I feel permanently damaged since the break up
- Thread starter BeforeU
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A year to get over a relationship like that is not enough. Try to always remember the worst part of the relationship when you remember your ex. That way to you can condition your mind to associate negative feeling towards her. You move on faster, but it's going to take a while. It took me an embarrassing amount of time to get over someone I dated for a very short while.
Edit: looking back, the pain was very real and it significantly impacted me emotionally. But looking back at it, I can see how unreasonable I was. It feels kinda embarrassing.
Edit: looking back, the pain was very real and it significantly impacted me emotionally. But looking back at it, I can see how unreasonable I was. It feels kinda embarrassing.
I broke up with my gf of 5 years, 4 years ago, and while it was hard, I don't regret the choice. It was my choice, and I feel to this day that it was the right one because we weren't going to spend the rest of our lives in happily wedded bliss.
Why did you break up, and what do you regret about it? Coming to terms with that, perhaps with a therapist, is probably your best bet.
Why did you break up, and what do you regret about it? Coming to terms with that, perhaps with a therapist, is probably your best bet.
listen. it's always going to be like this. you went through a long relationship and it didn't end well. that pain is there. it'll be there for a long fucking time.
then one day it won't. instead of the pain being up front, it'll be numbed. day by day. sometimes it'll hit you harder one day than it usually does, but it'll pass.
eventually you'll find a way to compartmentalize it. then eventually it'll be in your past and then lastly it'll just be history that informs your future and the hurt will be less and the damage won't be as severe.
understand tho it'll always be there. it's now a part of who you are as a person and it will inform decisions you make in the future. just don't let it be the only way you make decisions for your future.
then one day it won't. instead of the pain being up front, it'll be numbed. day by day. sometimes it'll hit you harder one day than it usually does, but it'll pass.
eventually you'll find a way to compartmentalize it. then eventually it'll be in your past and then lastly it'll just be history that informs your future and the hurt will be less and the damage won't be as severe.
understand tho it'll always be there. it's now a part of who you are as a person and it will inform decisions you make in the future. just don't let it be the only way you make decisions for your future.
I think when people say "time" they mean context. Like, you need new memories and new experiences and relationships to sort of overwrite the old ones. There is definitely a "tear that hangs inside your soul forever" thing, but you need to create new context. You'll lose a part of you, but it might be better than being miserable.
To be honest, when you care about them THAT much it doesn't really go away, you just learn to live with it more and more. I'm on year 4 with my thing, still think about her every day in some capacity, it just no longer bothers me, but the thought is not quite gone yet.
I fucked up my life with alcohol when I was in my mid-twenties.
Been like 8 years since I've had a drop. I still think about it OP. It's better now, and a lot better, but I still struggle with those thoughts. You may always have to deal with your own history, but remember that there is nothing you can do about the past but let it define you, and I'm sure you don't want to be defined by such things. Understand your pain and frustration, but don't let it own and operate your life. Live through it, not with it.
Been like 8 years since I've had a drop. I still think about it OP. It's better now, and a lot better, but I still struggle with those thoughts. You may always have to deal with your own history, but remember that there is nothing you can do about the past but let it define you, and I'm sure you don't want to be defined by such things. Understand your pain and frustration, but don't let it own and operate your life. Live through it, not with it.
There have been multiple studies surrounding the loss of relationships, and the general consensus seems to be that it takes anywhere from a year to two years, depending on the person, the relationship, etc. The truth is that if you really loved her, you're never going to forget that, and there's always going to be some pain at the loss, but after a year or two it should diminish an not be in you face all the time.
I nearly lost my mind.. but that was years ago and now i look back and laugh at how stupid i was acting.
You'll be fine OP just take time and find things that you enjoy
You'll be fine OP just take time and find things that you enjoy
I absolutely lost myself after a long relationship ended. It's a fucking garbage feeling and it's ok to feel that way. You're doing everything right, but it does take time. How long? It could be a while. Fill your life with positive distractions.
Ignore the people that are saying "just get over it." They're being dumb jerks
Ignore the people that are saying "just get over it." They're being dumb jerks
Just try to remember the things you disliked about her. What did u fight over? Why did you ultimately break up with her? It's seriously an opposite if a funeral. Remind yourself what you hated about that individual and you'll see it was for the best going forward.
I've heard it said (and I agree) that it takes about 1/2 the time of a relationship to really, fully heal from it.
What this means is that a 4 year relationship would take 2 years, etc.
But man, OP, you're gonna be fine. Hang in there. It really is a cliche, but with time and distance from the relationship, you'll start to see that you're much better off without her. This stuff is never easy — and you've got a new girl, sounds like you're focused, you're definitely on a good path. Just stick with it.
What this means is that a 4 year relationship would take 2 years, etc.
