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Honestly I think that I'm always going to be alone and I don't know what to do
- Thread starter Plum
- Start date
I'm not exactly in a good place myself either (after flying high for a while) but you have got to keep going. Have you considered joining any clubs or sports teams? Doing an activity you enjoy with other people who do the same?
Self realization is a very important step although all the self criticism is not always true as we tend to be harsher on ourselves in moments of low is the pivotal moment in which you think you'll always be alone when somehow , someone or something happens .
I hope positivity for you Plum and a better overall outcome in the future.
Until then keep your head up if you can regardless of how heavy that weight of burden at the time may feel.
I hope positivity for you Plum and a better overall outcome in the future.
Until then keep your head up if you can regardless of how heavy that weight of burden at the time may feel.
While it's true that making a change now doesn't affect the past, that's not a reason not to do something that will help you. Nobody does anything "the right way" out of the gate. So definitely see a therapist and stick with it for a while, see how that goes.
I don't want to make too many assumptions but purely based on what you wrote, being able to like and accept yourself is an important step in recognizing that others could too. Otherwise you end up pushing people away or not engaging yourself entirely, like the Tinder thing you're describing. A therapist can help with that, among others.
I don't want to make too many assumptions but purely based on what you wrote, being able to like and accept yourself is an important step in recognizing that others could too. Otherwise you end up pushing people away or not engaging yourself entirely, like the Tinder thing you're describing. A therapist can help with that, among others.
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It's absolutely vital that you learn to get on with yourself. I don't know how exactly you might get there, but it's been important to me in getting on with my often lonesome life.
Please take it easy on yourself. There's plenty of time.
Please take it easy on yourself. There's plenty of time.
No, but with the right therapist it will allow you to see that reversing those years isn't the be all and end all that you think it is.
Go to therapy. What's done is done, you're not going there to reverse what happened in the past, you're going there to figure out how to move forward. You've internalized a lot of crap about yourself that has become self-reinforcing and you don't feel like you can change. I'm here at 35 telling you that you fucking can.
Therapy is partly about building a toolbox to recognize when your brain is leading you down an unhealthy path, intercepting it, and redirecting. It won't be easy and it won't be immediate, but after a while you'll find yourself starting a pointless argument, realizing it, and deciding to just... not.
You've done the first step: recognizing your unhealthy behaviors and thoughts, and wanting your circumstances to change. They won't unless you make a good-faith attempt at changing your outlook. Now go do the work to make that happen.
Don't. Your brain is a liar. A very very convincing one. Help is out there, and you should seek it out.
Therapy is partly about building a toolbox to recognize when your brain is leading you down an unhealthy path, intercepting it, and redirecting. It won't be easy and it won't be immediate, but after a while you'll find yourself starting a pointless argument, realizing it, and deciding to just... not.
You've done the first step: recognizing your unhealthy behaviors and thoughts, and wanting your circumstances to change. They won't unless you make a good-faith attempt at changing your outlook. Now go do the work to make that happen.
Don't. Your brain is a liar. A very very convincing one. Help is out there, and you should seek it out.
Go get some therapy / couselling...
I was in a really bad place since Nov 2019 and started seeing a counselor in Jan 2021... 9 months of sessions and I'm feeling great...
Sure I lost 2 years... But I've gained every year after this point...
Please OP... See someone, find the right therapist for you... People are waiting to help you if you find them.
I was in a really bad place since Nov 2019 and started seeing a counselor in Jan 2021... 9 months of sessions and I'm feeling great...
Sure I lost 2 years... But I've gained every year after this point...
Please OP... See someone, find the right therapist for you... People are waiting to help you if you find them.
Well the past is the past and there's no changing that. Lord knows I've constantly and still somewhat continue to think about how I could go back in time and do things different. Be further ahead. Fix myself. But they're not productive uses of your time and neither is despising yourself, as hard as that is to stop. I'd highly recommend exercising, not for socializing or anything, but to build up your confidence by having you do something productive that'll lead to positive changes to your overall appearance so long as you also pair it with proper nutrition. I'd also recommend joining some clubs or groups so you can at least throw yourself out there and not be stuck by yourself all day and can spend time with folk with shared interests. Even if you don't end really making much of a connection, at least you'd be doing stuff that you might enjoy. As for therapy, well, you're not in the US so I imagine the costs are more than reasonable and, for a ton of folk, it does work. Costs is what keeps me away so I'd say make the best of your better opportunity here. The first one or two maybe won't work for you but I'm sure you'll eventually find one who'll click with you
Yeah you will never meet someone who holds exactly the same point of view as you. If everyone felt the same way about stuff the world would be boring as fuck. Maybe part of the solution to the problem is accepting this and finding someone you have some stuff in common with whilst accepting you will disagree on some stuff. The best way of ensuring you have decent meaningful relationships with people is learning to compromise.
