Naijaboy

The Fallen
Mar 13, 2018
15,732
MV5BYWFmYjBiYzItYjBlOS00NThkLTljMWEtYzQ4NTdlNDlmMjg0XkEyXkFqcGdeQXVyMTEyMjM2NDc2._V1_.jpg


In an attempt to make a franchise of yet another classic book, Disney decided to make a movie abot Artemis Fowl, boy genius. It looked like it would be sent to the slaughter in the summer... until a certaon pandemic reared its ugly head. Now it enjos the comfort of a streaming site without the bad headlines of a box office bomb it would have likely been. Was it all part of the plan for the criminal mastermind? We'll never know. What we do know is that it will still have to contend with the people who watched it.

Trailers:




Spoilers will be marked until June 26th.
 
Oct 27, 2017
6,960
Yo I watched this movie, at least the first 45 minutes and then just scrubbed through the rest...

It is crap:
• Bad child acting, discount Jack Black was also meh. Some of the actors were playing a comedy, and some were playing an action movie.
• Visuals are boring. Everything from the fairy worlds, to tech, to costumes, to fighting... bottom tier with nothing unique.
• Story is the copy paste of every other movie where the hero prodigy child discovers his father's secret, acts upon it and saves the world. None of the characters are interesting, they are just stock...

How is it possible to produce a movie this boring? You have the entire IP written down already, Disney's resources, Visual effects and a Colin Farrell...

You know how in other movies they have to work hard to uncover the clues and secrets for the supernatural world? Well, in this movie, a black guy opens a trapdoor into the father's library, then says something about his father's journal, and then 10 seconds later the child just finds it... Just like that the child goes from "Fairies aren't real" to "Assembling a rescue operation against the supernatural". Or their dumb plan to track fairies is to read about one place some fairy was spotted, and literally camp there with a sniper rifle despite the fact that they had 3 days to save his father...

When fairies mobilize to save one who has been captured, it is literally the Normandy beach with hundreds of them deploying around the house... And the child-genius plan is to come-out, shoot 5 of them down who were the only ones actually moving forward, and the somehow start the negotiations?

This movie is really dumb... Disney owes me my 5 brain cells back that I have lost watching half of it.
 
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Ithil

Member
Oct 25, 2017
23,509
I already posted a lot in the review thread but it's a disaster. Rips up the book's story and fails to replace it with a coherent film. It's obvious at least half the film was reshot with a crummy MacGuffin plot shoved in, the editing is just incomprehensible and the runtime is barely 85 minutes before credits roll. Artemis' actor is woefully miscast, almost all the others are underutilized completely. Butler and Juliette might as well not even be in the film.

Also some of the very post expositionary dialogue I've heard.
 

Mosaica

Member
May 22, 2019
357
I won't be watching this until after work today, but I will say this: as a fan of the books, the trailer alone gave me dread.
 
Oct 28, 2017
2,984


Haven't watched it, but this is actually from the books. Probably reads better than it looks on film.

Now to have that guy narrate half the movie seems like a completely bizarre decision

And good-kid Artemis is bad enough, but he doesn't even discover the fairy world himself, his Dad did all the work? Why? Did they intentionally decide to rob their main character of all agency?
 
Oct 27, 2017
6,960
Haven't watched it, but this is actually from the books. Probably reads better than it looks on film.

Now to have that guy narrate half the movie seems like a completely bizarre decision

And good-kid Artemis is bad enough, but he doesn't even discover the fairy world himself, his Dad did all the work? Why? Did they intentionally decide to rob their main character of all agency?

Nobody discovers the fairy world in the movie.

It is there, father is definitely linked to the fairy world unclear how, the father is kidnapped by the evil fairies, and the kid is literally led into the basement library where he just accepts everything (and presumably reads all the books/asks all the question off screen). The first time he encounters a fairy he is already waiting in the ambush, completely aware of the entire militaristic command of the fairy world expecting to take the scout-fairy as a hostage to attract the leaders, including their time-stopping devices and the treasure-seeking mole-dwarfs.

