Men are fragile from decades of being trained that their masculinity should not be challenged, and that they are entitled to women and their bodies.
Why do some guys handle rejection from women so poorly?
- Thread starter TinTuba47
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People are really bad at handling rejection. Men doubly so because many aren't taught how to approach it. Some are taught by their parents that their special and anyone would be happy to have them and that feeds the ego. So when someone rejects them, they take it as a personal attack on their character because thee've believed for however long that they're a catch or whatever. So when they get hurt, they look to cause pain back because they don't like that feeling of not being able enough
I have my moments. I was responding to what the OP was about, not discussing the constant shootings
Yep. I've seen it happen to guys, with the rejected party doing this "well you're probably terrible in bed/asshole, whatever" move.
If it's more common among straight men it's probably because it's easier to feel like you're entitled as a guy, and they're the ones doing far more approaching.
Had someone confess they liked me leaving high school once. I just basically said. "Oh" and then walked home. Not my finest moment haha.
I don't believe it always comes down to ego or misogyny. I think it's entirely possible to believe that you are doing the right thing by pursuing a woman who doesn't wish to be pursued. You are always wrong of course, but when you perceive your partner as your only lifeline to happiness (e.g. if you suffer from depression or have been in prior abusive relationships), letting go can seem equal to walking into a suicide booth. A guy might perceive this as "not giving up" when in reality it's just being an asshole. The most important thing guys (and girls) need is a support network, so that when shit hits the fan, there are sober, sane people around to remind the person in question that their happiness isn't hard-wired into being in one specific relationship, and the most important message: your partner has the right to be left alone forever if they wish.
Online communities are probably super toxic in this regard. I've seen threads on this site (and tons on the old site) where a guy gives some vague description of something his girlfriend did wrong and is met immediately with overwhelming sympathy for the dudes' plight with almost zero concern for what the girl might be feeling. I think in the "real world", people are much better able to identify a more nuanced interpretation of relationship problems.
So my advice, get some good friends, so when you inevitably feel rejection, you have other humans who can get you back on your feet without being a creepazoid.
Sidenote: If we are just talking about rejection in the "walk up to the girl and ask her out", then the above doesn't apply. I don't think there's any justification for being an asshole in that setting, of course!
Online communities are probably super toxic in this regard. I've seen threads on this site (and tons on the old site) where a guy gives some vague description of something his girlfriend did wrong and is met immediately with overwhelming sympathy for the dudes' plight with almost zero concern for what the girl might be feeling. I think in the "real world", people are much better able to identify a more nuanced interpretation of relationship problems.
So my advice, get some good friends, so when you inevitably feel rejection, you have other humans who can get you back on your feet without being a creepazoid.
Sidenote: If we are just talking about rejection in the "walk up to the girl and ask her out", then the above doesn't apply. I don't think there's any justification for being an asshole in that setting, of course!
OP
OP
So I was correct! Yeah, my attitude was always 'if she turns me down, at the very least a woman received a (non-creepy) compliment, probably feels a little better about herself, ergo the world is a slightly better place today. My ego will heal'
To hear that YEARS LATER you still positively remember an interaction where you rejected a stranger...man, that makes me both happy and sad
Happy that I was right all along, and sad to think that if dudes just behaved a LITTLE BIT BETTER we'd all be happier
Men generally don't know how to handle their feelings, misogyny, and entitlement.
Lol I've done this once to a woman though. I got her number at a bar while I was also courting my wife. The next day i changed my mind, deciding to just hone in on my wife, so I didn't bother calling the bar lady. Hahaha about two weeks later the bar lady call me while drunk, on speakerphone with her friends and they are all laughing at me and mocking me for not being a real man and giving her a call. Lol I dodged a bullet and luckily ended up with my wife.
In my experience its better than getting turned down in person. I get rejected in person, my swag takes a hit. I call a day later in my comfortable jammies and get ignored, then its shrug and oh well. And like others have pointed out our hurt feelings don't mean shit. Women do that "phone # rejection" for their safety.
Lol I've done this once to a woman though. I got her number at a bar while I was also courting my wife. The next day i changed my mind, deciding to just hone in on my wife, so I didn't bother calling the bar lady. Hahaha about two weeks later the bar lady call me while drunk, on speakerphone with her friends and they are all laughing at me and mocking me for not being a real man and giving her a call. Lol I dodged a bullet and luckily ended up with my wife.
I think on a whole probably very true. I can't deny gender differences. Obviously there are unique cases but all in all. Men do more asking, get rejected more and of course the possibility of crazy is there more because of it.