I doubt anyone here truly hates you. I think it's pretty rare for anyone to remember to have particular opinions on certain posters tbh.
Try the therapy. And remember to look forward rather than back- you can do a whole lot of living in the space of a couple of years, and frankly, I doubt most people even have that to their name. Don't think of yourself as behind, think of yourself as just getting started.
Try the therapy. And remember to look forward rather than back- you can do a whole lot of living in the space of a couple of years, and frankly, I doubt most people even have that to their name. Don't think of yourself as behind, think of yourself as just getting started.
I always feel a bit bad telling people who have an aversion to therapy to do it anyway. But so many things you talk about could benefit from seeing a good therapist.
Like the need for wanting to reinvent yourself. But that that's pointless, because you are who you are. And apparently who you are isn't good enough. But I believe (and have personally experienced) that people can go through things that shape them in a certain way. That can leave scars on who they are, and make them feel, and thus behave in a certain way. And it might seem like those scars are part of who they are. And in a way that might be true.
But it's also not. Those scars can be healed, people can learn to come to grips with what happened. And the pain that was in that scar (like the feeling of being abandoned) can be healed. And the ever present fear of abandonment, that can cause you to push people away (cause pushing people away is less painful than them abandoning you), that fear can be resolved. Making it possible to socialize with other people without fear. And changing a part of who you are, a hurt part, into a healthily formed part. A 'clean' part. Someone you're actually supposed to be. I don't know you Plum, I'm not your therapist, so I don't know if this is the case with you. It's just an example. But it could be the case.
As for not knowing how to talk to people, this was me a hundred percent. I can't count the amount of times I made an awkward joke, and people around me literally wouldn't know how to respond, and would just walk away. But therapy is also about learning how to talk to people. About getting a feel for what works, and what doesn't. Without your therapist walking. I've been doing this for three years now, at 35, it's not exactly fun but it's absolutely worth every second of it. I honest to god wish I would've done it at 24.
Are you like, REALLY averse to going to see a therapist, or do you just think it's a waste of time? Cause I feel for you man (correct me if I'm wrong), reading your post sucks (not because it's a bad post), and I'm sure having to type it out is even worse. Alone is a dreadful thing to be.
Like the need for wanting to reinvent yourself. But that that's pointless, because you are who you are. And apparently who you are isn't good enough. But I believe (and have personally experienced) that people can go through things that shape them in a certain way. That can leave scars on who they are, and make them feel, and thus behave in a certain way. And it might seem like those scars are part of who they are. And in a way that might be true.
But it's also not. Those scars can be healed, people can learn to come to grips with what happened. And the pain that was in that scar (like the feeling of being abandoned) can be healed. And the ever present fear of abandonment, that can cause you to push people away (cause pushing people away is less painful than them abandoning you), that fear can be resolved. Making it possible to socialize with other people without fear. And changing a part of who you are, a hurt part, into a healthily formed part. A 'clean' part. Someone you're actually supposed to be. I don't know you Plum, I'm not your therapist, so I don't know if this is the case with you. It's just an example. But it could be the case.
As for not knowing how to talk to people, this was me a hundred percent. I can't count the amount of times I made an awkward joke, and people around me literally wouldn't know how to respond, and would just walk away. But therapy is also about learning how to talk to people. About getting a feel for what works, and what doesn't. Without your therapist walking. I've been doing this for three years now, at 35, it's not exactly fun but it's absolutely worth every second of it. I honest to god wish I would've done it at 24.
Are you like, REALLY averse to going to see a therapist, or do you just think it's a waste of time? Cause I feel for you man (correct me if I'm wrong), reading your post sucks (not because it's a bad post), and I'm sure having to type it out is even worse. Alone is a dreadful thing to be.
