To get some details out of the way / make them clear from the start to try and not leave things vague.
- This happened about 2-3 months ago, but I only found out recently about it. She couldn't tell me because of the trauma of it. I still don't know how she kept it in and kept going. She didn't tell anyone.
- It happened where we live currently which is with one of my parents. (We had an apartment but got priced out of staying, then we found another place to rent but after moving everything in were after about a week told it was unsafe and we couldn't live there so we had to go back.)
- I know who it is, but I only found this out yesterday. This person is not a family member but is very close to our family, is basically family to my mother.
- My partner had suffered physical and mental abuse with certain members of her family over the years, primarily while she was a teenager.
- She doesn't want to report it, not until we are far away from the person
I'm just kind of lost. We've had difficult points as a couple since we met. I had health issues and issues with work, she had more serious health issues including blood clots and a number of stays in hospital and is currently awaiting surgery, we were at one point told we were going to be thrown out of our apartment despite our landlord wronging us multiple times and not the other way around. The rental market is crazy here now and it's so hard to find a place that isn't taken within the day it's listed. Etc.
This isn't the first time she's had to warn guys off that have acted like friends to her and tried to them put moves on her. It's almost like it started with smaller things and continually escalated to this.
I see this person that did it so often that I could take a knife out of the cupboard and stab him. And I want to. I'm desperate to. All I can think of is doing it or smashing his face to pieces. I can't do it, obviously. But I don't know what I can do or should do.
I can't cope. I couldn't when she first told me it happened. I had images in my head that never went away or stopped, made me snap (and I don't just mean mentally, physically my body recoiled and snapped so often when it came into mind which was a lot). She told me that she couldn't tell me who it was in order to stop me doing something that would ruin my life and our life together, so she made up a story about a stranger. But she has had to interact with this person practically every day since it happened and she said to me she has learned to be fake and put on a face for any situation. I don't have a clue how she has done it or how she's still going. I have no idea how she feels or how it can make a person feel. Normally I can try and sympathise or empathise with her but I just can't here. And I don't know how to cope myself. We pride ourselves on how open and honest we are with each other in our relationship. It's one of the things that makes us work. We're so close and depend on each other so much. But she said that because she has had to pretend it didn't happen she has learned to make up anything about anything and make it believable. I could almost always tell a lie from her before, but here I had no clue. And I still don't know what she is telling me or has told me what is true and what's false. Obviously it's not her fault. She said it wasn't that she couldn't trust me to tell me but she knew it would break me. Life has been so difficult for us for some of the reasons above and lots of others. I'm working 2 jobs now to keep us going after she was made redundant and I'm exhausted but I know I have to keep going. But today after a 12.5 hour shift, I'm finished, and I don't want to go back. I don't know what to say to her. I don't know how to comfort her because I can't comfort myself or keep my head straight. How can I know how to help her? Before this happened I always tried to help her and talk to her about everything that she had difficulty with, but I knew it wasn't enough so I helped her to get counselling and she's still going to it, but I don't know how much that can help. I know I need to be there for her but don't know how. I've never not been able to talk to her but now I'm starting to question if I can keep doing this. Every time we start to get moving and things get a little easier something happens to force us to fight and struggle our way through, dragging ourselves on and nothing better. I know life can be like that but it just is constant. She's always had things tough and I don't know how she can keep going and keep the faith. She has always had to fight. She'd been suicidal on and off at best for the last year.
But I've always been sure about us and our future and yesterday I point blank said I don't know any more and I couldn't go back on it. I feel like this will cause an issue between us that we can't fix. She's always been a free spirit and has always trusted people and given them a chance. I've warned her about certain people she has come across and I have 90% of the time been right to distrust them. But now I know I won't ever want her to be near any man or men bevabec literally every single one that has claimed to be her friend has turned and told her to dump me, cheat on me with them, how much better they are than me, how they can fuck her better than me. This shit gets in on you over time. I could never see myself being a controlling person in a relationship before but now I know it's all I'll be. I said before at various points that I felt like I was the wrong person for her. That she needed someone tougher that wouldn't give anyone a chance to get close to her, that had more money and a better job and their own place, stability basically. Someone to properly look after her during her bad points. All I've been doing is working. I'm out for almost the entirety of 5 days a week minimum.
Anyway sorry for the wall of text and everything. I'm just so lost. I don't know where to go in life any more, I don't feel like trying when stuff like this happens to people like her. I want to throttle the person that did this and don't know how to stop myself because of what he did to her. She has had so much grief and trouble in the past few years and all she's had to do is struggle on. Finding those moments of happiness are so hard when this is what you have to expect is around the corner. I've tried suggesting she speaks to rape crisis centres but she doesn't want to. She has breached the subject with her counsellor but hasn't gone deep into it. I've been here for her all the time before, even if it took me time. This time I don't feel like I can and this is when she really needs me most, but I can't cope with it. Or with anything. I'm doubting the one thing I was sure about since I met her which is our future and I don't even feel like I can talk about or digest anything because of so much else going on and such little rest time between work and these other things. She's broken but has put up a wall but I don't know how I can help her, and I'm struggling to get myself just to the point of doing that.
