Would you date/marry a person with genital herpes?

[BeerMan]

There was a girl in University everyone was in love with. She dated the ex of her BF, and the BF revealed to everyone she had herpes.

The people saying its not a big deal are wrong. First off there are at least 8 different strains of HSV2. And how your body reacts to it differs.

Typically speaking herpes sufferers are stuck between two narratives, its not a big deal, and no one gives us sympathy for how this disease destroys our lives. There are plenty of carriers who constantly break out. Year around. It can be horrific apparently. Constant burning, tingling and horrifying itching, all over ones body. And the outbreaks can be extremely painful. The sores eventually burst, and the pain can be debilitating.

If your immune system becomes compromised it will also show itself. Also herpes greatly increases your chance for dementia, and it shortens your life span as it degrades telomeres. Lots of people are required to live healthy lives or stay aways from trigger foods like nuts or beer.

 

[Deleted member 1726]

While it is treatable, there's no cure per se. You can have medications that shorten outbreaks and lower the risk of transmission.

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Ahh, I see.

 

[Freakzilla]

Take valacyclovir and you're good. After a while, it'll suppress flare ups.

 

[Prophaniti]

Nope never. That's a sad story though.

 

[hombremalo]

I got mono once, living hell, worthy.

 

[Deleted member 9035]

I'm learning a lot from this thread. Thanks for making it OP!

 

[hydrophilic attack]

yes i would

it's not very contagious if properly treated and not really dangerous

i always use condoms with a partner so the only way i could be infected is when i give oral, but it's not very contagious through oral. infection would only really be a risk for oral during times when they have an outbreak, and then i would be able to see it and avoid giving oral until the outbreak recedes

not a big deal for me at all tbqh

 

[Leandras]

I dated someone LDR who had it but didn't tell me until she knew she could trust me with the info. Her ex before me knew he had it but hid it from her. When it was transmitted and she confronted him his answer was "Meh, that's life". She then told me she treats it properly and is very careful to not transmit it to any other unknowing victems.

I felt sorry for her and thankful for her honesty and suggested that we research it together as I really loved her and could see a future for us come hell or high water. It's then that I saw how much harm can be prevented by simply communicating with your partner.

We since went our seperate ways and never slept with eachother. But she has since told me that dating is really hard for her because most guys aren't ready to make that leap after a few dates.

It's a massive amount of trust you have to give your partner and I doubt I would have taken that risk if I hadn't already fallen so deeply for her and known her for so long at the time. So I understand the hesitence from most.

Her Ex is a real asshole tho.

 

[TissueBox]

Oh poor girl. I wish her the best. As far as I can see, she does not deserve that. Any of that.

 

[PHOENIXZERO]

Depends.

Would you date Jessica Alba if you knew she had genital herpes?

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She's rumored to have dated Derek Jeter so there's a good chance she does.

 

[Deleted member 16876]

I would feel awful telling them but no I can't.

 

[Thrill_house]

I would have been polite, finished the date and let her know afterwards its not going to work. Nah, that is a no go for me.

 

[astro]

My girlfriend has cold sores. Sometimes they break out all over her nose. It's rarer now, like once every six months and they're tiny and disappear in a couple of days, but I've been with her a year and never caught them.

Her precious boy friend never caught them either.

She got it when she was drunk and kisse s a guy who had active bit not visible sores on his lips.

So, not genital, but it's very very easy to avoid catching it from someone as they know when it's in the active stages and you simply avoid the kind of contact that would spread it, which is the same as genital.

And so many people carry it and have minor breakouts throughout heir lives and never even know anyway.

 

[ArtVandelay]

It's disgusting how people are stigmatized in this thread. Herpes isn't AIDS.
I've had HSV-1 (oral herpes) since I was a teenager. I hadn't kissed anyone in my life, I just had it one day. And HSV-1 can actually cause genital herpes, so I guess I should be shunned by society.

 

[Taco_Human]

Yes because I got it and it's not that big a deal with medication, It's pretty easy to avoid giving it away.

Edit: I told my last ex I had it the first night I met. Instead if shunning me like how everyone here seems to not have too much perspective, she looked up the risks of getting it too, and still slept with me a week later since that was right around when I started taking the medication anyways. We lasted ~9 months.

Just gotta be honest about it. She never got it from me.