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You need to speak with a mental health professional, OP. They won't be able to change the past, but they can help you learn to accept it and to work on having a happier future.
800-273-8255
Please don't kill yourself.
800-273-8255
Before I finally went to see a therapist my mind was throwing up sooo many roadblocks: 'I'm not worthy of therapy, I'm not a good person. Why would the therapist care about helping me?' 'My situation isn't that bad. What if my therapist thinks I'm just some poser who likes to complain, and I should just get over it.' 'I'm not a good person, I suck at everything, I'm probably not good enough to do what it takes to successfully go to therapy.' All subconscious roadblocks that I had, just to avoid having to confront my buried trauma/scars. And which frankly turned out to be untrue bullshit :p In my case.
Not saying you have those exact same thoughts, but it's not unheard of to feel some aversion. And perhaps not even know were it's coming from.
And yeah, all of those things sound like very real, very tangible obstacles right now. Especially a Mum who sounds partially responsible for the not exactly ideal mental situation you might be in right now. I can't imagine my therapy process if I had still lived with my mother. Even though in hindsight she's the most supportive person around.
It is a relief though. Talking to someone about things that have been bothering you, and slowly getting some feeling of trust. Even though it might be hard talking about your mother to someone.
It sounds like there are quite a few obstacles to overcome. And moving away from where you are would probably give you a lot of peace of mind.
But sorry if I'm being too blunt or honest here, it might not solve all your problems.
But it also sounds like, hopefully having a bit of a proper read of your situation, that therapy could genuinely help you with getting the life you want. And that you might actually see that it could potentially help you yourself?
Edit: you also definitely don't come across as a bad person who makes everything worse. At least not to me :)
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A suggestion: Have an exercise/work out routine and do it. Being fit will definitely make you more confident.
Side note: You actually know the problem of why you are not a social person. So also find a way to gradually eliminate these bad habits around people.
Side note: You actually know the problem of why you are not a social person. So also find a way to gradually eliminate these bad habits around people.
It's interesting that your expectation of therapy would be to reverse those years otherwise it's worthless. I can sense some resistance and maybe misplaced expectations.
Really, it's cliche but what effort you'll put into something, that's what you'll get out of it. With therapy but also with relationships, like talking to another ace person.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but you sound depressed and hopeless. I think you've got a negative filter and can bat away any advice or suggestions with "yes but...". It's worth exploring the self-esteem, mindset, and self-worth in therapy if you still want to try something to make sense out of your life and what you want to improve. Maybe that self-blame ("argumentative, toxic, disgusting prick", "fat ugly alone guy") could be internalising what others have said, so you can look at the evidence for your beliefs and whether it matches with reality. It would not be about reinventing yourself but understanding yourself better and maybe look at how your past informs your present.
There is obviously (and luckily) a whole lot more to get from therapy than getting the years back you feel you've missed out on. Which is literally impossible. But the feeling that all those years have gone to waste...man that can be a source of frustration/anger/sadness. Though I'm probably saying you already learned/know :)
OP
OP
Thank you both for these posts - I still don't know whether I want/even can go to therapy, but right now I kind of want to try actually moving myself into a different situation before I put the money down on therapy. I've done so much introspecting and so many of my issues would be more easily-solved if I wasn't so utterly restricted in what might as well be the middle of nowhere. Though the news about the Omicron variant just terrifies me as, well, it might make such a possibility even further away than it is right now.
You're in UK, right? If you've never had therapy, you can try IAPT through NHS for 6 sessions, it's free. There are low cost counselling services too which would be for longer term therapy, that you can find just by searching. I work in one. Any queries, just ask me or DM me.
You're on the right track with trying to move to a different environment, but don't get lost in your own head with introspection. You'll miss out on things that way, exercise is a helpful tool to get yourself out of that head space.
You are not alone in this.
You are not alone in this.
That's quite okay :) It definitely reads like you have a lot to gain by a change of environment. Hell, I moved from a relatively small town to Amsterdam, where the options for therapy are much more abundant. So I can see how that might benefit you. I get it.
And I can also see why you might be hesitant. But just...knowing that there is a way out of my situation, even if I don't know what that way looks like...but knowing that if I put in the work, there is a very reasonable chance that all the things that suck right now might not suck in the end...That alone makes the screwed up situation a bit easier to deal with. Still hard, still frustrating, among a bazillion other things.
