then there's a high chance you are harassing a person who doesn't want to be approached by thirsty-ass you.

    And no, just "talking to" someone isn't harassment, don't be dumb. No one is saying that. This thread is about harassing complete strangers for a date/their phone number in a setting that generally isn't meant for that. Some random woman that you find attractive walking past you on the streets isn't an invitation to try to get laid.
     
  7. sabrina

    sabrina
    Member

    No. Stop. Just assume a woman doesn’t want to be bothered in the first place unless she’s been giving signs to the contrary. You don’t get to shoot first and ask questions later.
     
  8. psychowave

    psychowave
    Member

    are you incapable of reading through this thread because this question has been answered about 53 times
     
  9. Driggonny

    Driggonny
    Member

    What is even a woman anyway, if you really think about it men are the true women and should be the end-all decider of women's feelings
     
  10. Mest08

    Mest08
    Banned Member

    Well, yeah, that's going too far. But I fail to see how talking to someone is harassment. I talk to people all the time. Not trying to get dates or anything, just passing the time. Like if I'm standing waiting for a train right next to somebody I'll chit chat. Or waiting in lines at stores, amusement parks, etc.

    But I guess we're just arguing semantics and this type of conversation isn't what the thread is about so I apologize. But I do think when posters say something like, congrats, you've chose being nervous over harassment, it's very condescending.
     
  11. Xaszatm

    Xaszatm
    Member

    I mean selective obtuseness is the more probably answer anyhow.
     
  12. Xaszatm

    Xaszatm
    Member

    The OP, once again, is about talking to someone who hasn't give any hint of attraction or desire to talk for the sole purpose of getting her number.
     
  13. Doukou

    Doukou
    Member

    I like to cold approach by walking up to them and telling them a random fact like a dew beater is a shoe and a insult and then run away. I feel it makes me come off as mysterious, she’ll wonder how I came across this info ‘how does he know about dewbeaters, he is a historian, a shoemaker or a time traveler.’. It’ll create an air of mystery making me come off like Batman, Edward or Jack the Ripper.
     
  14. Famassu

    Famassu
    Member

    It's not. A woman walking down the street alone is not an invitation to harass them for a number/date. Just generally assume not every woman in the world is there to be hit on by you anywhere, anytime. Let people go ahead with their errands/life without making the assumption they need to be approached by you. Someone who is reading a book, listening to music or generally not making any kind of effort to observe/get the attention of people around them generally aren't there for you to go try your flirting game on.
     
  15. Rika

    Rika
    Member

    I don't approach people randomly at all in public places. I only talk to strangers at the store to the employee working the cash register, my server at a restaurant, etc.
     
  16. weemadarthur

    weemadarthur
    Community Resettler Member

    How DID you learn about dewbeaters?
     
  17. Xaszatm

    Xaszatm
    Member

    When will it stop? NEVAH!
     
  18. sabrina

    sabrina
    Member

    Woe is me. I walked into a thread not understanding its purpose and not getting a feel for the conversation, asking something to be explained that’s already been explained several dozen times, and some of the replies were condescending. Poor me, the true victim here.
     
  19. Famassu

    Famassu
    Member

    It's not condesending. Men (it's usually men) have a habit of making these things be about themselves in these kinds of threads. Thread topic is about harassing random women for a date & how women feel about that? BUT THINK ABOUT HOW A MAN FEELS WHEN FEARING THE REJECTION, IT'S CLEARLY MUCH WORSE THAN THE FEAR OF (SEXUAL, PHYSICAL OR VERBAL) ABUSE THAT MANY/MOST WOMEN FEEL WHEN MEN SUDDENLY APPROACH THEM IN SOME RANDOM (NOT BUSY) CORNER OF THE STREET TO HIT ON THEM!!!

    This issue simply isn't about you if you're not a woman, we don't really need "woe am men, think how hard it is to approach a woman" takes when the topic is how women feel about being approached by random men they have given no signals or even a single glance towards, who often don't take the first few "nos" as an answer (or the few after those).
     
