Yikes.
You are way too invested, too soon. Ask yourself this:
If your friend sent you this exact post that you posted, how would you advise them?
Apply that answer to your situation.
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Yikes.
You are way too invested, too soon. Ask yourself this:
If your friend sent you this exact post that you posted, how would you advise them?
Apply that answer to your situation.
I'm usually trying to show interest, like asking about the place she lives/hobbies/friends/family/whatever but yeah if you have good chemistry things will just flow by themselves.
My last date was horrible and the girl basically just answered my questions instead of trying to engage in a real conversation. Also, she had absolutely zero taste in anything. No music, films, television. Fuck that was such a drag.
Lol I guess. We started dating the morning after though. Water under the bridge now however.
Is that even a one night stand then? Lol
Also I think the message here is that you shouldn't get ahead of yourself and act like you're going to be in a LTR with a person after a first date. It's a mindset thing. Don't get overinvested too early.
Reminds me of being really young and dating (no offence). Everything is heightened, senses, emotions, staring at a phone just willing someone to text. It really isnt healthy, it messes up your chances with anyone (investing so heavily in their texts on your end, when theyre just sending them casually), it piles the pressure on the whole situation and it never, ever ends well.
I remember when I 1st tried online dating years and years ago, I used to correspond with someone with a message from her like once a week. It was like a letter almost, and I looked forward to it so much. It's laughable when I look back. These days I have tinder, POF, bumble, okcupid and whatsapp all buzzing away, a few contacts on each, sometimes I'll reply a lot, often I just dont bother. Im super picky and I dont have that youthful feeling of it having such earth shattering importance any more.
My 3 main points here are
1/ text-obsessing never works well, and ends in tears, your texts wont be irreverent and fun when you're applying so much pressure to it. People smell the desperation and run a mile.
2/ this lesson can never ever be learned from reading other peoples stuff, you only figure it out through heartache and fuck ups.
3/ you become instantly more attractive when you dont instantly reply, throw yourself at their mercy, and let them know you're theirs if they want you. A certain level of aloofness (not unattainability) is infinitely more desirable than instantly professing your desire for them. People go oh..right, and back up.
I definitely agree that overinvesting early on is not good. I did it a lot in the past and it was always a bad result for me whether the person continued to date me or not.
Just an unrelated comment though in this part so I wanted to give that disclaimer:
Do you really like having all those dating apps going off with people you don't seem at all invested in? I think it's important to not be overinvested in one person but I think personally I would hate to be so underinvested in so many people. At the most, I had 3 dating apps at once and I hated it.
Sorry if that sounds like a sharp pointed comment but I'm genuinely interested in your opinion.
I didnt take any of that as sharp, dont worry about it. I'll try to answer you, although I dont hold myself as an example to follow.
Tinder just sort of sits there, I check it inbetween rounds of COD. I have a few conversations going but mostly just curious who's matched with me. Bumble is the same, its so flakey to use..you have to match, they get 24 hours to respond, the early conversation will die if either dont respond within 24 hours too. I only installed it out of curiosity. Whatsapp has a couple of women I've spoke to enough to swap numbers, one who works away and may be a genuine prospect for me, some random FBs but I dont bother with that much any more. OKCupid turned itself into Tinder, is totally under populated where I live anyway, and now I need to "like" someone to even see their message to me.
The main one I read is POF, I get loads of hits on there, a fair few messages from women, a lot of which are "hey there :)" (POFs wink option, women only), deranged loonies with the devil in their eyes, delusions of attractiveness, photographs of themselves in public toilets, "Live laugh love" wall art in the background (or tattooed on their arm), compliment sucking monsters wanting me to add to their daily confidence boosting message pile, angry micro aggression people with profiles full of lower class text speak, and ones you wouldnt allow in your house without locking down all your valuables. It's a treacherous hive of scum and villainy, and it amuses me to see who looks at me.
tldr; as a man in his early 40s, my heart has been wrung out and bled dry by a couple of significant exes. Im emotionally dead to it all, I don't see pairing off as something particularly important any more, and am more upset about DBS ending than any woman ive been with in the last 10 years.
