Being too withdrawn is not attractive

[fireflame]

I am followed by a special unemployment center for people with disability. I trust them enough to talk with them and they told me to practice singing theater because being too withdrawn is not attractive and lowers chance to meet a s/o

I insisted that my priority was to find a job, they told me it was not incompatible, but I feel frustrated becauei have the feeling i was not understood. Iam forcing myself to smile because they think it isbetter to smile to find a job, which i can understand, but I have the feeling to be pushed into becoming something I am not. I am confused because i see people who are confident and what people would call socialy integrated, open, but end up being very bad sentimental partners.
I know that a person can change, though there are things about yourselft that cannot change, buti am feeling pushed in a direction iI did not chose.

During a service provided by the employment center, the person tried to give me more confidence, end to provoke reactions from me. For example asking me if I was frigid, to see if I would react by protesting.He kind of gained my trust and I believed I would be helped in priority in finding a job.

Suring the transitional assessment, there were three people and I somehow felt tricked and confused. I was expecting them to talk me about finding a job, since previous traings i had followed were about jobs..

I feel the acceptable or expected reaction <would be to do that they ask, but at the same time I am feeling helpless.

 

[Amory]

... Why is an unemployment center talking to you about your dating life? Or am I misunderstanding

 

[Medalion]

As a shy/introvert type adult in the workforce... I know this unfortunately all too well.

 

[Dynamite Shikoku]

What a weird unemployment center

 

[TheBeardedOne]

I've started to learn that. People tend to avoid me because of it, and only a select few put the effort in anymore. I try, but it's getting harder to relate or be as social as I was when I was younger (and even then I wasn't exactly jovial). It makes job interviews tough.

 

[fireflame]

... Why is an unemployment center talking to you about your dating life? Or am I misunderstanding

Click to shrink...

Yes that is not expected and I did not expected it at all, people with psychological disability follow specific services, but i Was not expecting them to take this into consideration this much.

 

[Brinbe]

What bullshit on their end. Seriously. There's nothing with being introverted or withdrawn a bit. That really sucks to go through and they shouldn't be trying to do that to you at all.

I'd go elsewhere, if I could, but that's my opinion. Because they don't seem very helpful at all.

 

[ShyMel]

... Why is an unemployment center talking to you about your dating life? Or am I misunderstanding

Click to shrink...

I might have misinterpreted the OP, but I read it as he talks to the employees there about matters other than jobs as he trusts them. Someone suggested singing theater as a way to not be so withdrawn.

 

[fireflame]

I might have misinterpreted the OP, but I read it as he talks to the employees there about matters other than jobs as he trusts them. Someone suggested singing theater as a way to not be so withdrawn.

Click to shrink...

The place is primarily about Employment, it is called Cap Emploi, an organism primarily made to help people with different disabilities to help themm find a job, so psychology plays a part yes.

 

[MrKlaw]

Now - I can understand them being worried you're too introverted. But suggesting singing theater? That seems very extreme in the other direction and I'd imagine it'd be really uncomfortable?

 

[Rembrandt]

I'm sorry OP, I've read this a few times and still don't know why you were feeling tricked or confused.

I follow along until:

Suring the transitional assessment, there were three people and I somehow felt tricked and confused. I was expecting them to talk me about finding a job, since previous traings i had followed were about jobs..

I feel the acceptable or expected reaction <would be to do that they ask, but at the same time I am feeling helpless.

Click to shrink...

 

[fireflame]

I'm sorry OP, I've read this a few times and still don't know why you were feeling tricked or confused.

I follow along until:

Click to shrink...

During the transitional assessment, there was a summary made about what hapened during last months. I forced myself to smile since one of the issues mentioned previously was iI was not smiling enough. I was expecting the summary to be mainly about the next steps to find a job, attend a specific training,etc. What I meant by tricked is I felt pressured by three people at the same time in the room about something that was not initially planned.

 

[Lone Cactus Motel]

I've gone through several so-called "reintegration programmes" due to a disability of my own, and yeah, they often try to meddle with your personal life.
Though the goal is to find a job, they want to reintegrate people in society, which also means improving your relations, communication and other bad habits. Perhaps OP said or did something that made them believe he's missing social contact. Or maybe it's just them finding that important, so they try to force it on you. Some of these organisations attempt to break a person down entirely, and then rebuild them as they see fit. That may sound a bit extreme, but it's my experience. You have to stay alert, and make sure you don't do things you don't want.

