Losing My Religion

[Kinggroin]

Hi Era,

I need to get something out there, I don't really know if it will help, but I haven't been able to talk to anybody about this and feel like maybe outside perspectives could help (could be badly mistaken here lol).

So I was brought up in a very religious family. It's all I've ever known, and every one of my friends and family members (including my wife) are also part of the religion. But lately I've really been struggling with something. I had doubts ever since I was in my early teens, but just tried to ignore it and pretend those doubts didn't exist and weren't important, probably because I was scared of challenging my world view, but also scared of how it would affect my friends and family. I love my family, I really do, they treat me incredibly well, I had a very loving upbringing, they've always been super supportive of me and have done their best to help me through difficult times. But the thing is, with this religion, if you decide to leave (or if they kick you out) you're cut off from everyone. Zero contact until you decide to return (I believe there's an exception for a wife/husband though, but there's still certain rules for them I think). Even if you tell them that you just don't believe it anymore, that's not really accepted, because everyone thinks it is absolutely 100% the true religion and if you say otherwise, after being a part of the religion, you must be lying and have some ulterior motive/other reason for leaving. (I'm not sure if they officially kick you out for not believing until you 'do something wrong' or properly resign though) I know that must sound crazy and cruel to many here, but unless you've experienced a very strong religious culture, I think it would be very hard to understand. They really truly believe that it's the right thing to do, both for themselves and for the other person, even if it's very difficult.

So over the years my doubts about my faith just grew and grew, and I noticed hole after hole, things that just didn't make sense to me. So nowadays I don't really know what I believe. On one hand, the religious ideas I've been exposed to don't really make sense to me, but on the other hand, I find the atheistic/purely scientific view of the world makes me feel super empty and depressed, that my life, everyone else's life and the whole world really, is completely pointless and arbitrary. And this has resulted in, for the past year I've been finding it really difficult trying to hide this from my wife, my friends & family. I've just been going along with the religious way of life that I've lived my whole life (it requires quite a bit of time and effort devoted to it), pretending to everyone that everything is normal, I'm still a true believer, etc. And unless I want to risk losing every single relationship in my life, I don't really feel like I have a choice other than to keep on pretending. I've really been struggling with this though, since 1) kinda living a lie 2) spending a significant amount of time and energy on something I don't believe in anymore, and 3) even just having my own personal struggle with what I believe, and what the point of my life is.

I just really don't see any way out of my situation, and probably having a confidential talk with a psychologist would be better than a post on a forum. But I have some time alone, and just want to get some outside perspectives.

Click to shrink...

It doesn't have to be a black and white thing as far as solutions go. From what I gather, you don't sound like you'd be comfortable with atheism. So, find your own way—spiritually. Keep it private, personal, and only commune with your family on whatever emotional level your new found faith dictates. This way, not only are they placated (allowing your relationship with them to endure), but you also get to stay true to yourself.

Also, see a therapist if you can.

 

[Deleted member 6215]

common for Christian Evangelical/Baptist and Mormon and Jehovah's Witness churches. It's basically inhumane. My JW friend left his religion for his gay boyfriend and his family disowned him and he has never seen or heard from his friends or family since.

Click to shrink...

"Why yes, I'm a disciple of Jesus, the great shunner."

This shit just burns me up. One of many examples that highlight just how morally bankrupt these religions are.

 

[Papa Satanás]

I'd absolutely go to therapy if you can find one that doesn't have their own religious bias.

You get one life, as far as we know, and it would be a shame to spend it pretending. It's not fair to you, or the people around you :/

This is a tough one, OP. I'm sorry you're in this situation. Do what's best for you and your sanity.

 

[Deleted member 16657]

OP I'm in a very similar boat. "Coming out" as non-religious doesn't exist unless I'm prepared to cut ties completely.

For now the best option I can see is just to keep pretending as I have been for years until I am financially independent. At that point I'll evaluate, what do I want more, independence or my family.

 

[Manmademan]

I'm not an expert on religion, but that sounds like pretty abusive doctrine. Like the sort of thing that "churches" such as Scientology practice.

Click to shrink...

Jehovah's witnesses are notorious for this, and it is abusive.

 

[Cerulean_skylark]

I don't know how much this will help you, but I'm a firm believer of optimistic nihilism and think this is a good primer on the first step on rewiring those "nothing matters" thoughts into something more positive and inspirational.



On the topic of your former religion, if I must be blunt, it sounds like a cult. I don't have any experience but I wish you luck on getting out.

