I am a black woman. I am also a moderator.
This bit of intersectionality has been one of the hardest weeks I as an individual have had to deal with in my life. Right now I'm sitting in my car with a cry-headache trying to leave to go to my brother's house. I barely have the energy.
It's been interesting to see both sides of the spectrum, where on one end my input in threads concerning black representation and issues is valuable because I can speak from life experience and knowledge, and then on the other end I get called a cop with all of the pain and irony that entails simply because I was the fool who said "yes" to volunteering.
I have simultaneously felt valued and valueless throughout this endeavor, and it's made me question whether or not I'm even a good person. I don't know how to parse the emotional toll, other than to just ignore it and make do with what I have and serve the community with the powe rand knowledge I myself have. Because I want this place to succeed. But I admit, my emotions have been all over the place.
That's all. I figured the most appropriate thread to open up in would be this one. To anyone who has given me and the other staff members a kind word, thank you. To anyone else who is dissatisfied with our performance: I understand, and I still apologize. Just remember we are human too.
I will be taking a break. I'm not leaving the forum, or my position, but I think I've exhausted myself to the point where my basic mental and even physical faculties are beginning to degrade. Continuing in my state right now is not fair to myself or to the people who want better.
I don't know how long it'll be either. I guess just long enough to bounce back. I love you guys. See you later!
Hugs forever
Hey guys, if you want to know why I'm no longer a mod, I couldn't take it. I just couldn't. Most of yall know I'm soft as hell but feeling like I was going to be attacked for posting on the community I love was it. Sorry everyone. My mental health sucks as is, so it was for the best.
Still <3 you all
I was a mod, then an admin, and was an everyday staff member for 18 months. I retired in September. My average daily availability was around ten hours a day. I did it for as long as I could. The work here is the hardest thing I ever did.
When I started, I thought I would do it forever. I wanted to be a permanent volunteer. A fixture, even, for the community I loved. This was my home, and these were my people, and without this forum I would have nowhere else to go. The outside internet is a horrible and inhospitable place. Contributing to the maintenance and safety of this community and its members gave me immense satisfaction. It meant so much to me. This is something I've said many times here. I said it often because I never wanted anyone to doubt it. People still did, but it was still true and it still is.
How things were going on the forum dictated my entire life. Would I eat? Would I sleep? Would I cancel my plans? Would I call in sick to work? Would I talk to my wife that night? My existing blood pressure problems began to agitate and worsen. I developed insomnia because I'd be afraid to go to sleep. I went on emergency health hiatus before my wedding. I couldn't continue to do something that had such a dramatic impact on my life that had nothing to do with my family. I could have kept going if I was stronger. But I wasn't. I had so much going on and something had to go. I retired due to my deteriorated condition and how much worse I would get if I didn't make a change.
It ultimately was not a moment too soon. My father in law starts chemo on Tuesday.
I know exactly how much time and emotion it consumes to do this kind of work. It takes bravery. It takes sacrifice. It takes selflessness and compassion. It is prideless work. There is no such thing as a professional moderator. Nobody has the breadth of knowledge and context to address every single topic or situation with flawless judgment. We were just people, members of the community, trying their best for the benefit of everyone here. No decision is ever perfect, no situation is ever the same as one before it, and it never stops. However hard something hits you, or however long it took to resolve, the forum never stops. People always need you. There is always something happening somewhere. Doing that together for so long with so many people I cared so much about was one of the most enriching experiences of my life. But it was never, ever easy.
I have nothing but love and respect for the staff who keep trying, and keep working, and keep believing that a forum like ours must exist. A forum like this cannot exist without people like them. I never knew how much danger I would put myself in to help a stranger. I never knew how far I would go to serve people who don't know me. I never realized how much of myself I would give up in pursuit of an ideal. I don't regret a minute of it, but I couldn't do it anymore. The work people put in here, to me, is nothing short of heroism.
As a community, mod or member, we must love each other. We are all we have. If we cannot love each other, and trust each other, and believe in each other and why we are here, we will fail.
Thank you to everyone on staff who dedicates so much of their free time in pursuit of a better website. Thank you too to the members who wade in to topics that hurt them or cause them stress just to make reports and offer insight to situations as they develop. The difference between moderator and member is thinner than some think. All mods were members once. Many mods are now members again. So please have faith and be kind. We are all in this together.
Love you all, and glad to hear you prioritise mental health now. Thanks for all your hard work :)
