'He's been raised so well we can't trust the people who raised him so well to raise him any longer if it makes me feel conflicted about TikTok'
My nephew (14) is glued to his phone for hours daily.... problem?
- Thread starter Buddy
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'He's been raised so well we can't trust the people who raised him so well to raise him any longer if it makes me feel conflicted about TikTok'
Well the kid says he knows he can't control and the uncle has noticed him being more angry and cursing more. Let's just toss in the attention stuff, mental health issues, texting and driving etc. Some of which may not be hitting him hard now but it's pretty established stuff. At the minimum it's increasing risks.
Like I get it the kid is doing really great. It's not anything like an emergency that the behavior changes. But let's not pretend like someone who is addicted to a device spending hours on end using it and says he can't control it couldn't benefit from a reduction in something that we know when used excessively is harmful to people.
He's doing well don't try to make healthier choices is a bizarre way to look at things and a lot on here seem to be doing that.
On one hand, this sounds like typical teenage behavior. I mean, a kid ignoring/not hearing you because they are too engrossed in some bullshit, starting to swear or talk back more, etc., are the most typical teenage tropes imaginable.
On the other hand, sure nonstop short video is probably not great for the attention span.
On the other hand, sure nonstop short video is probably not great for the attention span.
And how is it affecting him? How is it controlling him? That's what I'm not getting, especially when the only things cited is cursing more and increased aggression, which tends to happen under male puberty. I'm not exactly sure what else he needs when all his needs sound like they're already being met, he's not falling behind on anything, he's physically active, and has a good social life.
I don't know, it sounds to me like the kid doesn't want to be watching TikTok all day but he doesn't know how to stop. Sounds like a cry for help. It's affecting him because he'd rather spend his time elsewhere but is unable to because his addiction has a hold on him.
My nephew (14) is glued to TV/His Video Games for hours daily.... problem?
Interpret that as you wish.
Interpret that as you wish.
Very detrimental to his social and emotional health and development that can and most likely will lead to anxiety, depression, and attention disorders. Many studies are showing this.
It's affecting him because he says he doesn't have control over it. Therefore it is controlling him. He's telling us that.
Even people who are very addicted to things can often manage to have success in other areas.
At the minimum we are almost assured it would be healthier for him to reduce the time and it seems like so many people are wanting to fight against that fact even.
Let's try another way of looking at it.
Person:
"Man I know I smoke too much I just feel like it controls me sometimes."
Person B: "But Jim you're the CEO of the company. You work out daily. You have two beautiful kids and a great marriage. How is it affecting you or controlling you?"
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I'd probably give him some leeway, discuss ways to control your own access, and set your own limits, before taking the control out of his hands - I know my girlfriend has a timer set up to lock TikTok after a certain amount of time because it gets too addictive.
He's a good kid and seems to know it's an issue, so I think he's earned the right to have a chance to take control himself before bringing the hammer down. Like, have a discussion, provide support to self-moderate, and set clear goals along with enforcement if he doesn't meet them. This is the time where you need to start trusting kids with that and, hopefully, he's mature enough to have that conversation. But if not maybe you gotta lock it up for a few hours a night or something.
He's a good kid and seems to know it's an issue, so I think he's earned the right to have a chance to take control himself before bringing the hammer down. Like, have a discussion, provide support to self-moderate, and set clear goals along with enforcement if he doesn't meet them. This is the time where you need to start trusting kids with that and, hopefully, he's mature enough to have that conversation. But if not maybe you gotta lock it up for a few hours a night or something.
yeah, the not reacting when spoken to is a big red flag. It's less so the hour count and more so the compulsion and absolute engrossment that's the real issue.
You really think those metrics are the only ones to judge someone's wellbeing? I think we've all know kids with high success metrics burning out early or growing to be high stress individuals. Just because you hit these metrics does not mean you are in a healthy place mentally.
Being able to unplug yourself is now a skill parents need to be able to impart to children. The level of stress we're putting on our brains with none stop high speed media consumption is not healthy. We absolutely see it in our mood, our stress levels and our general happiness. There's no way for this kid to mentally decompress like this and he seems to understand that. It's an unhealthy addiction period.
In that case, sounds like a simple addition of parental controls would do it.