On a scale of 1-10, how bad would it be to try to date a former classmate with two kids and a psycho ex and you yourself have no experience dating single moms...
Probably would be pretty difficult. The kids are always going to come first, but also the psycho ex is definitely going to make things harder as well. I don't have any experience but I can imagine things like having to work around the kids' schedule and hiding from the psycho ex are bound to be things.
It's a balancing act with a different answer for each person, and probably across different cities and demographics of dating groups. It can be really healthy to take a step back and stop being overinvested (which is basically newbie mistake #1 when it comes to dating), but beyond that it just takes time and practice. I'm never really active on 3 apps, because I have difficulty staying on top of messages when I do that.
True, and I appreciate the input. Admittedly something I need to work on, no matter how embarrassed of it I may be
I'm not someone who has the kind of luck you seem to. I don't get responses to most of my messages and had all but given up on online dating. I've never been in the situation to have multiple apps buzzing, or be like that.
I haven't texted her since and don't have any plans to soon. I sent her one message saying, "Morning" and another hours and hours later saying, "Hey, how are you? Did you get my text this morning?" because her phone had been acting up with other texts.
I don't mean to be rude, but it's different for me because I can't take solace in that type of success. I've never been in a relationship, and have anxiety. But it's not like I'm spamming her phone or anything like that.
Have you guys ever had a partner that made you feel insecure about yourself? Not so much in terms of looks in my case, but I sometimes feel like my gf is way cooler than me. She's a great cook, talented artist and was really into her college town's music scene so she still hangs with a lot of the crowd, dresses hipsterish etc. In comparison I'm just a mediocre white dude in my late-mid 20s, and I don't feel like I have any standout physical attributes or talents. I love all that stuff about her and we get along really well so far, but I just feel like I don't have as much to offer sometimes. Though to be fair even when I'm single I have these thoughts sometimes, it seems like the relationship is just bringing my insecurities out a little more.
Edit: After some more self-reflection I think I'm just being dumb. I've done plenty of cool stuff, like travel alone, and I'm a decent bass player. There's definitely a reason she's with me so I must have something to offer her.
Edit: After some more self-reflection I think I'm just being dumb. I've done plenty of cool stuff, like travel alone, and I'm a decent bass player. There's definitely a reason she's with me so I must have something to offer her.
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Guys I got a question. I have been talking to this girl recently, we hit it off conversations were great but one day out of the blue she just started acting cold. Barely replies to texts or talks. She is a very emotional person, and I feel like she builds like a wall around her. Hard to get close to. And Everytime I try to get closer to her it feels like she starts acting weird. Just forget her and move on? Or be paitent with her?
Did you actually meet? Were you planning to if you didn't?
She might have lost interest. Like people here said few posts ago, don't invest too much in a person you haven't even met, or met once/twice.
No one but her can say why she started acting cold, but most likely is that you're not in her priority anymore. Why? Could be so many reasons so don't get stuck on it.
Was supposed to meet this girl today but she asked to reschedule because she hit a cop car :|
Well I'm going on a breakfast date tomorrow with an old classmate. Should be nice catching up.
No text today. I didn't send anything either.
It's weird. I guess I'm not helping her move on Wednesday, lol
It's weird. I guess I'm not helping her move on Wednesday, lol
I dont take you as rude, dont even worry. All I mean is that because im older its way easier for me now. I've been there where you've been, you just want those texts to arrive so badly. Its tough, I really sympathise.
Theres a thing that sportsmen say, when it comes to winning. You have to play the game as if you don't care at all, even though its the most important thing in the world. You have to let your body do its thing without pressure. Its the same when it comes to talking to women on tinder, or text. You have to be relaxed, breezy, and engage them as if you're the most assured and confident person.
