Asexuality and Discrimination

[Xaszatm]

Note: This is based on personal opinions and while I am asexual, my experiences and opinions do not necessarily speak for the Asexual Community.

I wanted to make this thread because I wanted to talk about how asexual discrimination occurs. There is usually confusion at the idea and I wanted to give a personal view into why I think it occurs as well as some examples I have experienced.

1. Refusal to acknowledge Asexuality as an orientation

Let's start this by defining what Asexuality means. Asexuality is the lack of sexual attraction to others, or low or absent interest in or desire for sexual activity. It is not a choice (i.e. celibacy or abstinence) but an orientation.

Now, I'm fine with most people initially not familiar with asexuality. After all, only 1% of the world is asexual according to statistics (though people guess the number might be higher). What is significantly less cool is people then trying to find anything to say I'm not asexual. The most common I hear is "Oh, you just haven't met the right person yet." Which is annoying to me because I'm like 99% positive I won't suddenly grow a boner at one person. But there's a lot of things thrown out such as me being gay or bi and not admitting it, saying I'm just trying to justify my virginity (which is...lol I lost that years ago), or implying I'm mentally or hormonaly imbalanced. There is just this refusal to believe that someone can just not be sexually attracted to things.

2. Romance

I don't think people realize how sex plays an important roles in romance and relationships. Even the option to not have sex plays into it. What people don't understand is that asexuality is a spectrum and while people like me are also not interested in romantic interaction, asexuality doesn't necessary preclude romantic interest. Early on before I realized I was aromantic as well as asexual, my lack of a sexual drive was discriminated against. There were those who believed I was lying to them that I cared for them or that I didn't truly love them because of my lack for sexual interest. And as a guy I was incredibly lucky. I know many of my women asexual friends who have horror stories about men who refuse to understand asexuality.

These were but a few examples from personal experience. If any asexual members of Era want to discuss their own discrimination please fill free to.

 

[BDS]

Good thread, there are a lot of shitty misconceptions about asexual people

 

[Dice]

I get enough bullshit admitting my sex drive isn't always running at a "peak high" ("Whaaat but sex is amazing! You just haven't been with the right per--" uuugh no) .
We talk and sell the idea of sex so much people get almost freaked out that others can be different or simply werent born the same... Not sure why it's so hard to accept there are all kinds of peoples with all kinds of preferences....

Xaszatm thanks for making these sorta PSA posts, I honestly think they're concise and a great read for those who legitimately have questions or are just not around folk to tell them about these things...
It's great you can break folks outta their shells

 

[Illusion]

I definitely relate. Out of what you said I've been told:

"You havent met the right person yet"
"If your asexual then there must be something chemically wrong with you then".

Then I get things like:
"You don't know if you like sucking a dick until you suck a dick"
"Maybe if you try having sex you might like it"
"Oh does that means you cant feel attracted to people"

It goes on. I mostly forget people saying this since the conversations rarely come up and people say this when first learning of asexuality. Most people just move on and forget about it because they don't understand it or they don't care.

 

[randompasserby]

Thank you this was informative.

There was a time I co-opted the term when I was younger when I was pestered about relationships too since I didn't know better and it's an easy cop out atm. My sincere apologies for contributing to the problem.

 

[Alwayscrazybacon]

Great topic.

 

[finalflame]

But really, good thread OP. It seems asexuality has a relatively low level of understanding and I know I've personally not been exposed to it, so it's good to hear perspectives on what this is like.

 

[texhnolyze]

Everyone in my life most probably have no idea what asexuality is. And I'm not comfortable in discussing it with anyone, out of fear.

 

[TaySan]

As someone who was ignorant of Asexuality I appreciate this thread. Thank you again for making and giving us knowledge :)

 

[milkyway]

I had a therapist I thought was nice but they did not get and definitely wanted to convince me that my asexual realization was wrong and that "I just need to find the right person" so yea that kind of sucked but I understand it's a hard thing for people to wrap their head around because sex is such a universal pleasure. I think maybe the best way to explain asexual is that sexual activity is inessential - it may be some degree of pleasurable, but not to the intensity of what a normal person would feel and usually only in a certain context. It is in fact possible! I can attest to having normal hormonal levels and, for the most part, no particular reason to shy away from sexual activity. Unfortunately I am not also aromantic so this is not really a good combination lol.

