Hello sober era, I'm struggling to come to terms with the fact I have a problem with cannabis. I'm in the UK so it's illegal here, I'd had some occasionally at parties when I was younger and didn't really enjoy it, but just over three years ago I got back from living in Canada where obviously it's legal and socially acceptable in public, and as I was lonely there struggling to make friends (and the friends I did make were hipsters who used recreationally) I had a lot of time on my hands. That said, I didn't use a huge amount over there but it's spiralled since I came back, at points I've been buying a Z a month which from the volume you can appreciate hasn't been used responsibly - getting high at work has been fairly common (both from home during lockdown as well as in the office before), and it's been affecting my performance as well as personal relationships (though I have other issues factoring into these as well). That's to say nothing of how much money I must have spent on it, easily a few thousand over three years
It's been getting worse over lockdown and especially since Christmas. I bought a kitchen safe to keep it in during the week and stop me using when I'm working but as soon as the timer ran down on it I'd use more than before and pretty much be high all weekend from 5pm on Friday when the safe opened, then it'd be the first thing I did in the mornings to the last thing on Sunday when/if I had the willpower to lock it up again. Even if I locked it up again I'd scrape down my dry herb vapes during the week (while I'm working) and vape the reclaim, which gives you a nasty headache.
Since it's illegal here picking up is always anxiety inducing, and my guy's drop off points have been getting further and further out which I'm guessing has to be due to police. Last time I picked up was especially stressful (new drop off even further out than usual, miscommunication about the spot meant I was there for far longer than I wanted to be), and the weed was also lower quality than it had been before, so I took that as my cue that enough is enough, and after "one last week" I locked the 20gs I had left along with my dry herb vapes up in the kitchen safe, maxed out the timer (10 days) and removed the batteries (the timer resets with the batteries out, so if I put them back in I've still got 10 days to pull myself together and take them out again). I know I should really get rid of it altogether but knowing it's there if things get too much is helpful.
I see a psychotherapist who knows I use - one point is that since my agreement with him said he won't see me if I'm stoned, I make sure i stop no less than four hours before a session, which isn't great but it's the longest I go without some days. That said he doesn't know how much I use because I'm too ashamed to tell him. Same goes for my girlfriend - she doesn't use but knows I do, though not how much... when I visit her I take lot of bathroom breaks. I live at home with my mum and if she knows anything she doesn't let on, but she knows I'm depressed and generally having a hard time. I have an appointment with my therapist tonight and never know where to start with him - I have a lot of worries and cannabis is only one of them, and it both helps and makes them worse.
So I'm nine days sober now, my last puff was Feb 27. I keep thinking I can have a dry March and let my kitchen safe open up at Easter bank holiday for a day, but deep down I know that's not a good idea. I've been way more productive over the last week than I have been since last summer when I managed to quit for two weeks on pure willpower, making headway with projects I've been putting off. Still have a lot of relationships I've neglected that I need to start rebuilding, but part of that is working out which ones are worth the energy. I've been running and playing guitar, trying not to game too much because it doesn't feel especially productive.
Ok it looks like I had a lot to get off my chest, like I said I don't have anyone I feel I can talk to so this is the first time I've even typed an admission that I have a problem.
