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I think I want to become a father.
- Thread starter SilentEagle
- Start date
It's only one more but at this point I'd probably not survive another kid.
"Since I am single for 9 months, I really want to marry with someone now and become a father after marriage ASAP. I know marriage and becoming a father means more responsibilities but I think I am ready for those mentally. Just wanted to share my thoughts."
Idk man, this doesn't sound like you're ready
Idk man, this doesn't sound like you're ready
I kind of feel like you're determined to misunderstand me. I never claimed OP would be a bad parent but their only reason given for wanting to be a father involved a very specific scenario that has no promise of happening and I've seen the fallout when it doesn't end up panning out. I brought it up so OP could talk about the desire for parenthood if the ideal situation was off the table. If nothing else, they probably want to be able to convey that to a future partner since right now it comes across as very spur of the moment and not well thought out.
I'm sorry that happened to you. It happened to me on a much smaller scale but thankfully my mom and I mended it and were close before she passed. It can definitely be extremely damaging if the parent never realizes they need to let go.
I hear you buddy, I feel the same way but don't rush into it with someone. It's gotta be the right person as they become a part of your life after the kid comes and you want to be sure they share your ideals and you can get along in case things don't work out.
Before you want to "marry asap" and "want to have a kid asap", I actually wonder if you are ready.
I do not know you in real-life, but all of the threads you posted showed you should first be happy and content with yourself, before you meet someone else and even have a kid with them.
1.) You got mad that a security at your old therapists place asked for your name.
2.) You got mad that your friend lost weight and talks about it.
3.) In a lot of your threads you constantly post that you are an academic with some sort of superiority.
4.) You got mad that another person at your workplace had the same name as you.
4.) You also said you want to become a professor at MIT, so how would that work when you want to have a kid ASAP as well as a wife asap (in terms of moving).
I have the feeling before you get a kid ASAP you should work on your other issues.
I do not know you in real-life, but all of the threads you posted showed you should first be happy and content with yourself, before you meet someone else and even have a kid with them.
1.) You got mad that a security at your old therapists place asked for your name.
2.) You got mad that your friend lost weight and talks about it.
3.) In a lot of your threads you constantly post that you are an academic with some sort of superiority.
4.) You got mad that another person at your workplace had the same name as you.
4.) You also said you want to become a professor at MIT, so how would that work when you want to have a kid ASAP as well as a wife asap (in terms of moving).
I have the feeling before you get a kid ASAP you should work on your other issues.
Yeah, I don't get the high-fives.
Real cart-before-horse framing in the OP. Almost cart-without-horse, reading the followup posts.
My wife and I have always been undecided on having kids. I'm starting to approach 40 and our careers and lives are beginning to stabilize, so we've discussed it a bit more.
If I'm honest, I think we're both not sure. I lean towards wanting one (or at most two) just because I feel I would regret it when I'm older. That my later years would feel empty without descendants in it. She agrees
The thing we both see as the con of HAVING kids is that neither of us feel the "need" to. We just think we'd regret it someday if we didn't.
My wife is also concerned that her anxiety issues and a history of bipolar disorder in my family (though not me directly) would mean we may be cursing a child with big problems. So I think if we did have kids she's leaning towards adoption just due to that, which I don't have any issue with.
It's all just a tricky decision to make if you are not 100% desperate to have a kid.
If I'm honest, I think we're both not sure. I lean towards wanting one (or at most two) just because I feel I would regret it when I'm older. That my later years would feel empty without descendants in it. She agrees
The thing we both see as the con of HAVING kids is that neither of us feel the "need" to. We just think we'd regret it someday if we didn't.
My wife is also concerned that her anxiety issues and a history of bipolar disorder in my family (though not me directly) would mean we may be cursing a child with big problems. So I think if we did have kids she's leaning towards adoption just due to that, which I don't have any issue with.
It's all just a tricky decision to make if you are not 100% desperate to have a kid.
something always got in the way for my wife and myself having children. It's my one big regret. We're both in our late 40's. It's not going to happen.
OP
OP
Surprised that you remembered all of these lol
I used antidepressants for 2 months and I feel a lot better now. I was so toxic time to time even talking to my father could make me angry back then. Now I feel much better. But I am still trying to be better person.
Kids are the best. It's not easy, but it's very satisfying.
IMO, the hardest thing about having kids is that it puts pressure on your relationship and the flaws you have in your relationship. Kids don't "make the problems in a relationship," but they often bring those problems to the forefront. IMO it's good to be in a solid relationship where you have those fundamentals down so when the kid inevitably pushes on the weak spots of your relationship, you know how to work through it with your partner. So I would not rush into a relationship eager to have kids, or that be the reason you want a relationship. You need to establish a solid relationship and then add kids to it as part of the relationship, not vice versa, someone will get hurt, and that can hurt your kids.