Reading this over carefully, it sounds like the issue could be solved with a compromised of app-based time limits, providing alternatives activities, talking with him about it, and working towards group based activities. Or at the least, it would be a starting point to solving it.
It sounds like he's well aware it is impacting him, especially if, as you say, he's aware he can't control himself. Getting both parents involved (or at least the mother/your sister) to work out an alternative to "do whatever you want as long as your homework and studying is done" would be a good idea to. If he as reasonable as you say, then I imagine it shouldn't be too hard to come up with a solution.
It does sound like he is at least aware he is addicted to some degree, yes. Establishing some sort of baseline limitations via parental controls, not as form of punishment, but as a means of helping, is probably a good idea.
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I'm a fan of Cal Newport's work on this topic.
View: https://youtu.be/ufMYxvRH1gQ?si=xt3uQ_HJIiah6I7l
So the current model is abstinence. But that's not good enough. The key is to find things that bring more satisfaction long term.
Also, there's only so much you can do. I think if he watched tv all day, which was what millennials did, no one would bat an eye.
View: https://youtu.be/ufMYxvRH1gQ?si=xt3uQ_HJIiah6I7l
So the current model is abstinence. But that's not good enough. The key is to find things that bring more satisfaction long term.
Also, there's only so much you can do. I think if he watched tv all day, which was what millennials did, no one would bat an eye.
Captain of a sports team and good grades but still gets grounded? L parenting
I was addicted to video games in high school. When it was taken away I found ways to sneak it in and built a lot of resentment over it. The changes in behavior could be attributed to puberty as much as the video content. Unless you say he's watching Screamo or Andrew Tate or something
I was addicted to video games in high school. When it was taken away I found ways to sneak it in and built a lot of resentment over it. The changes in behavior could be attributed to puberty as much as the video content. Unless you say he's watching Screamo or Andrew Tate or something
I shouldn't be surprised, but I'm still a little surprised that there's an actual TikTok/Shorts defense force in here.
It's so obvious how destructive it is to kids. Just watch them use it. I have kids where it's not a battle, but we really have to talk about how addictive it is, and how it changes them.
But yea, I really like the Outer Banks and Arcane suggestions from earlier posters.
It's so obvious how destructive it is to kids. Just watch them use it. I have kids where it's not a battle, but we really have to talk about how addictive it is, and how it changes them.
But yea, I really like the Outer Banks and Arcane suggestions from earlier posters.
Weird how people get way more defensive over TikTok than Facebook or Twitter. Social media addiction is a very well documented thing that has affected our own millennial generation as well. It's not just "stupid zoomers and their TikTok's amirite?"
Its good to stop or put limits on the phone before it comes into an addiction/problem.
Yea it seems he is doing well for now, but there is a chance tiktok/youtube shorts could negatively affect him in the future.
Hope the parents explained to him that its for the best, rather than making it feel like a punishment.
I don't think there's a defense force. But what are the options? Remove his phone? That's his property. You'll only create resentment. Also, only his parents can do this.
My recommendation is to talk to him and have him remove social media from his phone. Delete the apps. These apps aren't as addictive on computers. Tell him to do it for a week and check in. But he needs to agree to this. You can't force it. Kids, especially teens, do not do well with coercion. It leads to secrecy and resentment.
But he also needs to replace these with high quality leisure. Nature abhors a vaccuum.
There are definitely a couple posters in this thread defending it like it's not a problem for many people.
That being said, yea, taking way the phone is drastic and clearly a last resort for a teenager. Other posters have suggested more family activities, or helping them find new hobbies at home, new tv shows, etc.
It's really easy to get in a rut where you only do one thing at home, and tiktok is excellent at absorbing your time to make it that one thing.
It's not that different from my friends in high school that literally ruined their lives (or nearly did) playing Everquest. I nearly did the same with other MMOs. Some activities are just inherently all consuming.
Yeah and addictions also thrive in isolation. This has been observed in addiction research. Unfortunately we have killed third places for teens. Malls are dead. Phone addiction does suck, but we also need to look at the world we created that makes phones more attractive than other things.
I have no issues with online MP gaming since it can be more social than TikTok and kids are fostering friendships. Again, as long as everything else is balanced too.
Hard problem to solve. The phones are made to be addictive. It's a tough problem, no easy answers. The screen time apps are a decent start but introducing them from cold turkey is hard.