There are no magical moments where the protagonist discovers anything. Every piece of exposition is either told or shown from the perspective of the fairy world characters. All the good movies have the protagonist discover the magical world, meeting new characters and, where the story cannot do that, you have mentors and other elderly figures reveal those details.
 
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Micknick

Member
Nov 1, 2017
71
All I could think after watching it is in a week or so someone at Disney might go "oh shit, we forgot to upload the other half of the film"

It's like they made a film and then decided to take out all of the important narrative beats out.

Was I the only one confused by how that one fairy was in prison, and next thing he's got the power to overthrow Root? Did I miss the five seconds where that was explained
 

KillstealWolf

One Winged Slayer
Avenger
Oct 27, 2017
16,566
20 years in the making only to come to Disney+.

Shockingly I haven't watched it yet because I was supposed to watch this with my brother and he keeps trying to worm himself out of watching it. If he doesn't join soon I'm watching this on my own accords without him.

The timer starts now.
 

NealMcCauley

Member
Oct 27, 2017
6,534
Watched it last night to see how terrible it was. Yikes. IMO this is Battlefield Earth level.

I honestly feel kinda bad for Shaw because it felt like the movie was edited with a hatchet to hide how bad his performance is. I lost count of how many shots showed only his back with dialogue adr'd in. There's a scene early on with him and Farrell walking in a garden, and Farrell legit has a "Seriously kid that's the best you can do?" face.
 
OP
OP
Naijaboy

Naijaboy

The Fallen
Mar 13, 2018
15,732
Forgive me for not reading the book... though my sisters told me the story changed massively judging by the trailer alone.

I should have listened to them.

I don't understand why Kenneth Branagh went with the 'tell not show's approach in a series that is one of the best examples of showing how much of a genius Artemis is. The narrative from Mulch not only deflates any tension in the film, it also leans too much on adulation.

I checked the synopsis for the film, and it looked like something a movie can do within 2 hours. I had no business being as long as it was.

The changes to the book is outright baffling. Why introduce the dad in the first movie instead of the mom? It makes the sequel that much harder to adapt with most of the players already introduced. Besides, having Artemis do it for his mom on the way to his dad would have made him far more sympathetic. And if the Oculus was so valuable, how come no one knew about it until the reveal? Why not just get the faeries' attention to get their help to save his dad? Why is the smartest kid in the world and the son of an alleged criminal mastermind in a school? He's be homeschooled for sure.

The choreography is sloppy and focuses too much on the shine instead of making a coherent fight scene. The troll scene was a mess with little regard to transitions.

This movie is consistently bad with the decent effects and (tall???) Mulch being the only saving grace for the film.

This was the same man who made that Poirot film, so he at least has some experience with mysteries, but it seems as if he took an entirely different approach to it and made it all the worse for it.
 

PhoncipleBone

Community Resettler
Member
Oct 25, 2017
11,357
Kentucky, USA
Watched it last night to see how terrible it was. Yikes. IMO this is Battlefield Earth level.

I honestly feel kinda bad for Shaw because it felt like the movie was edited with a hatchet to hide how bad his performance is. I lost count of how many shots showed only his back with dialogue adr'd in. There's a scene early on with him and Farrell walking in a garden, and Farrell legit has a "Seriously kid that's the best you can do?" face.

and he's the grandson of Robert Shaw. It's obvious screen presence and acting did not pass down to that generation.
 

Deleted member 13645

User requested account closure
Banned
Oct 27, 2017
6,052
There's going to come a day where I get drunk and watch this movie. It's an inevitability. And when it happens it's going to be a mistake. I loved the books as a kid and this movie will harm my memory of them.
 

ContractHolder

Jack of All Streams
Member
Oct 25, 2017
17,027
20 years in the making only to come to Disney+.

Shockingly I haven't watched it yet because I was supposed to watch this with my brother and he keeps trying to worm himself out of watching it. If he doesn't join soon I'm watching this on my own accords without him.

The timer starts now.