But man, OP, you're gonna be fine. Hang in there. It really is a cliche, but with time and distance from the relationship, you'll start to see that you're much better off without her. This stuff is never easy — and you've got a new girl, sounds like you're focused, you're definitely on a good path. Just stick with it.
mine of 3 years left last month. It hurts, and I suspect it's going to hurt for while yet. I won't be going near any women for a while. It wouldn't be fair on them or me.
I just went through that and I want to give you some tips.
1. Accept that you need to pull the biggest turn around that you ever have. You need to get stronger and grow still.
2. Hit the gym. If you don't have a routine, message me and I'll give you mine.
3. Your current girlfriend could be wonderful if you let her. It takes time to build a bond, enjoy the process. Keep it light.
4. Yes things will remind you of her, wallow if you must, however if you hope to get back to feeling good again, you have to create new memories in place of those.
5. If you have the means, go on vacation.
6. You're not alone. There's many videos online of people expressing their breakups and what it took to overcome them. Watch those.
7. Give back to your friends and family. Don't close yourself off.
8. Stunt. Do things outside of your comfort zone.
Hope that helps OP.
1. Accept that you need to pull the biggest turn around that you ever have. You need to get stronger and grow still.
2. Hit the gym. If you don't have a routine, message me and I'll give you mine.
3. Your current girlfriend could be wonderful if you let her. It takes time to build a bond, enjoy the process. Keep it light.
4. Yes things will remind you of her, wallow if you must, however if you hope to get back to feeling good again, you have to create new memories in place of those.
5. If you have the means, go on vacation.
6. You're not alone. There's many videos online of people expressing their breakups and what it took to overcome them. Watch those.
7. Give back to your friends and family. Don't close yourself off.
8. Stunt. Do things outside of your comfort zone.
Hope that helps OP.
I'm sorry OP, that happens after such a break up. You may not be the same a year from now, let alone 5 years from now. Shit changes you.
Turned me into a monster, personally. Wasn't such a stretch for me anyway, though I'm okay with it. It's made me bitter and mean, but you know What most? It's made me very careful of who I allow to become close to me, and that's made it all worth it for me. Best you can hope for too I suppose.
Turned me into a monster, personally. Wasn't such a stretch for me anyway, though I'm okay with it. It's made me bitter and mean, but you know What most? It's made me very careful of who I allow to become close to me, and that's made it all worth it for me. Best you can hope for too I suppose.
As someone who's struggling at the 4 month mark following the breakup of my 17 year relationship, the next 33 years and 8 months are going to fly by. Yay.
Wow. Man. I'm SO sorry. I can't even imagine that. My advice is one thing that always helps me get over break ups is to fall in love with someone else. Maybe, when you're a little more ready, try putting yourself back out there? Good luck! You got this.
Keep distracting yourself with new things. New food, new hobby, new people, etc. It will get better the more you put it out of your mind.
What kind of asshole do you have to be to post shit like this. Unbelievable.
OP I think you are overreacting to this situation. Thinking about someone you were with for five years is perfectly normal and there's no reason to feel like you're doing something wrong or need to be "fixed" over it. I think the bigger issue here is your negative reaction to these thoughts in the first place. While hard to change, a good start would be finding respect and understand from a slightly more neutral perspective for both your ex' and your own actions.
I do not particularly agree with people telling you to suddenly start doing things you're not even interested in just to distract yourself. You're honestly fine the way you are. I think that energy is better spent on reflecting over who you are why you're reacting like this (which again, is fine) to gain more insight and wisdom.
I do not particularly agree with people telling you to suddenly start doing things you're not even interested in just to distract yourself. You're honestly fine the way you are. I think that energy is better spent on reflecting over who you are why you're reacting like this (which again, is fine) to gain more insight and wisdom.
Write a dream journal, it will help you recall your dreams a lot easier. The reason you want to do this is because you have way to much emotion that you are unable to deal with it.
If you can deal with them when you sleep, it might help you progress further with your healing. How often do you cry? I never used to but now a good cry is exactly what I need. Who cares about the time or location, just do it.
If you can deal with them when you sleep, it might help you progress further with your healing. How often do you cry? I never used to but now a good cry is exactly what I need. Who cares about the time or location, just do it.
Breakups are horrible. Is this your first serious breakup?
I don't think there are any magical words to say to you to make you suddenly get over her and feel happy. What you need to do is surround yourself with people that care about you - friends, family, co-workers if there are any. Get yourself busy - work, activities, hobbies, movies, tv shows, gaming, etc (although it sounds like you got this part covered already which is great). Whatever to keep your mind busy and not dwell in the negativity and depression that comes from breakups.
Always know that feeling like shit is common and don't be too hard on yourself, some people can move on easily and some don't, it's very subjective and tied to how deep was your connection.