It doesnt sound great with her lack of replies, to be honest the old "phone not getting texts" thing is rarely true, and even if it was, you could switch to any one of the messenging clients. Its easy for me to say with 20+ years experience, but just chill..stop texting her, if you get anything back then its a bonus at this point.
Welp, study abroad trip didn't lead to any "real" romantic encounters, I felt like a 3/10 compared to all the other guys in London.
Decided to go HAM on a bunch of different dating websites when I got home a few days ago, which has led to a good connection with someone on plenty of fish. She's into heavy metal/rock and dresses kind of goth which are two big pluses.
We texted today on and off and it was really nice getting to know her. We're very different with how we communicate but she still was interesting to talk with. If all goes as planned we should meet Tuesday.
Seeing an old friend is Germany who's getting married really made it clear that I want a significant other in my life. I guess we'll see how things go.
Decided to go HAM on a bunch of different dating websites when I got home a few days ago, which has led to a good connection with someone on plenty of fish. She's into heavy metal/rock and dresses kind of goth which are two big pluses.
We texted today on and off and it was really nice getting to know her. We're very different with how we communicate but she still was interesting to talk with. If all goes as planned we should meet Tuesday.
Seeing an old friend is Germany who's getting married really made it clear that I want a significant other in my life. I guess we'll see how things go.
Man my ex was so awesome, I'm thinking it will be really hard to find someone like her again which bums me out considering I only meet women through clubs, it was like finding a needle in a haystack for me :(
I met someone in a club y'day but didn't feel the same. Will see how it goes but I kind of just want something casual for now I will just chill and enjoy my last month of summer I guess.
And yes not investing much in texts seems like a good idea, I kind of ruined my past relationship due to feeling that my ex "text behavior" was really different than before so I created a lot problems that ended up breaking up my relationship ... So chilling with the texts seems like a great idea lol, I hope I can adapt my.mentality soon regarding to that.
Man I really dig the gothic aesthetic I find it pretty hot but I have no idea where to get to know chicks like that, feelsbadman
I'm scared to try tinder or something like that since I'm not confident in my photo game, even though I do quite good IRL I hate the way I look in photos, trying tinder and not getting matches would be a huge blow to my self-esteem lol. Also I don't think dating apps are that common here compared to the US for example ..
I met someone in a club y'day but didn't feel the same. Will see how it goes but I kind of just want something casual for now I will just chill and enjoy my last month of summer I guess.
And yes not investing much in texts seems like a good idea, I kind of ruined my past relationship due to feeling that my ex "text behavior" was really different than before so I created a lot problems that ended up breaking up my relationship ... So chilling with the texts seems like a great idea lol, I hope I can adapt my.mentality soon regarding to that.
Man I really dig the gothic aesthetic I find it pretty hot but I have no idea where to get to know chicks like that, feelsbadman
I'm scared to try tinder or something like that since I'm not confident in my photo game, even though I do quite good IRL I hate the way I look in photos, trying tinder and not getting matches would be a huge blow to my self-esteem lol. Also I don't think dating apps are that common here compared to the US for example ..
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Went on a first date earlier today and we hit it off nicely. She's a lot of fun and we have a bunch in common. I was going to wait until tomorrow to ask her for a second date, but she ended up messaging me so we're going out again.
Now I've got three second dates. I should uh... probably actually firm up some plans on those now before they get away. Gonna go do that right now.
EDIT: Okay two out of three locked down. Who the fucks idea was it to only give us two weekend nights a week though? Someone's going to have to get a weeknight date as a second date. Can't be helped unless they want to postpone a week.
Now I've got three second dates. I should uh... probably actually firm up some plans on those now before they get away. Gonna go do that right now.
EDIT: Okay two out of three locked down. Who the fucks idea was it to only give us two weekend nights a week though? Someone's going to have to get a weeknight date as a second date. Can't be helped unless they want to postpone a week.
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I've met a few people from London, they never came across like that to me. Quite friendly and interesting.
