"Well I think everyone feels that so some degree."

[DJGolfClap]

Hey Era. Every time I make myself vulnerable for even a second and confide in someone regarding my Body Dysmorphia Disorder, I invariably get some version of the dismissive comment seen in the thread title. This also happens when I slip up and mention how bad my legs hurt (hips are bone on bone with arthritis in all leg joints since I was about 30).

This thread isn't specifically about BDD or athritis per se, but have many of you encountered something similar with invisible physical/mental disorders that people simply won't grasp the severity of, and how do you counter it?

Also a great time to reiterate that empathy does not equal sympathy. No one ever actually wants or needs sympathy; sympathy just twists an experience to fit into our frame of reference. Empathy - actually trying to understand someone's point of view from their perspective, not ours - is the real deal.

 

[PlanetSmasher]

A lot of people don't have any frame of reference for SPD, so whenever I mention having it and the effects it has on my mental state, people tend to be pretty dismissive of it ("nobody likes wet socks, don't be so dramatic") or just flat-out don't know it exists.

I don't really have a counter for it, I'm afraid. Sometimes giving a formal explanation of what brainshock feels like works, but it's not consistent enough to feel like a useful tool.

 

[Garp TXB]

Yeah it's an irritating way to dismiss someone's affliction or disorder, I used to get that all the time from my severe socially anxiety (which is thankfully in check now thanks to lots of therapy). They probably believe they're helping by making it seem like you're not alone, but it's absolutely not helpful.

Just basic attempts at empathy aren't too difficult. Like, "aw man, sorry, can't imagine what that's like! I feel that a little sometimes, but not what you go through".

 

[Volimar]

As a disabled person I do understand, but I also think that often when people say these things they're trying in their own clumsy way to tell you you're not alone. It can be hard to get people to understand that often it's not all relative and sometimes it's more helpful to acknowledge the way a person feels rather than trying to make it relatable.

 

[Falchion]

Yeah that's not a great response OP. I feel like we should all strive to empathize and acknowledge the struggles of each other without trying to make it seem like less of a big deal.

 

[sph3re]

As someone who has absolutely said this before, I never intend for it to come off as "well everyone feels this so shut up about it," I always say something along the lines of "this is a common feeling and because of this, your feelings are valid." Now I understand how that might come off as patronizing.

Though I've never said this to someone with a specific disability or about a specific disorder. Mainly to friends who are stressed with work or life or troubles that are a bit more abstract (which might not exactly be any better).

 

[DJGolfClap]

As someone who has absolutely said this before, I never intend for it to come off as "well everyone feels this so shut up about it," I always say something along the lines of "this is a common feeling and because of this, your feelings are valid." Now I understand how that might come off as patronizing.

Though I've never said this to someone with a specific disability or about a specific disorder. Mainly to friends who are stressed with work or life or troubles that are a bit more abstract (which might not exactly be any better).

Click to shrink...

I very much appreciate your perspective on this. I know that 9 times out of 10 a person's response is coming from a place of good faith and I need to see that as a win.

I genuinely didn't mean to rant when I created this thread; I'm genuinely trying to find a way to communicate my experiences, and I see that part of that is learning the proper time to do that and person to open up to based on their capacity. I appreciate all of you!

 

[sph3re]

I very much appreciate your perspective on this. I know that 9 times out of 10 a person's response is coming from a place of good faith and I need to see that as a win.

I genuinely didn't mean to rant when I created this thread; I'm genuinely trying to find a way to communicate my experiences, and I see that part of that is learning the proper time to do that and person to open up to based on their capacity. I appreciate all of you!

Click to shrink...

Hey, I appreciate a good rant. Don't worry, I fully understand how you feel, it can absolutely come off as belittling. Or at best, it's just not what you want to hear.

What I've learned is that sometimes you just need someone to say "hey, that's shitty and I feel for you, let's go get a couple of frosty chocolate milkshakes" or whatever it is friends say to each other. Different people have different needs and your feelings when you made this thread (and your feelings in general) are valid :D

 

[echoshifting]

Hey, I experience this too and you deserve better, especially from the people you are closest too. ❤️

 

[meowdi gras]

This thread isn't specifically about BDD or athritis per se, but have many of you encountered something similar with invisible physical/mental disorders that people simply won't grasp the severity of, and how do you counter it?

Click to shrink...

Story of my life. One thing that's helped a little bit has been finally making an effort to obtain professional diagnoses and judicial ruling for my various disabilities and such, as internalizing all that shit for years only made some of them worse. At least receiving that sort of official validation has shut up some of my "antagonists". Others I've just had to cut out of my life cuz I don't need that kind of aggravation.

 

[bananabread]

If I ever mention struggles with food addiction and how Im tryingto eat less, the #1 response is always either 'Oh yeah me too lol!' or concern that I'm becoming anorexic. People don't seem to understand that I'm talking about a serious condition.

 

[Kolya]

We're all a little autistic/Everyone's on the spectrum somewhere!

No, no we are not.

 

[sph3re]

We're all a little autistic/Everyone's on the spectrum somewhere!

No, no we are not.

Click to shrink...

A professor I had once told all of us in class that "everybody's a little disabled." The man has a physical disability. It was a course on disability studies. I was like 5% on his side because I got what he meant but 95% on side of "what in the fuck are you talking about"

 

[Palas]

I've learned not to say this even though depending in the situation it's something I long to hear. It means I'm not crazy, but it's not the best way to say it basically ever.

Sometimes acknowledging a feeling means saying "the unspecificity of your conditions means your feelings are valid" and sometimes it's "the specificity of your conditions means your feelings are valid".

Of course this should never be followed by any kind of "so learn to soldier on".

