It's over. Just got back from it and I'm honestly really shaken. For a breakup (I'll consider it one even if it was a situationship-ish one), it actually was one of the more smoother ones....in terms of like no anger, complete respect, and understanding. I was worried coming into it that she might get angry towards me, but that in fact did not happen. I'm fine with sharing information here about it, kind of acts therapeutic for me to let this out:
We met in a parking lot, she sat in my car. I could see that she had been crying like crazy beforehand and I was barely holding it together. I started off by apologizing for coming off kind of cold the past couple of days, but really needed to talk things out in person. I mentioned that I've gotten hurt multiple times recently - the phone incident, during romance, going to the baseball game, all of the emotional outbursts she had towards me. She completely agreed that she shouldn't have done any of those and apologized repeatedly, saying she wants to do better.
I told her that I wanted to go separate ways for the time being and admit that I love her like she admitted to me - but that the anger episodes did a number of my feelings and I couldn't keep going with that. We cried a ton, she asked for another chance and said she'd appreciate having me stick by her side as she works on herself. I told her that I don't want her to change for me - I want her to be her authentic self since that's something I care deeply about with people - but I can't handle emotional outbursts so direct like that. She broke down hard and asked if there was anything she could do that could change my mind; she brought up an example of her last relationship (which lasted 4 years), how all the anger/torment her ex gave her has made her more aggressive and that she wants to change. TBH, for a moment, I had considered giving her a second chance....but then went into my next topic which was relevant.
I told her that I don't think giving a second chance would be fair for me - I've spent months in complete confusion if she wants me or not. She never affirmed to me when I've asked if I'm her boyfriend officially, just always giving more of a not yet type of answer. She told me just a few weeks ago what her friend said about me in the main post, and then proceeded to not affirm that we're officially dating. That hurt me so badly - making me ask myself why haven't I deserved that affirmation. She mentioned saying boyfriend or girlfriend can be childish, but I told her that I don't care what others call us - I NEEDED to know what we were, no more ambiguous.
She then told me that I'm her boyfriend, which I told her it doesn't feel right that we had to have this conversation and me crying so hard in front of her for her to finally say it. She told me she's told her family, friends, and coworkers that I'm her boyfriend, but never me....and is not sure why. She said she equated boyfriend and telling someone you love them as the same thing, and was afraid of scaring me off. I told her I gave her all of the signs possible that I wanted to be told it - I needed that affirmation that we were a boyfriend/girlfriend and not still talking.
I brought that all together as a double whammy I've been having for why I feel so much pain and why I think we should part ways. I did leave the door open a bit, saying that maybe I might come back around but that I don't want her to think that and we just need to move forward with our lives. I do mean that too - my gut decision has been fighting my heart and while the idea is open to going back to her someday, I don't want that because of how I feel now. I shouldn't be scared of someone I trust completely - that's not healthy. She agree with that.
She started bashing herself heavily - saying she hates herself, feels like an awful person, consistently apologizing. I kept telling her she's a beautiful woman, she should focus on making herself happy. She told me she wants to go back into therapy to talk about the anger issues, as she said she's scared friends away and now myself. She referenced me as the one that got away and her biggest regret, which I'm not going to lie, made me cry super hard.
I paid her the trip money back and then some - and we had one more issue occur. She started talking to herself, saying "Oh my god, I can't believe I screwed this up so badly, I love you...." and then accidentally said out loud "I'll get over this soon." That hurt - I pointed it out, she said she didn't mean to say that and I started bawling like crazy because I wouldn't just say something like that since I care a ton about her. That was awkward, we kept crying, and then she said "So there's no going back is there?" I told her no and that I feel really hurt right now and need to be alone to sort my feelings out with my therapist. We said goodbye, she drove off, and I sat in the parking lot destroyed for 30 minutes. I hope she will be okay...what she said out loud gave me vibes that she might harm herself, which I seriously hope she doesn't. She deserves to be happy, and so do I.
That was a lot of emotion, but we were very understanding of each other. Between this event and my cat dying of cancer last month, I feel drained. When my four year relationship ended (the Disney vacation related one for those who recall) before this situationship happened, I was energized to go on dating apps because of how hard I felt I got screwed over. Now....I have the opposite feeling. I feel broken down and honestly just might be with myself for a while. I have a lot going on in life and I'm possibly about to pay off my student loans next week, so I'm trying to remind myself to stay focused on the goals I have. I really hope I find someone who doesn't make me hurt/confused like this - I'm in my mid-twenties, so I assume my love journey is not over yet.