My best advice would be to just tell the truth. Tell the person(s) guiding you that you're uncomfortable with this meddling with your personal life. That you're perfectly content being the way you are, and that you'd prefer them to help you find a job, and not much else. They will probably listen. And if not, just ignore the advice they give you on this topic.

 

[Chopchop]

Do they mean making you more attractive in terms of dating or more attractive in terms of finding a job? Because if you went to an unemployment center and they told you that you should be more attractive in terms of dating, then I don't see why that's supposed to help you find a job. If they're talking about your prospects for finding a job, it makes more sense.

I'm also pretty withdrawn, and I found that being honest about it in itself made for decent socializing, or at least was better than being withdrawn and refusing to talk much. Being honest about myself became an avenue through which I could talk, rather than trying to pretend that I'm someone I'm not, if that makes sense.

So if someone asked me how my weekend was, I would just tell them that I stayed home and rested because I'm not really the type that likes to go out that much, and usually people understand. When people ask me what kind of person I am in job interviews, I tell them that I'm the quiet type who would never be the life of the party, but has some niche interests in things like video games, and could probably talk at length with people who share those interests. All of these things are me answering honestly about myself, but said in a casual, conversational tone, and I think it comes across better than trying to avoid or escape conversation altogether. Even if the person you're talking to doesn't share your interests, they still respect that you talked to them about yourself, which is good for looking less withdrawn. It also makes you look comfortable with who you are, which is a big thing in job interviews.

 

[fundogmo]

Now - I can understand them being worried you're too introverted. But suggesting singing theater? That seems very extreme in the other direction and I'd imagine it'd be really uncomfortable?

Click to shrink...

Singing theater or taking an improv class is like jumping into the deep end of a pool - it'll force you to open up very quickly, albeit with some discomfort.

OP - I can't speak for everyone, but as an extreme introvert, making my way through life involves putting on a series of subtle personas. To some degree, how I behave and present myself is different person around my close friends, to my parents, in my professional environment in front of clients or customers, and in a professional environment among just co-workers. When I used to work temp jobs and had to receive a million phone calls a day at a receptionist desk (speaking on the phone is my worst fear), I'd muster up courage by telling myself to pretend I was someone confident with talking on the phone.

You do NEED to make an effort to be more personable to excel in just about any job, other than truck driver or data entry. The crucial detail is that the "you" that goes out of your way to smile during a job interview is still the genuine "you", but just spending a little more emotional effort on presentation -- no different than making sure you're properly groomed before coming into the office that day.

 

[Rembrandt]

During the transitional assessment, there was a summary made about what hapened during last months. I forced myself to smile since one of the issues mentioned previously was iI was not smiling enough. I was expecting the summary to be mainly about the next steps to find a job, attend a specific training,etc. What I meant by tricked is I felt pressured by three people at the same time in the room about something that was not initially planned.

Click to shrink...

Oh, I can definitely see that being disappointing. You may want to bring your concerns up with them. If they're trying to get you to be more open and outgoing, it may be something you need to work on a little bit.

If you feel they're overstepping, let them know. But also be open to taking some of their advice.

Glad to hear that you made yourself smile regardless, though. Smiling more makes you more approachable.

Theater is, imo, a step too far too fast.

 

[fireflame]

Do they mean making you more attractive in terms of dating or more attractive in terms of finding a job? Because if you went to an unemployment center and they told you that you should be more attractive in terms of dating, then I don't see why that's supposed to help you find a job. If they're talking about your prospects for finding a job, it makes more sense.

I'm also pretty withdrawn, and I found that being honest about it in itself made for decent socializing, or at least was better than being withdrawn and refusing to talk much. Being honest about myself became an avenue through which I could talk, rather than trying to pretend that I'm someone I'm not, if that makes sense.