- This happened about 2-3 months ago, but I only found out recently about it. She couldn't tell me because of the trauma of it. I still don't know how she kept it in and kept going. She didn't tell anyone.
- It happened where we live currently which is with one of my parents. (We had an apartment but got priced out of staying, then we found another place to rent but after moving everything in were after about a week told it was unsafe and we couldn't live there so we had to go back.)
- I know who it is, but I only found this out yesterday. This person is not a family member but is very close to our family, is basically family to my mother.
- My partner had suffered physical and mental abuse with certain members of her family over the years, primarily while she was a teenager.
- She doesn't want to report it, not until we are far away from the person
I'm just kind of lost. We've had difficult points as a couple since we met. I had health issues and issues with work, she had more serious health issues including blood clots and a number of stays in hospital and is currently awaiting surgery, we were at one point told we were going to be thrown out of our apartment despite our landlord wronging us multiple times and not the other way around. The rental market is crazy here now and it's so hard to find a place that isn't taken within the day it's listed. Etc.
This isn't the first time she's had to warn guys off that have acted like friends to her and tried to them put moves on her. It's almost like it started with smaller things and continually escalated to this.
I see this person that did it so often that I could take a knife out of the cupboard and stab him. And I want to. I'm desperate to. All I can think of is doing it or smashing his face to pieces. I can't do it, obviously. But I don't know what I can do or should do.
I can't cope. I couldn't when she first told me it happened. I had images in my head that never went away or stopped, made me snap (and I don't just mean mentally, physically my body recoiled and snapped so often when it came into mind which was a lot). She told me that she couldn't tell me who it was in order to stop me doing something that would ruin my life and our life together, so she made up a story about a stranger. But she has had to interact with this person practically every day since it happened and she said to me she has learned to be fake and put on a face for any situation. I don't have a clue how she has done it or how she's still going. I have no idea how she feels or how it can make a person feel. Normally I can try and sympathise or empathise with her but I just can't here. And I don't know how to cope myself. We pride ourselves on how open and honest we are with each other in our relationship. It's one of the things that makes us work. We're so close and depend on each other so much. But she said that because she has had to pretend it didn't happen she has learned to make up anything about anything and make it believable. I could almost always tell a lie from her before, but here I had no clue. And I still don't know what she is telling me or has told me what is true and what's false. Obviously it's not her fault. She said it wasn't that she couldn't trust me to tell me but she knew it would break me. Life has been so difficult for us for some of the reasons above and lots of others. I'm working 2 jobs now to keep us going after she was made redundant and I'm exhausted but I know I have to keep going. But today after a 12.5 hour shift, I'm finished, and I don't want to go back. I don't know what to say to her. I don't know how to comfort her because I can't comfort myself or keep my head straight. How can I know how to help her? Before this happened I always tried to help her and talk to her about everything that she had difficulty with, but I knew it wasn't enough so I helped her to get counselling and she's still going to it, but I don't know how much that can help. I know I need to be there for her but don't know how. I've never not been able to talk to her but now I'm starting to question if I can keep doing this. Every time we start to get moving and things get a little easier something happens to force us to fight and struggle our way through, dragging ourselves on and nothing better. I know life can be like that but it just is constant. She's always had things tough and I don't know how she can keep going and keep the faith. She has always had to fight. She'd been suicidal on and off at best for the last year.
But I've always been sure about us and our future and yesterday I point blank said I don't know any more and I couldn't go back on it. I feel like this will cause an issue between us that we can't fix. She's always been a free spirit and has always trusted people and given them a chance. I've warned her about certain people she has come across and I have 90% of the time been right to distrust them. But now I know I won't ever want her to be near any man or men bevabec literally every single one that has claimed to be her friend has turned and told her to dump me, cheat on me with them, how much better they are than me, how they can fuck her better than me. This shit gets in on you over time. I could never see myself being a controlling person in a relationship before but now I know it's all I'll be. I said before at various points that I felt like I was the wrong person for her. That she needed someone tougher that wouldn't give anyone a chance to get close to her, that had more money and a better job and their own place, stability basically. Someone to properly look after her during her bad points. All I've been doing is working. I'm out for almost the entirety of 5 days a week minimum.
Anyway sorry for the wall of text and everything. I'm just so lost. I don't know where to go in life any more, I don't feel like trying when stuff like this happens to people like her. I want to throttle the person that did this and don't know how to stop myself because of what he did to her. She has had so much grief and trouble in the past few years and all she's had to do is struggle on. Finding those moments of happiness are so hard when this is what you have to expect is around the corner. I've tried suggesting she speaks to rape crisis centres but she doesn't want to. She has breached the subject with her counsellor but hasn't gone deep into it. I've been here for her all the time before, even if it took me time. This time I don't feel like I can and this is when she really needs me most, but I can't cope with it. Or with anything. I'm doubting the one thing I was sure about since I met her which is our future and I don't even feel like I can talk about or digest anything because of so much else going on and such little rest time between work and these other things. She's broken but has put up a wall but I don't know how I can help her, and I'm struggling to get myself just to the point of doing that.