 

[Xaszatm]

I get enough bullshit admitting my sex drive isn't always running at a "peak high" ("Whaaat but sex is amazing! You just haven't been with the right per--" uuugh no) .
We talk and sell the idea of sex so much people get almost freaked out that others can be different or simply werent born the same... Not sure why it's so hard to accept there are all kinds of peoples with all kinds of preferences....

Xaszatm thanks for making these sorta PSA posts, I honestly think they're concise and a great read for those who legitimately have questions or are just not around folk to tell them about these things...
It's great you can break folks outta their shells

Click to shrink...

Funnily enough my initial thread title was going to be Asexuality and Discrimination in a Sex-Obsessed Society but I felt that might bring other weird discussion to the topic.

 

[Conkersbadfurday]

Holidays are always fun when your relatives are like "SO WHERE IS YOUR GIRLFRIEND?" and it's like the same every year. Don't have one. Don't want one.

"OH YOU HAVENT FOUND THE RIGHT PERSON YET"

Naw, I'm good. Getting a kitten though!

 

[Nida]

Thank you for educating everyone on this topic.

I'm sorry you have to go through this. Do people not realize saying "You haven't met the right person yet." is like telling a gay man "Oh you haven't met the right woman yet.".

What drives me crazy is even as a straight dude, I can understand the human brain is super complicated and we don't know everything about it. So if you feel a certain way, I'm not going to question it because all brains are different. I just wish others would get that fact.

 

[Scarlet Death]

I really didn't like calling myself demisexual, when I would explain it to (mostly) women with typical libido and sex drive for their age. Explaining to me very typical behaviour for those socialized female, and how they experience sexual attraction.

So like, I would explain that I don't feel sexual attraction. Unless there's a connection. Because for some reason demi is about connection, not like a direct meaning like I'd prefer like pseudosexual/semisexual that convey the same thing demi *should* be conveying, but allosexuals latch onto that 'connection.' Bit and basically tell me, "OH I must be demi too, I have to get to know a guy first too lololol." And it's insulting, but I also have to accept there's a fundamental disconnect between those who experience and those who don't and those who sometimes-- explaining the nuance is usually an exercise in futility because most people will dig deep to try to find something to relate with, when they are like the opposite of me. Allosexuals trying to appropriate demisexual erases the nuanced asexual spectrum experience.

Most of my support network is on facebook, and I joined a bunch of those leftbook groups. And like there's this huge debate over exclusion or inclusion. They say that asexuals aren't queer. They tell us we don't experience oppression, marginalization, stigmatization, or discrimination all the while functionally engaging in perpetuating all that stuff they don't believe we experience! Like bottom line full stop: Heterosexual/aromantic and Heteroromantic/asexual. I'm sorry they appear to be straight to you, and you feel like their existence invalidates your struggle. But they are still asexual. The straight privilege you claim they have doesn't exist because they are still ace. I wish there was more written material about how Queer Platonic Partnerships work because hetaces would still face tons of discrimination and difficulty trying to date other allosexuals considering there are inherent needs generally that would not be met thru being ace.

That and when allosexuals don't like that label. I mean, it's the same bullshit with cis and trans. We have words. To communicate one or the other. I'm not sure how the autistic community feels about the asexual community stealing allo as a prefix in relation to autism/allism. In some european communities they call them Zedsexual. Cause like A to Z?

I've spent the last three years helping aces find support and validation. I've cried at their stories about their abusive families and how they treat these minors for being asexual. I've talked to aces of all kinds, and like...when an asexual conversation pops up: "Oh they just don't have sex haha, that's cool, i don't get how anyone could hate that." That stems from a toxic, almost abusive line of thought and it's harmful. We don't feel sexual attraction, it doesn't mean we can't have sex, be into kink, make dirty jokes, fap, watch adult videos, etc etc etc. I'm tired of being treated like it's as simple as not having sex.

We have terms like cupio, aego, lith, fray, demi, quoi, gray, etc to define some of the gray areas between the stereotype of the cold rigid, no sex, no nothing ever stuff and the gray area. But when we go public with them, get told that they are 'made up.'

