I don't know where I belong, and I'm in agony because of it (sorry, very long post)

[Shantae]

I don't know what I'm hoping to accomplish, maybe just find a connection. I was already told to seek therapy from other places for posting similar discussions, but I need to talk and I was shut down. Posting on forums is my only means of socialization.

Has the world always been fucked and just getting older makes you realize it more? I'm 37 years old now, and maybe I still have a youthful ignorance about me, but I am legit getting worn out by life, when I still feel like I haven't even started parts of it. Whether it's politics, trying to fit in, or just try to get by in life as a straight white male, every aspect of life just feels terrible, and I'm desperately trying to find things that bring me joy, but I'm always mocked and made fun for the things I like.

I was never a very political person when I was younger, but the world (at least in the US) has made it impossible to avoid being part of a political discussion. I have certainly found where I stand on certain issues through all this, but I don't have a side I can properly stand with, which feels very isolating. I hate Trump, but I also don't always side with far left liberals, so I'm often in this weird place where I wish people could compromise more. Equality doesn't mean what I feel it should mean. Equality seems to mean special privileged when I believed that it meant every thing is equal. Every time I get into a debate regarding politics in general, it's always me stating my issues, and the opposition being snarky. Not giving actual good reasons, but rather something along the lines of "your white, so what you say doesn't matter", or "your a male and your opinion doesnt matter" basically. I will simply say I think a President should be a good leader for ALL Americans, not just those who support him. Trump supporters drive me crazy with their blind devotion to a scumbag who is a traitor, liar, and just plain evil. Even after this year where we've been faced with so much bull shit, whether it's protests, or covid…he has done a piss poor job of uniting the nation which is his job, and yet somehow people still support him. This isn't a left vs right issue, this is a good vs evil issue.

At the same time, I can't stand with liberals on everything. This forum has legit made me, and others like me too scared to say how I really feel on certain topics because it's considered wrong think or something. That's just not right. I don't know how else to put it, but democracy works when every one is heard. Where oppositions come together to agree on something, or sometimes disagree, but continue to work together. I fear that a lot of people on the left don't want to work together with people, or even don't want to take the support of allies unless they're with them 100%. That just feels wrong.

Politics aren't the only part of life that sucks though. My therapist used to try and encourage me to explore the aspects of my personality that made me unique. I've always gone against the grain a little bit, and she would encourage me to explore those things because she said that they brought out what was the best in me, at least she thought so. In retrospect, I feel like it's had the opposite effect on my life. I'm in a situation where I have less of a social circle than I did before. I was already stuck with no friends, but at one point I thought I had a good enough relationship with my brother. Now he won't talk to me at all, and doesn't consider me is part of his family. I've tried to make new friends by doing things like meetup.com, but that just doesn't work for me either. I'm an introvert who's always hated socializing with large groups of people, and meetup is all about groups. Every time I've gone to a meeting, I've felt so uncomfortable and eager to leave because the group setting doesn't work for me. I've always been more comfortable with 1 maybe 2 people at most.

In trying to make new friends though, I've kinda learned that I maybe don't give a fuck about meeting other dudes. At my age, I just want a woman in my life, and I know that's difficult to even accomplish without a social circle. I'm a living paradox. I think part of it is I'm very resentful at other men for how previous friendships I've had have always gone. In most cases, I've had friends who straight up just forgot about me, and became like I didn't exist anymore because they found the woman in their lives, and got married, moved on…no time for friends anymore. In shittier situations, I've had friends who have gone out of their way to hurt me. Friends I've confided in when it came to me having feelings for a woman would pretend to be my friend, but then start dating the same woman I told them I was interested in, but was too afraid to approach. This happened more than once, and last time I remember this happened was at an old job…a guy I knew who I thought was my closest friend there, started dating someone he knew I liked, and I said to him "how could you do that to me", and he straight up replied with "none of us care about you as much as you wish we did". Maybe he was right, but god that felt like a punch in the gut.

I used to believe the lies that there was someone in this world for everyone when it came to finding a spouse, and my parents still try to tell me that I'll meet someone, but I legit don't believe it. Trying to accept that fact doesn't make it any easier though, it just makes my life feel so pointless, and makes me wish I was dead more. What people like my parents don't understand is that the world fucking sucks, because being a straight white male means that I'm supposed to accept that I'm evil. As if trying to meet a woman wasn't hard enough for me when I was just a shy introvert, now I need extra layers of bull shit where I'm not even sure how to approach it anymore. Before, it was…I need to learn to be assertive, and confident. Now…I need to do that, but also not too much for fear of being accused of sexual harassment.