So if someone asked me how my weekend was, I would just tell them that I stayed home and rested because I'm not really the type that likes to go out that much, and usually people understand. When people ask me what kind of person I am in job interviews, I tell them that I'm the quiet type who would never be the life of the party, but has some niche interests in things like video games, and could probably talk at length with people who share those interests. All of these things are me answering honestly about myself, but said in a casual, conversational tone, and I think it comes across better than trying to avoid or escape conversation altogether. Even if the person you're talking to doesn't share your interests, they still respect that you talked to them about yourself, which is good for looking less withdrawn. It also makes you look comfortable with who you are, which is a big thing in job interviews.

Click to shrink...

Both for dating and finding a job, they sort of said that it "came together".At the very beginning they found my face was lacking expressivity and I was not smiling naturally. I think they assume it would help in both areas but I am not sure. Other people who are followed talked with me and are followed at the same employment center, and received similar advices.

 

[Steeped in a Sea of Games]

The truth is, people are fairly self-centered and if you aren't the type of person to push into another's boundaries just a little bit most will be content to never pay much attention to you. You may be a fine person who has something to offer someone, but if you can't give anyone a reason to try and put an investment into a relationship with you, platonic or not, they just won't bother.

This is true for any relationship be it a professional one or romantic. They're trying to teach you to put yourself out there, even if only for awhile so you can build relationships. It's actually fine to be more withdrawn if you already have enough connections, but being withdrawn makes making new ones nearly impossible.

 

[ISWThunder]

If you feel like they've overstepped some boundaries, you should bring it up. Perhaps it's not the best place for you to find help.

But it's not terrible advice, in general, although perhaps too specific in its request. Being extroverted is seen largely as a positive by both hiring managers and dates. That doesnt mean there is anything wrong with being introverted, but if you are struggling to find work or a SO then it could be a major hinderance.

I think the best thing to do is ask yourself why this request makes you uncomfortable. Is it because they stepped over a boundary that they shouldn't have or is it because the idea of opening up is scary? If it's the first part, then look for help somewhere else. If it's the second, then opening yourself up to more social situations may be a very good idea.

 

[Uncle at Nintendo]

Being an introvert is fucking hell.

 

[jacket]

Being an introvert is fucking hell.

Click to shrink...

 

[Deleted member 176]

That place sounds awful and forcing yourself to act extroverted when you're not is a great way to become full of horrible anxiety which will keep you from actually opening up to people when you want to.

 

[Venomgxt]

This thread means alot to me. Thanks Op.

 

[Rob]

Yeah, being withdrawn absolutely does more harm than anything. When I worked at an Amazon FC, I'd spend most of my lunches alone. I honestly got the feeling that people hated, or didn't like me.

 

[BobsReset]

The thing is being personable is pretty important to getting jobs so the job centre is right to encourage you to develop those skills

Not so much the singing but more generally - a subset of interviewing skills are just communicative/ people facing skills that can and should be developed because even if you don't want to talk to people - it's still important to know how to do so effectively

In computing roles it isn't unheard of that an employer will pick those who show they are able to communicate over those who are better practical programmers

Both because communication is almost always a more vital part of most roles than technical skill but also because people do generally want to spend the 8 hours of their day with people they enjoy spending time with

You don't have to go from introverted/ withdrawn to do well - you just have to show an ability to 'click' and communicate with others really - being able to communicate/ put people at ease and all of that stuff is more a skill than a personality trait really

 

[dead souls]

Being an introvert is fucking hell.

Click to shrink...

Not to me. I leave people alone and they leave me alone, which is exactly how I want it.

 

[Sanctuary]

Now - I can understand them being worried you're too introverted. But suggesting singing theater? That seems very extreme in the other direction and I'd imagine it'd be really uncomfortable?

Click to shrink...

The world is run by extroverts. Gotta appease them by going out of your way to fit in with everyone else!

Being an introvert is fucking hell.

Click to shrink...

Not really. Think of how much more time you have to yourself to read about video games. When you're not playing them. Anyway, I don't have any issues approaching or being approached by others. I just don't appreciate endless idle chatter or small talk.

 

[Deleted member 33887]

I struggled to find a job for a long time because I was so antisocial. Numerous people beforehand tried to force it upon me and I did not respond particularly well to it. So I understand why you would feel apprehension about it. You don't have to follow their advice to a T, but it would probably be in your best interests to figure out ways to become more social that better match your personality. I know I wouldn't want to be singing in a theater.