Honestly, I do not enjoy being ace. I feel other kinds of attraction. I have certain needs. But I don't feel sexual attraction, so it makes trying to get any of my needs met difficult because I'm too indifferent to attempt to become close to someone. Rather, I've accepted that I'm asexual. I spent most of my life performing allosexual cisgender, so maybe have some trauma to work though. At present, it is more difficult for me to be ace than just lie and then create asexual-inspired boundaries once we get intimate. But I can't lie about who I am. I would really like for the conversation about asexuality to pay attention to the fact it's on a spectrum, and it's not as simple as you like to think it is so you can process it.

I want to get to a point where I can just say I'm ace, or asexual and people realize that asexuality is not a monolith. and that it's on a spectrum. Being pre-judged as harmless is insulting, honestly. And it's harmful. So uh yeah, there- I talked about some discrimination. Huzzah

 

[GraphicViolets]

I just saw this on Twitter recently

https://twitter.com/AutumnOpossum/status/1199819973503275009?s=20

"Asexual respondents are the most likely (10%) [out of cisgender respondents to have undergone or been offered conversion therapy]"

Source https://assets.publishing.service.g...a/file/721704/LGBT-survey-research-report.pdf

 

[Fanto]

I'm on mobile right now and cant really give a full reply at the moment, but as someone who is currently figuring this stuff out for myself and realizing I am somewhere in the asexual spectrum, I appreciate this thread. It has been hard for me to figure out why/how I was different from my peers in regards to sexuality, and a lot of it is related to the things you bring up here, it's hard to come to terms with this stuff when everyone is trying to tell you theres something wrong with you.

 

[Lightning Count]

I was so happy to see asexuality positively represented in The Outer Worlds with Parvati's character, they even mention the discrimination factor.

 

[Rotkehle]

Is this maybe the same kind of understanding problem like depression? In my experience it is missing knowledge That leads to discrimination? I can't speak about asexuality but before my wife hat a major depression I was part of the crowd who would say that this person just has Get their shit in order. What of course is bullshit and I do know. But before I had contact with a person with depression I was not able to grasp the reach of this problem.

The lack of Education Could be the same root for the Problem of understanding asexuals. As a very sexual person I would not understand asexuality as a concept without further education. That does not help if the person who has to learn is ignorant.

I've strong atopic dermatitis and always get told that I just have to stop scratching. Those people often can't understand what this is about and that this is not a choice.

I Hope it's clear what I want to say.

 

[Kyuuji]

Another good thread Xaszatm.
Adding these from an earlier thread for people who might not be aware.

A 2017 LGBT survey conducted by the Government of the United Kingdom found that, although only two per cent of its more than 108,000 respondents were asexual, they have the joint-lowest (with pansexuals) average life satisfaction of any sexual orientation among cisgender respondents, that asexuals are the least comfortable LGBT group in the United Kingdom (among cisgender respondents), and 89 per cent (the highest percentage of any group surveyed) of cisgender asexual respondents were reluctant to be open for fear of negative reactions

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Having emerged more recently as an identity, asexual people often have less legal protection than gay, lesbian, and bisexual people, although in New York, the Sexual Orientation Non-Discrimination Act categorises asexuals as a protected class

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A 2015 survey found that 43.5 per cent of the almost 8000 asexual people polled had encountered sexual violence. There is a misconception that asexual people are never in sexual situations and therefore cannot be sexually assaulted.

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https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Discrimination_against_asexual_people

 

[astro]

My girlfriend was asexual for her entire life up until around 8 years ago when she developed sexual desire. She still doesn't experience desire the same way as most do, and she has consistently come up against responses from people that take her own as some kind of insult or lack.

It's a frustrating thing to hear about.

 

[Hirok2099]

I don't think people realize how sex plays an important roles in romance and relationships. Even the option to not have sex plays into it. What people don't understand is that asexuality is a spectrum and while people like me are also not interested in romantic interaction, asexuality doesn't necessary preclude romantic interest. Early on before I realized I was aromantic as well as asexual, my lack of a sexual drive was discriminated against. There were those who believed I was lying to them that I cared for them or that I didn't truly love them because of my lack for sexual interest.

