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Am I the asshole in this social situation?
- Thread starter KimiNewt
- Start date
Thread seems wrapped up, good that in retrospect you see that you could've handled it differently OP.
I mean, what are you considering a public space? A bus or a train where you're in close proximity sure but are you suggesting that speaking on the phone in public makes you an arsehole except for emergencies?
I mean, what are you considering a public space? A bus or a train where you're in close proximity sure but are you suggesting that speaking on the phone in public makes you an arsehole except for emergencies?
You should have asked them to turn it down if it was bothering you. What you did sounds like a passive aggressive dick move that would only have served to make things awkward for everyone else in the room.
You might have received different responses if you'd politely asked first and been ignored, but as it's written I'd assume you came across as being angry that no-one was volunteering to fight your battle for you.
You might have received different responses if you'd politely asked first and been ignored, but as it's written I'd assume you came across as being angry that no-one was volunteering to fight your battle for you.
The person who makes noise in a public space is the asshole, not the one bothered by it.
It's a fucking plauge here in Israel.
It's a fucking plauge here in Israel.
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Passive aggressive behavior.
Should've asked them to turn it down, and if they didn't, then you tell the library staff.
They know better, but were counting on the meekness of others to do what they want.
You have to check people like that. They aren't used to people standing up to them.
Should've asked them to turn it down, and if they didn't, then you tell the library staff.
They know better, but were counting on the meekness of others to do what they want.
You have to check people like that. They aren't used to people standing up to them.
Nah i was thinking more train, bus etc, not like a park or on the street. Close proximity only.
I see this practically every day. Some ass hole having an hour long conversation about something totally incidental.
I sat next to a woman on the overground train this morning who had a conversation for 50 mins about what dress to wear to a wedding and the correct spelling of the word suede.
SPOILERS: even after the discussion and asking siri, she got the spelling wrong.
I was actually wearing noise cancelling headphones and playing my switch and i could still hear her shouting down her phone.
I really don't know why people behave this way. It's like knowing how to behave in public is a forgotten skill.
I think both of you were probably being assholes. The way you went about asking them to turn it down (or not, since you didn't actually ask them even though that's what you wanted) was definitely deliberately provocative in a passive aggressive way. That said, even study places that allow talking aren't supposed to be like social hangout spots, just less strict than a library, and they shouldn't be sat in there watching standup with the speakers blaring. Go to the canteen or go home or something if you're going to be loud in a room where you know people are going to be studying.
I mean, I've definitely experienced the absolutely obnoxiously loud phone conversations by someone standing within a metre of me on a crowded train, but unless it is hugely loud I don't quite see how a phone conversation differs from two people having a conversation tbh. It can be over absolutely inconsequential stuff, but if you're sitting on a train for 50 mins why not use that time to do the boring shit, or chew the fat with someone on the phone.
Here's one take.
And mine is that since nobody seemed bothered, it seems like it may have not been that loud in the first place. People have no problems tell people to keep it down in study areas.
I suppose it comes down the type of person you are.
If you are capable of having a conversation on the phone, on a crowded train, and do it in a quiet and respectful way (i see this too), then yeah, sure. I at least respect someone making an effort to behave appropriately in public.
If you are the sort of person who has no ability to gauge if you are screaming down the phone for an hour, and that every single person can hear you, then you're just an asshole who has no respect for other people and doesn't know how to conduct your self in a public space.
I disagree with most in this thread and think the OP did nothing wrong.
People that are that oblivious to social norms and inconsiderate of others need to be called out. If you're in a public space playing anything on a speaker for a length of time you should be wearing headphones. Not to mention if you're in a space designated as a low-key study area. And even if it was a lounge area, if the people around you are quietly studying, be considerate and go somewhere else. Pick up on social cues instead of being self-absorbed.