 

[Servbot24]

I get that with misophonia. "Well nobody really likes chewing sounds". No… you do not get it.

 

[Sheldon Kornpett]

Also a great time to reiterate that empathy does not equal sympathy. No one ever actually wants or needs sympathy; sympathy just twists an experience to fit into our frame of reference.

Click to shrink...

Disagree. I have MDD and I believe my eras of depression are much different from when someone talks about "feeling down sometimes." But still, if I open up to someone and they respond that they think everyone feels that way sometimes, and they relate a story of it from their own life, I don't take that as minimizing or dismissive. I take it as someone I love and trust doing their best to relate to me.

I save the expectation of full, selfless empathy for medical professionals who I am paying to have a detached and objective but compassionate viewpoint.

 

[Dary]

"My mental health tanked so bad, I tried to off myself."
"Well, we've all been there."

 

[LonChaneySpeaks]

I have OCD and I didn't even know I had it for a long time due to people using it as slang for "I like things at right angles." It's often very different from how it's portrayed in popular culture and I wish people wouldn't trivialize stuff like this. It makes it harder for people who actually have it!

 

[jb1234]

"Everyone's tired."

Fuck you, you have no fucking clue what fibro fatigue is like.

 

[Nothing Loud]

"I've had trauma before too"
OMG this never sounds as good as it sounds in your head—do not tell someone who is traumatized some form of this. It doesn't make them feel any better.

"You can't be a weed addict"
Search my post history cuz I'm done explaining what a true blue cannabis use disorder addict looks like.

 

[Princess Viola]

'We're all a little autistic'

dfgjdfjh. shut. up.

 

[Necromanti]

Now there's something I heard a lot growing up. Maybe not entirely intentional gaslighting, but it attempts to minimize and invalidate your suffering.

Sometimes, it's because that person themselves have a very skewed sense of what's "normal" or healthy, and they're in deep denial about their own issues. It took me a lot of time to seek help for things because of that, though it was worse when the "professional" you were seeing was the person saying those things.

I just learned certain conversations aren't worth having with people you can't get through to, and to become a stronger advocate for myself if no one else will.

 

[TheGummyBear]

We're all a little autistic/Everyone's on the spectrum somewhere!

No, no we are not.

Click to shrink...

I actually had to yell at a hospital mental health team about how dismissive and ableist this is.

 

[Wrapped in Black]

"I've had trauma before too"
OMG this never sounds as good as it sounds in your head—do not tell someone who is traumatized some form of this. It doesn't make them feel any better.

Click to shrink...

I absolutely agree that you should never say this to someone who's opening up to you about their trauma, but it is true that everyone holds some trauma to some extent.

 

[Nothing Loud]

I absolutely agree that you should never say this to someone who's opening up to you about their trauma, but it is true that everyone holds some trauma to some extent.

Click to shrink...

I would argue rather that everyone who lives long enough will hold trauma to some extent, but not that everyone currently alive has suffered trauma or a traumatic response, because that is definitely not true, and in either case, it is as said soooo not something one should ever say to someone opening up about trauma

 

[Idde]

It depends. Some people really don't care and say 'everyone feels that way sometimes' as a way to shut you up or diminish what you're going through.

'Everyone gets a little sad sometimes.' When I first collapsed entirely five years ago there was so much pain, loneliness and grief for about two weeks straight that it hurt so much I actually wanted to kill myself. No, not everyone feels like that sometimes. If you knew what that's like you wouldn't brush it off that flippantly.

I deal with it by accepting there are people in the world who just don't care and well screw them, but that's also fine. There are luckily (for me) also people who do care. Also, if you don't know what it's like what I'm going through your opinion is literally irrelevant. If people have entirely no clue what they're talking about, their reaction is based on nothing, and therefore meaningless. Sucks that they're not more empathetic and sympathetic, but...what can you do?

And I've said it before, but empathy (unfortunately) doesn't mean people can fully understand what somethings like that they've never experienced. I have a shit ton of experience with anxiety and grieving and dissociation and shit, but I have no clue what severe body dysmorphia is like. I can try to understand it, but having never lived it, I can never truly feel (and therefore appreciate) how badly it sucks to experience it.

And sorry, but I disagree with no one wanting or needing sympathy. One of my problems was thinking that no one give a single shit about me. The underlying part of sympathy (even if it becomes pity) is caring. Caring that someone is in pain. Knowing that people care about you so they sympathize is something I value very much.

 

[xendless]

The average person is not a trained therapist, and hasn't experienced your experiences, and won't know how to respond. When you don't know the appropriate response or have knowledge of the subject, not much useful can be offered. I would not hold it against them.
The best thing to do is be quiet and listen, but often people feel like they have to contribute something back to show they are engaged in what you're saying, and sometimes that's the wrong thing.

Like of my friends I know I could have a back and forth on the mental health system. But another friend with ptsd from war? I don't have anything of substance to offer there, I never could.

 

[Bansi]

Had this from a friend after my ADHD diagnosis - "But we all feel a little distracted from time to time, it's just normal. Happens to me too."

It's absolutely infuriating. It took me 30 years of suffering to understand that my brain works differently, and seek help. Someone dismissing it casually is super pissing off.

 

[Kiyamet]

Empathy works both ways

Not everyone is equipped to say the right thing so you have to try to appreciate the intent

 

[Gelf]

It depends on where they are coming from when they say it for me. You can say similar things and mean it in an empathetic way or a dismissive way. Unfortunately it's not always easy to judge which when you're autistic unless they go full on asshole about it.

 

[SlyShinobi]

Everyone has their trauma. But when someone opens up and you bring out your trauma as a comparison, the attention is pulled from their pain to you. And the care you should be giving that person is jumbled.

When someone opens up, please just listen.