It like pretty much all parenting. Gotta introduce rules early and reinforce them consistently. Not that it's easy, this is the hardest thing about parenting. My kid basically ate jello for dinner tonight because I fail at this so often.
It like pretty much all parenting. Gotta introduce rules early and reinforce them consistently. Not that it's easy, this is the hardest thing about parenting. My kid basically ate jello for dinner tonight because I fail at this so often.
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While I agree that watching videos a ton is not the worst thing a person could do as far as addiction goes, especially if they have a lot of other healthy social activities, to say that algorithm based video usage is not at all potentially harmful is delusional.
It depends what they are watching.
You can get sucked down a rabbit hole of every increasing destructive opinion based content that can have a real impact on you if you are not having any alternative opinions shared with you or an open discourse with others. You linger a second or two longer on a video with some borderline commentary and then you will get another that is a little bit worse, then another, and then related others.
One time I got a evangelist type video that I let play about 10 seconds too long before I figured out what it was, and boom, I had weeks worth of hyper religious content coming my way before it got filtered out again. And even now, months later, it still creeps up every so often as just to remind me.
So if a person is even slightly influenced by the wrong algorithm path, it could create a long term personality shift or build up unintended biases they may not have normally had.
It's the digital equivalent of when I was a kid and was told not to hang out with the "those kids" because they were a bad influence.
So, OP, just talk to the kid, sounds like he understands there is a risk, and just see if you can help him curb his usage, assuming he is willing.
It depends what they are watching.
You can get sucked down a rabbit hole of every increasing destructive opinion based content that can have a real impact on you if you are not having any alternative opinions shared with you or an open discourse with others. You linger a second or two longer on a video with some borderline commentary and then you will get another that is a little bit worse, then another, and then related others.
One time I got a evangelist type video that I let play about 10 seconds too long before I figured out what it was, and boom, I had weeks worth of hyper religious content coming my way before it got filtered out again. And even now, months later, it still creeps up every so often as just to remind me.
So if a person is even slightly influenced by the wrong algorithm path, it could create a long term personality shift or build up unintended biases they may not have normally had.
It's the digital equivalent of when I was a kid and was told not to hang out with the "those kids" because they were a bad influence.
So, OP, just talk to the kid, sounds like he understands there is a risk, and just see if you can help him curb his usage, assuming he is willing.
I'm not sure if it's a defense force but no shortage of people ignoring the issue completely. Or downplaying it hardcore.
and the whole I was addicted to something and I turned out ok doesn't make sense. My grandma smoked and was sedentary and outlived my grandpa by 6 years who didn't smoke and was very active. I don't think any of us would think it made sense to practice what she did over my grandpa.
Then I don't understand what more is needed in this case, and I'm just gonna bow out.
It's like any addiction. I was a "high functioning alcoholic," steady good job, friends, happy marriage, but I was addicted to alcohol. Almost nobody would have said I had a problem, except for me, I knew I did, took a while for me to come around to it. And also just from the descriptions in the OP, theres certainly a problem there.
My wife is addicted to her phone, she has a good job, friends, is a good parent, but the phone addiction is extremely frustrating for me and through my daughter. It's extremely frustrating to be second fiddle to the anxiety machine.
Sure, but these new cognitive addictions are a whole new different ball game. It's also why I do recommend Cal Newport stuff.
He doesn't have a shaming or abstinence model. It just doesn't work.
The young guy needs to find things that will bring him more satisfaction than these small dopamine hits. Get into movies/films, drawing/painting, LEGO, play an instrument, learn to code, break dance, DJ, whatever.
If he said he knows it's too much and he can't control himself, that signals that he would like to make a change that he ultimately would see as beneficial, so he should be supported in making that change. As for if it's a problem beyond that? Probably not, it's pretty typical behavior and he seems to be finding fulfillment in other things in life which is good.
Speaking of TikTok I saw a great one about parenting. As a parent at a certain point your job isn't about enforcing rules. Kids know how to follow rules if they want to. Parenting is ultimately about raising a child to be an adult and giving them the experience to survive in the real world by themselves.
