I am 29. I will be thirty in May of next year.
At 27 I planned to buy a ticket to Wales and jump off a famous bridge. I had just earned a Michelin star working as one of three cooks in a Manhattan restaurant.
I thought I was in peak physical shape. Something felt so right about ending everything at the top.
Then I went to a concert and met a person who went back to school and turned their life around. I think when you're on the edge of suicide the voices of others can sometimes seem very profound.
I had just spent the last decade in and out of mental hospitals. I would get fired, get homeless, attempt suicide, and just go in and out.
At 27 I for the first time was somewhat stable.
So anyway I met that person and I came up with the plan to go to school. If she did it then I could.
I've been in school for a year now.Holding it all together has been so hard. I work as a cook, at a restaurant with pretensions to the Michelin standard.
They make it very clear that school can't distract me from work. I feel like work is so hard, and it is not stable.
School is very difficult. I am having so much trouble maintaining both.
I am going for women and gender studies. I decided on this as I like the subject a lot and I realized I wouldn't have time due to work for the more difficult majors. The ones with actual career opportunity.
I am sort of stuck on this hopeless trajectory. I feel any day now things can just go wrong, and I'm not sure if I'll fall apart entirely when they do.
I have this habit of operating in extremes. Where I either do well or I just fall completely apart.
Lately, the last few years, my anxiety has become extreme. My doctor gave me a diagnosis of PTSD from either sexual assault or being homeless. It started one night when I tried to go sleep, I just became so afraid that I had to scream out, but I always screamed silently at first. It's been three years of screaming most every night. I am afraid of school, I am afraid of work. I wake up in pain and fear. Sometimes it feels so heavy it's like walking with this huge pressure weighing down.
I have no real friends, just these hard-won acquaintances. I have a very strong personality and people often avoid me or hate me due to it.
I feel alone. So alone.
But whenever I'm with people, I get the strangest thoughts. Like I think about just randomly hitting them. When I'm with someone in the most docile of situations. I guess I no longer feel safe around people. I'm really scared to learn more about people. Right now I have this childish sensibility where I feel total shock from the capacity of people to be cruel. At work, at school. I have let people clos only to be deeply hurt too many times.
Oh, and a few months ago the pain was so intense that I screamed out loud in public. I was nervous about starting school, my phone died in the rain, and I was sitting in the dark at the laundromat hoping the new shoes I bought weren't ruined by the rain. I picked up a third job to buy them and for months I was walking around in shoes that had giant holes.
I don't know how to express how tired I am. Of everything. I don't have a future. For a second I thought I did. It's like that joy division song.
I feel stranded here. I didn't expect to live this long. A part of me feels like I've already died.
I have started to call my parents up every night. Sometimes my voice gets so choked with fear I have to hang up.
I want to die. I have no will left to live. I seem to be going from one nightmare to the next while I take on new pressures to try to leave the hell of poverty. Poverty is a small part of hell I think.
I don't want to continue living in this constant pain. I keep thinking I have escaped it for a brief but then it comes back in a new form.
I tried to tell my father about wanting to die. He told m it would mean nothing, I would just be another suicide. I was so upset by that interpretation .I want to die so the pain stops.
Part of me just wants to walk right now to the George Washington bridge and jump. I have romanticized it into thinking I would see the reflection, and just be flying away into the sky. When I think about death, I know that just before I die I'll be happy again for the first time in so long. I want to feel happy again.
I have heard so many people tell me to just keep continuing. I see myself getting older and I feel like I'm watching myself rot. I put on weight I never had before. I'm disgusted with my shape. I feel a disgust for everything, for food, for people, for any of life's distractions.
I just feel total disgust, almost like when I was sexually assaulted.
I met a girl in class. We're lab partners now. So I sent her all these study guides I made. For a second I would just interact with someone like a human again. The next class we didn't talk at all.
I've stopped cutting my skin. It started to hurt for the first time with new medicine. I still see all the scars, and I remember the first time I ever felt the urge to kill. I was homeless and it was hot. I was walking up Newbury St and suddenly I was so angry, and I realized I hated someone so much, and when I thought about everyone else. I loved everyone else. I still do. I just hated myself. I am someone who can be murdered.
I've been noticing that I always feel like I just watch from a distance as every horror in my life unfolds.
I feel like I've been split into so many different parts. I can never feel fully there in a moment, there's always this lingering dissonance.
I think something is going to go wrong soon, and I'm going to go wrong too, right into the trash, like spoiled milk. For the last eight or so years I've lived off of milk and junk food.
I think, there are all these very dark horror stories of just everyday lives in the world, and I'm living one of them, with every nightmare coming true. I have this childish side to me, that almost has died, which holds onto all the happy endings. It's like something gone cold that I'm trying to feel for.
I was writing a few days ago how similar life feels to being in Auschwitz. I was reading primo Levi. You just get the illusion of choice. It maybe more harmful than being given no choice at all.
I wish I had no choice.
I wish I wasn't now being crushed by things I have chosen, things which will faill, as I will fail, as my strength will give.
I don't know what holds me here. Sometimes I just wander randomly to places and live like a shadow.
It's so unreal how no one in NYC feels real to me. I feel like everyone is so impossibly far away. I see a therapist. She tells me to learn to think positively.
I'm sitting at the Oculus by the 9/11 memorial. I want to feel anything but feat.
I want to die. I don't want to be here anymore.
I started listening to Alice in chains for the first time. This whole album dirt I relate to so much.
I read the comments and you see so many people talking about suffering and early deaths.
When you try to kill yourself, for an instant the end of everything can you make you feel so profound.
Then you see all these wasted lives, and you realize how pointless it all is.