I was a real mess during my first breakup and I couldn't get her out of my head for a real long time, probably up to a year as well. As cliche as it is, time really does heal it all. I know you may not believe it but don't give up hope, and try focusing on your current partner! Don't compare her to your ex, every person is different and unique in his own way.
Good luck mate!
I don't think there are any magical words to say to you to make you suddenly get over her and feel happy. What you need to do is surround yourself with people that care about you - friends, family, co-workers if there are any. Get yourself busy - work, activities, hobbies, movies, tv shows, gaming, etc (although it sounds like you got this part covered already which is great). Whatever to keep your mind busy and not dwell in the negativity and depression that comes from breakups.
Always know that feeling like shit is common and don't be too hard on yourself, some people can move on easily and some don't, it's very subjective and tied to how deep was your connection.
I was a real mess during my first breakup and I couldn't get her out of my head for a real long time, probably up to a year as well. As cliche as it is, time really does heal it all. I know you may not believe it but don't give up hope, and try focusing on your current partner! Don't compare her to your ex, every person is different and unique in his own way.
Good luck mate!
2 months in after my gf ended our 6 year relationship.
It's not easy and it won't be easy for a long time. Just gotta hang in there bro.
It's not easy and it won't be easy for a long time. Just gotta hang in there bro.
Like other people have said, a year is not a whole lot of time. It took me nearly two to really get over a particular break up. It seems like you're on the right track though. Don't worry, we've all been through this.
If possible i'd suggest taking a sabatical from work and going traveling, make some new memories, friends, see the world and get away from all the reminders for awhile. When you get back you'll look at life in a whole new way.
I know what you mean. My relationship of 3 years ended in december and I still feel pretty damn bad every day. Even when there were many points in the relationship where I was close to ending it. It just feels so bad to see someone you care about disappear from your life completely. It's surreal.
My last girlfriend and I were together for almost five years. Lived together for nearly two. We broke up. It was a mutual thing. I got over it. I guess she did too. Life goes on.
OP, you're too young to dwell on this type of shit. I'm assuming you're around my age (29). Anyway, it sounds like you have made a lot of positive changes too. Don't throw that away, compromise that and fuck it up over your ex.
The past is the past. Learn from it, but don't it haunt you. Let her go.
Edit
This is easy for me to say because I've learned how to be indifferent. It helps dealing with a lot of hardship. Life is just too short to be miserable all the time. So, you might as well use what time you have for yourself. If others are willing to share that time with you, great. If not, then they're not worth the trouble trying to figure out. I wasted a lot of time trying to make others happy that couldn't ever be satisfied. Don't stress yourself out doing that.
Plus, I've accepted that everything ultimately comes to an end. That's just how things are. It's an axiom of the universe from the smallest of particles, to the most gargantuan celestial bodies, and everything in-between.
That's not saying everything is ultimately pointless. Instead, it magnifies the importance of the present. This is your moment and the only one you'll ever have. So make good use of it. You'll be alright.
OP, you're too young to dwell on this type of shit. I'm assuming you're around my age (29). Anyway, it sounds like you have made a lot of positive changes too. Don't throw that away, compromise that and fuck it up over your ex.
The past is the past. Learn from it, but don't it haunt you. Let her go.
Edit
This is easy for me to say because I've learned how to be indifferent. It helps dealing with a lot of hardship. Life is just too short to be miserable all the time. So, you might as well use what time you have for yourself. If others are willing to share that time with you, great. If not, then they're not worth the trouble trying to figure out. I wasted a lot of time trying to make others happy that couldn't ever be satisfied. Don't stress yourself out doing that.
Plus, I've accepted that everything ultimately comes to an end. That's just how things are. It's an axiom of the universe from the smallest of particles, to the most gargantuan celestial bodies, and everything in-between.
That's not saying everything is ultimately pointless. Instead, it magnifies the importance of the present. This is your moment and the only one you'll ever have. So make good use of it. You'll be alright.
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I'm good. You have bad days, you have great days. Best to talk to someone about it. Big enough to admit ive been suicidal over it all. But that isnt the answer for me.
I have met someone about 3 weeks ago. Really like her and she likes me as well. She went through this about a year ago, so she knows what's up.
Thank you for the concern.
From your OP, you seem to be doing everything correctly. You just need more time. It will go away.
I got over ex of 8 years very quick. She split up a family and just walked out. That is not a person I would want back. That's probably not going to help but I feel it's no use caring too much about someone who doesn't care for you.
To spin off from this, from a lot of therapy I've gone to, the reality is that we really can choose our thoughts, it just may not be easy to reign them in. We don't choose our emotions, but since we can change our thoughts, our thoughts can influence our emotions.