Click to shrink...

ahh "optimistic nihilism" or, as people in philosophy call it... existentialism.

 

[Ramble]

Just sharing my experience/perspective.

I'm an atheist in a very religious family. No one except my husband knows.

I don't have any issue "playing along" when I am with my extended family because if they knew I was an atheist it would absolutely devastate my parents. I know this for a fact to be true, as I had a sibling try to "come out" as non-religious and saw the fallout of that. To be clear: my parents did not cut my sibling out of the family, but they did obsess over it for YEARS, tried for YEARS to bring them "back into the fold", my mother cries all the time about my siblings soul/going to hell. For religious parents, finding out your child is an atheist is pretty much the worst thing that can happen, worse than them being killed, because now your child's soul is damned to hell for all eternity.

I just decided I didn't want to deal/bother with all of that. Sitting quietly through grace at the table, or on rare occasion going to church, is nothing to me. If the family starts talking about religion/church stuff, I just don't participate or make vague comments like "that's nice".

It's not some torturous thing for me. I am secure in my atheism, and I have no issue "living a lie" for a few hours a month to both not emotionally devastate my parents and not have to deal with the hassle that would follow.

I guess I'm just not big on "LIVING MY TRUTHS" or whatever. I know what my truths are and I live them 99% of the time. The other 1% just isn't a big deal.

Your situation is a bit different, because you have to lie to your wife every single day. I think you are going to have to come to terms with either:
a) getting a divorce
b) finding some way to be at peace with being private about your non-religious nature around your family and wife

You need to come to terms with the fact that there's no scenario where you get to "come out" as non-religious and your wife and family is cool with it. You and I both know that's not ever going to happen.

 

[N.Domixis]

It is what it is. My brother is the only one that suspects I'm atheist and he would tell me I'm burning in Hell, absolutely insane.

 

[Pickman]

If you get down to the basics of it, we're all just organic compounds that are leasing our carbon from the nearest star. An end without an afterlife is scary, and existential dread will lead people to find comfort where they can. When you start looking at the human experience and what we can make of that, though, it can fill the void of the nihilistic pit at the end of it all. I'm terrified of death, but I distract myself from that fear by trying to leave the world a better place than it was when I became capable of making change in it. Be good, do good, and you'll have lived a good life.

As for your situation, I'm sorry for the place you're in OP, but living the fraud of the religion will gnaw at you. I pretended for my family for a long time after I realized I was an atheist, but in the end the puppet show you put on for everyone else can drain the joy from your life. I only lost a couple family members when I explained my point of view (we still keep in touch, they just hold me at arms length and tell me I'm going to hell and they'll pray for me every time I see them), so I can't speak for what it would be like to be disfellowshipped or whatever process it is your religion uses to excommunicate its members, but I'll say I hope you're strong through whatever you do choose to do.

 

[EnlightenedMint]

Sorry to hear you're going through this OP.

And as you know and some have said, this shit is not black and white.

If you want to investigate your faith and sense of meaning I would recommend some books or podcasts from Peter Enns.

He certainly embraces doubt and skepticism and see's it in more of a positive light, where your faith can potentially grow. His book "The Sin of Certainty" is great and I'm not even a Christian. Although from the sounds of it your denomination might not even want you reading anything from outside itself.

 

[StrayDog]

As other had said... your religion group/family is on the level of a cult at this point.
My suggestion is going slowly away from the religion activities... give them some excuses to not partake in these activities. If they force you to take part.... that is a cult level behavior of them and will require to take a strong decision... if your group/family is more tolerant they won't press you to much when you give them some excuse.

 

[Tochtli79]

This is one example of why religion does more harm than good. Just an excuse to treat people who don't buy into your stories like crap. Wish we as a species could move beyond it. I hope you find a professional to help you navigate this OP.

 

[healbite-maritima]

I come from fundamental evangelists. I'm still Christian but not their denomination. There is nothing wrong with questioning faith and wondering why things the way they are, and any sort of cut off from a family/group for disagreement for the rest of ones life is blackmail and isn't a group I would want to affiliate myself with.

If they decide to stop talking to you, that is their selfish loss. It will hurt. You can mourn and be sorrowful over family. But as a grown adult you get to choose your community and family.

 

[Cenauru]

ahh "optimistic nihilism" or, as people in philosophy call it... existentialism.

Click to shrink...

Um...yeah? Where did I say it wasn't?

 

[Inugami]

It is what it is. My brother is the only one that suspects I'm atheist and he would tell me I'm burning in Hell, absolutely insane.

Click to shrink...