My real life sucks, and now I'm working a job where I don't interact with people most of the time…I say I'm happy with it, because I can just sit there playing my Switch most of the shift, but I think I'm just avoiding getting hurt by trying to avoid social interaction with real people. The job itself is pretty rewarding because I do literally help save lives in what I do, but because it's a night shift job, and it can also be kinda slow. I do love playing a good video game, and I think I keep going to video game forums like this because I prefer the format, and because part of me just loves having a conversation regarding the topic. I like exploring themes, or talking about narrative. I took film courses in college to do just that, I loved it. But now that most of my socialization now has become internet based, and it's no better....places like this is the majority of my socialization right now, but whether it's here, twitter, or any other forum…people can be so cruel, and I can't handle it.

I know this just opens me up to more mockery, but I've needed to say something that I've felt for a while. I HATE being called a weeb, I hate the whole idea of being labeled as something because you are a certain way. When I did used to go to therapy, and the nice woman I saw would encourage me to follow my dreams, she basically told me the opposite of what the internet tells me every day; that if I love Japan, then I should go there, live there, and follow my dreams. For a while I was on that path, until financial burdens kind of put it on pause, but that goal of doing that gave me hope for a while. It was thanks to her guidance that I finally did take my first vacation to Japan, but every time I express my love for it, it's met with snarky attitudes and ridicule. I don't revolve my life around anime like most "weebs". I like some, but that's just because I enjoy the story, or art. I legit just love the culture and environment of Japan. It is simple things like the courtesy that is present in the social interaction of Japanese culture and that's sorely missing in American culture that I appreciate. Or the awesome infrastructure, and the fact that cars actually wait outside the cross walks, and don't just sit on top of them. I know this next comment is going to also open me up to ridicule, but this is something I truly feel. If it's now acceptable for people to believe they were born with the wrong gender, and can change it, why is it so pathetic to feel like I was born in the wrong culture? I feel no connection, or love at being American, in fact I despise it. Even if I want to go back on the heritage of my bloodline, I don't like where my family is from either. I don't believe in the religious beliefs and actually follow a more Shinto way of thinking. Continuing to learn Japanese is something I still wanna keep doing, but my mental state of how down I am just overwhelms my ability to retain it.

This thread might get me banned because of my questionable views, but I ask that people be open and to be more empathetic. I felt the need to speak out because I'm tired of being a person who's in the middle on certain topics, and this forum is known for not taking kindly to anyone who isn't all left all the time. I don't mean to throw stones, but I'm just saying it like it is. I think the middle is the best place to be, but the gaming community is full of people who don't agree and it makes me sad, and so isolated.

Anyway…that's the gist of it. I'm sorry to make this thread and fill it with my personal bull shit, but I'm hurting right now because my mental state is just bringing me down so much. No one cares, and no one probably will, but some things I just wanted to get off my chest, while others I just needed other people to know about me. The problems of the world though have just been weighing on me so much that I feel like I'm in physical pain. I wish I could just unplug from the internet, because then I'd avoid some of the meaner comments, or the politics, but then I'd be cutting myself off from the only form of socialization I still have.

 

[Mammoth Jones]

Honestly my advice is to spend less time on the internet. Unplug. You need real life social bonds. The internet isn't a viable long term replacement, IMO.

Don't avoid people in real life. Find the few you can really gel with a build friendships. That shit's real. And can make a real difference.

 

[Br3wnor]

You come off a bit like you're "entitled" to finding a woman and are using the excuse that since you're a white man, you're viewed as evil and that's the reason you can't find someone.

Like you admitted you're not a social person yet you expect a woman to magically find you, like you and start dating you. It doesn't work that way, you have to put yourself out there if you want to meet someone.

The good news is you're 37 so if you enter the 35+ y/o dating pool there's not a ton of competition if you're a halfway stable, employed man. It's super slim pickings for women looking for men to date in that age bracket but you're gonna need to put in the effort to make it happen

Also, do you have your own place? If you live with your parents it's gonna be tough sledding to find a partner, just being real with you

 

[Wyvers]

Your romanticisation of Japan is misplaced. It's a cool country but it's not what you think it is. But if you're really set on it, why not move there? Get a TEFL certificate and go teach. It doesn't sound like there's anything stopping you.

 

[leafcutter]

I feel you on the politics at least.

As far as toxicity on the internet, try and find smaller niche communities/boards that are centered around a hobby you enjoy. Those tend to be healthier in my experience when compared to big platforms with lots of loud assholes.

 

[Muppet of a Man]

Honestly my advice is to spend less time on the internet. Unplug. You need real life social bonds. The internet isn't a viable long term replacement, IMO.

Don't avoid people in real life. Find the few you can really gel with a build friendships. That shit's real. And can make a real difference.

Click to shrink...

Heed this wise advice. The internet in general these days is pure vitriol and poison. Start basing your interactions with people based on common interests and stay offline, face-to-face with people as much as you can.

Also, if you can swing it, hang out with people five to ten years your junior. They are going to be more vivacious and want to actually go out and do things since more of them are still single.

 

[sphagnum]

Equality doesn't mean what I feel it should mean. Equality seems to mean special privileged when I believed that it meant every thing is equal.

Click to shrink...