Someone mentioned an anecdote on page 1 about someone they knew who always wanted a boy and struggled to be a good father when they had a daughter. In life, whenever I thought about being a dad, I always thought about it from the perspective of having a son because I had a good relationship with my dad, and so I'd think like "oh yeah, tossing the football, playing basketball, going to basketball games, watching pro wrestling, playing videogames," etc, the things I did with my dad. I was indifferent to having a girl or boy and was good with either, genuinely didn't care either way once we knew we were having a girl. And now after having a girl for ... 5+ years, I now can't even imagine how to be a dad to a boy hahaha... We have a boy due in a few weeks, but so much of my identity over the last 5 years has been "being a girl dad" ... I'm now like "what... do I do..." hahaha. I'm sure I'll figure it out, but it's just funny how that's flipped.
5 years ago I had never done anybody's hair in my life, now I'm doing these crazy braids every day (youtube!). I always wore whatever I found in the drawers as a kid, and now I'm mixing and matching a thule skirt, tights, a princess tshirt and something to go over it. I sew my girl's clothes when they rip. And now like I don't even know what to do for boys, hahaha.
IMO, the hardest thing about having kids is that it puts pressure on your relationship and the flaws you have in your relationship. Kids don't "make the problems in a relationship," but they often bring those problems to the forefront. IMO it's good to be in a solid relationship where you have those fundamentals down so when the kid inevitably pushes on the weak spots of your relationship, you know how to work through it with your partner. So I would not rush into a relationship eager to have kids, or that be the reason you want a relationship. You need to establish a solid relationship and then add kids to it as part of the relationship, not vice versa, someone will get hurt, and that can hurt your kids.
Someone mentioned an anecdote on page 1 about someone they knew who always wanted a boy and struggled to be a good father when they had a daughter. In life, whenever I thought about being a dad, I always thought about it from the perspective of having a son because I had a good relationship with my dad, and so I'd think like "oh yeah, tossing the football, playing basketball, going to basketball games, watching pro wrestling, playing videogames," etc, the things I did with my dad. I was indifferent to having a girl or boy and was good with either, genuinely didn't care either way once we knew we were having a girl. And now after having a girl for ... 5+ years, I now can't even imagine how to be a dad to a boy hahaha... We have a boy due in a few weeks, but so much of my identity over the last 5 years has been "being a girl dad" ... I'm now like "what... do I do..." hahaha. I'm sure I'll figure it out, but it's just funny how that's flipped.
5 years ago I had never done anybody's hair in my life, now I'm doing these crazy braids every day (youtube!). I always wore whatever I found in the drawers as a kid, and now I'm mixing and matching a thule skirt, tights, a princess tshirt and something to go over it. I sew my girl's clothes when they rip. And now like I don't even know what to do for boys, hahaha.
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Yeah OP do not jump into a marriage that quickly and so soon after ending one. More importantly do not rush into having kids. It's not a video game you speed run. It's hard as fuck and never stops while being rewarding all at once. It's not gonna fill whatever void you need filled "ASAP". This ain't the attitude to having kids.
This is harsh but you sound too young and not ready.
This is harsh but you sound too young and not ready.
I did not want kids.
My wife did.
I was firing blanks!
Wife became really depressed.
We finally did IVF.
My son is my favorite person in the whole world. I could not imagine him not existing. He may have killed the marriage (TBD), but I would change nothing.
Because of IVF, I also have another bio-son and bio-daughter a couple thousand miles away. The kids all know they're full siblings. We all went to Disney a few years ago.
The thing that got me was realizing that every single relative in my direct line had reproduced, every one. If I did not reproduce, I would be the very first failure in my direct line in over 2 BILLION years.
My wife did.
I was firing blanks!
Wife became really depressed.
We finally did IVF.
My son is my favorite person in the whole world. I could not imagine him not existing. He may have killed the marriage (TBD), but I would change nothing.
Because of IVF, I also have another bio-son and bio-daughter a couple thousand miles away. The kids all know they're full siblings. We all went to Disney a few years ago.
The thing that got me was realizing that every single relative in my direct line had reproduced, every one. If I did not reproduce, I would be the very first failure in my direct line in over 2 BILLION years.
Yeah, this. Let it come a bit more naturally rather than jumping into a relationship with the sole goal of becoming a father. You may be able to find a partner with the same mindset, but if not it may come across a bit desperate or outright weird to be honest. And I don't think it's the healthiest way to think about it.