Rejection isn't easy for some. Some of it is definitely entitled ego. Sometimes guys have a real strange way of saving face, too.
I've seen women take rejection poorly, too.
I've seen women take rejection poorly, too.
The OP was talking about men (and gay guys), so you were exactly as off-topic. We both know this shit is way worse and more common with men, why are you squirming?
Here's an actual text exchange from one of the many times I've been rejected... note the sense of relief in her response at the end, as she may have been expecting me to freak out on her, as I'm sure it's happened to her before...
She had zero reason to "thank" me, but since a man's bruised ego is such delicate bullshit, she thanked me for doing the bare minimum and being courteous - how messed up is that!
She had zero reason to "thank" me, but since a man's bruised ego is such delicate bullshit, she thanked me for doing the bare minimum and being courteous - how messed up is that!
I don't understand that response either OP.
I just realized I've never been turned down by any woman in my life....huh...hadn't even thought about that.
I've only ever broken things off....now I kind of feel bad (not in all cases though..had some crazies). I'd have been kind if I was turned down though.
Edit* Now that I'm thinking back, I did have a long term relationship where we broke it off after 4 years...that one did hurt...but I didn't lash out at her in any way. What good would that do.
I just realized I've never been turned down by any woman in my life....huh...hadn't even thought about that.
I've only ever broken things off....now I kind of feel bad (not in all cases though..had some crazies). I'd have been kind if I was turned down though.
Edit* Now that I'm thinking back, I did have a long term relationship where we broke it off after 4 years...that one did hurt...but I didn't lash out at her in any way. What good would that do.
Rejection is always going to hurt. The people who take it really badly are people set their expectations too high and the rejection hurts twice as bad.
The whole myth of "If I'm nice to her she will go out with me" is at fault. You should be nice to everyone and not expect anything in return. It's called courtesy.
It's even worse when the nice act is just that. An act.
When they lash out due to rejection they show their true colors.
The whole myth of "If I'm nice to her she will go out with me" is at fault. You should be nice to everyone and not expect anything in return. It's called courtesy.
It's even worse when the nice act is just that. An act.
When they lash out due to rejection they show their true colors.
Here's an actual text exchange from one of the many times I've been rejected... note the sense of relief in her response at the end, as she may have been expecting me to freak out on her, as I'm sure it's happened to her before...
She had zero reason to "thank" me, but since a man's bruised ego is such delicate bullshit, she thanked me for doing the bare minimum and being courteous - how messed up is that!
You were really cool about it. I would have thanked you as well. It's crazy to read the listings on the nice guy reddit.
I think the real problem is that, for a lot of these guys, the concept of intimidation or violence due to rejection isn't a crazy concept.
If you speak to the average woman, hell even some ugly ones, you will learn that they are approached by at least a factor of x5 compared to the average man.
The quality of the men might be something else entirely, but a woman without options is pretty much a oxymoron in western society.
As for the rejection thing, again, I'd invite you to speak to your female friends and co-workers. If a woman really wants a guy, she can usually get him, even if only temporarily. It's much harder for guys to say no in my experience than women.
Yeah, it's likely a quality thing. But if all of those options are terrible, it's not an enviable embarrassment of riches.
Not saying this is the case for everyone, but I always felt like initiating courtship was a responsibility that I never wanted, wasn't good at, and wasn't equipped to deal with as a quiet and very shy person. For me personally, it was borderline impossible to approach someone I was interested in, and the few times I went through with it, it took a ton of effort to force myself to take the plunge.
Obviously coming from that place, it's very rough to then be turned down and have your personal shortcomings "confirmed" in your mind. But you can't pull this kind of shit, verbal or (even worse) physical assault can never be justified, no matter how bad you feel.
Also my experiences were for *in person* approaches, not this online dating stuff. If you're an asshole to someone for rejecting you via text message, you have real issues.
Obviously coming from that place, it's very rough to then be turned down and have your personal shortcomings "confirmed" in your mind. But you can't pull this kind of shit, verbal or (even worse) physical assault can never be justified, no matter how bad you feel.
Also my experiences were for *in person* approaches, not this online dating stuff. If you're an asshole to someone for rejecting you via text message, you have real issues.
Friend zone isn't a myth. It simply means that the woman wants to be friends while the guy doesn't. You can be put into the friend zone at any time. Anything more than this is just digging for no reason.
To the bolded: "I mean, I was being nice. Of COURSE she should get with me if I'm trying!"
The "nice" in "nice guy" is a front. Doing something to get something in return, but relationships aren't built that way, even in business.