  20. Frigid Eh

    Frigid Eh
    Member

    Honestly, I get that a lot of women are saying don't do this and I get that some women have been harassed all their lives, but if you're respectful and you do it in the right situation, I think this is totally fine. From my experience and talking to my female friends, this can be done correctly and everyone can leave the interaction feeling fine, if not better. I have personally had multiple relationships from "cold approaching" girls and they've always said they appreciated me talking to them. FYI, this was usually on a university campus where girls may be more receptive. I will think twice next time, though.
     
  21. psychowave

    psychowave
    Member

    honestly, i get that a lot of women are saying don't do this, but, like, i don't care
     
  22. Xaszatm

    Xaszatm
    Member

    Women: NO! NO! NO! NO! and NO!

    Men: But actually...

    Like, this is parody at this point.
     
  23. Driggonny

    Driggonny
    Member

    I actually think a college campus is a different situation because it's like everyday is a club meeting. Randomly talking to random people is almost the point. Just ask where something is and start complaining about school and viola instant friendship.
     
  24. Manzoon

    Manzoon
    Member

    Women of era, "I don't like it, please don't do this."

    Thirty some pages later of dudes telling them it's okay.
     
  25. Bricks

    Bricks
    Member

    "The ladies are infinitely more complicated. They have 1,000 ways of saying No, and only some of them mean Yes."
     
  26. Xaszatm

    Xaszatm
    Member

    And men still won't take the hint.
     
  27. Mest08

    Mest08
    Banned Member

    I wasn't the victim. I'm not the one who was nervous or said that. But how can you have a conversation with someone or expect them to listen to your point of view if he gets accused of harassment? Your answer will most likely be it's not your problem to educate someone about your point of view but, well, this is a forum. We can either shit on each other for not understanding other points of view or we can try to educate.
     
  28. Yabberwocky

    Yabberwocky
    Member

    Not a fan, to be honest. The question always going through my head is: how will this escalate if you don't like my answer? There was one time in particular that I had a man come up to me out of nowhere as I was walking to catch the train, and he asked me out for a meal, before he even asked what my name was. It didn't help that he got right in my path, and I felt crowded in. He kept in step with me until I mentioned I had a boyfriend. I was very polite, and even thanked him for asking, because, again, I didn't know how it would escalate if he didn't like my answer.

    Giving him the benefit of the doubt, from his perspective, he was just on a break, and was looking for some company. I also presume he was genuinely a businessman, considering the location and time of day. But from my perspective, the way he approached the interaction made me incredibly wary and uncomfortable, and I was on high-alert until I got home.

    Absolutely this.
     
  29. Mistel

    Mistel
    Member

    Writing you are too nervous to engage in a form of approaching women which is degrading. Then being called out on it is bad? Why try some meet in the middle tripe, if it's pretty obvious you've not read the thread, and you'll just ignore anything to go "Well guys are the real victim".

     
  30. Mest08

    Mest08
    Banned Member

    The thread is actually about striking up conversations, not harassment. And the OP clearly states that the theory is, if you do it enough times, you'll eventually have success. I take that to mean if a man gets rejected, he stops, so he's not harassing, and tries again with someone else.

    Nobody is arguing that harassment or physical/verbal abuse is acceptable. That is obviously not okay.
     
  31. weemadarthur

    weemadarthur
    Community Resettler Member

    Or perhaps just shit on people who show they avoid previously-created attempts at education.

    Your binary is far too limiting compared to the possibilities the multiverse truly offers.
     
  32. excelsiorlef

    excelsiorlef
    Member

    TThis thread is on page 32, we educated for a very ling time.... yet shock men just kinda went nah I'm right
     
  33. HyperFerret

    HyperFerret
    Member

    The man approaching the woman doesn't get to decide if he's harassing, it's the woman who decides if she's being harassed.

    You can't just bother someone and then go "I wasn't bothering you because I left after".
     
  34. sayuuna

    sayuuna
    Member

    As a guy, I disagree.

    I think the media that we have consumed through movies, television, magazines, celebrities, etc. have been the biggest contribution, but it has been up to the individual himself to take it as "priming," so to speak. Unless, you mean, people under this (Western?) cultural umbrella are subject to this behavior due to exposure, and subsequently choose to act on it.
     
  35. Zoc

    Zoc
    Member

    People used to think behaviour like yours was just stupid, but nowadays they are suspicious that it is a deliberate effort to disrupt progressive conversations like this. So far you’ve shown no evidence in favour of the former rather than the latter.
     