This can be hard to understand as a straight white man. You go to work, you follow the rules, you try to do what you've been taught is right, and yet you get nowhere and seem to see other people get special help that you don't get. As a fellow straight white man, I also had that viewpoint when I used to be a Republican. The problem with it is that it doesn't take into account that the reality on the ground is that things right now aren't equal, and to fix that, we need specialized solutions for the groups who are not equal with those of us who American society is structured around. Because it is, in fact, structured around us straight white men, and much of the "normal" life that we take for granted is actually built upon the historical and continuing oppression of others. Now, that isn't to say that white men are all guaranteed a great life. They're certainly not. But we've been born into a place in society that exists in the manner it does because of events that preceded our own lives, which have given us advantages we may not even think about on a day to day basis.

It would be nice if the world worked according to merit, where everyone was born with the same opportunity and you rose or fell depending on your effort, but that's not really how it works. Different groups start off in different places and face either additional hurdles or get additional help depending on who they are - and we straight white men don't really face a whole lot of hurdles stemming from the fact that we're straight white men. We have hurdles, sure - mostly relating to our labor being exploited if we're workers - but everyone else also faces those same hurdles and then some. We don't see that easily because we are treated as "default". So it's hard for us to see, without being taught, how others face even more severe hurdles, and how that is a perpetually reinforced system. That system prevents us from achieving the sort of equality you desire. To get to that point we need to break down the barriers that prevent it from happening in the first place, which requires proactive change that uplifts those who are marginalized.

 

[BronzeWolf]

I've been in your shoes and I'd encourage you to CONNECT with real people.

Internet only shows you one side of any given person, but real life connection is much more rich and varied.

I can relate with the loneliness of my job.

Don't be ashamed of your privilege. Use it to do good for good's sake, not for what some other people think.

Fuck the hardcore left. I'm done with the judging they do on everything that's not as woke as them. But that doesn't mean my morals change, so the fuck I'm gonna be voting for a right party. I just don't care if someone in the internet hates me.

 

[Scottoest]

places like this is the majority of my socialization right now, but whether it's here, twitter, or any other forum…people can be so cruel, and I can't handle it.

Click to shrink...

You're 100% right on this point. Like you I grew up in an era when the internet was still mostly in it's infancy, and social media didn't really exist yet. While in many ways the world is improving, I've often debated with a friend of mine about whether the internet has actually been a net positive for society. Not just because it allows things like QAnon, or anonymous anger and cruelty more generally, but because so many of our most important conversations take place without looking into the other person's eyes any more - and that has led us to be unable to disagree and speak constructively.

I agree with some of the other stuff you've written, though honestly its so many words covering so much ground it's hard to really digest. The rigid (and actively enforced!) politics of this place are definitely a thing, and I've definitely opted to simply not bother with a lot of topics, because it's just not worth the headache (though that acquiescent attitude is itself a problem). I'm not even in the "center" - I'm solidly left-wing in most of my political outlook - though I have some issues with what I perceive as some growing dysfunction within the ongoing liberal "conversation".

ResetEra is the way it is, and I wouldn't bother trying to push that particular boulder uphill. I come here for the news and rumours, and the occasional good conversations about a hobby I enjoy. The rest I try to ignore.

As far as toxicity on the internet, try and find smaller niche communities/boards that are centered around a hobby you enjoy. Those tend to be healthier in my experience when compared to big platforms with lots of loud assholes.

Click to shrink...

This would largely be my advice too. In addition, you really need to force yourself to unplug more often. Living life face to face with people is a lot less toxic than internet discourse, and it makes the world seem like a less oppressively hostile place. Too much time online causes you to lose sight of that reality.

And keep talking to your therapist, More importantly, be honest with them. If group makes you feel horrible, they can only give you advice about what they know. I had to learn this particular lesson myself. People on a forum like this won't be able to do anything for you.

Godspeed.

 

[PancakeFlip]

Your romanticisation of Japan is misplaced. It's a cool country but it's not what you think it is. But if you're really set on it, why not move there? Get a TEFL certificate and go teach. It doesn't sound like there's anything stopping you.

Click to shrink...

Yeah the stereotype of Japan is pretty strong, when you start living there you learn real fast. My friend went there with romanticized views. He's been there about 8 years now, he's ALMOST as disappointed with people there as he use to be with people in the west when we grew up lol.

 

[Shantae]

Your romanticisation of Japan is misplaced. It's a cool country but it's not what you think it is. But if you're really set on it, why not move there? Get a TEFL certificate and go teach. It doesn't sound like there's anything stopping you.

Click to shrink...

This is a common thing I hear, but I disagree. I romanticize it for more than just the surface level stuff.

Lack of money is part of the reason I haven't really looked into any opportunities. I'm terrible at saving. Are you saying that there are other job placement programs that don't require a bachelor's degree like something like JET does? That's part of been what's holding me back. I'm only about a year from my bachelor's, but the money out before I could finish it. I'm having trouble saving, because gaming is too expensive of a hobby, and I often spend money I shouldn't as a coping mechanism from my depression. I hate it, but I can't seem to break it.