 

[cj_iwakura]

My first gf did, she told me once we became steady. It honestly had me apprehensive, but I definitely wasn't going to end it over that.
(Besides, she later dumped me, funny about that.)

 

[Nista]

All you guys worrying so much about herpes better get yourself vaccinated against shingles when you get older. Now that's a living hell to go through, and way more common than bad herpes simplex outbreaks.

 

[hombremalo]

Everyone has herpes

 

[astro]

It's disgusting how people are stigmatized in this thread. Herpes isn't AIDS.
I've had HSV-1 (oral herpes) since I was a teenager. I hadn't kissed anyone in my life, I just had it one day. And HSV-1 can actually cause genital herpes, so I guess I should be shunned by society.

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Ignore the people talking trash ITT who have literally no idea about how this works in reality.

The drugs are very good now, my GF had these anti-viral pills when it got quit bad and it cleared up in a few days.

As I said before, very easy to manage. My GF and I have had loads of normal sex, cuddles, kissing while she's had an outbreak you just avoid contact with the affected area.

Genital would just mean no sex for a few days every now and then. That's it.

 

[snail_maze]

Her precious boy friend never caught them either.

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I imagine this is a typo, haha

 

[UsoEwin]

All you guys worrying so much about herpes better get yourself vaccinated against shingles when you get older. Now that's a living hell to go through, and way more common than bad herpes simplex outbreaks.

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Shingles can only transmit as chicken pox. And even then, it's extremely unlikely.


And as chicken pox has missed me, so can herpes. Plenty of people out there without it, no need to be with someone who has it.

 

[astro]

Shingles can only transmit as chicken pox.


And as chicken pox has missed me, so can herpes. Plenty of people out there without it, no need to be with someone who has it.

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Even if they were a great match for you?

You'd avoid a relationship because of a very easy to avoid disease you may even catch later from someone you match with way less?

People sure are weird sometimes.

I imagine this is a typo, haha

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Haha. Yes and no actually, as I said we're poly and she still sees him sexually sometimes.

 

[UsoEwin]

Even if they were a great match for you?

You'd avoid a relationship because of a very easy to avoid disease you may even catch later from someone you match with way less?

People sure are weird sometimes.

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There are plenty of people I have matched with, and plenty more out there beyond them. I don't put much stock in "the one". Could it happen unwittingly? Yeah, easily. But I wouldn't stick around if it was brought up.

 

[astro]

There are plenty of people I have matched with, and plenty more out there beyond them. Could it happen unwittingly. Yeah, easily. But I wouldn't stick around if it was brought up.

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Seems pretty damn shallow to me. Anyone with herpes being dumped by people who would do this are the lucky ones imo.

 

[Nista]

Shingles can only transmit as chicken pox. And even then, it's extremely unlikely.


And as chicken pox has missed me, so can herpes. Plenty of people out there without it, no need to be with someone who has it.

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Hopefully you've been vaccinated against it, since you've never had chicken pox. With all the anti-vaxxers out there, you never know when some of those rare childhood diseases might come thundering back.

I do hope some of the people with this attitude towards the woman in the story don't act the same way towards their spouses and children in the future.

 

[snail_maze]

Haha. Yes and no actually, as I said we're poly and she still sees him sexually sometimes.

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I keep reading it with a sarcastic, passive aggressive tone :p

 

[BeerMan]

It's disgusting how people are stigmatized in this thread. Herpes isn't AIDS.
I've had HSV-1 (oral herpes) since I was a teenager. I hadn't kissed anyone in my life, I just had it one day. And HSV-1 can actually cause genital herpes, so I guess I should be shunned by society.

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HSV1 cannot cause genital herpes. They are two different viruses. Genital herpes does not refer to the area in your body you get herpes, it refers to HSV2, a different, generally far more destructive and nasty virus.

All these people in this thread saying herpes isn't a big deal because they know someone who has it, and its not a big deal for them are really missing the point.

You guys do realize not everyone reacts to HSV2 the same? And that there are at least 8 different HSV2 strains. Some are more virulent than others. You're one anecdotal experience doesn't cover the millions upon millions who have HSV2.

It's a fact that genital herpes can be a brutal affliction, that people feel ruins their lives. Just google herpes message boards, and look at what carriers say. It's also true many people rarely breakout or are in pain. But some people are constantly breaking out and constantly feeling nerve pain. Frequent and horrific nerve pain with herpes is a reality many people have to live with.