 

[Flabber]

OP, I know this isn't an easy question but are you happy with where you are in life right now? Because I know I'm not and honestly I feel like my personality holds me back from getting what I want, and if I need to change then so be it. Changing who you are isn't always a bad thing, this is what personal growth is all about.

For a bit more detail I'm a total introvert, and left to my own devices would gladly sit at home all day every day reading or watching TV or playing video games. But the thing is while these things make me happy moment to moment, over the long term I haven't found them to be especially fulfilling. I used to think my friends were an obligation on my time that took away from more important things I could be doing, but I've grown to realise that having experiences and sharing them with my friends is one of the most fulfilling things I can do.

Sorry if I'm way off the mark here, but this is stuff I've been thinking a lot about lately.

Work is a slightly different matter because unless there's a job you really want to do and have trained for then lots about it is stuff you don't want to do. I don't want to spend my mornings analysing price data but I do do it, and in the interview I tried to do all the things I'd been taught about how to behave in interviews

 

[Muu]

Why singing theater? Toastmasters would be a far more reasonable suggestion, esp if this is looking for a job.

 

[tokkun]

Social skills are just that - skills. Like any skill, it takes practice to get good at it. You shouldn't think "I'm not skilled in social situations because I'm an introvert", you should think "I'm not skilled in social situations because I haven't practiced enough."

I used to be pretty shy and withdrawn myself. Then I got a job as a tutor in college, which required me to have hour-long 1:1 interactions with strangers on a regular basis. Later on I taught some classes, which gave me a lot of practice at public speaking and being the center of attention for a large group. None of this stuff has made me any less of an introvert, but now I have a set of skills that I can turn on when I need to.

 

[Scottius]

I'm far more introvert than extrovert by nature so I can definitely sympathize. Fortunately I get some socialization via my work and from one of my hobbies. Tabletop roleplay has always been enough of a draw to get me out of the house to spend time with friends.

Being an introvert (with a dose of social anxiety on top) certainly makes trying to get into any kind of a relationship a bitch though.

 

[Knight in Shining Armani]

Not to me. I leave people alone and they leave me alone, which is exactly how I want it.

Click to shrink...

I think he/she meant if you want to date/smash someone.

 

[Servbot24]

As an introvert I constantly feel that people don't like me. I don't really know why. People almost seem surprised when they talk to me and it turns out I'm friendly. Just making friends is so daunting because you feel like there's a wall around everyone for the purpose of keeping you away.

 

[Camstun187]

People don't want to work overtime to get someone's attention when there are a billion or so other people in the world.

 

[Deleted member 176]

The world is run by extroverts. Gotta appease them by going out of your way to fit in with everyone else!



Not really. Think of how much more time you have to yourself to read about video games. When you're not playing them. Anyway, I don't have any issues approaching or being approached by others. I just don't appreciate endless idle chatter or small talk.

Click to shrink...

It's hell for people with anxiety because we live in a society that celebrates extrovertism. Just look at what happened to the OP. You end up feeling like theres something wrong with you for being yourself.

 

[Wood Man]

I guess there's people who choose to withdraw because they want the image of looking cool/mysterious. Maybe because their lives are dull and have very little going on.

 

[Sanctuary]

It's hell for people with anxiety because we live in a society that celebrates extrovertism. Just look at what happened to the OP. You end up feeling like theres something wrong with you for being yourself.

Click to shrink...

It's pretty clear that I "get it". After a point however, you have to just stop caring about pleasing everyone else all of the time. The only people that you should ever really worry about pleasing would be yourself, your boss and a significant other. The sentence directly after the "not really" was somewhat facetious anyway.

 

[LOLDSFAN]

Being an introvert is fucking hell.

Click to shrink...

Maybe, but I wouldn't have it any other way.

 

[julia crawford]

To hell with being attractive.

 

[Hoo-doo]

All I can say is learn how to fake it.

I am as introverted as they come, but I have learned to flip a switch and wear a likable, outgoing persona for a while.
It's emotionally exhausting and I invariably have to recuperate by being alone for a while, but this skill has proven absolutely crucial to me.

