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Well, she definitely isn't taking up much of the responsibility on mutual paying or rotating paying. And at some point I shouldn't even have to ask her or bring it up.
We ate ate out last night, and the waiter instantly left me with the check and she's all "see he knows the guys are always supposed to pay for the meal" :/
Could this be a cultural thing that she's learned? (She's Mexican)
Yeah, I know, right? It's just a great feeling to know you have each other's back and have a mutual stake in each other's happiness, I guess?
Yep! Ok, thanks for the confirmation. This one will go in my negative file on her, haha. That negative file gets big enough and I'm out.
So I got a second date with this chick I've been talking to for a while now tomorrow night. She wants to go to an arcade in town which is fine. However I had a really bad week in general, and we already postphoned this date once since she was sick last week. I'm in really no mood to go out, but guess I'll power through.
Don't swipe right on everyone - there's semi-rigorous evidence that it tanks your internal rating and puts you at the bottom of everyone's piles, meaning most people will never see you. It makes sense logically too - Tinder wants its users to have a good time and get messages, and people who swipe right on everyone will inevitable get a lot of matches that they will never talk to. There are a few other factors that seem to affect your rating, but as with swiping right on everyone take it with a grain of salt. No one knows how it really works. I read this article http://www.swipehelper.com/2016/11/16/tinder-algorithm/
Honestly it just sounds like you find him borring irl. You're expecting a more stimulating conversation and it's just not happening.
Is he interesting to talk to over text messages?
Sounds like he's very introverted.... I dunno, no harm in giving him a chance, some people genuinely get very nervous/awkward in person and take a while. If it doesn't improve and if you're not feeling it then maybe it's not meant to be
Perhaps not the right place for this, but my fiance and I split up last night. I saw it coming, wasn't really there for her sometimes, and the distance made it difficult to resolve any issues (she worked at a game dev in Sheffield, I work at a games user research studio in Brighton) but I didn't realise I'd feel so empty, without her. She meant the world to me, I should have showed her that more often.
A little despondent. We were together for 5 years.
A little despondent. We were together for 5 years.
Damn, sorry to hear that man. I presume you guys tried your best to work it out, to no avail? No option to move at all?
Unfortunately, not really, no. We'd been trying to repair things but she'd not been putting any effort in to communicate. When I confronted her about it, she just said it was because she didn't want to fix things, and didn't see things getter better, etc. It didn't feel that there was much I could do to convince her.
In general, than anything else, it was the distance that made things impossible. Even though we'd see each other for a weekend and repair things a little, get a little closer, a little better, by the time I'd next see her and we'd feel more distant than ever. We used to have issues from time to time, when we lived together, but we were always able to resolve them, but that dynamic didn't work when we were living apart.
She was supposed to just be working her internship for a year, then she'd move down south and we'd settle down... never mind that then...
Sigh it's near impossible to make things work if the other person needs to be convinced to try.
Long distance is a killer to even the best of relationships. :(
It was called Cyber back in the day, and it sure is.
Sorry man, that sucks. Distance is a relationship killer. And it sounds like you were dealing with both physical and emotional distance, and from both of you. There was distance, but there wasn't the desire to make it work either. Everyone I know who made distance work, eventually ended up living close, or living together within a year, meaning almost no one can make perpetual long distance relationship work.
A bit of advice on how I should have handled this.
Talked to a girl on Tinder for a few days, conversation was good so I asked her to meet. She lives 45 miles away though so a bit difficult, but she has meetings in my town here and there so she would tell me when she had the next one. A few days later she said she's coming down late next week (that was this week), I say great, let me know which day. Middle of this week I ask her if she knows which day, no response until today morning. She says she was here on Thursday and unfortunately couldn't stay at all after the meeting, she had to go to help her parents (in another town about 30 miles away), and also she apologized for not telling me. I say that's fine, just hit me up when you're in town next - she tells me that's this upcoming Tuesday but unfortunately she has dinner with work after, so no time since I work during the day. I just responded "too bad" and that's that.
Basically told all this to a female friend and she says I acted way too desperate, especially the last part about hitting me up when she's in town. According to her I should have stopped talking to her after the excuse. While I agree in principle that you shouldn't be 100% available all the time and give in to the other person's every need, it doesn't hurt to throw out the question. I sort of suspect her excuse was bullshit and that she didn't want to meet, but I figure it can't hurt. Or am I in the wrong here?