This has always been the common perception with genital herpes and its perception. Many sufferers are stuck between promoting the idea that they should not be stigmatised due to it not being a big deal, and also saying the disease is not taken seriously enough and people do not realize the horrible pain they are in.

 

[IHaveIce]

Genital herpes is nothing when there's no breakout, ofc I would. Don't like 1 in 5 Americans have it? I can guarantee at least 1 poster in this thread who says no has it without knowing.

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One and done.

There is also a lot of stuff to reduce the risk of a breakout or even infecting another.

 

[astro]

HSV1 cannot cause genital herpes. They are two different viruses. Genital herpes does not refer to the area in your body you get herpes, it refers to HSV2, a completely different, generally far more destructive and nasty virus.

All these people in this thread saying herpes isn't a big deal because they know someone who has it, and its not a big deal for them are really missing the point.

You guys do realize not everyone reacts to HSV2 the same? And that there are at least 8 different HSV2 strains. Some are more virulent than others. You're one anecdotal experience doesn't cover the millions upon millions who have HSV2.

It's a fact that genital herpes can be a brutal affliction, that people feel ruins their lives. Just google herpes message boards, and look at what carriers say. It's also true many people rarely breakout or are in pain. But some people are constantly breaking out and constantly feeling nerve pain. Frequent and horrific nerve pain with herpes is a reality many people have to live with.

This has always been the common perception with genital herpes and its perception. Many sufferers are stuck between promoting the idea that they should not be stigmatised due to it not being a big deal, and also saying the disease is not taken seriously enough and people do not realize the horrible pain they are in.

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With all of the above it's still very easy to avoid passing it along while in a relationship.

 

[BeerMan]

With all of the above it's still very easy to avoid passing it along while in a relationship.

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It can be easy. But I wouldn't go so far as saying it is easy. It just depends on your symptoms. If you are asymptomatic or not.

You can be shedding the virus without having an outbreak. Typically, you will suffer neuralgia, neuropathic pain before an outbreak, so that is the tell tale signal an outbreak is about to begin, so carriers can take precautions. But you can be shedding the virus without outbreaks, or without suffering nerve pain. The virus is commonly passed from someone who had no idea they ever had it, so it can also extremely easy to pass it on.

Also the antiviral meds can reduce the severity and duration of outbreaks and shedding, but that is it. And they are not effective for many people. They are considered helpful for some, but generally not considered effective for people who are asymptomatic.

Although, there is a new Japanese drug, that works completely different to existing meds that is meant to be extremely effective, but can have much worse side effects than existing ones.

 

[TheBeardedOne]

I'd try to avoid it. If I loved the person, I guess I'd have no choice.

I met someone online and we had sex a couple of times. I asked her beforehand if she had had any STDs but she told me she was clean. Then, after the second time, she told me some guy she'd been fooling around with had genital herpes, which really soured things and sent me to get an STD test.

 

[astro]

It can be easy. But I wouldn't go so far as saying it is easy. It just depends on your symptoms. If you are asymptomatic or not.

You can be shedding the virus without having an outbreak. Typically, you will suffer neuralgia, neuropathic pain before an outbreak, so that is the tell tale signal an outbreak is about to begin, so carriers can take precautions. But you can be shedding the virus without outbreaks, or without suffering nerve pain. The virus is commonly passed from someone who had no idea they ever had it, so it can also extremely easy to pass it on.

Also the antiviral meds can reduce the severity and duration of outbreaks and shedding, but that is it. And they are not effective for many people. They are considered helpful for some, but generally not considered effective for people who are asymptomatic.

Although, there is a new Japanese drug, that works completely different to existing meds that is meant to be extremely effective, but can have much worse side effects than existing ones.

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I'm aware of the stages and I stand by the fact it's easy, especially with modern medicine.

This is from experience myself and speaking with others who manage more severe versions while in relationships and have not passed it.

 

[PontyfaxJr]

Kinda heavy to drop on a first date but if I got to know the woman and liked her then I would try to make it work.

 

[Luchashaq]

Your date has a disease? Finish the date and be compassionate. Your date is a neo nazi? Get the fuck out of there.

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Yup.

Also I wouldn't. I fucking hate protected sex, its so unenjoyable.


So glad I'm fucking married.

 

[Conor419]

One of my best friends has it, and you'd all be lucky to date a girl like her.