For those saying he shouldn't have been confrontational and politely asked them to turn down their video, confrontation can be very subjective. Many people wouldn't politely ask someone to turn down their speaker because that in itself has the potential to be confrontational. If someone is already that oblivious, who knows how they're going to respond to a request like that. Have none of you ever been in a theater where assholes are loud and obnoxious but everyone just sits there and says nothing? And then when somebody speaks up the other person becomes aggressive?
I think there's a 50/50 chance that people in there were either too afraid to speak up and didn't want to be confrontational (thus not agreeing with you when you made the scene in order to stay out of it), or they genuinely weren't bothered.
You made the right call OP.
People that are that oblivious to social norms and inconsiderate of others need to be called out. If you're in a public space playing anything on a speaker for a length of time you should be wearing headphones. Not to mention if you're in a space designated as a low-key study area. And even if it was a lounge area, if the people around you are quietly studying, be considerate and go somewhere else. Pick up on social cues instead of being self-absorbed.
For those saying he shouldn't have been confrontational and politely asked them to turn down their video, confrontation can be very subjective. Many people wouldn't politely ask someone to turn down their speaker because that in itself has the potential to be confrontational. If someone is already that oblivious, who knows how they're going to respond to a request like that. Have none of you ever been in a theater where assholes are loud and obnoxious but everyone just sits there and says nothing? And then when somebody speaks up the other person becomes aggressive?
I think there's a 50/50 chance that people in there were either too afraid to speak up and didn't want to be confrontational (thus not agreeing with you when you made the scene in order to stay out of it), or they genuinely weren't bothered.
You made the right call OP.
Yeah, you come off as a bit of a dick in this scenario. All you needed to do was scoot over close to them and quietly say "Do you mind turning it down a little please?" Saying it out loud like this seems like you're trying to call them out and doesn't make you look good.
But how was the attempt to bring in others in the room to make a point of how irritating their behaviour was not-confrontational?
Many people have said that the ones watching the video were out of order, but I don't understand how standing up and making a point of calling someone out on the way out of the room is less confrontational that politely asking them to turn it down.
It definitely is confrontational. My point is, people are telling the OP not to be confrontational by politely asking them to turn down the volume, but for many people even doing that is too confrontational because you don't know how the other person will react. Obviously it would have went over fine in this situation, but I still think that people who aren't picking up on social cues and respecting others should be called out.
Eh. Not really?
I've been on the opposite end of that. Was done studying so I threw on It's Always Sunny in a computer lab. Had headphones on but I was laughing pretty loudly because that show is awesome. Had someone ask me to keep it down because I was distracting.
I felt a bit shitty. But I kept watching and just kinda held the guffaws in.
You could have approached the people a bit better like the one guy did with me, but oh well. I wouldn't worry too much about it.
I've been on the opposite end of that. Was done studying so I threw on It's Always Sunny in a computer lab. Had headphones on but I was laughing pretty loudly because that show is awesome. Had someone ask me to keep it down because I was distracting.
I felt a bit shitty. But I kept watching and just kinda held the guffaws in.
You could have approached the people a bit better like the one guy did with me, but oh well. I wouldn't worry too much about it.
There are two factors at play here.
1) The two people laughing out loud at something playing over speakers that they probably wouldn't have been doing solo because nobody is stupid enough to think everyone actually wants to hear what you're listening to
2) The guy who wants to call them out for it, but wants to be sure someone has his back first just in case they go "Nah breh" and ignore his request
I'm going to go out on a limb and say you're both assholes
but seeing as you seem to be less mad at the situation itself and more at the fact that they decided to do it....im going to call you the bigger douche
also if you're only gonna make a scene about it when you know you're gonna leave (and even still only after trying to enlist help) why even bother, take ya scary ass on somewhere
1) The two people laughing out loud at something playing over speakers that they probably wouldn't have been doing solo because nobody is stupid enough to think everyone actually wants to hear what you're listening to
2) The guy who wants to call them out for it, but wants to be sure someone has his back first just in case they go "Nah breh" and ignore his request
I'm going to go out on a limb and say you're both assholes
but seeing as you seem to be less mad at the situation itself and more at the fact that they decided to do it....im going to call you the bigger douche
also if you're only gonna make a scene about it when you know you're gonna leave (and even still only after trying to enlist help) why even bother, take ya scary ass on somewhere
Eh, it's not really a big deal. When you're of that age, only barely an adult, you're still figuring out how to handle social interactions like this, and you learn by making mistakes and reflecting on them so you can do better in the future. Which is what you're doing here, so good for you.