  36. Mest08

    Mest08
    Banned Member

    • User Banned (1 Month): Thread derailment, rationalising harassment and dismissing women's concerns over it. History of similar behaviour.
    That's not how harassment works. No doubt talking to somebody is bothering them. It's not harassment until it becomes repetitive bothering.
     
  37. Saucycarpdog

    Saucycarpdog
    Member

    If you're going to cold approach, do it in a social setting like a concert or a bar or whatever. Trying to hit on a girl who's just trying to get to work or the grocery store feels forced and awkward.

    This idea that you can make it work if you're good enough is what leads to pick up artists with toxic views. No, life is not a video game where you can make a girl stop feeling uncomfortable by having a high speech level.
     
  38. sabrina

    sabrina
    Member

    Just so we're clear, you've repeatedly argued in bad faith, defended sexism, tone policed, and now are mansplaining harassment. This is why nobody fucking wanted to try and educate you, because it's been obvious from the get-go that you don't want to learn. You just want to justify the way you live your shitty life.

    You don't get to define harassment. You don't get to ignore the context of a woman who constantly gets approached by men she's not interested in. It's on men to shoulder the responsibility of making sure their advances are wanted. You don't get to wipe your hands clean because you didn't know better. Fucking know better already. That's your one job. Fucking. Know. Better. Listen to women and shut the fuck up.
     
  39. Kreed

    Kreed
    Member

    You might like this clip from Random Acts of Flyness on HBO.

     
  40. Fat4all

    Fat4all
    Community Resettler Member

  41. Tuorom

    Tuorom
    Member

    This thread in a nut shell
     
  42. Soran

    Soran
    Member

    Like, it cleary say WOMEN of Era. One thing is being curios and click this thread but to bother to comment? Stay in your damn line dudes.
     
  43. Notaskwid

    Notaskwid
    Member

    C
     
  44. Pancoar

    Pancoar
    Member

    [​IMG]
     
  45. kaytee

    kaytee
    Member

    I don't know if it's because of where I live, but I'm virtually NEVER approached by normal-seeming or appealing guys my age. That's something that straight men in these topics constantly miss. When a man hits on me he's always a boundary-crossing person who's much MUCH older than me or has terrible hygiene or is in some other way never ever going to be someone I would date. At my new job, which is public-facing, I'm finding that I'm constantly being hit on, and it's awful. I'm convinced these men know, at least on some level, that what they're doing wouldn't work if I wasn't literally forced to interact with them and be baseline level polite. (And there's so much fishing for my age, because I look younger, it's just bleeeeegh gross. And then making me shake their hand, too, when I don't want to.)

    I've had men who I think were likely socially awkward and "practicing" talking to women really scare me. One man like that started following me to my car once, and I was terrified. While he was awkwardly saying something and I was stiffly smiling and saying empty nice things (in case he wasn't just an awkward guy) I was running through different ways I could run away or get back in the building I'd just left for help. I remember thinking "I should go back inside now and if I don't and he hurts me I'll always blame myself."

    Something a man """cold approaching""" me means an adrenaline spike out of nowhere. A lot of the time it means I have to manage the feelings of a strange man I've never met before. Lots of fake smiling and laughing and then pretending I have a boyfriend so he leaves me alone.

    I mentioned to my mom recently that I was thinking about getting a fake wedding ring to wear at work because so many men have been making me uncomfortable. She didn't bat an eye and said it sounded like a good idea. Isn't that incredibly fucked up?? It's so common for women to have to deal with constant unwanted sexualized bullshit that both of us thought that was normal.

    Frankly, I'm much less nice and pleasant to men than I am to women, because men take simple politeness as interest. I like smiling and joking with people, but I've had it backfire too many times. And unfortunately, most of the time when a man I've never met starts talking to me in public, there's been an ulterior motive. I've had plenty of nice experiences with men too, but It's always Schrodinger's Creep and I can't know until the interaction is over.
     