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I hope this doesn't come out the wrong way, I'm legitimately curious.
How does someone asexual pursue and establish a relationship with a person who does desire physical intimacy/pleasure? Is the asexual partner supposed to just I don't know to satisfy the other every once in a while or is the other partner supposed to forgo intimacy in order to stay with the asexual person? Are open relationships the normal in those kinds of partnerships?
Until today I used to wrongly believe asexual always meant aromantic.

 

[Spykupp]

I hope this doesn't come out the wrong way, I'm legitimately curious.
How does someone asexual pursue and establish a relationship with a person who does desire physical intimacy/pleasure? Is the asexual partner supposed to just I don't know to satisfy the other every once in a while or is the other partner supposed to forgo intimacy in order to stay with the asexual person? Are open relationships the normal in those kinds of partnerships?
Until today I used to wrongly believe asexual always meant aromantic.

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As someone who is a hetero-romantic asexual, dating and relationships has been near impossible so far. To me you can have intimacy with another person without sex. But most people I meet the lack of sex in a relationship is an instant dealbreaker.

 

[Omegamon]

I just saw this on Twitter recently

https://twitter.com/AutumnOpossum/status/1199819973503275009?s=20

"Asexual respondents are the most likely (10%) [out of cisgender respondents to have undergone or been offered conversion therapy]"

Source https://assets.publishing.service.g...a/file/721704/LGBT-survey-research-report.pdf

Click to shrink...

More than lesbians? More than gay men? Is this USA centric?

 

[GraphicViolets]

More than lesbians? More than gay men? Is this USA centric?

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it's a survey done in the UK. And yes more than either of those groups. You can look through the full report if you want to know more

 

[Deleted member 431]

Question here. Trying to be as respectful as I can.

One of my friends dated a guy who was asexual and she said they had sexual intercourse together a few times a week. She said he did it because it felt good. I understand that part, but how could one have sex without being sexually attracted to someone? In terms of arousal and what not. One has to be "in the mood" for sex, after all.

 

[Kyuuji]

More than lesbians? More than gay men? Is this USA centric?

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UK

 

[Omegamon]

it's a survey done in the UK. And yes more than either of those groups. You can look through the full report if you want to know more

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Still from one country.

 

[GraphicViolets]

Question here. Trying to be as respectful as I can.

One of my friends dated a guy who was asexual and she said they had sexual intercourse together a few times a week. She said he did it because it felt good. I understand that part, but how could one have sex without being sexually attracted to someone? In terms of arousal and what not. One has to be "in the mood" for sex, after all.

Click to shrink...

You can be in the mood without feeling sexual attraction to people. Or get yourself in the mood. Sometimes it's just random and sometimes it's situational but it doesn't necessarily require you to feel sexual attraction towards people in order to feel arousal.

 

[GraphicViolets]

Still from one country.

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I didn't mean to imply otherwise

 

[Kyuuji]

Question here. Trying to be as respectful as I can.

One of my friends dated a guy who was asexual and she said they had sexual intercourse together a few times a week. She said he did it because it felt good. I understand that part, but how could one have sex without being sexually attracted to someone? In terms of arousal and what not. One has to be "in the mood" for sex, after all.

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Question/answers from an earlier thread might provide more insight to boot.

Q:

Ignorant question here but how or who do they have sex with if they aren't sexually attracted to anyone? Is it sex based on romantic attraction?

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A:

Great question (i think. i'm only saying it because this is my favorite to answer.)

Ace/aro relationships can be quite a bit different than others. While we feel no inner desire to physically copulate with someone generally speaking as a rule of thumb, aces are not beyond developing feelings for people who do have sexual attraction. Could just want to make their partner happy. Could be like me where I'm sex indifferent to the point allosexuals say i'm not sexual enough and asexuals say i'm too sexual. Idunno. I'm reading all these memes in a subreddit about how aces deal with no nut november smiling at like the aces who do masturbate versus the ones who don't. Aces can still feel libido, and still benefit from the chemicals produced by engaging in interpersonal genital relations to finality. I fucking love oxytocin and endorphins but the second dirty talk happens I'm just uncomfortable. We find our ways to listen to the signals our brain sends all the while not feeling attracted to people sexually.