Yeah the stereotype of Japan is pretty strong, when you start living there you learn real fast. My friend went there with romanticized views. He's been there about 8 years now, he's ALMOST as disappointed with people there as he use to be with people in the west when we grew up lol.

Click to shrink...

Maybe that's true, but there other reasons beyond the people I love it there. I love the locations. Whenever I've been to Japan, just waking up there felt better than any day I've woken up at home. I felt safer there than I've ever felt walking in a big city in America.

 

[MisterSnrub]

Like the other person said, this is a case of you needing to unplug from your internet. And I would add: also to abandon any pre-conceived notions of who you are that you have built to deal with the emotional pain of loneliness accumulated over the years. Living with this self-portrayal as someone who fundamentally doesn't belong and goes against the grain doesn't serve you, so let it go. Get that self-image out of your head. You are not a person who was born to suffer, but you can perpetuate that reality for yourself simply by letting that narrative feature regularly in your thoughts.

Also, Japan is, among other things, pretty fucking racist. You're romanticising a culture every bit as flawed as the States, or anywhere else. If you want to go there, then go, but understand that idealisation will end up disappointing you, too. Unless you actually enjoy the idea of a country that embraces its own homogeneity at your expense, in which case, well....

 

[Astral]

Is anyone legit proud to be an American? This country is often a fucking joke so I feel you on that one. I've never had any attachment to the US. Part of it may be because I wasn't born here but I did spend almost my whole life here.

 

[Shantae]

Like the other person said, this is a case of you needing to unplug from your internet. And I would add: also to abandon any pre-conceived notions of who you are that you have built to deal with the emotional pain of loneliness accumulated over the years. Living with this self-portrayal as someone who fundamentally doesn't belong and goes against the grain doesn't serve you, so let it go. Get that self-image out of your head. You are not a person who was born to suffer, but you can perpetuate that reality for yourself.

Also, Japan is, among other things, pretty fucking racist. You're romanticising a culture every bit as flawed as the States, or anywhere else. If you want to go there, then go, but understand that idealisation will end up disappointing you, too. Unless you actually enjoy the idea of a country that embraces its own homogeneity at your expense, in which case, well....

Click to shrink...

No, I'm well aware of it. You think I didn't go there and see the "no foreigner" signs everywhere? I already know that I wouldn't 100% fit in there simply for not being of asian descent, since they could probably blend in more than a white guy could. Even then, there is a level of courtesy there that I would trade for the lifestyle of Americans in a heartbeat.

Here's an example of something that happened when I was leaving. I had left my luggage at the hotel, and had a ticket to pick it up before I went to the airport. I dropped this ticket when I was outside, and didn't even notice I dropped it. Someone came up to me and made sure I got it back. This is 100% not something anyone where I live would give a flying fuck about. It's little things like that I love, that is just absent in my life. Simple consideration for others.

 

[Eeyore]

Maybe that's true, but there other reasons beyond the people I love it there. I love the locations. Whenever I've been to Japan, just waking up there felt better than any day I've woken up at home. I felt safer there than I've ever felt walking in a big city in America.

Click to shrink...

The latter part is definitely true. Japan is safer than the US from what I've read.

You might ask yourself why you assign such reverence to Japan though. I lived there when I was younger and not everyone likes white people there. Some of the older generation definitely have their reasons.

As for your struggle to fit in, know your place in the world, you aren't alone. It's an ongoing process. I struggle every day with this. I've had one or two conversations in person since February. It's really tough.

It isn't going to be easy to branch out during this pandemic anyway. Use this time to figure out what does make you happy and aim for that. For me, I'm going to try to move out of the United States so every decision has that in mind. If Japan is that for you, then go for it.

 

[MisterSnrub]

No, I'm well aware of it. You think I didn't go there and see the "no foreigner" signs everywhere? I already know that I wouldn't 100% fit in there simply for not being of asian descent, since they could probably blend in more than a white guy could. Even then, there is a level of courtesy there that I would trade for the lifestyle of Americans in a heartbeat.

Here's an example of something that happened when I was leaving. I had left my luggage at the hotel, and had a ticket to pick it up before I went to the airport. I dropped this ticket when I was outside, and didn't even notice I dropped it. Someone came up to me and made sure I got it back. This is 100% not something anyone where I live would give a flying fuck about. It's little things like that I love, that is just absent in my life. Simple consideration for others.

Click to shrink...

Oh hey, I had a similar experience, but the wheels came off my suitcase. A guy literally helped me drag 30kg of shit along the ground for half a mile until we found a taxi rank. The courtesy is definitely a wonderful thing, and I get why it resonated with you so much. Again man, if it feels like it's your thing, just go for it. Teaching EFL is a lot of fun (and exhausting).

 

[makingmusic476]

Honestly my advice is to spend less time on the internet. Unplug. You need real life social bonds. The internet isn't a viable long term replacement, IMO.

