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I've screwed up my life

Mar 9, 2018
360
I am 29. I will be thirty in May of next year.

At 27 I planned to buy a ticket to Wales and jump off a famous bridge. I had just earned a Michelin star working as one of three cooks in a Manhattan restaurant.
I thought I was in peak physical shape. Something felt so right about ending everything at the top.

Then I went to a concert and met a person who went back to school and turned their life around. I think when you're on the edge of suicide the voices of others can sometimes seem very profound.

I had just spent the last decade in and out of mental hospitals. I would get fired, get homeless, attempt suicide, and just go in and out.
At 27 I for the first time was somewhat stable.

So anyway I met that person and I came up with the plan to go to school. If she did it then I could.

I've been in school for a year now.Holding it all together has been so hard. I work as a cook, at a restaurant with pretensions to the Michelin standard.

They make it very clear that school can't distract me from work. I feel like work is so hard, and it is not stable.
School is very difficult. I am having so much trouble maintaining both.
I am going for women and gender studies. I decided on this as I like the subject a lot and I realized I wouldn't have time due to work for the more difficult majors. The ones with actual career opportunity.

I am sort of stuck on this hopeless trajectory. I feel any day now things can just go wrong, and I'm not sure if I'll fall apart entirely when they do.

I have this habit of operating in extremes. Where I either do well or I just fall completely apart.

Lately, the last few years, my anxiety has become extreme. My doctor gave me a diagnosis of PTSD from either sexual assault or being homeless. It started one night when I tried to go sleep, I just became so afraid that I had to scream out, but I always screamed silently at first. It's been three years of screaming most every night. I am afraid of school, I am afraid of work. I wake up in pain and fear. Sometimes it feels so heavy it's like walking with this huge pressure weighing down.
I have no real friends, just these hard-won acquaintances. I have a very strong personality and people often avoid me or hate me due to it.
I feel alone. So alone.
But whenever I'm with people, I get the strangest thoughts. Like I think about just randomly hitting them. When I'm with someone in the most docile of situations. I guess I no longer feel safe around people. I'm really scared to learn more about people. Right now I have this childish sensibility where I feel total shock from the capacity of people to be cruel. At work, at school. I have let people clos only to be deeply hurt too many times.

Oh, and a few months ago the pain was so intense that I screamed out loud in public. I was nervous about starting school, my phone died in the rain, and I was sitting in the dark at the laundromat hoping the new shoes I bought weren't ruined by the rain. I picked up a third job to buy them and for months I was walking around in shoes that had giant holes.

I don't know how to express how tired I am. Of everything. I don't have a future. For a second I thought I did. It's like that joy division song.

I feel stranded here. I didn't expect to live this long. A part of me feels like I've already died.
I have started to call my parents up every night. Sometimes my voice gets so choked with fear I have to hang up.

I want to die. I have no will left to live. I seem to be going from one nightmare to the next while I take on new pressures to try to leave the hell of poverty. Poverty is a small part of hell I think.
I don't want to continue living in this constant pain. I keep thinking I have escaped it for a brief but then it comes back in a new form.

I tried to tell my father about wanting to die. He told m it would mean nothing, I would just be another suicide. I was so upset by that interpretation .I want to die so the pain stops.

Part of me just wants to walk right now to the George Washington bridge and jump. I have romanticized it into thinking I would see the reflection, and just be flying away into the sky. When I think about death, I know that just before I die I'll be happy again for the first time in so long. I want to feel happy again.

I have heard so many people tell me to just keep continuing. I see myself getting older and I feel like I'm watching myself rot. I put on weight I never had before. I'm disgusted with my shape. I feel a disgust for everything, for food, for people, for any of life's distractions.
I just feel total disgust, almost like when I was sexually assaulted.

I met a girl in class. We're lab partners now. So I sent her all these study guides I made. For a second I would just interact with someone like a human again. The next class we didn't talk at all.

I've stopped cutting my skin. It started to hurt for the first time with new medicine. I still see all the scars, and I remember the first time I ever felt the urge to kill. I was homeless and it was hot. I was walking up Newbury St and suddenly I was so angry, and I realized I hated someone so much, and when I thought about everyone else. I loved everyone else. I still do. I just hated myself. I am someone who can be murdered.

I've been noticing that I always feel like I just watch from a distance as every horror in my life unfolds.
I feel like I've been split into so many different parts. I can never feel fully there in a moment, there's always this lingering dissonance.