But just...keep that in mind, will you? When things might seem hopeless and desperate, and you might not know what the fuck is going on, what the fuck is going wrong...there are ways for it to get better.
edit: and reading Messofanego's post, they might not even be completely inaccessible.
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You seem to be someone that truly cares about others, to the point where you'll call other people out over their bullshit, instead of trying to maintain any civility. Sometimes this is necessary for progress, but a lot of people our age are apathetic to the social political stuff and some will strongly defend the problematic ones as being allowed to have their opinions. JK Rowling talking points and Palestinians right to exist aren't opinions though, they're shit that gets people killed. Some people try to protect the right for others to be a bit racist and sexist. I've been vocal about this a few times at work and it sets the eyes rolling when people realise I'm getting it all out by critiquing the right wing leanings of my other co-workers. Ironically, I'm nice to those people in person, but still criticise them, albeit in a much friendlier manner to the some what detrimental point, that they may think their opinions are valid.
It's quite easy to get wrapped up in social political discourse as a means of channeling your own discontent into a source for good. A lot of people will get ruffled by it and holding true to what you believe is right and being outspoken about it will cause you to become more distant from problematic people. So if you don't criticise their racism, they'll like you more, but why the hell should complicity be a solution. College and uni are the best chances outside of work that socially awkward people have of making life long friendships. I've had depression for two decades so have been socially withdrawn. I get attached to people who I feel I can help, that seem like they can benefit from my existence as much as I will theirs, but those friendships frequently fall apart. I reek of desperation and needyness due to how much I want someone to make me feel my life is worth living.
Perserverance and soldiering on are essential. It helps if you can distract yourself with recreational pursuits, but when you stop enjoying those as much, you may feel that you have little left in your life, especially if physical problems enter the picture making it even harder for you to enjoy anything. It's better to be alive and barely feel anything, then to be dead and feel nothing. Opportunities will come and go, so it's just a case of an eventual right place and right time for you to meet someone you can be compatible with. If you want a friendship to work enough, then the friends don't even have to have too much in common with you besides one or two things and the rest you can just work around. My musical preferences being a case in point as most people don't like what I like, but I can still talk to them about clothes and relationship stuff as I'm queer in both gender and sexuality. I also don't drink which seems to further my anti-socialness, so the whole bar crawling thing does nothing for me and I don't even bother dressing up in public as a result. My tinnitus also deters me from attending music venues along with my depression causing me to space out and feel detached. I'm okay with peace, but I don't even feel like I have that, so I don't 100% need other people, but I can't seem to better my situation by myself, so I just persevere in the hope that things will get better before I die of natural causes.
It's quite easy to get wrapped up in social political discourse as a means of channeling your own discontent into a source for good. A lot of people will get ruffled by it and holding true to what you believe is right and being outspoken about it will cause you to become more distant from problematic people. So if you don't criticise their racism, they'll like you more, but why the hell should complicity be a solution. College and uni are the best chances outside of work that socially awkward people have of making life long friendships. I've had depression for two decades so have been socially withdrawn. I get attached to people who I feel I can help, that seem like they can benefit from my existence as much as I will theirs, but those friendships frequently fall apart. I reek of desperation and needyness due to how much I want someone to make me feel my life is worth living.
Perserverance and soldiering on are essential. It helps if you can distract yourself with recreational pursuits, but when you stop enjoying those as much, you may feel that you have little left in your life, especially if physical problems enter the picture making it even harder for you to enjoy anything. It's better to be alive and barely feel anything, then to be dead and feel nothing. Opportunities will come and go, so it's just a case of an eventual right place and right time for you to meet someone you can be compatible with. If you want a friendship to work enough, then the friends don't even have to have too much in common with you besides one or two things and the rest you can just work around. My musical preferences being a case in point as most people don't like what I like, but I can still talk to them about clothes and relationship stuff as I'm queer in both gender and sexuality. I also don't drink which seems to further my anti-socialness, so the whole bar crawling thing does nothing for me and I don't even bother dressing up in public as a result. My tinnitus also deters me from attending music venues along with my depression causing me to space out and feel detached. I'm okay with peace, but I don't even feel like I have that, so I don't 100% need other people, but I can't seem to better my situation by myself, so I just persevere in the hope that things will get better before I die of natural causes.