Don't avoid people in real life. Find the few you can really gel with a build friendships. That shit's real. And can make a real difference.

Click to shrink...

This.

But also, OP, you sound like you have social anxiety. I'd talk to a doctor about getting anxiety meds. It'd make creating those real world relationships so much easier.

 

[Wyvers]

This is a common thing I hear, but I disagree. I romanticize it for more than just the surface level stuff.

Lack of money is part of the reason I haven't really looked into any opportunities. I'm terrible at saving. Are you saying that there are other job placement programs that don't require a bachelor's degree like something like JET does? That's part of been what's holding me back. I'm only about a year from my bachelor's, but the money out before I could finish it. I'm having trouble saving, because gaming is too expensive of a hobby, and I often spend money I shouldn't as a coping mechanism from my depression. I hate it, but I can't seem to break it.



Maybe that's true, but there other reasons beyond the people I love it there. I love the locations. Whenever I've been to Japan, just waking up there felt better than any day I've woken up at home. I felt safer there than I've ever felt walking in a big city in America.

Click to shrink...

Ah. I assumed you had a bachelor's. It would be difficult to find a teaching job in Asia without one, I'm afraid. It's a requirement for a teaching visa. But you said you're a year out. So you could view moving there as a motivation to save and get your bachelor's. I have been teaching in East Asia a while now and although my life home was all fine, moving to a new country was a wonderful breath of fresh air I sorely needed.

If you know the language and understand the culture it will help with living there. Just know. As a foreigner, you might be treated kindly and thrive in the country but you will never fully be accepted the way a Japanese person is. Even foreign-born ethnics experience this.

 

[meowdi gras]

It's obvious to me reading your post that, at 37, you still have a lot of growing up to do. Although take heart at that news: it means there's a lot about your situation that is still fully in your control.

You sound like a sensitive person. (I should know, I'm a sensitive person.) That means that it should be well within your grasp to develop a little more empathy for others. Certain remarks of yours indicate that you are brushing off many of the real, intensely-serious struggles, with their understandably charged sentiments, expressed here and elsewhere by others less fortunate than yourself. If you are suffering as a straight white man from what sounds like a reasonably privileged background (and I do not question that you are), you should extrapolate from that how much more suffering minorities are enduring in this society set up to oppress them. No person is an island. Once you're able to gain that perspective on your relationship with others, it should enable you to start shedding some of your toxic attitudes. (You quite obviously have blind spots for the plight of women and trans people.)

With the cultivation of empathy and understanding--as well as endeavoring to improve yourself in other ways: intellectually, spiritually, culturally, physically, etc--you should be able to set a better tone in your interactions with others. I'm a big believer in positive/negative energy. If you're perpetually stuck in a way of "being" for a long time, as it sounds like you have been, you can easily find yourself circling the drain of negativity. Other people pick that up from you and want no part of it. If, on the other hand, you set yourself on the path of positive change--striving to understand your world better, expanding your horizons, building on the harsh lessons you've learned with definite goals to progress towards--people will notice and welcome the change in you. They will see an interesting individual charged with the vitality to get somewhere in life (not necessarily only financially/professionally/etc). Most folks are in a rut of sorts of their own and will naturally gravitate towards that energy in you.

In short, do some real, introspective thinking, perceive those negative patterns you are stuck in, and change them. Get out of your head. Force yourself out of your comfort zone. For me, dancing and fashion were two new, wildly different pursuits I followed once I had finally taken the first steps towards reinventing myself, and surprised myself with how well I took to them. To my astonishment, sad, withdrawn little me went from having no friends to a crapton almost overnight.

Sure, there was a degree of "faking it till making it" in the equation early on, if only to push myself off the wall into making things happen for myself. But once I got the ball rolling a bit, so to speak, receiving such a positive response from others boosted my confidence, which then emboldened me to go further with exploring this new relationship I had with the world; ad infinitum, until I had created a new cycle of positivity to power me into becoming an immensely happier self.

Don't look back, and even look forward as little as you can get away with. Fix your consciousness on the present and focus on living (not just existing). The only one whom can make this change is you. More power to you.

 

[Dr. Lucien Sanchez]

Yes. Certainly on the bullshit scale, protesting against police shootings and covid are the same.

...

I will echo others though, you should probably take a break from the internet for a while. Like, this:

What people like my parents don't understand is that the world fucking sucks, because being a straight white male means that I'm supposed to accept that I'm evil.

Click to shrink...

Is a fucking alarm bell on so many levels

 

[Midramble]

Relationships don't solve self loathing or self devaluation. As a matter of fact relationships can exacerbate it and destroy relationships. (Speaking from experience).

Japan has many great things about it, but Japan won't make you feel less lonely and when there long enough the veneer peels off and the reality of it's imperfection sets in. Japanese culture will also not save a person and can also exacerbate the feeling (the expat burnout ive seen in kabukicho is extensive).