I think something is going to go wrong soon, and I'm going to go wrong too, right into the trash, like spoiled milk. For the last eight or so years I've lived off of milk and junk food.

I think, there are all these very dark horror stories of just everyday lives in the world, and I'm living one of them, with every nightmare coming true. I have this childish side to me, that almost has died, which holds onto all the happy endings. It's like something gone cold that I'm trying to feel for.

I was writing a few days ago how similar life feels to being in Auschwitz. I was reading primo Levi. You just get the illusion of choice. It maybe more harmful than being given no choice at all.

I wish I had no choice.
I wish I wasn't now being crushed by things I have chosen, things which will faill, as I will fail, as my strength will give.

I don't know what holds me here. Sometimes I just wander randomly to places and live like a shadow.

It's so unreal how no one in NYC feels real to me. I feel like everyone is so impossibly far away. I see a therapist. She tells me to learn to think positively.

I'm sitting at the Oculus by the 9/11 memorial. I want to feel anything but feat.

I want to die. I don't want to be here anymore.

I started listening to Alice in chains for the first time. This whole album dirt I relate to so much.
I read the comments and you see so many people talking about suffering and early deaths.

When you try to kill yourself, for an instant the end of everything can you make you feel so profound.
Then you see all these wasted lives, and you realize how pointless it all is.

All was. I want to throw it all away. Never existed.
 

blame space

Resettlement Advisor
Member
Oct 25, 2017
4,539
i feel a lot of what you're saying. it's important to note that you would probably feel this way even if everything in your life was going what you consider "ideal".

our brains are wired different. it sucks, but it's not a valid reason to check out. i have moments where i can't see or where i think I'll black out because of anxiety, days (weeks in the past) where i won't leave my bed because of depression or emotional nihilism; i don't know what the solution is, but i know that for me, and probably for you, the solution isn't to stop trying.
 
OP
OP
Mar 9, 2018
360
i feel a lot of what you're saying. it's important to note that you would probably feel this way even if everything in your life was going what you consider "ideal".

our brains are wired different. it sucks, but it's not a valid reason to check out. i have moments where i can't see or where i think I'll black out because of anxiety, days where i won't leave my bed because of depression or emotional nihilism; i don't know what the solution is, but i know that for me, and probably for you, the solution isn't to stop trying.
Heh. Thank you. I read most of your posts I think.

Yeah maybe I shouldn't quit. I just feel so paralyzed by this reality that I am broken. I can't function like others do. I'm ruined.

I can keep going further but I can't be fixed to where I work. That's how I feel.
 

Rapscallion

Member
Oct 25, 2017
894
It sounds like you have a lot to offer the world, especially in your ability to share the things you’ve experienced. Being open about these things is a step in the right direction and I think you’ll find that others on here sometimes feel similar. Please don’t throw your life away.
 

CountAntonius

Member
Oct 25, 2017
7,096
You are much stronger than you know. To endure the pain you feel and still wake up to face it time after time. You've fought this long you owe it to yourself to keep striving for something more.
 
OP
OP
Mar 9, 2018
360
It sounds like you have a lot to offer the world, especially in your ability to share the things you’ve experienced. Being open about these things is a step in the right direction and I think you’ll find that others on here sometimes feel similar. Please don’t throw your life away.
I get this. I see an ugly side of this every now and again. Lots of poor African Americans will always talk about what they've endured. They often struggle to articulate it so it's just generalized. People look at them like they've opened a tomb. No one really cares how much you've suffered, how much you can endure. The healthy person who does well early on in school and is successful is always the model versus the late bloomer.
You are much stronger than you know. To endure the pain you feel and still wake up to face it time after time. You've fought this long you owe it to yourself to keep striving for something more.
I realize this and I'm afraid. There are so many days when I go into work feeling like I can't do it. Then I do. I know I have the capacity to hurt myself more, or push myself further. The part of me that wants to die, doesn't want to see myself continuously hurt by just trying to participate in life.
I know I am stronger than I think.
It just, it feels almost like a rape, like my will is always being taken from me and I'm being forced to produce. Like I said I feel like I am a spectator to my own life.
 

joecanada

Member
Oct 28, 2017
3,220
Canada
Hi OP I don't know how much you have already tried but I would recommend trying a regular medication routine for a while and/or new medications it can be challenging to find a combo that works but many people do find peace at least . Also trying a new therapist or telling them you need more / different help isn't a bad thing if needed
 

Nothing Loud

Member
Oct 25, 2017
3,409
Please don’t give up. There are medications that can help you stop thinking this rigidly unhappy. Please keep trying medications. It took me years to find the right psychiatrist and medical combination. But I’m glad I didn’t give up because I never would have gotten the chance to get things right if I had let myself die of sadness. Now I have the chance for happiness. You can too. Please keep trying. Suicide is a horrible permanent solution to a temporary problem now matter how constant or deep the problem appears to be.
 