All was. I want to throw it all away. Never existed.
At 27 I planned to buy a ticket to Wales and jump off a famous bridge. I had just earned a Michelin star working as one of three cooks in a Manhattan restaurant.
I thought I was in peak physical shape. Something felt so right about ending everything at the top.
Then I went to a concert and met a person who went back to school and turned their life around. I think when you're on the edge of suicide the voices of others can sometimes seem very profound.
I had just spent the last decade in and out of mental hospitals. I would get fired, get homeless, attempt suicide, and just go in and out.
At 27 I for the first time was somewhat stable.
So anyway I met that person and I came up with the plan to go to school. If she did it then I could.
I've been in school for a year now.Holding it all together has been so hard. I work as a cook, at a restaurant with pretensions to the Michelin standard.
They make it very clear that school can't distract me from work. I feel like work is so hard, and it is not stable.
School is very difficult. I am having so much trouble maintaining both.
I am going for women and gender studies. I decided on this as I like the subject a lot and I realized I wouldn't have time due to work for the more difficult majors. The ones with actual career opportunity.
I am sort of stuck on this hopeless trajectory. I feel any day now things can just go wrong, and I'm not sure if I'll fall apart entirely when they do.
I have this habit of operating in extremes. Where I either do well or I just fall completely apart.
Lately, the last few years, my anxiety has become extreme. My doctor gave me a diagnosis of PTSD from either sexual assault or being homeless. It started one night when I tried to go sleep, I just became so afraid that I had to scream out, but I always screamed silently at first. It's been three years of screaming most every night. I am afraid of school, I am afraid of work. I wake up in pain and fear. Sometimes it feels so heavy it's like walking with this huge pressure weighing down.
I have no real friends, just these hard-won acquaintances. I have a very strong personality and people often avoid me or hate me due to it.
I feel alone. So alone.
But whenever I'm with people, I get the strangest thoughts. Like I think about just randomly hitting them. When I'm with someone in the most docile of situations. I guess I no longer feel safe around people. I'm really scared to learn more about people. Right now I have this childish sensibility where I feel total shock from the capacity of people to be cruel. At work, at school. I have let people clos only to be deeply hurt too many times.
Oh, and a few months ago the pain was so intense that I screamed out loud in public. I was nervous about starting school, my phone died in the rain, and I was sitting in the dark at the laundromat hoping the new shoes I bought weren't ruined by the rain. I picked up a third job to buy them and for months I was walking around in shoes that had giant holes.
I don't know how to express how tired I am. Of everything. I don't have a future. For a second I thought I did. It's like that joy division song.
I feel stranded here. I didn't expect to live this long. A part of me feels like I've already died.
I have started to call my parents up every night. Sometimes my voice gets so choked with fear I have to hang up.
I want to die. I have no will left to live. I seem to be going from one nightmare to the next while I take on new pressures to try to leave the hell of poverty. Poverty is a small part of hell I think.
I don't want to continue living in this constant pain. I keep thinking I have escaped it for a brief but then it comes back in a new form.
I tried to tell my father about wanting to die. He told m it would mean nothing, I would just be another suicide. I was so upset by that interpretation .I want to die so the pain stops.
Part of me just wants to walk right now to the George Washington bridge and jump. I have romanticized it into thinking I would see the reflection, and just be flying away into the sky. When I think about death, I know that just before I die I'll be happy again for the first time in so long. I want to feel happy again.
I have heard so many people tell me to just keep continuing. I see myself getting older and I feel like I'm watching myself rot. I put on weight I never had before. I'm disgusted with my shape. I feel a disgust for everything, for food, for people, for any of life's distractions.
I just feel total disgust, almost like when I was sexually assaulted.
I met a girl in class. We're lab partners now. So I sent her all these study guides I made. For a second I would just interact with someone like a human again. The next class we didn't talk at all.
I've stopped cutting my skin. It started to hurt for the first time with new medicine. I still see all the scars, and I remember the first time I ever felt the urge to kill. I was homeless and it was hot. I was walking up Newbury St and suddenly I was so angry, and I realized I hated someone so much, and when I thought about everyone else. I loved everyone else. I still do. I just hated myself. I am someone who can be murdered.
I've been noticing that I always feel like I just watch from a distance as every horror in my life unfolds.
I feel like I've been split into so many different parts. I can never feel fully there in a moment, there's always this lingering dissonance.
I think something is going to go wrong soon, and I'm going to go wrong too, right into the trash, like spoiled milk. For the last eight or so years I've lived off of milk and junk food.
I think, there are all these very dark horror stories of just everyday lives in the world, and I'm living one of them, with every nightmare coming true. I have this childish side to me, that almost has died, which holds onto all the happy endings. It's like something gone cold that I'm trying to feel for.
I was writing a few days ago how similar life feels to being in Auschwitz. I was reading primo Levi. You just get the illusion of choice. It maybe more harmful than being given no choice at all.
I wish I had no choice.
I wish I wasn't now being crushed by things I have chosen, things which will faill, as I will fail, as my strength will give.
I don't know what holds me here. Sometimes I just wander randomly to places and live like a shadow.
It's so unreal how no one in NYC feels real to me. I feel like everyone is so impossibly far away. I see a therapist. She tells me to learn to think positively.
I'm sitting at the Oculus by the 9/11 memorial. I want to feel anything but feat.
I want to die. I don't want to be here anymore.
I started listening to Alice in chains for the first time. This whole album dirt I relate to so much.
I read the comments and you see so many people talking about suffering and early deaths.
When you try to kill yourself, for an instant the end of everything can you make you feel so profound.
Then you see all these wasted lives, and you realize how pointless it all is.
All was. I want to throw it all away. Never existed.