The only review that matters.
 

mreddie

Member
Oct 26, 2017
45,085
That teaser trailer thing with the old flying lady being young...yeah that's not in the movie. Several shots are not in the movie.
 

Surakian

Shinra Employee
Avenger
Oct 27, 2017
11,149
They definitely cut a ton of footage and changed the story while it was in production. It's frustrating because you can tell there was something more cohesive here that got left on the cutting room floor. I swear, did nobody watch this film after they finished editing this cut and not realize how disjointed it is?

Also you can tell whatever execs that were in control of this film had never picked up an Artemis Fowl book before. I just cannot believe how this barely resembles the book.
 

El Bombastico

Avenger
Oct 25, 2017
36,258
Man, I feel so bad for all the child actors. They're clearly giving it their all. The adult actors on the other hand are sleepwalking through the movie (except for maybe Josh Gad).
 
Oct 25, 2017
10,799
It's barely a move. Fuck all happens. Also it ends about 1/2-2/3rds of the way a normal movie would end. The ending action set piece doesn't feel like you are at a climax of a story.

And the obvious OH SHIT THIS MAKES NO SENSE reshoots with Josh Gad narrating the whole movie were so starkly out of place and killed any pacing.
 

El Bombastico

Avenger
Oct 25, 2017
36,258
It's barely a move. Fuck all happens. Also it ends about 1/2-2/3rds of the way a normal movie would end. The ending action set piece doesn't feel like you are at a climax of a story.

And the obvious OH SHIT THIS MAKES NO SENSE reshoots with Josh Gad narrating the whole movie were so starkly out of place and killed any pacing.

It really does feel like a compilation movie of a 13-episode season or something. The pacing is atrocious.
 

sfedai0

Member
Oct 27, 2017
10,234
I have a feeling we are gonna see a lot more of these Disney bombs down the road. Disney has been cashing in on remakes, Star Wars, and Marvel.
 
Oct 28, 2017
2,984
I would've assumed this is all the result of Disney interfering, but seems like in interviews Kenneth Brannagh is saying that the changes were his decision. Doesn't really make it any better

Why 'Artemis Fowl' Director Kenneth Branagh Made So Many Major Changes to the Book [Interview]

I was a major fan of Artemis Fowl growing up, so I have to ask about the major changes you made while adapting the film. The biggest having to do with the characterization of Artemis, who is more of a traditional hero and less the redemptive villain/anti-hero than he was in the books. Why did you choose to go this route?

It was a decision based on a sort of inverse take on what I saw in the books, which was Eoin introducing Artemis gathering a sense of morality across the books. He said that he had him preformed as an 11-year-old Bond villain. It seemed to me that for the audiences who were not familiar with the books, this would be a hard, a hard kind of thing to accept. And that one-way of mirroring what he did in the books, was to simply in one film — and to some extent I had some experiences with this with Thor, in the infinite number of possibilities of presenting him — in order to have sufficient people root for him, because Eoin manages to do that the books but it's very hard if you don't have context, we meet him in a story arc that resembles something like the Michael Corleone in The Godfather. Where someone has to, in the context of the first story, arrive where the story begins with in the novels. So the origin story of it, like Thor, was one in which we saw the character come from something more raw, in this case more familiar: going to a school, a bit like some of our audience might be familiar with. And I was less interested in presenting the story from the get-go, of a character who was marooned in a privileged life. I wanted us to find the humanity inside the character, before going on a journey which might be the opposite to the books but sort of integral in the sense of what I was looking for, which was a journey that maybe took our Artemis which he arrives at the end of the movie ready to go to the dark side.

So we see him acquire those characteristics, and it seems to me that that is a way of potentially introducing a much wider audience who didn't know the books to the characters so that the great landscape that Eoin has in the rest of the books, we can hopefully, perhaps, go through, but traveling in the different direction.

"The general audience won't accept this, so let's change everything that made the story unique and interesting" is still a stupid take and has never worked.
And "he'll go darker in future films" is a moot point when there won't be any sequels looking at the reception of this one
 

Slightconfuse

Member
Oct 25, 2017
17,816
Made it half way through it doesn't have anything to do with the source material and is really boring.