Seek friendship relationships before depending on romantic relationships. Get better at making friendly relationships with anyone. CBT psychologists can also help. Building up expectations for any one person or any one place will only disappoint and hurt both you and that person/place.

 

[hiro42]

It sounds like you are intent on moving to and living in Japan. I do think you are romanticizing Japan quite abit. Even though you have traveled there before on vacation, living there is quite different. Lucky for you, Japanese people tend to romanticize white people. So you will never be treated equally over there but there will be some people who will worship you cause you are white...

All the English teaching positions require a bachelor's degree so they can sponsor you over. So finishing your degree should be your first goal. You can also apply to a language school and try to learn Japanese over there. That will cost you a bit of money up front but you should be able to work part-time teaching.

 

[MisterSnrub]

Ah. I assumed you had a bachelor's. It would be difficult to find a teaching job in Asia without one, I'm afraid. It's a requirement for a teaching visa. But you said you're a year out. So you could view moving there as a motivation to save and get your bachelor's. I have been teaching in East Asia a while now and although my life home was all fine, moving to a new country was a wonderful breath of fresh air I sorely needed.

If you know the language and understand the culture it will help with living there. Just know. As a foreigner, you might be treated kindly and thrive in the country but you will never fully be accepted the way a Japanese person is. Even foreign-born ethnics experience this.

Click to shrink...

Lowkey excuse to mention that one time I had my friend MSpaint my name over theirs on their degree and I wound up with an agency gig teaching the Vietnamese defense minister's daughter. Shame me all you like for the deception but fuck that authoritarian asshole, I felt alive and that kid loved our classes. Then eventually (ie. less than two months) I got paranoid, quit and hopped on a plane to Indonesia with my then-girlfriend.

THIS IS THE KIND OF RECKLESS FUN YOU COULD BE HAVING OP

EDIT: text wasn't big enough for my liking

 

[BossAttack]

I'd like to hear more about your political views because they sound like dogshit.

 

[MisterSnrub]

I'd like to hear more about your political views because they sound like dogshit.

Click to shrink...

Not the general purpose of this thread. DM him if you want, but he's reaching out here. Bad time for a pile-on.

 

[BossAttack]

Not the general purpose of this thread. DM him if you want, but he's reaching out here. Bad time for a pile-on.

Click to shrink...

He brought it up in the OP. If we are to help OP, we need to understand his views and how they may be affecting his life.

 

[Wyvers]

Lowkey excuse to mention that one time I had my friend MSpaint my name over theirs on their degree and I wound up with an agency gig teaching the Vietnamese defense minister's daughter. Shame me all you like for the deception but fuck that authoritarian asshole, I felt alive and that kid loved our classes. Then eventually (ie. less than two months) I got paranoid, quit and hopped on a plane to Indonesia with my then-girlfriend.

THIS IS THE KIND OF RECKLESS FUN YOU COULD BE HAVING OP

EDIT: text wasn't big enough for my liking

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Definitely possible in certain countries. I once got a job at a public school in Thailand after backpacking and deciding to hang around for a few more months, no one ever even asked to see my degree and I worked on a tourist visa lol. This was only two years ago so it's still viable for sure.

But Japan (and Korea, where I am) are strict on documentation. The longest application process I ever did. Nearly gave up a few times.

edit: off-topic but there was a decent EFL thread on the old forum. Can we get one like it set up here? Seems there are enough people who do it.

 

[DarthSpider]

If it's now acceptable for people to believe they were born with the wrong gender, and can change it, why is it so pathetic to feel like I was born in the wrong culture?

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I don't think there's anything wrong with this. I feel way more at home here in Japan than I did in the states. I was fairly social growing up in the US, but I always hated American entitlement, and that so many people around only gave a shit about themselves and what was going on in their lives. Even the good people. Japan isn't perfect by any stretch, but I do enjoy life here and I like putting the needs of the group before the individual. I like personal responsibility. There's more of the stuff I like in Japan.

 

[Mekanos]

I'll just post this.

There's a version I'd like to post that isn't appropriate for this thread that homages the French Revolution, lol. But you get the idea.

(Ignore that the liberated people are about to get whacked with an incoming baseball.)

Last thing: as someone on the "far left," you're in for a surprise if you think this forum's general posting population is "far left."

 

[Shantae]

I don't think there's anything wrong with this. I feel way more at home here in Japan than I did in the states. I was fairly social growing up in the US, but I always hated American entitlement, and that so many people around only gave a shit about themselves and what was going on in their lives. Even the good people. Japan isn't perfect by any stretch, but I do enjoy life here and I like putting the needs of the group before the individual. I like personal responsibility. There's more of the stuff I like in Japan.

Click to shrink...

YES! This is something I couldn't articulate before, but yes. In America, the culture seems to be about "look out for number 1, and fuck everyone else" even if it's at the expense of your colleagues. It's that sense of unity that I've felt was lacking in all my life. I like the idea of being a part of a group. Again, I know I would never totally fit in, but I can still appreciate it and try to contribute if I was there.