PogChamp

The Fallen
Oct 27, 2017
5,738
I realize this and I'm afraid. There are so many days when I go into work feeling like I can't do it. Then I do. I know I have the capacity to hurt myself more, or push myself further. The part of me that wants to die, doesn't want to see myself continuously hurt by just trying to participate in life.
I know I am stronger than I think.
It just, it feels almost like a rape, like my will is always being taken from me and I'm being forced to produce. Like I said I feel like I am a spectator to my own life.
It sounds like you are really scared and deeply tired of your life in the big city. You feel like you are broken because you aren't producing enough, or not connecting enough.

That's ok. Because you can end this situation, without ending your life. If you want to live in a car and just ride around the country, you can do it. (shoutout to /r/vandwellers) Buying a small plot and living off the land, lots of people do that. It doesn't sound like you want to live in a big city with strangers you can't relate to anymore. Doesn't mean that's all there is to life and that you have to keep doing it forever. Hope you can find a goal to work towards that makes sense to you and is something you want to do. Rather than feeling like you are broken for not fitting into a system that grinds people up and spits them out.
 
OP
OP
Mar 9, 2018
360
Hi OP I don't know how much you have already tried but I would recommend trying a regular medication routine for a while and/or new medications it can be challenging to find a combo that works but many people do find peace at least . Also trying a new therapist or telling them you need more / different help isn't a bad thing if needed
I've been on the same combination of pills for the last year plus. Sometimes the pills just don't work unfortunately.
 
OP
OP
Mar 9, 2018
360
It sounds like you are really scared and deeply tired of your life in the big city. You feel like you are broken because you aren't producing enough, or not connecting enough.

That's ok. Because you can end this situation, without ending your life. If you want to live in a car and just ride around the country, you can do it. (shoutout to /r/vandwellers) Buying a small plot and living off the land, lots of people do that. It doesn't sound like you want to live in a big city with strangers you can't relate to anymore. Doesn't mean that's all there is to life and that you have to keep doing it forever. Hope you can find a goal to work towards that makes sense to you and is something you want to do. Rather than feeling like you are broken for not fitting into a system that grinds people up and spits them out.

This is interesting. I also love the city, if I hate the problems I encounter in it. I love the subway even if it sucks, and I got to see the fireworks which were really cool.

Thank you for the idea though.
 

joecanada

Member
Oct 28, 2017
3,220
Canada
I've been on the same combination of pills for the last year plus. Sometimes the pills just don't work unfortunately.
Yes but that can happen. You are right as well but there are also many combinations of different drugs, brands , and doses . It can be very tricky to find effective combos and takes years potentially.
I wouldn't just write that option off tell your Dr you need a new trial... or try a new Dr . They all have strengths and weaknesses
 

Nothing Loud

Member
Oct 25, 2017
3,409
I've been on the same combination of pills for the last year plus. Sometimes the pills just don't work unfortunately.
If meds aren’t working for you, it’s time for new meds. Your safety is paramount. This problem is temporary and the long term solution is the right dose and type of medication AND psychotherapy. For now, Maybe reach out to your parents to develop a safety plan for when you get severely depressed. Get your medications changed if they’re not working. I had to experiment for 2 years before I finally fixed it. My current treatment is a blend of mirtazapine, buspar, and abilify. You may have treatment-resistant PTSD or depression and that means the priority is finding a medication and therapy that reduces your symptoms and keeps you safe immediately.

You mentioned harming yourself and others so I think you might even be at a point to where you should consider hospitalizing yourself for safety, and developing a safety plan and treatment plan with new medications with the social worker at the hospital and a psychiatrist.
 