Also why is Josh gad narrating the whole time???
 

hsojlightfoot

AVALANCHE
Member
Apr 6, 2020
4,521
So the special effects can't save it? Not even good movie for kids? Maybe Disney dodged a box office disaster. I never read the books so my expectations probably aren't the same as some.
 

SJUG

One Winged Slayer
Member
Oct 30, 2017
1,147
United States
Have not read the books, but still watched (mostly listened as background noise) it. It was super boring. Movie feels like it's trying to rush towards the end.
Artemis had like zero character other than liking his dad.
 

B-Dubs

That's some catch, that catch-22
General Manager
Oct 25, 2017
33,679
Have not read the books, but still watched (mostly listened as background noise) it. It was super boring. Movie feels like it's trying to rush towards the end.
Artemis had like zero character other than liking his dad.
Artemis is supposed to be 12-year-old Hans Gruber, only smarter in every single possible way and more cold blooded.
 

Zippedpinhead

Fallen Guardian
Member
Oct 25, 2017
10,926
my 7 year old son loves this movie. He's watched it every day since it came out. I'm not sure if that's what Diane expected or if even he is the intended audience.
I guess I'll get him the first book? He has been reading the fantastic mr fox lately, not sure if this one is that much more of a YA leap
 

Jon_Sama

Member
Aug 19, 2018
618
I would've assumed this is all the result of Disney interfering, but seems like in interviews Kenneth Brannagh is saying that the changes were his decision. Doesn't really make it any better

Why 'Artemis Fowl' Director Kenneth Branagh Made So Many Major Changes to the Book [Interview]



"The general audience won't accept this, so let's change everything that made the story unique and interesting" is still a stupid take and has never worked.
And "he'll go darker in future films" is a moot point when there won't be any sequels looking at the reception of this one

Sorry Kenneth, that sounds like utter tripe.

Dude had no idea what he was doing.
 

Surakian

Shinra Employee
Avenger
Oct 27, 2017
11,149
I would've assumed this is all the result of Disney interfering, but seems like in interviews Kenneth Brannagh is saying that the changes were his decision. Doesn't really make it any better

Why 'Artemis Fowl' Director Kenneth Branagh Made So Many Major Changes to the Book [Interview]



"The general audience won't accept this, so let's change everything that made the story unique and interesting" is still a stupid take and has never worked.
And "he'll go darker in future films" is a moot point when there won't be any sequels looking at the reception of this one

I have a feeling either he's a god damn idiot (which I don't believe because I actually like Kenneth Branagh--like, Thor was ridiculous but it was still enjoyable and I love Cinderella) or he's just taking the hit because he can't say anything negative against Disney.
 

B-Dubs

That's some catch, that catch-22
General Manager
Oct 25, 2017
33,679
my 7 year old son loves this movie. He's watched it every day since it came out. I'm not sure if that's what Diane expected or if even he is the intended audience.
I guess I'll get him the first book? He has been reading the fantastic mr fox lately, not sure if this one is that much more of a YA leap
Just keep in mind that the book is wildly different from the movie.
 

KeyBladerXIII

Member
Dec 5, 2017
4,620
So the most accurate thing to the books is how Mulch simultaneously eats and shits dirt? Well, at least theres that.
 

Dyno

AVALANCHE
The Fallen
Oct 25, 2017
13,767
Watched it since it was there. Was a bit of a confused mess and I don't think I really got what was happening for fairly large portions of the film. Kind of dull too but I did like Josh Gads character at least.
 

Uzuki

Member
Oct 27, 2017
496
United States
Haven't watched it, but this is actually from the books. Probably reads better than it looks on film.

Now to have that guy narrate half the movie seems like a completely bizarre decision

And good-kid Artemis is bad enough, but he doesn't even discover the fairy world himself, his Dad did all the work? Why? Did they intentionally decide to rob their main character of all agency?

Oh I know I was a huge fan of the books as a kid. I was saying that the movie was worth it just to see that but I guess I had some spoilers in that sentence and it got removed.