Not sure if you've ever had the experience of injecting Sugar Free candy, but I have. I was ignorant to the fact that it contains Sorbitol-which is a SUPER laxative. I can not describe my experience but it was awful and painful.
Lo and behold on Amazon the reviews for this product are all about people's stories of shitting their brains out and it's hilarious.
Lo and behold on Amazon the reviews for this product are all about people's stories of shitting their brains out and it's hilarious.
The horror at 30,000 feet!
June 2, 2018
My flight was leaving at 8 in the morning. After awaking and trying to get to the airport, I forgot to grab something to eat. I usually take my time and do things in order, but not this day. I was traveling from Boston to LA coming home from a work trip. I do it regularly so nothing was new to me. I stayed in the same hotel and knew the time I needed to leave to get to the airport on time. During my work trip, I stopped at a convenience store and saw these gummy bears and thought they would be a perfect gift for my son Charlie. He loves gummy bears and gummy worms. So the morning I was to head back to LA, I slept through my alarm. That never happens. I rushed to get out of the hotel and threw those gummies in my carry on bag to make it on time to the airport. After speeding and filling up gas in the rental, I made it to my gate as they were boarding.
I get on the plane and head down the aisle to find my window seat near the middle of the plane. I asked politely for the two adorable older ladies siting in the middle and aisle seats if I could pass by to my seat. They obliged. The lady in the middle must have been around 80 years old so it took her some time to get up and make sure she was holding on to something so she didn't fall as she stepped into the aisle. I thanked them as I sat and settled into my seat.
Fast forward 20 minutes as we reach our cruising altitude of around 30,000 feet in the air. As I reach into my carry on bag to grab my headphones, I see the gummy bears. Since I am hungry and need something, I decided to open them up and just have a few to hold me over until we land. I wanted to save some for my son so I maybe had 4 or 5. But I had 4 or 5 too many because once the bears had a few minutes to adjust to their new home, they began to work.
It started out with a little cramp. Which is normal with gassing on a plane. You do not want to fart on a plane so you hold it in. It is airplane etiquette. It would come and go over a few minutes so I thought nothing of it. Then it got worse. The cramps intensified, the sweating started, and I began to notice the older ladies looking over at me. About 30 minutes into eating these bears, my thinking went from, "Oh these are just farts, I can hold them," to "Oh dear God not here." I have been a Christian my whole life and this is the test. If there is a God, please help me leave this plane with my dignity intact.
After waiting for the intense cramp wave to pass, I stood up and jump over those two women. I could not wait for them to stand so I stood up, (my back facing them) and tried to shimmy pass them. I think a toot came out cause I heard one say, "Oh Lord, was that you?" After reaching the aisle, I waddled to the back of the plane where the least amount of risk would be. To my dismay, it was in use. That left one bathroom left in the front. I looked down the aisle and saw my Mt. Everest. I had to somehow keeps my wet cheeks tighter than Fort Knox whilst waddling forward, whilst praying no one gets out of their seats.
After 5 minutes of stop and go, I made it to the bathroom and was pulling my pants down as I entered the bathroom. The door was still unlocked as the sweet release was underway. I thought I died. I thought this was it. Even though I was on the throne confessing my sins, I thought my time was called. I lost count on how many knocks at the door there was. I must have been in there for 45 minutes, but I made it.
I washed my hands, and threw water in my face to calm me down. Opening the door, I saw the faces looking back at me. Apparently the seal to the bathroom was not air tight. Letting just the slightest airflow from that bathroom to the main cabin possible. These were daughters, mothers, and children looking at me. I could feel their questions and comments. "What have you done?" "We still have 2 hours left." "Please divert this plane."
As I began walking down, the man in the first row of first class grabbed my arm. He said, "Hey man, where is your seat?" Confused, I told him and he said, "Go get your stuff and come back and sit here, you need this more then me." I was embarrassed and ashamed. I had a family at home waiting for me.
I recommend theses bears to anyone. But please eat them responsibly.
Joshua
Eat if you dare...
February 1, 2015
Verified Purchase
I sit here writing this review at 4AM from my porcelain throne, a fixture you will become all too familiar with if you chose to eat these cute little bears from the pits of hell. I had to eat a pound of these little bastards after Man City must've thought they were playing American football the other week, and lost to a team of Arsenal scrubs. They were a bit chewy but overall, appeared to be nothing more than your average gummy bears. After about 2 hours with little more than some mild stomach cramps, feeling like one would expect from eating a pound of any candy, I began to wonder if I'd gotten some duds. Like the slow build-up of a Martin Scorsese film however, those bears were waiting for their baptism scene to destroy my insides. It started with the cramping, very akin to doing 1,000 crunches and then being forced to hold the 1,001st crunch indefinitely. Then came the initial "run" which opened the proverbial flood gates. I'm over 30 and I'm beginning to wonder if these bears know that and want to send me back to the can for each year I've been on this earth to make me wonder why I'd ever been born. In between gastrointestinal bouts of pressure washing the inside of my toilet from my anus, I lay in bed feeling as if someone were to punch me in the stomach, I'd explode, turning the walls of my bedroom into a soiled Jackson Pollock rendition. To give you an idea, I'd spent $50 ordering a UFC pay-per-view only to willingly miss the last 2-3 fights on the main card because I didn't want to stray too far from my master bathroom. Thankfully for me (and my marriage), fearing what might be coming, I convinced my wife to spend the evening at my sister-in-laws because trust me fellas, nothing will be gained from your significant other experiencing this with you. I'm no longer in pain but am still having to make trips back to my master bath on a regular basis. Eat these if you dare but be forewarned, they are not to be trifled with unless you want your toilet to be a staging ground for repeat fecal rehearsals of "The Red Wedding" from Game of Thrones.