Talked to a girl on Tinder for a few days, conversation was good so I asked her to meet. She lives 45 miles away though so a bit difficult, but she has meetings in my town here and there so she would tell me when she had the next one. A few days later she said she's coming down late next week (that was this week), I say great, let me know which day. Middle of this week I ask her if she knows which day, no response until today morning. She says she was here on Thursday and unfortunately couldn't stay at all after the meeting, she had to go to help her parents (in another town about 30 miles away), and also she apologized for not telling me. I say that's fine, just hit me up when you're in town next - she tells me that's this upcoming Tuesday but unfortunately she has dinner with work after, so no time since I work during the day. I just responded "too bad" and that's that.
Basically told all this to a female friend and she says I acted way too desperate, especially the last part about hitting me up when she's in town. According to her I should have stopped talking to her after the excuse. While I agree in principle that you shouldn't be 100% available all the time and give in to the other person's every need, it doesn't hurt to throw out the question. I sort of suspect her excuse was bullshit and that she didn't want to meet, but I figure it can't hurt. Or am I in the wrong here?
I know in a later post you mentioned that she's Mexican, and based upon cultural mores, that slightly makes sense: I dated a Brazilian girl last year and things were similar. In any case, there's a huge fucking difference between paying for someone on the first date and being in an actual relationship and fronting the bill 100% of the time.
My only caveat is this: does she pick up the slack elsewhere? Like, I'm dating a girl who's really goddamned poor. I don't expect her to pay for anything besides coffee, ever, but she does cook and do some domestic tasks. (Not that I ask her to do that either; she feels horrible about the financial disparity and offers, and it makes her feel bad if she doesn't do stuff.)
Honestly, it sounds to me like money's only part of it. Do you feel appreciated in this relationship?
I think you guys might have deeper issues.
You were fine. You expressed interest, tried to make scheduling work, were understanding and accommodating, and didn't act desperate at all. The "hit me up when you're in town next" followed by "too bad" was fine.
a/s/l?
If she doesn't want to meet you, NOT asking her to let you know when she's in town isn't going to change her mind. You are right, there was nothing for you to lose by asking her here
Thanks y'all, good to hear.
Yep! We're in a relationship and have been together for months now. This thread was just the best place for asking the question.
But yeah, during the dating phase - I didnt have too much of a problem picking up the bill. Would have been nice if she would have rotated the paying then, but wasn't going to make a big deal of it. Now that we are a couple, it's started to become an issue for me - especially when she's the one asking to go out and eat versus just cooking something in or whatever (and no, she doesn't really pick up the slack in other places, doesn't really cook at all, doesn't help me out in any other way, the sex....I'm doing all the work without being worked on, if that makes sense). If she was poor, I would of course have zero problem picking up any and every tab - she's not.
And yeah, I think you probably hit the nail on the head with me feeling under appreciated. I probably would have less of these feelings if she would just give me a hug, and thank me for the dinner, or the movie, or renting bicycles for a beach ride, or Anything we do and she just doesn't. And it feels weird asking her to do that. Like, if I have to tell her, then she probably feels it's just owed to her, and she doesn't want to do or at least say that's she's appreciative. If she does say or start helping for my sake, it'd just be an act, you know?
Who had the bandwidth for video calling?
Cyber was and is text.
And then these Millennials come along, with their fat pipes to pump piles of bandwidth through.
Messaged a girl on OKC 2 days ago and after exchanging a few longer messages I asked for her number today since the conversation was flowing really well between us. She gave me her number and since then we've been messaging on Whatsapp and I have a good feeling about this. Is it too early to ask her out on a date or is it exactly what I should do now?
Is there a certain point where you should have a discussion on "what" you are when it comes to dating? A little less than a month ago I had introduced myself to a girl, told her I thought she was incredibly pretty and asked if I could give her my number. She said yes, and long story short over the course of the last month, we've been on about 9 dates, ranging on walks in the park, to going out, to staying in and cooking together. We've had sex.
Is there a point where I need to have a discussion on "what" we are? I'm not saying having a discussion on whether or not we are "boyfriend and girlfriend", nor am I about to drop the "I love you". I guess I'm not sure on the timetable on these sorts of things. I realize we only have known one another for a month, but we have been getting together at least twice a week since meeting. When do people usually discuss "what" they are as a couple? Or is it something that is sorta implied?