There are also more than just two attractions. You might run into an ace that says they only experience aesthetic attraction and want platonic partners but are OK with [list of things ranging from holding hands to kink]

Aesthetic, platonic, sensual, hypothetical. Platonic because like QPPS/queer platonic partnerships. Having consistency does not equate romance :P Sensual for some of the aces who really just want to convey who they might like to cuddle with or even can be used to describe who they have sex with if the asexual person chooses to divorce sexual attraction from sexual activity. RIp sex-repulsed people I suppose. Hypothetical is for those gray areas for prefixes like ficto-, aego, or cupio- that are various ways of expressing you may desire sex with a person or feel sexual attraction hypothetically but not want to have sex. or like a fictional character you're fantasizing about. which is kind of aego as well. I don't do well at separating those three, research further if you'd like.


And finally there's is a suffix called -alterous that is kind of a vague way saying that the attraction your experiencing is neither sexual or romantic.

So for instead I am gray asexual/ asexual spectrum/demisexual. Whichever one makes more sense at the moment. And I'm a transwoman, attracted to other women/enby fems/voidfems/transfemininie ballpark types of people I'd say homoalterous. or homosensual. Or I could say I'm just a "Gray Lesbian" but that is a stressful choice to say out loud sometimes lol. Or perhaps I'm choosing to distance myself from the lesbian community I can just say like, I"m a Gray Sapphic. Demi sapphic. Stuff like that.

Unfortunately for myself and others, asexuals are using relationship terminology traditionally used in allosexual/alloromantic relationships so words can be tricky right there.

Some of the common follow up questions are usually, "Wait so if you don't feelany which way about it why are you doing it? It's like eating the porridge not to your temperature." Our brains still suffer from insecurities as well and I'd be damned if i haven't felt like I needed validation and attention through intercourse before. It did not satisfy on some deep emotional level or anything. Sexual stuff is everywhere, many of us are raised as if sexual attraction is just part of the default. For instance when i was in high school my parents wanted me to throw away my copy of Final Fantasy VIII because Rinoa's top was too risque. I look at it and all the others games they deemed too sex one random day just to end being confused because 'how is any of this sexual?" which is hopefully comming for people in regards to video games characters in general, but that sort of behaviour translates to the rest too.

We are physically capable performing the act. We are mentally capable of performing the gymanistics involved in compromising for a partner. We're lacking something thatthe rest of the world takes for granted that we have to deal with seeing almost everywhere, it can be very stressful. But aces, eh, we are just as versatile and valid as anyone else

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No problem. Ignorance is fine if you can acknowledge it :)

The basic answer to your question is that ace people who have sex do so because, well, sex is pleasurable to them. The primary difference is that unlike non-asexual people aces don't desire sex due to the person themselves but due to the feelings and emotions that the act of sex brings. To a sex-favourable asexual person sex is just another activity that they might want to do in the same way having a nice meal or watching a good movie would be.

As for how, the simple reason is that being ace doesn't mean one doesn't have a libido nor does it mean their "parts don't work." You can be ace even if you're horny all the time and you can be ace if you're never horny; the only connecting factor is the lack of directed attraction towards other people/persons.

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https://www.resetera.com/threads/fuck-acephobes.153939/

 

[Deleted member 431]

You can be in the mood without feeling sexual attraction to people. Or get yourself in the mood. Sometimes it's just random and sometimes it's situational but it doesn't necessarily require you to feel sexual attraction towards people in order to feel arousal.

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Question/answers from an earlier thread might provide more insight to boot.

Q:


A:

https://www.resetera.com/threads/fuck-acephobes.153939/

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Cheers! Thanks a bunch.

The bolded specifically makes a lot of sense.

 

[Gundam]

One has to be "in the mood" for sex, after all.

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I am not asexual, but from my experience you absolutely do not.