We grew up in a fairly non-religious household (my mother is clearly Christian but we never went to church, and my Dad... well I never asked but he always hated on church abuses so there is that.)

My eldest brother and I are 6 years apart, and in highschool he started dating a really religious girl and started going to church. From that point on, he would HOUND me to go to church with him because he didn't want me to go to hell (it was also around this time he started telling me if I was gay that I was going to hell... I was 9 at the time). Absolutely the church he went to and the beliefs they pushed were awful.

Irony of it? After she dumped him he stopped going and became a hard core militant atheist. He also expected things to be fine between us afterwards...

Not sure what my point is besides the fact that brothers can be assholes and will likely always be assholes regardless.

 

[EchoChamber]

You have to get out of that cult or it will destroy you eventually.

 

[Deleted member 8861]

A lot of this sounds like trauma from being raised in a cult. Nothing short of a therapist can help you with that.

That said, my favorite text on our cosmic insignificance is a passage written (and here narrated) by Carl Sagan, called the Pale Blue Dot:



(Context: The first picture in this video was taken by a satellite from around Neptune's orbit, I believe, and the pixel at the end of the arrow is Earth.)

It encapsulates everything, for me.

We are insignificant to the universe, but we have each other, and can live for each other's sake.

 

[AbsoluteZero0K]

Hi Era,

I need to get something out there, I don't really know if it will help, but I haven't been able to talk to anybody about this and feel like maybe outside perspectives could help (could be badly mistaken here lol).

So I was brought up in a very religious family. It's all I've ever known, and every one of my friends and family members (including my wife) are also part of the religion. But lately I've really been struggling with something. I had doubts ever since I was in my early teens, but just tried to ignore it and pretend those doubts didn't exist and weren't important, probably because I was scared of challenging my world view, but also scared of how it would affect my friends and family. I love my family, I really do, they treat me incredibly well, I had a very loving upbringing, they've always been super supportive of me and have done their best to help me through difficult times. But the thing is, with this religion, if you decide to leave (or if they kick you out) you're cut off from everyone. Zero contact until you decide to return (I believe there's an exception for a wife/husband though, but there's still certain rules for them I think). Even if you tell them that you just don't believe it anymore, that's not really accepted, because everyone thinks it is absolutely 100% the true religion and if you say otherwise, after being a part of the religion, you must be lying and have some ulterior motive/other reason for leaving. (I'm not sure if they officially kick you out for not believing until you 'do something wrong' or properly resign though) I know that must sound crazy and cruel to many here, but unless you've experienced a very strong religious culture, I think it would be very hard to understand. They really truly believe that it's the right thing to do, both for themselves and for the other person, even if it's very difficult.

So over the years my doubts about my faith just grew and grew, and I noticed hole after hole, things that just didn't make sense to me. So nowadays I don't really know what I believe. On one hand, the religious ideas I've been exposed to don't really make sense to me, but on the other hand, I find the atheistic/purely scientific view of the world makes me feel super empty and depressed, that my life, everyone else's life and the whole world really, is completely pointless and arbitrary. And this has resulted in, for the past year I've been finding it really difficult trying to hide this from my wife, my friends & family. I've just been going along with the religious way of life that I've lived my whole life (it requires quite a bit of time and effort devoted to it), pretending to everyone that everything is normal, I'm still a true believer, etc. And unless I want to risk losing every single relationship in my life, I don't really feel like I have a choice other than to keep on pretending. I've really been struggling with this though, since 1) kinda living a lie 2) spending a significant amount of time and energy on something I don't believe in anymore, and 3) even just having my own personal struggle with what I believe, and what the point of my life is.

I just really don't see any way out of my situation, and probably having a confidential talk with a psychologist would be better than a post on a forum. But I have some time alone, and just want to get some outside perspectives.

Click to shrink...

I would wonder about the honesty of the individual who claims to follow a religion and does it "for the lulz" rather than believing that their faith was the 100% true religion; or, I would question the religion itself since there is both overlap yet also conflation with philosophy.

An individual incapable of doubt is an individual incapable of independent thought—an inhuman. Simultaneously, doubt does not mean a loss of faith, but rather, a test of faith.

If a faith believes itself to be 100% true, it should not fear tests. For a religion to even begin in the first place, there had to be some bar to measure that this faith should be propagated over that one, lest the "gods of Egypt" would be still with us rather than dead, or a mythology.

The real crisis you seem to be enduring is the inability for you to find like-minded individuals in your social circle with whom you can discuss your doubts, fears, and questions. You need some theology, less dogma.