OP
OP
Mar 9, 2018
360
Yes but that can happen. You are right as well but there are also many combinations of different drugs, brands , and doses . It can be very tricky to find effective combos and takes years potentially.
I wouldn't just write that option off tell your Dr you need a new trial... or try a new Dr . They all have strengths and weaknesses
Yeah maybe. I just think the risk I run with other medications is they make you infertile. I'm on an antidepressant that doesn't do that and the trials have said it is highly effective for depression. I remember sitting in a hospital with multiple people who just didn't experience any relief from medication I think that is where I'm at and any medication will be ineffective. I don't want to run through Wellbutrin, Zoloft, Prozac, as they fuck you up in other ways with again, a possibility that they don't work.
 

Dmax3901

Member
Oct 25, 2017
3,042
You have a talent with words, that's for sure, even if the subject matter is your own suffering.
 

ButtIchesMan

Member
Aug 6, 2019
32
I feel you OP and i'd like to think i understand what you're going through. You can come out of it. You know what helped me?


John 16:33 These things I have spoken unto you, that in me ye might have peace. In the world ye shall have tribulation: but be of good cheer; I have overcome the world.

Matthew 5:3 Blessed are the poor in spirit: for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.

Matthew 11:28 Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. 19Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.

John 14:27 Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid.

I found peace in my life and i know you can too no matter how hard it seems, try honestly calling out to God exactly what you said in the OP, but instead of doing it on a message board do it through prayer and see if that doesn't help. i'll be rooting for you. God Bless
 
OP
OP
Mar 9, 2018
360
If meds aren’t working for you, it’s time for new meds. Your safety is paramount. This problem is temporary and the long term solution is the right dose and type of medication AND psychotherapy. For now, Maybe reach out to your parents to develop a safety plan for when you get severely depressed. Get your medications changed if they’re not working. I had to experiment for 2 years before I finally fixed it. My current treatment is a blend of mirtazapine, buspar, and abilify. You may have treatment-resistant PTSD or depression and that means the priority is finding a medication and therapy that reduces your symptoms and keeps you safe immediately.

You mentioned harming yourself and others so I think you might even be at a point to where you should consider hospitalizing yourself for safety, and developing a safety plan and treatment plan with new medications with the social worker at the hospital and a psychiatrist.
Yeah I'm on mirtazapine and clonidine and an antipsychotic.Also Xanax in extreme cases. I have tried other antidepressants but they made me worse in other ways.

Hospitalization is a last resort but I keep it open as an option.
 

Jeffolation

Member
Oct 30, 2017
1,366
Canada
Be careful with the Xanax. I ended up in rehab due to that and alcohol.

Been two years out from rehabilitation and I feel the storm clouds settling in. I feel like going back, at least in that bubble I felt something positive. My current job is going to drive me over the edge if I stay with it but the prospect of going back to school at 36 scares the shit out of me. I'm stuck, again and I just want to rest.
 
OP
OP
Mar 9, 2018
360
Be careful with the Xanax. I ended up in rehab due to that and alcohol.

Been two years out from rehabilitation and I feel the storm clouds settling in. I feel like going back, at least in that bubble I felt something positive. My current job is going to drive me over the edge if I stay with it but the prospect of going back to school at 36 scares the shit out of me. I'm stuck, again and I just want to rest.
[/Q

Yeah thanks. I only took it a couple of times when the fear and anxiety was out of control.

Yeah well I wish you lots of luck.
 

joecanada

Member
Oct 28, 2017
3,220
Canada
Yeah maybe. I just think the risk I run with other medications is they make you infertile. I'm on an antidepressant that doesn't do that and the trials have said it is highly effective for depression. I remember sitting in a hospital with multiple people who just didn't experience any relief from medication I think that is where I'm at and any medication will be ineffective. I don't want to run through Wellbutrin, Zoloft, Prozac, as they fuck you up in other ways with again, a possibility that they don't work.
Is the infertility a deal breaker? I mean it sucks for sure but if you feel that bad would you really want the added stress of a child ? I mean it's a terrible choice but I feel like if it's necessary to choose you should choose you first....
Also yeah you'll hear a lot of stories about people who don't get well on meds but it's like a news story.... mostly you only hear the bad ones. I've seen hundreds of patients have at least stability and relief from regular meds at psych hospitals .... most were worse off when they stopped taking the meds but that's how I know if you were in an institution for years they would try dozens of combinations. Since you are out in your own you kind of need to advocate that on your own .
Just some stability and peace seems to be your first goal ... a miracle drug may not be out there but you have a chance at some inner peace and even happiness I hope in your future . You've sure done alot along the way with your cooking and school it seems a waste to stop now. I've seen people waste away for 20 years in an institution you seem to have some real assets going for you. Real foundations in place from all your effort thus far. Is there some support group for ptsd you could attend ?
 