 

[Scarlet Death]

What if I told you I wanted sex because I'm autistic and I like the stimming? And that my special interest was learning about sensations, erogenous zones, and how to be attentive and commuicative to be a good partner. I could straight up be like, "Yes I would like to have sex." Your first thought wouldn't be "that's an asexual." But I don't feel sexual attraction. It's called cupiosexual, and it's part of the asexual umbrella. Not feeling sexual attraction makes it really hard to actually do any of those things, but I also don't mind because I don't feel a constant nag about it and also like who would i even ask? I'm not attracted to anyone I know lmao.

 

[Aphexian]

I'm an allosexual married to an asexual person that saved me from becoming an incel shit head, ask me anything

 

[Aphexian]

One has to be "in the mood" for sex, after all.

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There are plenty of times where I was able to finish without originally being 'in the mood'. It's all about stimulation of certain areas and brain chemicals being released for me in those situations.

 

[Scarlet Death]

I'm an allosexual married to an asexual person that saved me from becoming an incel shit head, ask me anything

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are you making fun of my post?

 

[Deleted member 203]

I'm an allosexual married to an asexual person that saved me from becoming an incel shit head, ask me anything

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yeah hi question: would care to elaborate? this sounds really interesting, in a "I'm just really curious" sort of way! What's the relationship like? How do you negotiate each others' sexual desires (or lack thereof)? Why were you on the way to becoming an incel and how did your spouse "save" you?

Of course you don't have to answer, but I'm really curious if you wouldn't mind sharing.

 

[FeistyBoots]

I really didn't like calling myself demisexual, when I would explain it to (mostly) women with typical libido and sex drive for their age. Explaining to me very typical behaviour for those socialized female, and how they experience sexual attraction.

So like, I would explain that I don't feel sexual attraction. Unless there's a connection. Because for some reason demi is about connection, not like a direct meaning like I'd prefer like pseudosexual/semisexual that convey the same thing demi *should* be conveying, but allosexuals latch onto that 'connection.' Bit and basically tell me, "OH I must be demi too, I have to get to know a guy first too lololol." And it's insulting, but I also have to accept there's a fundamental disconnect between those who experience and those who don't and those who sometimes-- explaining the nuance is usually an exercise in futility because most people will dig deep to try to find something to relate with, when they are like the opposite of me. Allosexuals trying to appropriate demisexual erases the nuanced asexual spectrum experience.

Most of my support network is on facebook, and I joined a bunch of those leftbook groups. And like there's this huge debate over exclusion or inclusion. They say that asexuals aren't queer. They tell us we don't experience oppression, marginalization, stigmatization, or discrimination all the while functionally engaging in perpetuating all that stuff they don't believe we experience! Like bottom line full stop: Heterosexual/aromantic and Heteroromantic/asexual. I'm sorry they appear to be straight to you, and you feel like their existence invalidates your struggle. But they are still asexual. The straight privilege you claim they have doesn't exist because they are still ace. I wish there was more written material about how Queer Platonic Partnerships work because hetaces would still face tons of discrimination and difficulty trying to date other allosexuals considering there are inherent needs generally that would not be met thru being ace.

That and when allosexuals don't like that label. I mean, it's the same bullshit with cis and trans. We have words. To communicate one or the other. I'm not sure how the autistic community feels about the asexual community stealing allo as a prefix in relation to autism/allism. In some european communities they call them Zedsexual. Cause like A to Z?

I've spent the last three years helping aces find support and validation. I've cried at their stories about their abusive families and how they treat these minors for being asexual. I've talked to aces of all kinds, and like...when an asexual conversation pops up: "Oh they just don't have sex haha, that's cool, i don't get how anyone could hate that." That stems from a toxic, almost abusive line of thought and it's harmful. We don't feel sexual attraction, it doesn't mean we can't have sex, be into kink, make dirty jokes, fap, watch adult videos, etc etc etc. I'm tired of being treated like it's as simple as not having sex.

We have terms like cupio, aego, lith, fray, demi, quoi, gray, etc to define some of the gray areas between the stereotype of the cold rigid, no sex, no nothing ever stuff and the gray area. But when we go public with them, get told that they are 'made up.'