 

[Deleted member 12833]

I'd like to hear more about your political views because they sound like dogshit.

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Smh

 

[TechnoTrousers]

I'd like to hear more about your political views because they sound like dogshit.

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Love this kind of echo-chamber bullshit 🙄

 

[Shantae]

Smh

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Yeah...I'm just trying to ignore people like him.

Really great way to miss the point of what I'm trying to say, and part of what's troubling me so much. How dare I have wrong think.

 

[earthsucks]

Maybe that's true, but there other reasons beyond the people I love it there. I love the locations. Whenever I've been to Japan, just waking up there felt better than any day I've woken up at home. I felt safer there than I've ever felt walking in a big city in America.

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being a tourist in japan is a completely polar opposite experience to being a (foreign) resident of japan.

 

[crienne]

YES! This is something I couldn't articulate before, but yes. In America, the culture seems to be about "look out for number 1, and fuck everyone else" even if it's at the expense of your colleagues. It's that sense of unity that I've felt was lacking in all my life. I like the idea of being a part of a group. Again, I know I would never totally fit in, but I can still appreciate it and try to contribute if I was there.

Click to shrink...

I mean, if that's the culture you're looking for you can find it in America. Look at communes, co-ops, and other things like it. Look into Socialism. Start volunteering and helping others. You can't expect help from a community you won't help out yourself. You wanting to run away and join another culture that may not even have the answers your looking for, instead of staying to fix the one you're currently living in, is very much your "look out for number 1, and fuck everyone else" way of thinking.

Also someone's gender != someone's culture. What a terrible comparison that was. Most people with a form of gender dysphoria feel like that very early in their life as it's usually a conflict with societal norms and ones sense of self (ie. being raised male while you identify as female). Pining for another culture is learned behavior after experiencing it, or having a desire to experience it. This is like saying being gay is a choice, and is a dangerous way of looking at things.

 

[TaySan]

This is a common thing I hear, but I disagree. I romanticize it for more than just the surface level stuff.

Lack of money is part of the reason I haven't really looked into any opportunities. I'm terrible at saving. Are you saying that there are other job placement programs that don't require a bachelor's degree like something like JET does? That's part of been what's holding me back. I'm only about a year from my bachelor's, but the money out before I could finish it. I'm having trouble saving, because gaming is too expensive of a hobby, and I often spend money I shouldn't as a coping mechanism from my depression. I hate it, but I can't seem to break it.



Maybe that's true, but there other reasons beyond the people I love it there. I love the locations. Whenever I've been to Japan, just waking up there felt better than any day I've woken up at home. I felt safer there than I've ever felt walking in a big city in America.

Click to shrink...

Visiting Japan as a tourist and living there are two completely different ballgames.

 

[Shantae]

I mean, if that's the culture you're looking for you can find it in America. Look at communes, co-ops, and other things like it. Look into Socialism. Start volunteering and helping others. You can't expect help from a community you won't help out yourself. You wanting to run away and join another culture that may not even have the answers your looking for, instead of staying to fix the one you're currently living in, is very much your "look out for number 1, and fuck everyone else" way of thinking.

Also someone's gender != someone's culture. What a terrible comparison that was. Most people with a form of gender dysphoria feel like that very early in their life as it's usually a conflict with societal norms and ones sense of self (ie. being raised male while you identify as female). Pining for another culture is learned behavior after experiencing it, or having a desire to experience it. This is like saying being gay is a choice, and is a dangerous way of looking at things.

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And how do you know that? My parents tell me I was always into Japanese things from a young age. From like Hello Kitty as a toddler, to studying karate as a kid, watching Japanese cinema, to just enjoying the culture and music, it sounds like I was into Japan before I can even remember.

Gender traits is something that is learned as well. At one time, it was considered masculine for men to have long flowing hair, but times changed and it's considered more masculine to have short hair.

 

[Deleted member 10629]

If there's something I've recently learned is that Japan is a really shitty place to live even if you're Japanese lol

And how do you know that? My parents tell me I was always into Japanese things from a young age. From like Hello Kitty as a toddley, to studying karate as a kid, watching Japanese cinema, to just enjoying the culture and music, it sounds like I was into Japan before I can even remember.

Gender traits is something that is learned as well. At one time, it was considered masculine for men to have long flowing hair, but times changed and it's considered more masculine to have short hair.

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Consuming Japanese media and actually having to deal with the people and culture on a daily basis are wildly different things. Not because I like Mozart means I'd make it in Germany.

 

[Mekanos]

I loved visiting Japan, it's a beautiful country, but I could never live there I don't think unless I had tons of money and learned a new language easily. Maybe when I retire, lol.

 

[spam musubi]

YES! This is something I couldn't articulate before, but yes. In America, the culture seems to be about "look out for number 1, and fuck everyone else" even if it's at the expense of your colleagues. It's that sense of unity that I've felt was lacking in all my life. I like the idea of being a part of a group. Again, I know I would never totally fit in, but I can still appreciate it and try to contribute if I was there.