I'll give you the cheat codes to this one though: people respond badly to being publicly scolded. A quiet, non-threatening word in the ear is the way to go for this type of situation (and indeed most situations).
I'll give you the cheat codes to this one though: people respond badly to being publicly scolded. A quiet, non-threatening word in the ear is the way to go for this type of situation (and indeed most situations).
Ah I may have misunderstood your post then.
I think the general consensus of this thread has been:
- The video-watchers were definitely inconsiderate
- OP came across as a bit of a nob in the way he tried to call them out
- Asking them directly probably was the best course of action to take.
If they had reacted badly it'd have been a perfectly fine time to ask the other people in the room if they had an issue.
But calling them out for the sake of calling them out is pretty self-serving and obnoxious to be honest. If it isn't going to affect you any longer, and no-one in the room seems to have an issue just leave it alone. It serves nothing but your own indignation.
I was with you till you said....I had to get going....If you are leaving then why are you trying to die on a hill?
If you have the ability to do the passive aggressive maneuver of asking the entire row if they were bothered, you also had the ability to ask those people first to turn it down.
As someone who typically doesn't speak up in these situations (can't stand the slightest amount of confrontation), I would have definitely appreciated someone doing this.
It wasn't the best manner to address it yeah, but I don't think OP was an asshole.
They were in a public place, others shouldn't need reminders to act politely. People can be too timid to ask directly so saying that's the only way of acting in that situation is a bit reductive.
They were in a public place, others shouldn't need reminders to act politely. People can be too timid to ask directly so saying that's the only way of acting in that situation is a bit reductive.
That works both ways though. Youre in a public place, they're in the same location. Unless there are actual rules defined then they're just as entitled to do what they were doing. Others were in the same room and able to study as well. OP was wrong with the approach. Should have asked politely or left to another location.
I would have acted similarly to you, and I have been called an asshole before
People who do inconsiderate things like this are actual assholes
But people who say something are perceived as assholes
...but yeah, it's easier to ask them to turn it down/off first before going for the public shaming
People who do inconsiderate things like this are actual assholes
But people who say something are perceived as assholes
...but yeah, it's easier to ask them to turn it down/off first before going for the public shaming
You can share headphones between two people.
They were being inconsiderate - other people shouldn't have to drown out what they're watching by increasing the volume in their own headphones. The Computer Lab would be no place for anyone if others were acting the same way.
You're no asshole OP, you just weren't polite about addressing the noise they were making. They aren't owed politeness in response to them being inconsiderate.
They were being inconsiderate - other people shouldn't have to drown out what they're watching by increasing the volume in their own headphones. The Computer Lab would be no place for anyone if others were acting the same way.
You're no asshole OP, you just weren't polite about addressing the noise they were making. They aren't owed politeness in response to them being inconsiderate.
They were being assholes, but you should have just asked them politely to turn it down. Then be more aggressive about it if they were rude or refused.
Passive aggressive shit like what you did is lame.
Passive aggressive shit like what you did is lame.
I think you should have asked when it first bothered you so it would be easier to politely ask rather than let it build up so that you make an angry snark instead. And then you might not have had to deal with it and let the annoyance fester. And if they refused then they would look the bad guy.
On the same hand they should have at least tried to play it at a low volume at the very least.
So no one is completely innocent here.
On the same hand they should have at least tried to play it at a low volume at the very least.
So no one is completely innocent here.
