I kind of feel like a jerk for thinking this way, but the way my sister gives me gifts the last few years has really hurt my feelings. Over the last several years, I always try to put a lot of thought and effort into my presents that I give her and her family for christmas, and feel like none of it is reciprocated. To be clear, my issue is not at all with how much someone spends on me, but how thoughtless the gifts she is giving me are.
The reason I feel so hurt is because, when I give them gifts, I try my hardest to make it feel like it's a reflection that I think about them when they aren't with me, that I keep them in my thoughts. I give them things that I think they will not just like, but will realize I put thought into. Her gifts to me don't show any thought at all, and it kind of hurts.
Let me give some examples -- 2 years ago, for christmas, the 5 year anniversary of her dog's death, I took some photos of her dog that I had in a scrap book and arranged them into a collage along a picture frame holding his old collar in it. One of her kids is into baseball, the other is into dance, so I gave one of them an autographed baseball bat from the Houston Astros, and the other one a copy of Let's Dance for the Wii. They gave me a random issue of a hunting magazine for christmas, I don't hunt or am into guns or anything. Her husband is into guns, not me.
My sister is a school teacher, and we actually managed to share a couple of teachers growing up because we went to the same elementary school despite her being 6 years older than me, so last christmas, I gave her a framed picture of her in her class, and in the same frame was a picture we had taken as kids next to our teachers in the same pose. They had gone to disney world just a few weeks prior, so I gave their kids a ton of disney toys, mickey mouse stuffed animals, iron man action figures, etc. My sister gave me a wine bottle opener for christmas -- I don't drink, I'm a recovering alcoholic. My sister drinks wine, I don't touch any liquor at all and haven't for years and years now.
Earlier this year, for her 40th birthday, I took a bunch of home movies that I had found in the attic and edited them into a DVD called "40 years of my big sister" that featured all of her favorite music in the background. Then her husband and I planned a surprise party for her at her house. 3 weeks later, she didn't even send me a happy birthday text message on my birthday, let alone get me anything.
Today, for christmas, I had taken the rest of the home movies from the attic and converted them to digital formats. Her birthday DVD was about 3 VHS tapes worth of material, but this christmas one was 40 tapes worth of material. It was a book full of DVDs, not just of her, but of all of our home movies. Things like our dead grandma, our family reunions, all sorts of stuff. It wasn't just for her, I made multiple DVDs for everybody in the family, but personalized each box I gave the DVDs in. Like hers, featured a bunch of art from when she was in cheerleading, screenshots taken from the home movies to show her cheerleading. This project actually took months to complete. Her kids are in love with Virtual Reality, they know I work in the field and talk about it pretty much constantly when I'm around, they tell me they love it. So her kids got a PS4 from "santa" this year, so I got them a Playstation VR kit for their PS4. The headset, two move remotes, plus games for each kid - MLB The Show VR for her son, and Beat Saber for her daughter.
She got me a $10 beanie for the Houston Texans. I don't watch NFL football, and I hate the Texans. SHE is a Texans fan, not me.
Now, to compound this, I actually had asked her for something this year. In the last 6 months, I lost 80 lbs on a keto diet, something I'm super proud of. I would text her my progress when I'd lose weight, she knows it was a huge deal to me. A big part of how I did it was by completely cutting out sugar from my diet. I have had an enormous sweet tooth ever since I was little. So, for christmas, all I asked her for was to get me some candy, any candy. I told her christmas day would be the lone cheat day for me, the day I'd forget about keto just for a day and eat all the candy I wanted. Didn't have to be expensive candy, just any candy. I would bring it up pretty much every time we'd talk, which is pretty frequently, how I was excited for candy on christmas day. She didn't get me any candy. She actually made fun of my old weight and how I was "begging for candy" when I walked in, in front of the whole family (extended and all) which was at my mom's house for christmas. I'm sensitive about my weight, so right from the moment I walked in, I felt awkward.
It's not the price of the things that she gives me that hurts my feelings, it's how thoughtless they all feel. They all feel to me like gifts they bought while walking out of the cashier line at walmart just at the last moment, nothing that reflects anything about who I am or what I've been doing in my life or what is important to me. $5 worth of candy -- like a bag of gummy bears or whatever -- would have meant way, way more to me than a $10 beanie to a football team I honestly can't stand.