...she could've just been saying thank you to either A) you wishing her the best, or B) saying it was glad hanging out and getting to know her.Here's an actual text exchange from one of the many times I've been rejected... note the sense of relief in her response at the end, as she may have been expecting me to freak out on her, as I'm sure it's happened to her before...
She had zero reason to "thank" me, but since a man's bruised ego is such delicate bullshit, she thanked me for doing the bare minimum and being courteous - how messed up is that!
This is such a great response and I wish more guys knew to handle rejection this way.Here's an actual text exchange from one of the many times I've been rejected... note the sense of relief in her response at the end, as she may have been expecting me to freak out on her, as I'm sure it's happened to her before...
She had zero reason to "thank" me, but since a man's bruised ego is such delicate bullshit, she thanked me for doing the bare minimum and being courteous - how messed up is that!
No idea.
I've asked people out and been rejected. I was bummed.
I've also rejected people. The men I've said no to were significantly more pissy about it than the women.
I've asked people out and been rejected. I was bummed.
I've also rejected people. The men I've said no to were significantly more pissy about it than the women.
That's pretty much it.
A lot of guys think they can "convince" a girl to go out with them if they play their cards right. That's why you see negging or other stupid PUA tricks being used.
It didn't really hit me until I started dating my GF. She dumped her BF at the time for me and I had all sorts of questions from male friends on what's the "secret". One guy even sent me a long letter for advice about some girl he likes and how he can convince her to dump her "loser" boyfriend for him.
It's like women don't have a mind of their own. If they see a couple on the street, clearly the guy pulled some tricks to make it happen.
I was shocked when I realized how rare proper behavior is. I've gotten lots of thanks like he did; I don't understand how "Best of luck!" isn't the default response when you're talking about something after 2-3 dates. It's not a "breakup," and there shouldn't be hurt feelings because there shouldn't really BE feelings at that point.
It's just the end of a mutual audition. At that point, you either never speak again or become friends. It's really not hard.
It is also regularly used to describe a guy pretending to be their friend for a protracted period of time to maintain proximity while also complaining to anyone who'll listen about the relationship choices the object of their affection makes. In that case, there's no actual friendship going on there from one side, just misplaced hope and entitlement protecting an ego either scared of or hurt from rejection. I don't see why a woman telling someone she doesn't want to date them needs to have a negative connotation of having 'placed them in x location'. It's just rejection.
Probably just because society expects men to be the one to initiate advances so men are the ones making more advances and women are in position to be more choosy.
Even individuals who reject those gender roles personally are still impacted by them.
Just look at data on swipe and match rates on tinder etween men and women.
Too much video games. The opposite sex is not a game to be played "correctly" for a scripted reward.
"Some guys" in the title sure doesn't seem like it held up in here. Yeah guys can have issues like fragile egos and shit, myself included in the past... But these days, rejection isn't a big thing, I just move on. I never expect anything and I guess that's the key.
#no tall men #therearedozensofus
#no tall men #therearedozensofus
The same reason some people lose their minds when they lose a game, or don't get something they wanted and expected to get -- because they never learned how to control themselves in public settings. There's nothing wrong about having painful or negative feelings. It's completely normal to be hurt when you tell someone you care about them and they respond less enthusiastically than you'd like, but part of growing up is learning that your first emotional response to stimuli is A) rarely the most reasonable one and B) not something you should immediately share with the world.
OP
OP
I'm a queer (bi) woman. I absolutely don't get hung up on being rejected by women, and like OP I'm mystiified on why guys take it so hard and so personally, other than male pride/ego as others have pointed out.
Same, totally. Some guys just don't take no for an answer too and can get verbally abusive or even violent... even if the reason you're rejecting them is that you've already got a partner. I'm WAY more relaxed when a woman asks me out because even if I'm not interested in them we can still be friends and have a great time that way.
Yep, please keep doing as you've been doing! You're probably making someone's day. It is sad because that's the only time I can think of that a guy wasn't pushy or rude about it.
OP
OP
Do you ever have guys hit on you, you turn them down and then they call you a lesbian?
I know this happens all the time to a lot of women. But as a queer woman, it must be extra uncomfortable. Part of you must wanna scream out 'well as a matter of fact I AM into women, but that's none of your business and it frankly has NOTHING to do with why i'm rejecting you!'
But i'm sure you must just have to bite your lip, because if he's already spewing out homophobic garbage at that point, outing yourself as bisexual probably isn't a good idea, at least from a 'personal safety' standpoint
It sucks, you have my sympathy
My thing was more taking it in stride in the moment, but I was usually bitter and vindictive about it later.
OP
OP
So you would actually retaliate after the fact? Did you manage to fix your behaviour?
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