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Would you date/marry a person with genital herpes?

Oct 27, 2017
1,768
#1
I am a part-time Lyft driver to earn extra cash for fun things and I usually have one or two decently odd, funny, or sad rides a night.

Tonight, a girl got in my car alone, leaving her date on the curb behind her. I did my usual and enthusiastic (I am a genuinely happy person. This is not fake and I am constantly told my positivity is infectious) "Hello! How's it going!" to which she responded, "can you please get me home?" and then began to bawl. I said, "it sounds like you had a bad night, is there something I should know or can I help you in any way?" I am very poor in dealing with sad emotions. I usually respond with jokes and laughter and must force myself to assess how a person will take that jovial attitude before saying anything potentially offensive.

She then proceeded to tell me how mad and hurt she was. She was on a first date with the guy I saw and when she told him that she had herpes, he told her the date was over and that she needed to find a ride home. She told me that she was raped two years ago after being roofied in a bar and found out a year later with her steady boyfriend that she had herpes from that rape. Her boyfriend tested clean and then proceeded to break up with her.

She said she had a string of first dates ever since then and, despite always be up-front with people, they would immediately lose interest and end the dates.

She was furious at the state of her life and the desperation in finding a mate. She was a physically attractive girl as far as I could tell, and still young enough (26) to have plenty of future ahead of her.

I tried reassuring her that there are guys out there that would understand and she would find someone who would love her and treat her well, and that she wouldn't have to settle on a loser.


Am I wrong, though?

I feel like I wouldn't have a problem with it. Hell, she was attractive and had a professional career. If I were single, she was very much my type. Breakouts are rare and are well-contained with valtrex. Risk of contracting is extremely low when there is no breakout.

Would you, ERAers date or marry a potential mate if you found out they had the herp?
 
Nov 7, 2017
10,092
#5
Genital herpes is nothing when there's no breakout, ofc I would. Don't like 1 in 5 Americans have it? I can guarantee at least 1 poster in this thread who says no has it without knowing.
 
Nov 7, 2017
10,092
#9
"Genital herpes is common in the United States. More than one out of every six people aged 14 to 49 years have genital herpes."

"
Most people with the virus don’t have symptoms. Even without signs of the disease, herpes can still be spread to sex partners."

https://www.cdc.gov/std/herpes/stdfact-herpes.htm

Breaking up with someone I dated for a year after they found out they had a super common STD that was virtually harmless outside of breakouts because they were raped is pretty fucking awful.
 
Oct 25, 2017
1,156
#10
Sure ... if you educate yourself, you know they can lower the viral load with medicine making it very difficult to infect their partner. And, well, then there are these stats:

More than 50 percent of American adults have oral herpes, which is commonly called cold sores or fever blisters. Oral herpes is almost always due to HSV-1 infection. About one in eight people ages 14-49 in the United States have genital HSV-2 infection.

HSV-1 can be transmitted to the genitals and HSV-2 can be sent orally ... soooo, since most people are asymptomatic, you've most likely already been with someone that has herpes.
 
Nov 7, 2017
10,092
#12
Sure ... if you educate yourself, you know they can lower the viral load with medicine making it very difficult to infect their partner. And, well, then there are these stats:

More than 50 percent of American adults have oral herpes, which is commonly called cold sores or fever blisters. Oral herpes is almost always due to HSV-1 infection. About one in eight people ages 14-49 in the United States have genital HSV-2 infection.

HSV-1 can be transmitted to the genitals and HSV-2 can be sent orally ... soooo, since most people are asymptomatic, you've most likely already been with someone that has herpes.
Yeah this thread is gonna be fun.
 
Dec 1, 2017
1,795
#14
No, I can trust the person, but my carelessness would get the better of me. I'm the type of person who sometimes leaves the door wide open when leaving, and worst forgets that I had already shampoo my hair a minute ago.
 
OP
OP
AlteredBeast
Oct 27, 2017
1,768
#15
I feel people are just uneducated in the states in general about sexual stuff, STDs, etc. There is this big boogeyman that they think exists, when it really is extremely common.

Omaha is a pretty conservative town, though, and that probably exacerbates the problem this girl is having finding a boyfriend. It is incredibly sad.
 
Sep 10, 2018
1,503
#16
Her first dates do not have any emotional attachments to her so it is more likely that someone who has not built any relationship with her will just say, "no thanks" and find someone else. I mean that's not illogical, I feel like.
 
Nov 2, 2017
1,591
#17
probably not. while it's not the worst thing to have by any means, much like the girl in the OP and others I've talked with, it literally kills your dating life or at least reduces it to a tiny fraction.
 
OP
OP
AlteredBeast
Oct 27, 2017
1,768
#19
No, I can trust the person, but my carelessness would get the better of me. I'm the type of person who sometimes leaves the door wide open when leaving, and worst forgets that I had already shampoo my hair a minute ago.
I have no clue what you are trying to say here. That you'll forget to wear a rubber?
 
Oct 28, 2017
1,371
#22
It's unfortunate, but I've done it to someone before, stopped seeing them after they told me. Felt bad, but whatever, way too many people out there to get stuck with that.