  46. maxglute

    maxglute
    Member

    OP asked "ERA at large", so I'm assuming all opinions are being solicited. Maybe it's the demographics of this site or maybe attitudes having changed post hookup apps, but most of my girl friends have had good (and plenty of shit) experiences from cold approaches that led to fulfilling relationships. Many of them also actively encourage SOME male friends to cold approach strangers in appropriate settings. SOME being key qualifier because I think, generally, women can intuit which of their male friends are socially adapt enough to conduct these interactions respectfully and which ones are going to come off as creeps, whether intentionally or unintentionally. At minimum, ask your lady friends who are open to cold approaches which category you belong to. Also know when to stop, if you're 0/10, there's a good chance you're the creep that's doing more harm than good.
     
  47. Mistel

    Mistel
    Member

    Right I'm going to break this down (though I don't know why I'm bothering with a year old account with less than 20 posts).

    Starting off:
    1. You can read the OP but not the thread, or this very page itself which contains why women disagree.

    2. Backs this up with "maybe I'm out of touch? No it can't be me who isn't right".

    3. Starting the spin, you mention your exes (Who funnily enough aren't here) as the hypothetical backup. Nice touching base that not all of them agree so you can carry the spin.

    4. Ignoring women in the thread you head on the train of "It works so what is wrong?". With the notation the the right place to back it up and an out.

    5. Instead of thinking that "maybe it's us guys who are wrong" you place onus on women not only to lead you but to tell you not to be awful.

    6. Then the cherry on top absolving yourself of any blame "it's the ugly ones that are the issue". This not only erased any woman not interested in men (Who funnily enough guys won't ignore), but also just reinforces that guys can't be wrong.
     
  48. FeistyBoots

    FeistyBoots
    Member

    So our opinions on the subject don't matter because we're on a gaming forum? Fuck off.
     
  49. BiGBoSSMk23

    BiGBoSSMk23
    Member

    My girlfriend and I were at the gas station and she went inside to grab a cup of coffee. When she got in the car she told me about this guy, who happened to be sitting by the window in front of us having his coffee, how he said "Hi, how are you?" to the woman in front of him in line. The woman replied "I'm sorry, do I know you?", to which he replied "No", to which she finally retorted with "I'm so confused right now ..." amid awkward/nervous laughter. My GF assumed she'd turned around and looked at him or something that prompted him to say Hello.

    So, there's an anectode for ya.
     
  50. maxglute

    maxglute
    Member

    Thanks for the effort? My account is 2 days older than yours, I just lurk more.

    1. You can read the OP but not the thread, or this very page itself which contains why women disagree.

    Read the thread and found it absurdly incongruous with my experiences. ERA is echo chamber on certain issues, demographics of this site do not reflect broader opinions.

    2. Backs this up with "maybe I'm out of touch? No it can't be me who isn't right".

    Genuine observation and personal experience, people actually had to initiate in real life before hookup apps.

    3. Starting the spin, you mention your exes (Who funnily enough aren't here) as the hypothetical backup. Nice touching base that not all of them agree so you can carry the spin.

    Girl friends = friends who are girls. Like my exes would encouraged me to hit on other women. Do you think all women agree on this issue? Acknowledging people in the real world holds different opinion is spin now?

    4. Ignoring women in the thread you head on the train of "It works so what is wrong?". With the notation the the right place to back it up and an out.

    Again, women in this thread are so different from women I know in life that it boggles my mind. People meet each other in real life all the time, sometimes it's messy, but there's nothing wrong inherently wrong with it. I'm sorry if you've only had shitty experiences, but here's a shocker, more people meet randomly in the real world than than online.
    https://www.reportlinker.com/insight/wp-content/uploads/2017/02/FindingLove_I.jpg

    5. Instead of thinking that "maybe it's us guys who are wrong" you place onus on women not only to lead you but to tell you not to be awful.

    Yeah, I think asking close female friends on how to respectfully approach women is better than following PUA. That's how you get weirdos trying to practice on strangers. You should probably reevaluate your friendships if you think helping your friends is an onus.

    6. Then the cherry on top absolving yourself of any blame "it's the ugly ones that are the issue". This not only erased any woman not interested in men (Who funnily enough guys won't ignore), but also just reinforces that guys can't be wrong.

    You're the one equating creepiness and bad social skills to ugliness. Of course men can be wrong, literally the point of my comment is to figure out if cold approach is the wrong way to meet people for some men. Also, speaking of the potential to be wrong, don't look past yourself.