 

[Deleted member 9714]

First date? No. I feel bad for her situation though.

I just don't want to potentially catch an STD and need to use [another] medicine.

 

[enemy2k]

Yes I would

 

[BeerMan]

I was diagnosed in 2016 and just got a positive culture to confirm HSV2. I've been on suppressive therapy since 2016 but still get OBs ALL the time. I experience tingling 24/7 bilaterally on my buttocks which stresses me out. I feel uncomfortable all the time. I get OBs in my eye as well which is awful. My confidence was lacking before diagnosis and now I feel like I hit rock bottom. I need help. I can't handle the physical stress of this and I'm depressed b/c of it. I can't date b/c I can't get this under control. I've seen so many doctors it makes my head spin. Seriously, I can't go on like this and I can't get a grip on it emotionally.

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This is just one of many typical stories on herpes message boards. People constantly having outbreaks, and itching all over their body. Constantly itching, tingling and itching like crazy. Bad nerve pain is a reality for many carriers. There are tons of horror stories. When a sore bursts it can be extremely painful, causing some people unable to even walk. I could post more, but you have to register on these boards to continue and I cannot be bothered.

Lots of people saying they are depressed and don't want to live, who deal with the virus virtually everyday. The thing is, herpes is one of the most stigmatised diseases. Its frequently a punchline. So people who are afflicted with bad symptoms are not likely to tell many people at all. But we shouldn't write off the disease as not big deal. It can be, and frequently is for many people.

 

[julia crawford]

Hope you hugged the girl op sounds like def needed a hug.

 

[astro]

This is just one of many typical stories on herpes message boards. People constantly having outbreaks, and itching all over their body. Constantly itching, tingling and itching like crazy. Bad nerve pain is a reality for many carriers. There are tons of horror stories. I could post more, but you have to register on these boards to continue and I cannot be bothered.

Lots of people saying they are depressed and don't want to live, who deal with the virus virtually everyday. The thing is, herpes is one of the most stigmatised diseases. Its frequently a punchline. So people who are afflicted with bad symptoms are not likely to tell many people at all. But we shouldn't write off the disease as not big deal. It can be, and frequently is for many people.

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You will find extreme reactions to all diseases, and message boards dedicated to these things are usually sought out by people with more extreme reactions (source: I have Ulcerative Colitis, diagnosed in 1999, I've spent a lot of time online discussing with other sufferers of chronic illness).

So yeh, it can be hell for some people, but for the vast majority they probably won't even notice they have it.

Same with UC. I have a quite severe reaction to it, and it brings a bunch of other inflammation related symptoms, whereas I know another person with it who almost never gets a single symptom.

I would never write any disease off as "not a big deal", managing a lifelong disease (especially one that's stigmatized) can be incredibly difficult.

But perspective is key too, and the vast majority of those with herpes will probably not even be aware they have it. I'd imagine there are many people out there with mild UC too who will go their lives undiagnosed and manage simply via diet etc...

 

[Deleted member 4034]

I told her to stop telling people on the first date in similar fashion. Not to trick someone, but take 3 dates, see if there is a spark and a sign that things could turn into something permanent. I am sure the heartbreak would be worse, but it's easy to turn someone down who just told you that you have no attachment to.

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Nah, that could also go south.

I helped a friend move a few months back and met her ridiculously hot roommate. Roommate mentioned having oral herpes, but was still super confident in her dating life and learned to manage it well. I'd educate myself a bit more instead of dismissing the person. But I'm not the marrying type, dating sure.

Isn't Era's favorite phrase "why would you discriminate against someone for something they can't help?" Or at least that's the motto of short guys. Someone kissed her when she was much younger and then boom, there it was.

 

[BeerMan]

You will find extreme reactions to all diseases, and message boards dedicated to these things are usually sought out by people with more extreme reactions (source: I have Ulcerative Colitis, diagnosed in 1999, I've spent a lot of time online discussing with other sufferers of chronic illness).

So yeh, it can be hell for some people, but for the vast majority they probably won't even notice they have it.

Same with UC. I have a quite severe reaction to it, and it brings a bunch of other inflammation related symptoms, whereas I know another person with it who almost never gets a single symptom.

I would never write any disease off as "not a big deal", managing a lifelong disease (especially one that's stigmatized) can be incredibly difficult.

But perspective is key too, and the vast majority of those with herpes will probably not even be aware they have it. I'd imagine there are many people out there with mild UC too who will go their lives undiagnosed and manage simply via diet etc...

