I overreacted a bit in my last post. I didnt want this, so I apologize, its just a bit difficult to pharaphase a multiple week long conversation into a few posts and I think its harder since nobody of you really know me.
I am aware that I am not the easiest person in the beginning, I dont like going out of my comfortzone, I am introverted and shy in the beginning, bit really outgoing when I know people good. Additional to this, I have my fair share of problems, like my ADHD, me beeing a easy victim for bullies in school, almost getting burnout two years ago. I dont like making a big thing out of it, but it was what shaped me, it all came together to make a pretty negative person with a low self-esteem. I dont go around and scream how bad everything is, but you notice that I always expect the worst thing to happen to me. And its not like I have nothing to be proud of, lots of people like me, I have a great job, my coworkers like me, to... I had dates before, some of the were just great, but most the time something happened afterwards that destroyed all confidence that I build over the course of the date. Its shit, but its just who I am. And I am aware that women notice this... So yeah... And just to make clear, I am no stranger to basic human behaviour and how to talk with other people, its just really difficult with strangers.
In regards of my date and the partying thing... I kinda hate that I didnt went there with here, but I also think it was the right thing at that moment... And she even agreed to me, that if she would not drink like I do, she would not go, too, but its not like I was always asgainst here ideas... She had a couple of ideas of things to do, which I usually also would not do, but she made me curious and I was willing to go out of my comfortzone. Of course, it came to nothing, but I was open to it.
Its just not that easy. Going out in the evening is exhausting to me, thanks to the time I almost got a burnout. I was never the kind of person who wents out partying, I have no idea what I am supposed to do at a bar beside drinking and I think I look super ridicolus when I dance but now I cant even do it, because I am to tired. Its fine when I have the right people around me, but since the few friends I have also dont go out (no, they are no nerds or gamers), its just not working. And yes, I could persue other hobbys with groups of people, but I dont want to do this alone...
Also I am aware, that I am pretty frustrated in regards of this topic at this point. I am really desperate how some closeness and the feel that someone who is not family cares about me, and yes, thats not the best mood to get in touch with someone else. Someone said yesterday that its maybe for the best to stop looking for some else... and this is not the first time that I heard this in the last few weeks...
I dont feel bad currently, beside feeling alone. But I have no idea. In the two years where I almost got Burnout, I never went to a doctor to talk about it, I didnnt talked for a long, long time with anyone about it because I dont wanted to be put in the spotlight. I only looked symptoms up and talked at some point in a minor way with a doctor about it, when my bloodpressure reached a dangerous high point, but I had to force him to not send me into treatment. I dont know. I know people with depression and I dont feel like how they describe what they experience.