Is there a point where I need to have a discussion on "what" we are? I'm not saying having a discussion on whether or not we are "boyfriend and girlfriend", nor am I about to drop the "I love you". I guess I'm not sure on the timetable on these sorts of things. I realize we only have known one another for a month, but we have been getting together at least twice a week since meeting. When do people usually discuss "what" they are as a couple? Or is it something that is sorta implied?
Nine dates and sex (congrats on the sex, btw). It's definitely time for a DTR (defining the relationship), though definitely too soon for "I love you".
You don't have to do anything major - just ask, "hey, are we exclusive now? are we thinking about this long term, beyond just hanging out and having fun? is that what we both want? are we on the same page?" And try to initiate this conversation while you're being intimate, not necessarily physically, but emotionally - you'll both be more receptive and in the right head/heart space at that time.
Simple stuff really. And if you both agree, great! If not, find out why and maybe you'll have to work on it, or maybe you'll have to move on.
Either way, good luck!
Girl from last week (i had a date on the 1st and then a different date on the 9th) texted me at 8PM on Friday apologizing for her lack of availability this week. Very odd. I texted back that my weekend was now full-up (sorta true, i'm doing apartment hunting) but that i was available further on (possibly. I like the girl from the 9th better. Equally attracted to both but the one from the 9th has hella more chemistry).
Which reminds me i've got to text 9th-girl back today or tomorrow to offer a second date for next weekend.
Which reminds me i've got to text 9th-girl back today or tomorrow to offer a second date for next weekend.
Wow I just had an incredible date with an angel. A literal angel of a woman. Lasted 5 hours and it was just us talking. So much chemistry between us. She said she wants to go out again tomorrow evening and we made plans to go to the park in the evening. I really hope this turns into a relationship.
Matched with a girl from my university on tinder last night who I find incredibly attractive. She's also way smarter than me which I love. Anyway after about 30 minutes of chatting she sends me her number and a little bit into texting she says she's into politics like me so I explain I'm an officer of one of the school's political clubs. Then she starts asking me about the club and the conversation ends with her planning to come to our next meeting on Monday. Lol I wasn't on tinder looking to recruit liberal activists to my cause, just to date them. Oh well
Spent all day playing video games, will be on the dating sites tonight while watching football. Lazy Saturdays are fun.
Any suggestions on how to stay positive when you don't get hits or dates fall through? I have a close friend (one of my best) fell into a relationship and it's frustrating to see it work so well for him. (I am super proud though)
Any suggestions on how to stay positive when you don't get hits or dates fall through? I have a close friend (one of my best) fell into a relationship and it's frustrating to see it work so well for him. (I am super proud though)
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One of my best friends just became single after many years. Normally I would be super excited to get back out there and be wingman for each other like back in the day but I've been going hard for a while now and I'm burnt the fuck out. I probs should hit him up for a night on the town though. The timing for this shit is always the worst. Had he been single a few months ago, shit would have been off the hook.
Alright, guess I should ask earlier in the future. Just asked her. Hopefully she'll say yes :)
Thanks! I'll feel it out and I agree to wait for a more intimate moment. We seem to be having more and more of those so I'm sure it will happen the next time I see her (later today) : )
fuck... yea it is possible and I'll ve cool if it happens but we also set something up for tuesday before she suggested hanging out tomorrow
Ill just txt her once tomorrow afternoon asking if she would like to still meet that day and if not its cool. Make it no pressure situation.
Just be prepared that it can happen. Be careful to put too much hopes in a woman until you're exclusive, you can get ghosted at literally any point.
Yall got me worried now... :(
Really think it could go down hill from here even after an awesome first date?
I'm the type of person to worry.
Really think it could go down hill from here even after an awesome first date?
I'm the type of person to worry.
Yea true
There is something so appealing to letting yourself become attached so quickly. Idk why. But you're asking for dissatisfaction.
There is something so appealing to letting yourself become attached so quickly. Idk why. But you're asking for dissatisfaction.
Part of it's because you just want to be done with it. It's a rare person who finds playing the field to actually be fun instead of a damn slog. It's the wrong mindset to take with dating (because a relationship needs to be something more than just a checkbox on your list of life milestones that you need to tick off, but at the same time it is widely embedded as a known milestone in passing into mature adulthood), but I definitely feel the sense that, more than anything, it will be a *relief* to be in a relationship.