Honestly, I do not enjoy being ace. I feel other kinds of attraction. I have certain needs. But I don't feel sexual attraction, so it makes trying to get any of my needs met difficult because I'm too indifferent to attempt to become close to someone. Rather, I've accepted that I'm asexual. I spent most of my life performing allosexual cisgender, so maybe have some trauma to work though. At present, it is more difficult for me to be ace than just lie and then create asexual-inspired boundaries once we get intimate. But I can't lie about who I am. I would really like for the conversation about asexuality to pay attention to the fact it's on a spectrum, and it's not as simple as you like to think it is so you can process it.

I want to get to a point where I can just say I'm ace, or asexual and people realize that asexuality is not a monolith. and that it's on a spectrum. Being pre-judged as harmless is insulting, honestly. And it's harmful. So uh yeah, there- I talked about some discrimination. Huzzah

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I feel you on this - the amount of pushback I get for referring to myself as a demipansexual lesbian (because I'm capable of being sexually attracted to any gender, but *only* if I have an emotional connection with the person, yet I'm only romantically attracted to other feminine-identified people) is exhausting.

 

[Deleted member 21411]

My personal failure is that i keep thinking i fully understand and i don't and there's a lot of me making the same mistakes repeatedly. There is someone very close to me who identifies as asexual and even as recent as last month i continued to mistake what asexual means with them on that spectrum. Asexual people deserve better and deserve to be heard and understood.

 

[Aphexian]

are you making fun of my post?

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No, this is legit just popping in to ask questions if people are curious

 

[Aphexian]

yeah hi question: would care to elaborate? this sounds really interesting, in a "I'm just really curious" sort of way! What's the relationship like? How do you negotiate each others' sexual desires (or lack thereof)? Why were you on the way to becoming an incel and how did your spouse "save" you?

Of course you don't have to answer, but I'm really curious if you wouldn't mind sharing.

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1. would care to elaborate?

Sure, I'm allosexual with a fairly normal-to-high sex drive. My partner who is asexual and I have been together for 16 years, 7 years dating and 10 years married.

2. What's the relationship like?

I feel that it's extremely strong and we're very close to each other.

We still have bad days, everyone does and will. There are a lot of people out there that don't get past their first fight because they have a fairy-tale unrealistic view of relationships in that they'll always agree on everything and never have any arguments ever. That just doesn't happen. My ex was like that and they never had a relationship that lasted more than 9 months until they got married (which surprised me) for two years and got divorced (didn't surprise me). As soon as that "NEW RELATIONSHIP!" vibe died down they felt like things were over because they were just running around on that's what love was and it should always feel like that all the time.

3. How do you negotiate each others' sexual desires (or lack thereof)?

TONS of communication that goes back and forth and keeping an open mind about each other's needs/desires or non-needs/desires. I cannot stress this enough for pretty much anyone else in a relationship regardless of orientation: PEOPLE NEED TO TALK TO EACH OTHER ABOUT HOW THEY FEEL AND PEOPLE NEED TO LISTEN TO WHAT THEIR PARTNERS HAVE TO SAY AND TRY TO UNDERSTAND.

I've seen so many relationships fall completely apart because the people in the relationship just won't talk to each other and it baffles me. If you have a problem, just talk about it! Don't do petty ass things because the other person doesn't pick up on your subtle queues. They and you are not mind readers, they don't know what you're thinking at any given moment so talk about things is something doesn't feel right.

They understand that I have needs and desires of a sexual nature, and I understand that they're really not into it. They'll still do stuff with me, but I know it's mostly a one-way street. I struggled with that a lot when I was younger because I really wanted that emotional connection through sex and it wasn't there which leads to...

4. Why were you on the way to becoming an incel and how did your spouse "save" you?

I was a really shitty hormone driven teenager that got pushed into sexual things by other people at a young age and wound up doing the same thing with my current partner. I'm not proud of it by any means and I use it as a constant reminder to myself to be a better person for my partner. They didn't know they were asexual at the time, they just thought something was different/wrong with them. Me being the stupid horny teenager that I was just wanted to fuck at all costs. Like I said, not proud of it. I was completely that person that felt that sex was owed to me and that sex was the endgame goal of any relationship and it just made me a complete asshole. It doesn't help that my parents have their own messed up love-less relationship (they really should just get divorced) and that was pretty much the only thing I was exposed to so I figured that's just how it was. I really resented people that were happy in their relationships and talked about how much sex they were having all the time because that wasn't my case. Looking back on it I believe that my untreated ADHD certainly had a hand in things because it was looking for that dopamine. Like I needed sex or sexual release DAILY, and I know that was really tough for them to deal with and sometimes I still honestly don't know how they put up with my ass.