If you just take something away that's not gonna teach the right things. He is going to need to learn moderation with his device at some point and now seems like a great time for him to learn instead of when he goes off on his own. Especially since he seems to have a good head on his shoulders and realizes that he's a little addicted. So this is the perfect problem to work with and guide him. Have actually calm and trusting discussions with him about it. Let him have his device and work with him to moderate his usage as a team.
If you just take something away that's not gonna teach the right things. He is going to need to learn moderation with his device at some point and now seems like a great time for him to learn instead of when he goes off on his own. Especially since he seems to have a good head on his shoulders and realizes that he's a little addicted. So this is the perfect problem to work with and guide him. Have actually calm and trusting discussions with him about it. Let him have his device and work with him to moderate his usage as a team.
OP isn't trying to dictate, he's trying to help with guidance. That's not a bad thing.
This is where I'm at.
The swearing could be coming from tiktok but most likely picked up through friends/school lol
No and I don't think unless I missed it anyone is advocating for shaming or abstinence. I'm certainly not. But I'm not for ignoring a kid who says something is out of control especially when we know that thing has detrimental effects on our health and possibly at that age development.
Education and small steps to reduce the need to be on social media. I just take issue with all the people who say he isn't addicted (he said he was) and those who say how can Tik Tok be harmful!
It's 2024 science and pure logic tells us that this stuff used without limits isn't healthy at all.
You think a children's cartoon is enough to solve potentially phone addiction. At least recommend something good like the Wire
My biggest issue with his screentime is the lack of enjoyment of other things he used to love.
He loved reading for example.... since he got into Tik Tok he barely touches a book anymore.
He was into RC Cars. Now it collects dust.
Today he got his phone back and promised to be better.... we'll see how it goes
He loved reading for example.... since he got into Tik Tok he barely touches a book anymore.
He was into RC Cars. Now it collects dust.
Today he got his phone back and promised to be better.... we'll see how it goes
That's these highly addictive algorithm based infinite scroll apps honestly. They suck your life away.
I would just talk to him honestly. Not finger wagging. Go RC Car with him too when you're with him. Teens are very easy to talk in my experience. But again, don't use authority and shaming tactics, you will push him away.
This why I'm such a fan of old internet tech that is not driven by these addictive algos. RSS, podcasts, etc. He may not be into this! But just posting for anyone here that may have issues with these apps too.
Also, I'm a full adult, and I do find myself putting guardrails in these algo driven technologies as well. They're that addictive. I use "appointments". So I'll scroll them for 10 minutes in the morning and get my fix and be done with it.
I also find removing them from my handheld devices is also better-phones and tablets. They're not as addictive on computers--not sure if your nephew as a laptop or desktop.
At the same time, I also have a list of books, comics/manga, shows, movies, games to consume, and other more active hobbies that are just more satisfying than doomscrolling.
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"We're scared of drowning and flying and shooters but we're all slowly dying in front of fucking computers."
Passenger song
Buddy Could be ADHD, I have ADHD and because ADHD you essentially have a dopamine deficiency, one is constantly on the need for stimulation to release what little your brain produces. So I'm pretty glued to anything that can give me a shot of dopamine
It's why the meds I'm finally being offered are essentially cocaine (related to cocaine and meth) because it can give me the dopamine I need for healthy brain function. They may want to get a diagnosis and some very carefully measured amphetamines inside them.
It's why the meds I'm finally being offered are essentially cocaine (related to cocaine and meth) because it can give me the dopamine I need for healthy brain function. They may want to get a diagnosis and some very carefully measured amphetamines inside them.
This might be an unpopular opinion, but he sounds like a normal teenager to me
Yeah, most teenagers lose interest in things that they used to enjoy when they were younger. And it can happen fast. He's a teenager now and discovered something a lot of his peers are most likely into as well. When I was 14, I quickly lost interest in toy cars and wanted to get with girls instead.
I wouldn't be worried until it starts affecting his social life, grades, etc.
Yeah, most teenagers lose interest in things that they used to enjoy when they were younger. And it can happen fast. He's a teenager now and discovered something a lot of his peers are most likely into as well. When I was 14, I quickly lost interest in toy cars and wanted to get with girls instead.
I wouldn't be worried until it starts affecting his social life, grades, etc.
Seems like the time to also be worried is when the individual tells you they think they have a problem, which is what happened here. That's a call for help.