OP
OP
Mar 9, 2018
360
Is the infertility a deal breaker? I mean it sucks for sure but if you feel that bad would you really want the added stress of a child ? I mean it's a terrible choice but I feel like if it's necessary to choose you should choose you first....
Also yeah you'll hear a lot of stories about people who don't get well on meds but it's like a news story.... mostly you only hear the bad ones. I've seen hundreds of patients have at least stability and relief from regular meds at psych hospitals .... most were worse off when they stopped taking the meds but that's how I know if you were in an institution for years they would try dozens of combinations. Since you are out in your own you kind of need to advocate that on your own .
Just some stability and peace seems to be your first goal ... a miracle drug may not be out there but you have a chance at some inner peace and even happiness I hope in your future . You've sure done alot along the way with your cooking and school it seems a waste to stop now. I've seen people waste away for 20 years in an institution you seem to have some real assets going for you. Real foundations in place from all your effort thus far. Is there some support group for ptsd you could attend ?
Yeah I just don't think any other drug is going to work where this one doesn't. Mirtazapine allows me to also function which is key. Other antidepressants have many other side effects besides just infertility. There's no reason why this shouldn't be working.

I have no time right now with school for support groups. I am trying very hard to just hold everything together right now.
Most of what I'm writing is this whole other world that I can't really pay attention to but it's at the back of my mind.
 

zoltek

Member
Oct 25, 2017
486
You do a wonderfully insightful job of showing, not telling us, how you feel with just words alone. Your fear, anger, and pain are almost palpable. Have you thought about getting more into writing as a an outlet?

At the very least, we here in this forum can listen. To acknowledge. But there is an inherent impersonal nature to this mode of discussion. I wish you are able to find someone in real life to listen. I mean to really listen, not just treat you as another patient with a series of prescriptions. I think there are always more people in your life willing to listen than you might think. Find those people and embrace them. Finish your studies. Open your own Michelin star rated restaurant in 10 years. All the while keep sharing your story. There is always someone who will listen.
 

Nothing Loud

Member
Oct 25, 2017
3,409
Yeah I just don't think any other drug is going to work where this one doesn't. Mirtazapine allows me to also function which is key. Other antidepressants have many other side effects besides just infertility. There's no reason why this shouldn't be working.

I have no time right now with school for support groups. I am trying very hard to just hold everything together right now.
Most of what I'm writing is this whole other world that I can't really pay attention to but it's at the back of my mind.
Why are you giving up hope that a new medication wouldn’t work for you? There’s all sorts of old and new classes of antidepressants. It’s not like you have better options than trying a new med. A psychiatrist can help you try something new until something works. Abilify was the key for me in my buspar + mirtazapine regimen
 

WolfeTone

Member
Oct 25, 2017
275
OP I've been following your posts here for quite some time even though we've never interacted. Would it be fair to say this is a low point for you? Some of the things you've written this time, particularly about hurting others, seems more extreme than your last couple of threads. It could be that the added stress of school is plunging you deeper into despair.

Can you identify times or even moments in your life when you didn't feel like this or even where these feelings weren't so intense? What was different about those times?
 

Infinitebento

Member
Oct 25, 2017
2,009
c h i c a g o
As a chef who fully intended to kill herself one year ago, following a five year relationship ending + quitting being sous for someone mildly famous + complete mental collapse from constant over working paired with immense mental trauma from ptsd and several other disorders, I cannot emphasize enough that things will get better. I can relate to you on a lot of what you have gone through and I know how that sensation of drowning in that feels. It is possible for things to change but you have to keep going. Medication takes time to take control of what is drowning you. There are other resources in the meantime to help you process and work through all of your trauma.

You will be okay. The immense amount of pain and mental anguish you are in right now is not forever. There is help. Dying removes every chance for this to get better. We are here for you. Do not give up.
 
Oct 25, 2017
2,467
There is help. Dying removes every chance for this to get better.
This line of thinking helps me in difficult times, OP. Dying is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. As long as you breath there is a chance for your situation to improve. It may not be easy, and it definitely won't happen over night. But there is a road to a better life.
 
Oct 27, 2017
3,769
You should quit that restaurant job for something less stressful. Those jobs tend to break down even the most resilient workers.
People with unstable mental health like you should not expose themselves to that. Surely with your experience you can find a job that elevates you instead of being an additional weight that drowns you even further.