Click to shrink...

As a non-japanese person,you will never be part of the group though. Things like being able to rent/own a place, open a bank account, get a job etc will always be harder for you because of the way you look.

It's funny because this is also a metaphor for white privilege in America.

 

[Mekanos]

You can't really be "part" of a culture unless you're born into it or if there's an officially recognized ceremony to induct new members (see religion). You might see that as unfair but that's how culture exists today and it is often tied to race. Obviously you can consume Japanese culture, you can become a Japanese citizen, but due to the race element you will likely always be an outsider of some sort.

I mean, shit, look how badly America treats minorities that don't conform to typical white American culture... or even when they do!

 

[Shantae]

I just want a point out that a lot of people keep getting hung on the idea that "oh no, you're shouldn't move to Japan" and "stop idolizing it".

Often times in a similar discussion where I'm talking about my mental health, someone would tell me "go to a therapist". When I did go to a therapist, you know she told me "Go to Japan", "why don't you move there?" she would say because she saw how I glowed when I talked about it.

It's just I don't know what's right and what's wrong. People would tell me go to therapy, but then people will say don't do what the therapist told you.

 

[Mekanos]

I just want a point out that a lot of people keep getting hung on the idea that "oh no, you're shouldn't move to Japan" and "stop idolizing it".

Often times in a similar discussion where I'm talking about my mental health, someone would tell me "go to a therapist". When I did go to a therapist, you know she told me "Go to Japan", "why don't you move there?" she would say because she saw how I glowed when I talked about it.

It's just I don't know what's right and what's wrong. People would tell me go to therapy, but then people will say don't do what the therapist told you.

Click to shrink...

Well you don't just listen blindly to what people tell you to do, you contextualize it and try to decide for yourself. (Personally I've had a couple of rubbish therapists, not saying this one is, but they aren't the gospel truth.)

I think if you really want to move to Japan and think you'd be happier there, you should genuinely try to do so. You should probably establish like, a plan for that though. What does that look like? Trying to save money? Take Japanese lessons? Figure out a career path for Japan? It's less "don't go to Japan ever" and more "don't pack all your bags and fly to Japan next week." Goes without saying as well to take COVID into consideration.

 

[crienne]

I just want a point out that a lot of people keep getting hung on the idea that "oh no, you're shouldn't move to Japan" and "stop idolizing it".

Often times in a similar discussion where I'm talking about my mental health, someone would tell me "go to a therapist". When I did go to a therapist, you know she told me "Go to Japan", "why don't you move there?" she would say because she saw how I glowed when I talked about it.

It's just I don't know what's right and what's wrong. People would tell me go to therapy, but then people will say don't do what the therapist told you.

Click to shrink...

Not gonna mince words here. Therapists all have different methods of doing things, and I've been to several in my life (almost 36 years old). I would NEVER want a therapist to just blindly say "follow your dreams cause you sound so happy about it". They should be looking to help you solve your issues with your current environment, not encouraging you to just run away from your fears into some self-made idealized world.

I know this is going to come off as mean-spirited, and you can ignore me if you want, but I've had similar thoughts before. The only difference is my Japan was instead suicidal ideation. It was still looking for a (relatively) easy way out. But now I'm medicated and have done years of therapy and it's made me happier than I thought I could be. Granted moving to Japan is a safer route because you can, you know, come back from that.

 

[Deleted member 10629]

I just want a point out that a lot of people keep getting hung on the idea that "oh no, you're shouldn't move to Japan" and "stop idolizing it".

Often times in a similar discussion where I'm talking about my mental health, someone would tell me "go to a therapist". When I did go to a therapist, you know she told me "Go to Japan", "why don't you move there?" she would say because she saw how I glowed when I talked about it.

It's just I don't know what's right and what's wrong. People would tell me go to therapy, but then people will say don't do what the therapist told you.

Click to shrink...

Because you seem to be sold on the idea that you will be happy from day 1 once you arrive there. Maybe you'll get an endorphine shot from your brain but then you'll be left with the 'now what'. Not to mention, if you're not proficient with the language, you're gonna have harder time to connect with people there, and this once you learn the ropes of how to interact with people. My advice is to contextualize why you want to go there. If the answer is 'to be happy', that's quite a broad range of things. What would you do in Japan that will make you happy there?

 

[Jintor]

When I moved to Japan I was crushingly lonely and depressed for near a year and that was with an in built professional support network and in an English learning community. It got better but I don't think it's going to immediately solve all your issues unless you work on yourself first.

 

[Morrigan]

While you're clearly in pain and we hope you get the help that you need, we are closing this thread because it contains too much bigotry to be acceptable by our ToS. In the opening post alone, we have misogyny, transphobia, orientalism, as well as mischaracterizing and appropriating oppression from marginalized groups, which are all against our ToS. You also doubled down a number of those things in follow-up posts.

No one is immune from the ToS, and as such, we are closing this to further replies.