Learning how to let things go is important. If someone says something that's misinformed, you have to ask yourself if it's worth correcting them.
Regarding your interactions with other people, I feel like it is important to keep in mind that your experience of those interactions is not really the experience other people had.
While I can't speak to your experience exactly, I know that at least in my case when I look back and think about awkward or bad moments of interactions between people, I can barely recall moments where other people were the culprit of those memories, now is it because everyone else I have ever met is some perfect being that has nailed every social interaction, no, it is just simply that my brain doesn't particularly care about those memories, so all that is left is the moments where I did something I might consider wrong, when in reality there is a very good chance the people on the other side pure and simply have no recollection of those moments at all.
Even the moments the other person recalls are likely remembered not because of something you did, but because of something they perceived they did.
At the end of the day our own experience is only one side of what actually happened, and not even an entire accurate depiction of that to begin with, your brain very much lies to you on these things, and I can pretty much assure you that there will have been moments where some interaction was awkward or weird or what ever, where you thought you made it weird, and the other person left that interaction thinking the exact same thing about themselves.
Not sure if you are 24 years old, or older, but one thing I will say is that at least in my experience you start to realize and far more importantly internalize these kinds of things more and more as you grow older, I mean at your age you can probably already look back at a picture of yourself as a child (seriously go and grab one of when you were a kid), and see if you have the same negative opinion of it as you did back then.
Seriously, I remember being a kid and having confidence issues in regard to my looks, as I assume many of my peers had, and many years later when I looked at a picture of me as a kid I couldn't possibly fathom what the hell I was thinking.
Compassion and understanding is not just things we should extend to others, we need to do it towards ourselves just as much if not more so.
you need to bounce stuff off people. Self-solving is extremely difficult and can easily turn into bottling up, doubling down on negative behaviors, spiraling, or building unhealthy coping mechanisms. Trying to filter issues through the same membrane that got you to the self-categorized "bad place" you're in now… might not work.
Also. Yeah, getting into pointless arguments with people needs to stop. Actual discourse has a place when the other party knows what they're engaging in. Otherwise it just comes off as combative… cuz it kinda is. You gotta be curious, not judgemental.
also also, you are so fucking young my friend. I didn't get my shit together til I was 31. You will be a work in progress til the day you die. Relax and get yourself out of this idea that there is a timeline or a deadline.
Try not to put too much stock in the crystal ball fallacy: the assumption that you can predict your future based on your past experiences and present situation.
I strongly recommend that you read Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy by David Burns. Please give it a try. This book has practical techniques that will help you overcome the mental traps that convince you you're doomed to always be an antisocial loser. It gives clear explanations of the cognitive distortions so many people face, and it presents simple and clear methods to overcome them, based on real clinical experience.
The fact is, people in worse situations than yours have improved their lives. You can do it too, if you learn the tools that will give you a fighting chance against your own thoughts and behaviors.
In the meantime, you have to find a way to prove to yourself that you have worth. I think another poster's suggestion to get a small pet to take care of is a good idea. Having a little companion who relies on you and shows you affection can make a big difference.
I strongly recommend that you read Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy by David Burns. Please give it a try. This book has practical techniques that will help you overcome the mental traps that convince you you're doomed to always be an antisocial loser. It gives clear explanations of the cognitive distortions so many people face, and it presents simple and clear methods to overcome them, based on real clinical experience.
The fact is, people in worse situations than yours have improved their lives. You can do it too, if you learn the tools that will give you a fighting chance against your own thoughts and behaviors.
In the meantime, you have to find a way to prove to yourself that you have worth. I think another poster's suggestion to get a small pet to take care of is a good idea. Having a little companion who relies on you and shows you affection can make a big difference.
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Glad your head's in a better spot today. And don't run from cliches! They got to be cliches because they're common, and often work.
I was an awkward kid growing up, awkward in college, no friends after college and stuck in FF11. Got hooked on cycling several years later which got me better off physically and made me a little less shitty of a person.
Sorry you're going through this shit. Hopefully you find something that gets you some inner peace as well.
Sorry you're going through this shit. Hopefully you find something that gets you some inner peace as well.