The job-hunting metaphors are real. The job is still work and you have to be diligent and caring if you want your job to go well after you get it, but the stress of doing the job is much less anxious than the stress of finding a job. So it is with relationships, once you're in it's real work to keep it going, but less stressful and demeaning work than just getting there in the first place.
This isn't necessarily my advice directed to you, just anyone in general, on how to get over this stuff quick-like.
Dating (online or otherwise) and life in general is so much easier when you have the mindset that you, and them, don't owe anybody your time or energy if you don't want. I only have 60 to 70 years if I'm lucky, and most of that time is working anyway. I can't explain to everyone I meet why I'm not into them, or handhold anybody who gets disappointed from my lack of interest. Similarly, people don't owe my feelings any consideration, either.
Even if she explains what she doesn't like about you, that doesn't mean other people won't like that same aspect, so you could end up trying to tailor yourself to someone who has already lost interest, only to lose out on being yourself.
Take the silence as a blessing: Time to meet any of the other millions of people on this earth.
I hope this doesn't come off as harsh or uncaring, I'm trying for the opposite. It's time for some you-time.
Really good way to look at it.Time is way too important in life, especially the older you get, to spend wasting it on a person who isn't 100% into you or vice versa.
Hm, the girl replied, but I am not sure whether I am misinterpreting things here.
She wrote that she would really like to meet me and discuss about games and/or FFXIV because she really enjoys doing that with me. We both realized over the course of our conversations that we are both into gaming (she actually called herself a gaming-enthusiast) and FFXIV in particular, so we were talking quite a bit about that before. It's nice that she is willing to meet me, but I am not sure how I should interpret the "to discuss games" part. Is she only interested in me as a gaming buddy? Should I ask her directly whether she would consider it a date or not? Am I overthinking too much?
In addition, she wrote that she will have surgery on Wednesday and will need time to recover first. Guess the meet-up will have to wait either way :(
She wrote that she would really like to meet me and discuss about games and/or FFXIV because she really enjoys doing that with me. We both realized over the course of our conversations that we are both into gaming (she actually called herself a gaming-enthusiast) and FFXIV in particular, so we were talking quite a bit about that before. It's nice that she is willing to meet me, but I am not sure how I should interpret the "to discuss games" part. Is she only interested in me as a gaming buddy? Should I ask her directly whether she would consider it a date or not? Am I overthinking too much?
In addition, she wrote that she will have surgery on Wednesday and will need time to recover first. Guess the meet-up will have to wait either way :(
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photofeeler update...
Took 24 hours, but I finally got over 20 votes (from only women voting), though I still don't think that's a high enough number of votes for a reliable sampling.
But it does prove the point that we're not the best judge of our own photos, as I think I look rather awkward in that pic above, but it did much better than another photo that thought I looked better in.
Took 24 hours, but I finally got over 20 votes (from only women voting), though I still don't think that's a high enough number of votes for a reliable sampling.
But it does prove the point that we're not the best judge of our own photos, as I think I look rather awkward in that pic above, but it did much better than another photo that thought I looked better in.
Yup! :D We have good convos too.
The problem is that my area isn't that large and I can get to the bottom of my deck pretty quickly if I log in daily. The same goes for my friends in the area.
As for my female friends that swipe-all, it works for them because not everyone swipes right on them, and it's easier to cull the matches afterward.
Sorry to hear mate.
My ex-fiancé and I ended after 7 years together.
From my experience, you'll feel empty for some time. And then after that goes away, you'll feel it again some. You'll both, at different times have thoughts about getting back together, but unless you both genuinely want that and work hard at it,I'd recommend avoiding 'hanging out' or 'catching up' because it just delays and drags out the healing process and general journey of finding your own happiness again.
I saw a life coach (psychologist) a few times and it really helped me process a lot of feelings and thoughts.
Almost 5 years on, we are both in happy relationships and still remain good friends. (In fact most women I've talked to and dated since actually find this as a positive and mature so don't hesitate about being open and honest down the track about remaining friends with an ex).
And as corny as it sounds, just use these experiences to learn from and to make you a better person. It's helped my current relationship immensely.
Best of luck mate.