Well she's not your girlfriend you've not been on a date with her. You should have asked her on a date before becoming a texting buddy. Just because she chats with you over text for however long that's not a sign of an interest in a relationship or a build up to one. Move on, but if she comes back to life ask her on a date.
I was luck enough to work with someone last year who did modeling similar to suicide girls, she was pretty hot. I think something goes off in my brain when I see a girl wearing goth clothes and band shirts because I dressed like that for so long.
But yea, what really suprised me on tinder in European countries was the lack of black women. Like I know the demographic is less, but it was 95% white women on tinder for the 5-6 countries I visited.
Conversation about self harm went better than I anticipated. We were in a bar and mid conversation she pointed at my arm and said, what are these? Did you used to self harm?
It was a bit of an awkward place to talk about it, not private at all, but I didn't want to lie. I said "Yes, that's what they are, I used to cut myself".
She smiled and told me that she did too. Down her legs, but the scars have healed. She said it was a fashion thing because she was a goth, I said that didn't make sense. Girls cut their legs to conceal the scars, not because it's fashionable. She smiled and hugged me, and we carried on with dinner.
She seemed really happy that evening.
It was a bit of an awkward place to talk about it, not private at all, but I didn't want to lie. I said "Yes, that's what they are, I used to cut myself".
She smiled and told me that she did too. Down her legs, but the scars have healed. She said it was a fashion thing because she was a goth, I said that didn't make sense. Girls cut their legs to conceal the scars, not because it's fashionable. She smiled and hugged me, and we carried on with dinner.
She seemed really happy that evening.
So the date I thought went well actually didn't.
Recap, we were texting for a week, then on the date we went out for >6 hours, and -she- initiated a kiss at the end. We talked about a second date etc, felt like it ended on a really high note.
The days following, the texting just dropped off. And then I asked her for a second date and she said, "I've got to be honest, you made me feel uncomfortable with the way you seemed fixated on sex, including constantly asking me intimate questions. I think we should leave it there."
I was pretty upset, because that's not how I intend to come off. Sex was the last thing I was looking for, and I genuinely liked her. I'm not a sleaze bag. I had asked her about her previous relationship history (which to me is fair game on a date, maybe some people would consider it too much), and I generally want to know things like whether they've had their heart broken before etc. Girls I've been out with before have never minded it. I just like a level of emotional honesty and intimacy in my conversations. Is it wrong for me to be like that?
And secondly, should I have tried to be friends with her after that? Is there a point in playing the long game and trying to chase someone through getting to know them platonically? In my mind if they're not keen on the first date, nothing will change their mind in the future (at least that's how it works with me.) Granted I felt like she misread me and she might have liked me better if she got to know me properly.
Recap, we were texting for a week, then on the date we went out for >6 hours, and -she- initiated a kiss at the end. We talked about a second date etc, felt like it ended on a really high note.
The days following, the texting just dropped off. And then I asked her for a second date and she said, "I've got to be honest, you made me feel uncomfortable with the way you seemed fixated on sex, including constantly asking me intimate questions. I think we should leave it there."
I was pretty upset, because that's not how I intend to come off. Sex was the last thing I was looking for, and I genuinely liked her. I'm not a sleaze bag. I had asked her about her previous relationship history (which to me is fair game on a date, maybe some people would consider it too much), and I generally want to know things like whether they've had their heart broken before etc. Girls I've been out with before have never minded it. I just like a level of emotional honesty and intimacy in my conversations. Is it wrong for me to be like that?
And secondly, should I have tried to be friends with her after that? Is there a point in playing the long game and trying to chase someone through getting to know them platonically? In my mind if they're not keen on the first date, nothing will change their mind in the future (at least that's how it works with me.) Granted I felt like she misread me and she might have liked me better if she got to know me properly.
I personally don't ask this kind of question until farther on. I'm trying to get to know the person and see if we click - I don't need to know how their heart was broken the last time. I've been asked it, but never asked myself. I think it doesn't belong on a first or second date.
