The awkwardness of having offensive friends

[Asbsand]

I didn't really know how to preface this one but felt it was worth sharing here.

I'm a student, in Denmark, doing computer science, and I want to say that, while I think many youths of my generation (I'm 26) are progressive in spirit, there are a lot of the sort of "YouTuber" types of people, you know, who are anti-progressive or they'll make rape-jokes or suicide memes unabashedly. I had a shift in my life last year when I quit my job-hunt because I had to upgrade to a higher degree in my field for the kinds of jobs I wanted, so I found another school and continued my studies. Obviously this was a new 'social arena' as it's called in Sociology.

My previous school had mostly friendly faces, a few bros but honestly a lot of neckbeards... oh and two girls. New place was a top-up degree so less populated but through group-work and exams before this summer, I realized a lot of "my guys" are pretty embarrassing. Like, I have my "internet-life" on here, Reddit and Discord where I go by the TOS and well-meaning ideas about other people, mindful of LGBT, race and trans people, something I had to sort of realize a few years ago, coming from a really white society, but something I've gotten accustomed to. We live in a really global age, and so I assume most people like me do spend some time talking to people from overseas in some shape or form. But the people I've gotten to know are not mindful.

As I said, our exams was full of suicide jokes, below-the-belt stuff and politically incorrect style of humor. I found myself laughing along because it's the kind of thing where if I had said "c'mon guys" I would've been singled out and made fun of or something. I think they're great people underneath but are stuck in what I call "middle school mentality". They're not unintelligent, they got great grades and lead responsible lives (like, we have jobs, we do stuff, etc. etc.) but their attitude feels ancient to me.

The point I reached was that I think it's fucking awkward that I go online and talk to people from other places and generally go along with the progressive spirit, of not punching down, not making jokes that would hit deep with someone's mental health issues that might be secret, and just you know, trying to be decent... and then in my daily outgoing life I'm surrounded by people that feel like they're tearing up that mentality.

I could of course quit, but I don't have a plan B and the school itself is okay, it's just my co-students that are kind of immature. It just frustrates me, and I wonder who else has this juxtaposition in their daily life of not being able to be as progressive as you want to be?

 

[Deleted member 21709]

Do your part and stop considering these people your friends. Have some standards.

Don't laugh along or feel peer pressured to just deal with it. That's how they 'recruit' people. (There's probably many others in your school that feel the same but are afraid to speak up, maybe you can try to find a way to reach out and get a progressive, positive group going?)

Also, why go out of your way to call these people 'not unintelligent'? Intelligence is not defined by grades. Or the fact that they can hold a job.

 

[Asbsand]

Do your part and stop considering these people your friends. Have some standards.

Click to shrink...

To me it comes down to the fact that we get tasks that require 3 or more people, and IMO making friends is hard. There's also a matter of technical skill. Any class, or most classes, has an "elite" and I'm not one of them. I'm so lucky to have people that want to keep me in their group, and studying-wise we did a good job this year. It's kind of a two-way street. When school reboots I am going to try and mingle (covid 19 made this impossible this year) but I'm not going to just say no to what is currently the only stable group I have, which can get me through school, which unfortunately is most important to me.

And like, the way I ended up here was because they seemed nice, and serious about the work in class. They had a certain openness I didn't get from everyone. Then once we got into the nitty gritty and private work, I realized they make a lot of indecent jokes and do it a LOT. Another thing I realized early is that I came to this city fresh - everyone but one other person here has lived here since they were kids, so I kinda had to find people who wanted to hang out with the "new guy". Not everyone seemed as open to that.

 

[Deleted member 21709]

To me it comes down to the fact that we get tasks that require 3 or more people, and IMO making friends is hard. There's also a matter of technical skill. Any class, or most classes, has an "elite" and I'm not one of them. I'm so lucky to have people that want to keep me in their group, and studying-wise we did a good job this year. It's kind of a two-way street. When school reboots I am going to try and mingle (covid 19 made this impossible this year) but I'm not going to just say no to what is currently the only stable group I have, which can get me through school, which unfortunately is most important to me.

Click to shrink...

I get that. Maybe you should be an anonymous insider and report to the outside world what is being normalized in your school? Because this shit is not right, and if they are comfortable talking about that in an open forum - imagine what they talk about in private.

 

[Asbsand]

I get that. Maybe you should be an anonymous insider and report to the outside world what is being normalized in your school? Because this shit is not right, and if they are comfortable talking about that in an open forum - imagine what they talk about in private.

Click to shrink...

Actually there is a bit of a blunder there. One of my teachers mentioned that a girl from the previous year had made an accusation of sorts that there was too toxic humor in my class, and he sort of brushed it off with a chuckle. "We don't need to talk more about that."

Pretty disappointing. If I can arrange it, I might end up moving to a different comp. science school in copenhagen because this would only fly in mainland Denmark. But I've also realized it's a tech-sector/computer-science problem. It's a completely different crowd from when I was studying music.

 

[Scuffed]

I think most people around here who have active social lives run into this problem to some extent. Progressiveness(being a decent person) is still not a very widespread thing but it's definitely more accepted than it was even just a year ago. The best thing you can do is occasionally and cleverly try and educate the people around you. Many people can change the way they behave and think and there are plenty of opportunities for teaching moments. Don't write anyone off until you have made an effort to alter the discourse. If they become combative and possessive of thier edginess then probably cut them off.