Am I being too overly sensitive or is this kind of a fucked up pattern? It makes me want to stop putting effort into her gifts, but I love her kids very much and don't want to "punish" them over my own hurt feelings.
The reason I feel so hurt is because, when I give them gifts, I try my hardest to make it feel like it's a reflection that I think about them when they aren't with me, that I keep them in my thoughts. I give them things that I think they will not just like, but will realize I put thought into. Her gifts to me don't show any thought at all, and it kind of hurts.
Let me give some examples -- 2 years ago, for christmas, the 5 year anniversary of her dog's death, I took some photos of her dog that I had in a scrap book and arranged them into a collage along a picture frame holding his old collar in it. One of her kids is into baseball, the other is into dance, so I gave one of them an autographed baseball bat from the Houston Astros, and the other one a copy of Let's Dance for the Wii. They gave me a random issue of a hunting magazine for christmas, I don't hunt or am into guns or anything. Her husband is into guns, not me.
My sister is a school teacher, and we actually managed to share a couple of teachers growing up because we went to the same elementary school despite her being 6 years older than me, so last christmas, I gave her a framed picture of her in her class, and in the same frame was a picture we had taken as kids next to our teachers in the same pose. They had gone to disney world just a few weeks prior, so I gave their kids a ton of disney toys, mickey mouse stuffed animals, iron man action figures, etc. My sister gave me a wine bottle opener for christmas -- I don't drink, I'm a recovering alcoholic. My sister drinks wine, I don't touch any liquor at all and haven't for years and years now.
Earlier this year, for her 40th birthday, I took a bunch of home movies that I had found in the attic and edited them into a DVD called "40 years of my big sister" that featured all of her favorite music in the background. Then her husband and I planned a surprise party for her at her house. 3 weeks later, she didn't even send me a happy birthday text message on my birthday, let alone get me anything.
Today, for christmas, I had taken the rest of the home movies from the attic and converted them to digital formats. Her birthday DVD was about 3 VHS tapes worth of material, but this christmas one was 40 tapes worth of material. It was a book full of DVDs, not just of her, but of all of our home movies. Things like our dead grandma, our family reunions, all sorts of stuff. It wasn't just for her, I made multiple DVDs for everybody in the family, but personalized each box I gave the DVDs in. Like hers, featured a bunch of art from when she was in cheerleading, screenshots taken from the home movies to show her cheerleading. This project actually took months to complete. Her kids are in love with Virtual Reality, they know I work in the field and talk about it pretty much constantly when I'm around, they tell me they love it. So her kids got a PS4 from "santa" this year, so I got them a Playstation VR kit for their PS4. The headset, two move remotes, plus games for each kid - MLB The Show VR for her son, and Beat Saber for her daughter.
She got me a $10 beanie for the Houston Texans. I don't watch NFL football, and I hate the Texans. SHE is a Texans fan, not me.
Now, to compound this, I actually had asked her for something this year. In the last 6 months, I lost 80 lbs on a keto diet, something I'm super proud of. I would text her my progress when I'd lose weight, she knows it was a huge deal to me. A big part of how I did it was by completely cutting out sugar from my diet. I have had an enormous sweet tooth ever since I was little. So, for christmas, all I asked her for was to get me some candy, any candy. I told her christmas day would be the lone cheat day for me, the day I'd forget about keto just for a day and eat all the candy I wanted. Didn't have to be expensive candy, just any candy. I would bring it up pretty much every time we'd talk, which is pretty frequently, how I was excited for candy on christmas day. She didn't get me any candy. She actually made fun of my old weight and how I was "begging for candy" when I walked in, in front of the whole family (extended and all) which was at my mom's house for christmas. I'm sensitive about my weight, so right from the moment I walked in, I felt awkward.
It's not the price of the things that she gives me that hurts my feelings, it's how thoughtless they all feel. They all feel to me like gifts they bought while walking out of the cashier line at walmart just at the last moment, nothing that reflects anything about who I am or what I've been doing in my life or what is important to me. $5 worth of candy -- like a bag of gummy bears or whatever -- would have meant way, way more to me than a $10 beanie to a football team I honestly can't stand.
Am I being too overly sensitive or is this kind of a fucked up pattern? It makes me want to stop putting effort into her gifts, but I love her kids very much and don't want to "punish" them over my own hurt feelings.