Nah that's a waste of time unless you actually want to be her friend, without any hopes of it leading to more.
It's nice to develop intimacy with someone early on, but I usually stay away from relationship-related questions for the first couple dates. Maybe ask about her family, childhood, dreams etc if you'd like to get to know her better.
Does seem odd that she kissed you if she was feeling that way, but maybe things changed when she thought about it afterwards. You should be thankful she was honest with you, many girls would've just ghosted!
I think this is a really weird thing to talk about on a first date. Emotional honesty and intimacy when you've known this girl in person for 6 hours? I feel like you're jumping the gun and you still need to get to the point of actually knowing each other. Personally, if I was on a first date with someone and they were asking about my previous relationships, if I've had my heart broken, etc. it would make me very uncomfortable. It's prying into personal matters when we don't really know each other that well. You can't force emotional honesty and intimacy. That would be a huge red flag for me if someone was trying to get that right off the bat when they might not even know what kind of food I like. She said you seemed fixated on sex? Why? Were you asking her how many partners she had been with or something like that?
Yes, this is Wong. I guess for starters you've never heard of the rule about not talking about exes on a date? There's a reason for that and being a negative topic is one of them. Your using virtue singnalling to try to be different from the other guys and it just comes across as weird or elitist. Show through your actions who you are don't tell. Just have positive conversations move from texting to a date quickly.
My breakfast date with my old classmate went well. We talked about a variety of things and I even explained Football to her lol. Now maybe I was overconfident but I went for the kiss at the end and she deflected to the cheek. Eh guess she wasn't ready yet.
Anyways DatingEra I need some advice. I like this girl, have for awhile just never tried to date her. She has two young kids and she had them with her ex husband (out of the picture)
Has anyone here ever dated someone with kids? How did it go? Were you able to deal with the fact they weren't your kids? Our first date went well and we made plans for another but I know I'm going to have to face this sooner or later.
Anyways DatingEra I need some advice. I like this girl, have for awhile just never tried to date her. She has two young kids and she had them with her ex husband (out of the picture)
Has anyone here ever dated someone with kids? How did it go? Were you able to deal with the fact they weren't your kids? Our first date went well and we made plans for another but I know I'm going to have to face this sooner or later.
...yikes. You asked for her previous relationship history? That's a big no-no until maybe when you two are exclusive.
I certainly do not want to talk about my past relationship history with women (especially if it went ugly), as it's about the present and future.
Yes, and it's likely other dates have minded but just not vocalized that discomfort. My list: don't talk about exes and getting one's heart broken. Don't ask me how my relationship is with my parents (it's fine, but this kind of forced intimacy feels unearned. I've known you for a few hours, you don't need to know about my personal family relationships). Don't ask if I'm seeing other women unless we've been dating a few months and you wanna start bringing up exclusivity. There's other things, but the point is focus on having fun with someone.
Don't ever be friends with someone because you think it will improve your romantic chances. It never ends well, is dishonest, and isn't healthy. Be friends if you would wanna hang out with them without any chance of anything.
It happens. Just gotta learn from it.
Not about what you internally feel. Its about how you come across so you gotta evaluate where you went wrong or if its just compatibility. Also, wanting sex early doesn't make you a sleaze ball, as a side note.
That's way too much man. You just met someone, they dont need 21 questions about their past and their emotional ups and downs. Keep it light. Just treat it as chills, you can be a lil physical but man, trying to appeal to someones emotions on day one is too much.
She said she wasn't interested. All you say is "I'm sorry I made you uncomfortable. That wasn't my intention. It was nice to meet you and best of luck for your future dates" then leave it. Dont try to be her friend. You dont want friendship. Just go look for people who wanna date.
Anyone have had or currently experiencing issues with severe insecurity? My emotions are ridiculous and my brain is just horrid in terms of how I view myself and it severely disrupts potential serious and casual relationships. I guess looking for advice on how to manage them in terms of the dating game.