At any rate, I wish you the best OP. Fatherhood has changed my life and it really is great. A lot of work though! Your life is no longer truly yours - it really belongs to your kids and by extension the family/group unit. I don't think I truly understood that till it happened to me. And when I look back, it made me a lot more cognizant of my own relationship with MY father, and what he did for my family. The exact same goes for moms too.
This is so true, I don't want to put you off or anyone off but be prepared for your anxiety to quadruple. If your child gets ill, it's the worst feeling, but it is all worth it.
Getting medicated is one small piece. Medication can help a lot, but its effectiveness can wax and wane. You will likely at some point have to change dosages and medications. And you should be pursuing help from medical professionals at the same time, and working on yourself in your own ways.
If you've only been on them for 2 months than your body is still getting acclimated to them—meaning you could still be riding waves of side-effects like anxiety and mild mania...the kinds of things that might make someone vomit out "I've been single for months and when I find another partner I want to get married and have kids right away."
Becoming a father is a fine aspiration, but it should be a far-off, amorphous goal for someone in the position and mindset you have depicted yourself as being in across all these threads. Continue to work on yourself, put yourself out there. But do not fixate on this.
It's weird to bring this up, when, like, nobody is being like that in this thread?
Some people just (quite rightly, IMO) think that OP should maybe slow his roll a little bit and process their feelings and not go into a relationship with the explicit goal "to marry with someone now and become a father after marriage ASAP." Nobody is saying he can't ever have children or shouldn't ever have children.
That's what "got you"? That's what made you want to commit to raising a child?
some fucking wild perspectives on parenthood here
It's good that you've had this realisation, it's an important one everyone should reach or not reach eventually. Just remember that a healthy relationship shouldn't have kids as its building blocks. Focus on finding someone you get along with, with similar values, obviously who also wants kids one day and don't rush things simply because you want to be a Dad.
This is for your sake, for your future partner's sake and most importantly for your kids sake. Your kids basis for what a healthy relationship looks like will be based on you and your partner.
This is for your sake, for your future partner's sake and most importantly for your kids sake. Your kids basis for what a healthy relationship looks like will be based on you and your partner.
Not really if you read the entire comment. It was about me, and questioning my own intentions. Not directed at anyone in this thread.
You shouldn't just cherry pick things 😂
I never wanted to be a father until I was with my (now) wife for a few years. Then it felt right. And making babies is a lot of fun. Raising them is damn hard but I love 'em.
What's wrong with what I said specifically, if you actually want to have a non-drive by conversation?
OP
OP
I think I am used to people bringing up my old threads now lol
My parents and my close friends were saying I can be irritating often for years. And I always thought it's not because of me, it's because of other people. Yeah I had many toxic people in my life but after hearing this many times I thought there is a problem inside me. That's why I went to doctor and start medications. I am not a troll but I admit that I could be annoying person. Now I am trying to change. I am gonna start gym this week and not overthink about the world that much. Yes, I've deleted some of the topics because of people are reminding them in my every EtcetEra thread but I don't mind it. Because I know that some of the comments were 100% true.
Slightly odd framing aside, wanting to start a family is absolutely a legitimate reason for wanting a relationship, although less haste would be a virtue here.
As someone whose partner had 2 unplanned but ultimately unviable pregnancies before we decided to slow down a bit, plan a bit and then go for children it's very much something that shouldn't be decided on an impulse and without your partners take too.
Even if you find someone who does want to start a family, it's best to then time it right for you and not just jump in head first! Find someone who wants you and also wants a family, enjoy your time together and then go from there. You've skipped from 0 to baby grows which isn't viable nor advised.
As someone whose partner had 2 unplanned but ultimately unviable pregnancies before we decided to slow down a bit, plan a bit and then go for children it's very much something that shouldn't be decided on an impulse and without your partners take too.
Even if you find someone who does want to start a family, it's best to then time it right for you and not just jump in head first! Find someone who wants you and also wants a family, enjoy your time together and then go from there. You've skipped from 0 to baby grows which isn't viable nor advised.
Just so it's noted but not having a child wouldn't have made you a failure, and doesn't make anyone else a failure. No one should have a child out of some expectation they feel for simply being alive (since what you say is true for everyone).
Parents are all about being parents. Mine were all about me for the first few years too.
OP - consider adoption or fostering. Those folks are the true MVPs
You've tied self-worth and the concept of "success" to the ability or desire to reproduce. The end conclusion of that is that people who can't reproduce or choose not to are unworthy and "failures".