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You're right, most people will not suffer the worst of the symptoms, but its always possible. No one really knows how many people are symptomatic or asymptomatic. There are estimates from researchers. And there are also estimates for how many people may have it and not know. And you're right most people would not know. I think Dr. Halford one of the most prominent HSV researches estimated 5% of carriers are symptomatic, suffer bad reactions. So that is not nothing at all.

But when you extrapolate over hundreds of millions of people, the disease is harming the lifestyles of literally millions upon millions of people. There are millions of people who react to the disease in an extremely poor manner.

But its true, most people will not even know they have the disease. I think its just important to understand the risks. That there is a real possibility you will suffer, potentially suffer very badly.

There are also other risks. Pregnant women can pass it onto new borns. If your immune system is compromised, say through cancer treatments, it can very likely kill you. When you get old you can easily become afflicted once your immune system is weakened. These are all real risks. While you are correct, most likely you will not suffer too badly, or at all, it's important to remember the risks, go in with your eyes opened.

 

[Deleted member 4034]

Of course not.

To be honest I probably would have handled it similar to dude. There's no point in wasting my or her time because nothing is going to come of it. As far as a ride goes, I don't tend to pick women up for our first dates so that wouldn't have been an issue.

I respect her for being upfront about it. It puts her in a tough situation, but at least she's not wasting other people's time and money.

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Okay, but you can read this story and have a better reaction than that dude knowing full well knowing how it made the girl feel. It's not about wasting time or money, just doing the least to be a decent person.

 

[astro]

You're right, most people will not suffer the worst of the symptoms, but its always possible. No one really knows how many people are symptomatic or asymptomatic. There are estimates from researchers. And there are also estimates for how many people may have it and not know. And you're right most people would not know. I think Dr. Halford one of the most prominent HSV researches estimated 5% of carriers are symptomatic. So that is not nothing at all.

But when you extrapolate over hundreds of millions of people, the disease is harming the lifestyles of literally millions upon millions of people. There are millions of people who react to the disease in an extremely poor manner.

But its true, most people will not even know they have the disease. I think its just important to understand the risks. That there is a real possibility you will suffer, potentially suffer very badly.

There are also other risks. Pregnant women can pass it onto new borns. If your immune system is compromised, say through cancer treatments, it can kill you. These are all real risks. While you are correct, most likely you will not suffer too badly, or at all, it's important to remember the risks.

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Perspective is the key, how unlikely it is to happen to you statistically, etc...

Obviously, if you're someone who could be affected more harshly then perhaps you would have to think about yourself first in a situation like this and not chance it, etc...

But perspective, that's the most important part.

 

[Cation]

Yes, just finished my Med school exam on all of these diseases.

Yes and I would also date someone with HIV. They are very manageable diseases. Just gotta know the risks.


If you had asked me before i knew anything about it, I would say no

 

[Verano]

Nope.

 

[apocat]

A hookup would be a no. But an actual relationship with someone I actually had real feelings for and was attracted to? No problem. I'd play it safe with precautions, and if I got it then I'd cope with it. It's not HIV we're talking about. Life is to short to worry about dying in pristine condition. Laminate me and put me in a collectors album if I'm wrong.

 

[Astral Lovelace]

Herpes ain't shit, and so many people have it that trying to restrict based on whether or not someone has it would actually impact your dating pool.
It's such a minor thing that it's baffling that people care.

 

[Vincent Grayson]

Herpes ain't no big deal.

I was fucking my wife pretty regularly for 16 years without catching it. And even if I had, the occasional outbreak just isn't something worth making people feel like shit over.

The only people who should be particularly concerned in my experience is pregnant/soon to be pregnant women. It's not good for the baby if you *get* HSV during pregnancy, IIRC.

 

[Astral Lovelace]

Herpes ain't no big deal.

I was fucking my wife pretty regularly for 16 years without catching it. And even if I had, the occasional outbreak just isn't something worth making people feel like shit over.

The only people who should be particularly concerned in my experience is pregnant/soon to be pregnant women. It's not good for the baby if you *get* HSV during pregnancy, IIRC.

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It's not necessarily just 'catching' it that can be problematic during a birth, it's having an outbreak of any variety, whether it's your first or third or what have you. But, it does necessitate a C section if that ends up being the case.