Acknowledge that you're sad and having trouble moving on. Accept that and feel it. But don't let it consume you. After you've had a cry and let it out, pick yourself back up, take a deep breath, and verbally, out loud, tell yourself "I'm going to make it through this because I'm strong, and I'm going to do/think about something more helpful and positive for me to be able to do that right now." Then do or think something else and commit to it. Divert thoughts that make you relish or remain in the past. Focus on mindfulness. Focus on absorbing the present moment, the trees around you, the air in your lungs, the meal you're eating, and discipline your thoughts to divert from the past or the future, something we have no control over.
Something else that can help is moving or changing jobs to start fresh. It's good you go to therapy. Keep doing it and try to focus on learning mindfulness. Google it. It really helps.
I think you and I have the same tactics, friend *hi 5*
Also
You should go to hawaii
Time heals, keep your mind busy, get rid of stuff that reminds you of her, go out with friends, try dating (successfully or not, it's nice to see what's out there; I can guarantee one of them will be better than the girl you were with) (A "Mila Kunis" if you will), and eventually you'll be fine and saying yourself....
You can control yourself and your thoughts. It's not easy to shake some of the grief and pain, but it is something you can do; you're your own master. People deserve to be with someone who doesn't make them feel that kind of hurt.
Time is always the key. You've got many more years ahead of you and an almost infinite option of potential partners and friends.
I'm now at just about 2 months removed from a break up of a 4 year relationship. Personally, moving away has helped me immensely. I decided to move from Brooklyn back near my family in Lancaster PA. Just being in the city was incredibly difficult for me, as pretty much everything brought back memories, and made my existing depression even worse. Now that I've relocated I've given myself a chance to reset. And I still have friendly contact with my ex which is nice since it wasn't a bad breakup. Still, I'll get those moments after a long hard day where the emotion just sort of takes hold of me, where I miss coming home to my GF and my cat, and I just want to burst into tears, but that's just how it goes. I know in time the feeling of loss will dissipate. It's just part of the process.
Time heels most things, but especially break ups. When I was younger I had a 3 year relationship end that I thought I would just never get over for the rest of my life. It did take a year+ to get over, but I eventually was able to fully move on. I learned from that experience that it doesn't have to feel like the end of the world, most relationships just come to a end at some point. Life goes on.
The guy I'm moving in with is currently trying to keep equal custody of his children. His ex wife is fighting to take away his current 50/50 visiting rights. I just met him and he had trouble holding back tears just at the mention of it. I know in the scheme of things my breakup really isn't bad.
I'm now at just about 2 months removed from a break up of a 4 year relationship. Personally, moving away has helped me immensely. I decided to move from Brooklyn back near my family in Lancaster PA. Just being in the city was incredibly difficult for me, as pretty much everything brought back memories, and made my existing depression even worse. Now that I've relocated I've given myself a chance to reset. And I still have friendly contact with my ex which is nice since it wasn't a bad breakup. Still, I'll get those moments after a long hard day where the emotion just sort of takes hold of me, where I miss coming home to my GF and my cat, and I just want to burst into tears, but that's just how it goes. I know in time the feeling of loss will dissipate. It's just part of the process.
Time heels most things, but especially break ups. When I was younger I had a 3 year relationship end that I thought I would just never get over for the rest of my life. It did take a year+ to get over, but I eventually was able to fully move on. I learned from that experience that it doesn't have to feel like the end of the world, most relationships just come to a end at some point. Life goes on.
The guy I'm moving in with is currently trying to keep equal custody of his children. His ex wife is fighting to take away his current 50/50 visiting rights. I just met him and he had trouble holding back tears just at the mention of it. I know in the scheme of things my breakup really isn't bad.
The truth hurts, and sometimes you need to hear it to move on. Who knows what OP needs he's been in this state for a year.
Personnaly something that helps the time needed, those things that trigger painful memories, do them again and again with other people so that you overwright those painful memory triggers with new ones. Whether that is a song, movie, food, or place, go there and do them with other people until they are associated with better memories.
Anecdotally as a divorcee, this isn't true. Though forget and move on are absolutely different things. You can move on pretty quickly and even be a better happier person after. You may never forget. It'll take time to remember the other person is human and let go of the personal slight, but going out and intentionally living can bring the loss into perspective pretty easily. The more you live outside the relationship the easier it is to keep living outside of it.
Anecdotally as a divorcee, this isn't true. Though forget and move on are absolutely different things. You can move on pretty quickly and even be a better happier person after. You may never forget. It'll take time to remember the other person is human and let go of the personal slight, but going out and intentionally living can bring the loss into perspective pretty easily. The more you live outside the relationship the easier it is to keep living outside of it.
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This is basically it bro.
Took me about 3 years and bumping into her at wedding to finally move on.
That kind of sounds like a cheesy movie haha