May be completely unintentional, but that is how it can and will read to a lot of people here - myself included.
Really?
Nature is completely absorbed with producing offspring to keep the billion year line going for whichever species one can think off. Why would human's be so different?
Sure it's completely biological determinism and you may disagree but a wild perspective it certainly is not. Evolution with natural selection through successive generations is a very real aspect of our observable reality and I can very much understand someone embracing that reality. Animals do much weirder things to ensure their genes get propagated further and keep their line going.
Now I myself can see evolution on a intellectual/spiritual level also that may supersede the biological imperative but I would say the spiritual view is the more wilder perspective.
Not to be that guy but I don't think anyone should have kids just because nature is "obsessed" with producing offspring. Children aren't things just to pump out because nature demands it.
While I think it's natural to think about and consider future relationships or parenting, I don't think it's paticularly healthy to put such a time sensitive pressure in it,
I'm sure you were exaggerating for effect, but building a healthy stable relationship with a partner is challenging enough without the immediate pressure of having children,
I certainly don't think you should be considering it as something that will alleviate other stresses or emotional needs,
Others have pointed out your post history, It sounds like you are taking positive steps to improve your mental wellbeing, that should be commended for that, but take your time with it, find happiness and fulfilment in yourself before committing to a plan for parenthood. Be kind to yourself first and foremost,
I'm sure you were exaggerating for effect, but building a healthy stable relationship with a partner is challenging enough without the immediate pressure of having children,
I certainly don't think you should be considering it as something that will alleviate other stresses or emotional needs,
Others have pointed out your post history, It sounds like you are taking positive steps to improve your mental wellbeing, that should be commended for that, but take your time with it, find happiness and fulfilment in yourself before committing to a plan for parenthood. Be kind to yourself first and foremost,
Being a father was and is the most important development in my life. I hope you can achieve your dream.
My goal is to have many kids and then have them fight over the inheritance when I fake my death.
OP
OP
Ah absolutely I want to do it with right person.
Well I don't prefer adoption. I want someone from my DNA.
When you know, you know.
It was only when I met my current partner when I was absolutely sure that I wanted to raise a family with her. Who you are with is so much more important than your own desire to be a father. You need to be on the exact same wavelength, you should be able to talk to eachother, bring up concerns, ask for help when you're struggling.
From this strong foundation I believe a happy family can grow.
I'm barely even in the thick of it now, my firstborn is 9 months old and I already can't imagine a life without her. She's such a happy baby and literally a walking and babbling physical manifestation of our love. There's truly nothing more special in the world to be part of. Deciding to nurture a child is by far the best thing that I ever did or ever will do. And that's something I never, ever expected myself to say.
That said, it's also likely the hardest thing you'll ever do. You are truly forced to confront some of the worst aspects of your own personality, that of your partner and your relationship together. You will be asked to make very real sacrifices to make it work and for some people that's just too much. That's why it's so important that the foundation has to be rock solid.
And honestly, I don't really want my children to grow up to be like me or like my partner. They are completely unique human beings with their own talents, interests, inclinations and shortcomings and it's my sole job as a parent to let them know i'll always be there for them no matter what happens, teach them good morals and pick them up when they've fallen down. They get to make their own mistakes, and choose their own path in life. And i'm simply along for the ride.
It was only when I met my current partner when I was absolutely sure that I wanted to raise a family with her. Who you are with is so much more important than your own desire to be a father. You need to be on the exact same wavelength, you should be able to talk to eachother, bring up concerns, ask for help when you're struggling.
From this strong foundation I believe a happy family can grow.
I'm barely even in the thick of it now, my firstborn is 9 months old and I already can't imagine a life without her. She's such a happy baby and literally a walking and babbling physical manifestation of our love. There's truly nothing more special in the world to be part of. Deciding to nurture a child is by far the best thing that I ever did or ever will do. And that's something I never, ever expected myself to say.
That said, it's also likely the hardest thing you'll ever do. You are truly forced to confront some of the worst aspects of your own personality, that of your partner and your relationship together. You will be asked to make very real sacrifices to make it work and for some people that's just too much. That's why it's so important that the foundation has to be rock solid.
And honestly, I don't really want my children to grow up to be like me or like my partner. They are completely unique human beings with their own talents, interests, inclinations and shortcomings and it's my sole job as a parent to let them know i'll always be there for them no matter what happens, teach them good morals and pick them up when they've fallen down. They get to make their own mistakes, and choose their own path in life. And i'm simply along for the ride.
Everyone should get space from their kids on a routine basis if possible. They are stressful, and you are still an individual with your own needs and desires.