Well, the weekend with the girl I was flying to see went pretty horribly. We were pretty much fighting constantly. A lot of it was on me for being insecure and acting like a baby, But the shitty weather ruined both of our moods, and we were both being quite toxic toward each other. Best thing we could say when we left was that we didn't hate each other, lol, that was looking like a definite possibility for a long while there. Shame, it started so well when we met back in October, but I shouldn't have expected it to work after being apart for so long.
Anyway, Internet dating finally got me something and I'm meeting with this cute petite girl tomorrow. She wanted to do cinema, which is not great for a first date, but I'm not going to object when the girl takes the initiative and suggests the activity. And, believe it or not, early cinema dates have worked out ok for me in the past.
She seems very sweet anyway. Regardless of how it goes, it will be nice to go out and meet someone and get my mind off the thing that did not work out.
Oh, and my job gets me nearly 50% off cinema tickets so in terms of money I'm not making a big investment either.
Anyway, Internet dating finally got me something and I'm meeting with this cute petite girl tomorrow. She wanted to do cinema, which is not great for a first date, but I'm not going to object when the girl takes the initiative and suggests the activity. And, believe it or not, early cinema dates have worked out ok for me in the past.
She seems very sweet anyway. Regardless of how it goes, it will be nice to go out and meet someone and get my mind off the thing that did not work out.
Oh, and my job gets me nearly 50% off cinema tickets so in terms of money I'm not making a big investment either.
I think i am screwed.
Remember the date with the girl who was rushed into hospital but is fine now. Yeah it was 2 days since i got kik message from her and she hasnt even opened it since it says D\
Pretty sure i am ghosted. I dont like sending more messages either since she hasnt even opened the last one.
Too bad i was really supportive of her.
Remember the date with the girl who was rushed into hospital but is fine now. Yeah it was 2 days since i got kik message from her and she hasnt even opened it since it says D\
Pretty sure i am ghosted. I dont like sending more messages either since she hasnt even opened the last one.
Too bad i was really supportive of her.
The girl I've been seeing a lot and I just decided to go exclusive. I've been thinking about it for awhile and I'm happy that we were basically on the same page. I'm going to break things off with the other girl today. Just going to tell her that I've been seeing someone else and things got serious with them and so I want to stop dating.
Is it generally ok to break this to someone via text if you've only been casually dating? Like that's not rude is it? It's not a break up since we weren't in a relationship but I have technically been seeing her since November and she's a cool person so I want to be respectful and upfront about it. Don't want to ghost her or anything like that.
Is it generally ok to break this to someone via text if you've only been casually dating? Like that's not rude is it? It's not a break up since we weren't in a relationship but I have technically been seeing her since November and she's a cool person so I want to be respectful and upfront about it. Don't want to ghost her or anything like that.
If you tell her you've met someone else then you'll hurt her feelings and burn that bridge with her. If you tell her you've been seeing someone else at the same time and she's been 2nd best (which is how she'll take it - youve picked the other one over her) youll REALLY hurt her feelings.
Of course you don't owe her anything, she'd do the same to you in a heartbeat, but you're gonna piss her off, and the one you've picked might turn into a psycho within a week. I would think carefully about it. Personally I'd just not go on any more dates with her, but not explicitly break it off.
I mean the fact that you were supportive doesn't mean she has to stick around or entitle you to anything. Not saying this to be mean but regardless of whether she was really sick or she was super healthy it's still just someone you barely know. Until you're in a relationship (or minimally going on regular dates) you shouldn't be particularly invested in her (or anyone).
I think text is fine. I dont think she really needs to be face to face with you so you can tell her "hey I found someone else, peace".
Just dont let it linger. Send the text, regardless of what she sends after dont let it drag into an argument or any shit like that.
Personally though, I would just say you have fun with her but you need someone with more time for committement so you would like to stop seeing each other. Dont mention the other girl. That aint really relevant.