EVENTUALLY, I figured out how to calm that down and just really take a step back and look at what a relationship means. Society/toxic masculinity teaches us that relationships lead to sex, the only reason to BE in a relationship is to have sex; sex is the ultimate goal and if you aren't having sex you're a loser because no one likes/loves you.

 

[Scarlet Death]

No, this is legit just popping in to ask questions if people are curious

Click to shrink...

oh haha.

I had hunches I was asexual while I was married, but didn't know enough about it to say that about myself until much later. I had a high sex drive. So like perhaps opposite situations?

 

[Deleted member 203]

1. would care to elaborate?

Sure, I'm allosexual with a fairly normal-to-high sex drive. My partner who is asexual and I have been together for 16 years, 7 years dating and 10 years married.

2. What's the relationship like?

I feel that it's extremely strong and we're very close to each other.

We still have bad days, everyone does and will. There are a lot of people out there that don't get past their first fight because they have a fairy-tale unrealistic view of relationships in that they'll always agree on everything and never have any arguments ever. That just doesn't happen. My ex was like that and they never had a relationship that lasted more than 9 months until they got married (which surprised me) for two years and got divorced (didn't surprise me). As soon as that "NEW RELATIONSHIP!" vibe died down they felt like things were over because they were just running around on that's what love was and it should always feel like that all the time.

3. How do you negotiate each others' sexual desires (or lack thereof)?

TONS of communication that goes back and forth and keeping an open mind about each other's needs/desires or non-needs/desires. I cannot stress this enough for pretty much anyone else in a relationship regardless of orientation: PEOPLE NEED TO TALK TO EACH OTHER ABOUT HOW THEY FEEL AND PEOPLE NEED TO LISTEN TO WHAT THEIR PARTNERS HAVE TO SAY AND TRY TO UNDERSTAND.

I've seen so many relationships fall completely apart because the people in the relationship just won't talk to each other and it baffles me. If you have a problem, just talk about it! Don't do petty ass things because the other person doesn't pick up on your subtle queues. They and you are not mind readers, they don't know what you're thinking at any given moment so talk about things is something doesn't feel right.

They understand that I have needs and desires of a sexual nature, and I understand that they're really not into it. They'll still do stuff with me, but I know it's mostly a one-way street. I struggled with that a lot when I was younger because I really wanted that emotional connection through sex and it wasn't there which leads to...

4. Why were you on the way to becoming an incel and how did your spouse "save" you?

I was a really shitty hormone driven teenager that got pushed into sexual things by other people at a young age and wound up doing the same thing with my current partner. I'm not proud of it by any means and I use it as a constant reminder to myself to be a better person for my partner. They didn't know they were asexual at the time, they just thought something was different/wrong with them. Me being the stupid horny teenager that I was just wanted to fuck at all costs. Like I said, not proud of it. I was completely that person that felt that sex was owed to me and that sex was the endgame goal of any relationship and it just made me a complete asshole. It doesn't help that my parents have their own messed up love-less relationship (they really should just get divorced) and that was pretty much the only thing I was exposed to so I figured that's just how it was. I really resented people that were happy in their relationships and talked about how much sex they were having all the time because that wasn't my case. Looking back on it I believe that my untreated ADHD certainly had a hand in things because it was looking for that dopamine. Like I needed sex or sexual release DAILY, and I know that was really tough for them to deal with and sometimes I still honestly don't know how they put up with my ass.

EVENTUALLY, I figured out how to calm that down and just really take a step back and look at what a relationship means. Society/toxic masculinity teaches us that relationships lead to sex, the only reason to BE in a relationship is to have sex; sex is the ultimate goal and if you aren't having sex you're a loser because no one likes/loves you.

Click to shrink...

wow, thank you for the response! I definitely agree on the communication part and I try to talk about absolutely everything with my partner because i hate bottling up feelings on either side, it just leads to resentment.