 

[NinjaScooter]

are they really friends or are they classmates?

 

[knight714]

I think there's a definite line between dark humour and problematic, punching down humour. If it's the latter, the right thing to do is call them out and/or cut them out.

I hate confrontation so I'm not great at calling things out, but I've definitely phased a few people out because of stuff like this.

 

[Deleted member 420]

You can tell a lot about someone from the discord groups they are in

 

[Wordballoons]

Making new friends in university might seem daunting but you deserve to others and yourself to surround yourself with better people. If you care about one of them and think they can change then call them out on it. If not, be cordial but develop a distance between yourselves

 

[sgtnosboss]

I had friends like this. I tried for a few years to change them and have talks, I even had one final chance talk and none of them were willing to admit their jokes or things they say we're problematic. So now, none of them are in my life. I have new friends, good people that we still joke and have fun, without having to say hurtful things like the old group always did. It will make you happier overall OP, when you don't have to hold your thoughts and anger in about the stupid shit they are saying that makes you uncomfortable. It's hard to let people go, but sometimes it needed. These were friends I knew since I was in diapers so I definitely didn't leave without trying to confront them about it, but unfortunately nothing changed. In the end you have to do what is best for you.

 

[ParanormalFupa]

Start making jokes about how stupid they are for doing or saying X, Y, Z stupid thing.

 

[Ruisu]

They're not unintelligent, they got great grades and lead responsible lives (like, we have jobs, we do stuff, etc. etc.) but their attitude feels ancient to me.

Click to shrink...

These things have nothing to do with one another. The idea that a person with shitty attitudes must be some sort of 'neckbeard' in their mom's basement is nothing but a misguided stereotype that helps spread this behavior of deciding how to treat someone based on how well off they are. Having a job and a college education don't counterbalance this sort of attitude. Your friends might just be shitty people no matter how well adjusted to society they seem to be

 

[Hail Satan]

Try talking to them first.

I know you said you'd become the target but you have to try to express yourself before you decide how people will react to you.

Don't escalate the situation by speaking to an authority yet. You're not got to get any better at working through confrontation if you keep looking for someone else to solve the problem.
And also, don't just take the advice to eliminate them as friends, because if you don't talk to them first, than you aren't being a good friend either.

You have to give people a chance to listen to you, and you have to speak up for yourself so you can strengthen your voice/ego.

If ive missed or misread something, I apologize. If they made you feel hurt or threatened to a degree that I have not understood then please, by all means drop them as friends and speak to a superior.

Don't worry, even if this people do end up getting dropped from your life, you can still make friends.

You'll always have us :)

 

[Aske]

I had one of these. Guy didn't understand that silence does not equal consent. He spanked and groped people "for a joke", regardless of gender. The partner I was with at the time was repeatedly spanked by this guy, which made her super upset after the fact, but she told me not to say anything because she wanted to handle it herself. I was super frustrated by having to stay quiet.

Eventually, she and I broke up, and a few months later, when he said something uncool, I let him have it. We are no longer friends, if we ever were.

 

[Slayven]

Sounds like you out grew them, it happens

 

[Salty_Josh]

I ain't gonna tell you to drop your shit friends, but you should know that a lot of people don't have the privilege of being able to ignore what they say because they are the butt of those jokes

 

[Pau]

Actually there is a bit of a blunder there. One of my teachers mentioned that a girl from the previous year had made an accusation of sorts that there was too toxic humor in my class, and he sort of brushed it off with a chuckle. "We don't need to talk more about that."

Click to shrink...

Damn, I really feel for the women and minorities in your program. And people wonder why we might not want to go into such fields. The teacher being so flippant about it is pretty infuriating in particular.

I ain't gonna tell you to drop your shit friends, but you should know that a lot of people don't have the privilege of being able to ignore what they say because they are the butt of those jokes

Click to shrink...

Yeah, basically this.

I get that group work makes it hard to go against the grain because it can negatively affect your academic record and potentially your job prospects. But I do think there are ways to model having fun and joking around without making it uncomfortable for others. And to stop laughing at and encouraging behavior you find harmful.

If it's something you find personally harmful, it might be easier to bring up as they will have to deal with a real person (that they already respect) in front of them having the issue. If it's something targeted at groups you aren't part of, you can start by not laughing and if you're called out, just start by saying that it's not your type of humor. Once again, try to model that you can have fun and joke around just as much without having to resort to that shit.

 

[Asbsand]

Damn, I really feel for the women and minorities in your program. And people wonder why we might not want to go into such fields. The teacher being so flippant about it is pretty infuriating in particular.

Click to shrink...

Yeah. I don't miss the location of my previous school but they did have a more progressive staff. They invited guests to talk about LGBT-representation in video-games and such. The students could be as toxic as they wanted to be (there were nazi memes in a game-demo at a showcase, it was baaad.) but the tone at the top was good, whereas here it seems like the top doesn't really care. And I feel sorry too, that perhaps the reason there's no women in my program is because they were repulsed. My whole life I've wanted to prove that computers and video-games has something for everyone.

 

[Ultima_5]

You grew past em. Call em out and see if that helps but try to make other friends in the meantime. Some people adjust to being called out. Some don't. Give em a shot to grow