Besides all that, I don't mind being introverted. It's what makes me me.

 

[Wackamole]

That's how people see it, yes.
The loud extravert people are having a ball.

If it bothers you, do like the person above and fake it till you make it. Don't change too much but let people see and hear more of you. You're probably worth talking to.

 

[Spike Spiegel]

"Being too withdrawn is not attractive"

So? Not everybody cares.

 

[blame space]

I'm going to be alone forever

 

[Landy828]

(Goes to sing theater)

Gets booed off stage. Haha....that would be my experience, but I absolutely SUCK at singing.

 

[Steeped in a Sea of Games]

I'm going to be alone forever

Click to shrink...

Being an Era member doesn't get you as many dates?

 

[insight]

I don't think that "fake till you make it" is a really good idea. It could be in short-term or occasionally, but I don't think it would be the most satisfying way to live your life. I guess at the end of the day you only risk of feeling like you don't even know who you are and that everything is just a lie. So, as someone said, living to please others doesn't look like the best option.

Unfortunately, I think it's true that our society worships extroverts and "leaders", to the point that it makes introverts feel "wrong" or "lazy" just because they prefer different activities or they simply have a different personality or ambitions. So, it's probably true that employers prefer extroverted people, however, it doesn't mean that you should change your whole life and personality because of it.

I honestly don't understand the advice they gave you. It looks like a "quick fix" they could basically give to anyone. I personally know a person who was given a very similar advice (for different reasons) by a psychologist they had the occasion to meet at work. And even then, I thought it was actually very random. In my opinion, it would have been better if they actually taught you some strategies to build self-confidence and to highlight your personality during a job interview, without necessarily telling you to change who you are.

And...

During a service provided by the employment center, the person tried to give me more confidence, end to provoke reactions from me. For example asking me if I was frigid, to see if I would react by protesting.

Click to shrink...

I didn't really understand what he did, but if he was doing something like intimidating you to help you build your confidence... well, I don't think that's the best way to do it.

 

[Reluctantly Gumblesmug]

I've always been pretty awkward, and i'm finding that networking is pretty darn important in the job search process, which requires you to be very outgoing. In school, you're sort of conditioned to think that it doesn't matter if you talk to people, as long as you keep your nose to the grindstone and do good work, but it seems you need some solid social skills to make it in the professional world. and as far as I can tell, the only way to learn these skills is to go out of your comfort zone until you get the hang of it.

 

[Xe4]

As someone who is absolutely an introvert and had been all my life (playing alone in the playground as a kid instead of with other kids for instance) I can say it negatively impacts my life in many ways, in that it's harder to meet people and form relationships whether they be romantic or friendly.

The important thing is to not let it control you. Go out and do something you like and also just happens to be in public or as part of a group. Human contact is a good thing, even if you are introverted, just like alone time is a good thing even if you are extroverted. Too much time alone or in a crowd both suck.

 

[Deleted member 13798]

Being an introvert is fucking hell.

Click to shrink...

Not to sound rude, but being introverted and not knowing how to talk to or engage people socially are very different, and often conflated.

I'm a massive introvert, but you have to cultivate social connections and push out of your zone, particularly at work. That doesn't mean being a fake extrovert, but engage by showing it through body language at meetings/in the break room when others are talking, stopping to small talk with coworkers, etc.

I spend a lot of time interacting with people all day long, and a lot of nights during the week I would prefer just to hang out alone to recharge, but I force myself to be social, at least one time weekly with coworkers or groups of friends. It's a needed counterbalance to help anchor you and keep your interpersonal relationships and skills sharp. I don't compromise what my needs are to do it, but sometimes I have to push myself outside of what I would preferred to do what I know would be good for me.

In OPs case, they are right, but their method doesn't sound helpful at all- cultivating social skills is important for job searching, but suggesting singing is completely irrelevant and missing the mark when suggesting a local meetup or something of interest is better.

You don't have to change who you are; introverts are awesome and offer a key balance to extroverts that helps both have deeper connections, but being withdrawn around people is something different than being introverted. The idea that "extroverts get everything and society only values them" is insecure bullshit to be frank. A lot of the greatest minds that shape our world and we revere as famous are introverts, but know how to leverage their necessary people skills.