Can't say Id leave them on the street though, that's pretty fucked.
 
Oct 25, 2017
13,920
#24
No. There are plenty of other people to date that don't have herpes.

That said I wouldn't just walk out in the middle of a date either. The dude could have been more polite.

Yep, I'm really that careless to the point where last month I went to school two miles away without noticing that I forgot to put on shoes.
...The ground touching your feet doesn't tip you off?
 
OP
OP
AlteredBeast
Oct 27, 2017
1,768
#26
Crazy. I figured ERA of all places would have had more of an open mind about things like this. Especially since herpes is insanely common.
 
Mar 8, 2018
491
#27
A significant number of people have oral or genital herpes. I think the answer depends on whether you are looking for a hookup or a relationship.
 
Oct 29, 2017
596
Michigan
#28
Aside from the statistics posted here that show how misinformed or ignorant people are about this, I'd say no solely out of taking a first date and finding that out. If my girlfriend of ten years told me she had it one day after getting tested, I wouldn't just dump her, but there's really no emotional connection to some girl I met on an app or asked out for coffee.

Maybe if I became single and really was into someone, I'd take time to consider it. It's certainly not a dealbreaker as far as committed relationships go, I guess is what I'm saying
 
OP
OP
AlteredBeast
Oct 27, 2017
1,768
#32
I told her to stop telling people on the first date in similar fashion. Not to trick someone, but take 3 dates, see if there is a spark and a sign that things could turn into something permanent. I am sure the heartbreak would be worse, but it's easy to turn someone down who just told you that you have no attachment to.
 
Dec 1, 2017
1,795
#34
No. There are plenty of other people to date that don't have herpes.

That said I wouldn't just walk out in the middle of a date either. The dude could have been more polite.


...The ground touching your feet doesn't tip you off?
I felt something was wrong, but my first intuition was that I forgot my wallet which I did. Luckily I had forgotten to take out my old slippers the day before, and so I wore them all day.
 

Bernd Lauert

Banned
Member
May 27, 2018
1,813
#36
Of course not. And "many people have it" is not a good argument, it's not like you catch herpes like a cold lmao. Very sad story in this particular case though.
 

Deleted member 11093

User requested account closure
Member
Oct 27, 2017
9,095
#39
Crazy. I figured ERA of all places would have had more of an open mind about things like this. Especially since herpes is insanely common.
Um, no. People who don't have STDs have worked their asses off and sacrificed a lot of things by being safe just so they won't be infected, and if what Psychoward said is true then it means that there are plenty of people with herpes for each other. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ .

Edit: I just read the OP, the guy she had a date with is a fucking asshole for not giving her a ride. And I didn't read about her being raped, and now I look like a victim-blaming asshole. /sigh. I feel for her.
 
Oct 27, 2017
189
The Netherlands
#40
I was not expecting such a horrible story.

To answer your question, i really don't know. I think this whole situation needs to be carefully considered. With any sexual wrongdoings you need to ask yourself, can i handle everything involved with it. If you can't its better not to get involved.

Now in general and not this awful story. I still don't think i know. I would visit the doctor to get more information about how and what.
 
Nov 7, 2017
10,092
#41
Um, no. People who don't have STDs have worked their asses off and sacrificed a lot of things by being safe just so they won't be infected, and if what Psychoward said is true then it means that there are plenty of people with herpes for each other. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ .
Uh, "worked hard" is really cute except for the fact that unless you've never had sex in your life there's a chance that you have herpes whether you know it or not - even if you've practiced safe sex to a T.

I mean yeah her opening up with that on the first date is a losing strategy, but kicking someone to the curb instead of at least finishing off the date or making an excuse is a pretty shitty thing to do too.

Edit: actually wait herpes can be transmitted from birth. Worked hard my ass. This isn't HIV, AIDS, chlymadia etc. on the severity scale or even close to it.
 
Last edited:

Benita

Banned
Member
Aug 27, 2018
862
#42
I felt something was wrong, but my first intuition was that I forgot my wallet which I did. Luckily I had forgotten to take out my old slippers the day before, and so I wore them all day.
I know that this is a troll, but on the 1% chance you're serious, see a doctor.
 
Dec 12, 2017
5,968
#43
Uh, "worked hard" is really cute except for the fact that unless you've never had sex in your life there's a chance that you have herpes whether you know it or not - even if you've practiced safe sex to a T.

I mean yeah her opening up with that on the first date is a losing strategy, but kicking someone to the curb instead of at least finishing off the date or making an excuse is a pretty shitty thing to do too.
Shitty, yes but I would think a person that has no interest in ever seeing that person again just wants to get outta there.
 
Oct 25, 2017
2,651
So-Cal
#46
The thing about this question is that it's kind of isolated. Would I date someone with genital herpes? Of course, and I feel it would be a little shallow to be totally against it, but it would depend on what else they have going for them. I'm not going to date someone because they have genital herpes, and to be frank I would need to appreciate more about a person with genital herpes than normally to desire having a relationship with them. Everyone has preferences and lines they draw and those are mine. It's absolutely not an "absolutely not" from me.

People aren't their conditions, and they and we have to battle against others perceiving them that way.