hey guys, new to this here:
so here is the deal: iam 30, single, virgin, never had any intimate contact to any girl. never worked out in university or in school, i was a very shy guy, and during my study-time, i asked out so many girls only to find myself paying for dinner, cinema, drinks, coffee and after one date, the girl was gone. every girl met me during daytime, since they were more comfortable, because i am a dark coloured-indian-background-guy. i am german, though.
so i asked out a lot of girls, but it never went past the first initial "date". after each date, we hugged and that was good bye, without meeting again.
i now sort of start to lose hair(receding hairline) just because of this sickening situation.
my friends sort of make fun of it or do not help out. they know about this, and they are not able to help. most of them are now in long-term-relationships or married. they start to ignore me or well... do not have time with me going out for drinks/meeting new people/engaging in some fun activities.
one friend told me to consult a psychiatrist, because he thinks iam very weird for not being able to ask a girl out and "getting" that girl. for me getting all that courage together and talk to a girl is almost like harassment or being raped. i feel very uncomfortable. i really would love to be asked out by a girl, but i was never even being approached by a girl, except in school time, but only for my finished homework.
am i doomed to being forever alone? what is wrong me? why me? what to do?
This hits close to home.
I've been living life basically only focusing on school. 28 and in grad school, no real LTRs to speak of much less any significant romantic relationship. My close friends are either engaged, married, or in pretty lengthy relationships. In my case it's not about them actively not wanting to help me, it's that I don't seek their help because, well, my situation is kind of less than dignifying.
Just being upfront because my advice isn't from someone who has it all figured out, or even someone who has overcome it completely. This advice is coming from someone in a similar position right now, and what I'm personally doing to combat it.
First off, try your absolute hardest to avoid hitting emotional rock bottom. Doomed to being forever alone, feeling completely unwanted, undateable, what have you. I realize this is a lot easier said than done. Hell, I experienced this just a couple of days ago and almost made the same post you just made. It's a horrible feeling. I know it first hand, it feels like a rusted serrated knife slowly being slid into my chest. It doesn't help me, though. After two or three of these depressive episodes I realized dwelling on it wasn't helping me deal with it, if anything it was stagnating any progress and amplifying my insecurities and feelings of inadequacy. I'm carefully trying to not "solve" this by bottling it up, but rather using that energy to helping myself.
If I may indulge in some armchair psychiatry, and really only doing it because your situation sounds so much like mine, you seem to be like me in that you seem to have a severe problem with self esteem. This doesn't just permeate through dating. This is about everything for me. In school I'm constantly feeling like I'm not where I should be. I constantly fear my friends don't really like me, or if they do, that they don't want to be as close a friend as I want to be to them. And for dating it sometimes feels like nobody would ever want to be with me, and I don't feel like anyone has ever found me attractive.
But I can and do think of plenty of things that actively serve as evidence against these depressive "theories". I get surprised when friends reach out to me, something they wouldn't do it they genuinely didn't like me. I go over my accomplishments in academics to remind myself I do belong where I am. Thinking of these helps me realize that "doomed to be forever alone" is not really something to be genuinely worried about.
Others have posted the suggestion to see a therapist. I very very much second that motion. Something similar has helped me with working out issues I believe are at the true root of my dating woes. If you want over PM I can share that experience, since it's a bit too personal to share freely in the board. But I'd be happy to discuss it if it at all helps you.
Anyway, I remind myself that no, no one is ever truly undateable. Nobody who legitimately wants to be with someone is truly "doomed" to loneliness. I know it's really really hard to look at this chronic loneliness you've been feeling and think there's just something wrong with you as a person. Trust me I feel that fairly commonly. But honestly, all it takes for me to shake myself out of this mentality is to go people-watching, go for a walk, spot all the couples where the guy is just really really not very good looking at all, and think to myself "hey THIS guy found someone!"
That not-good-looking guy found someone. I haven't found anyone but I'm confident I will. I'm confident you will. Just really try to avoid going down a spiral of beating yourself down. Because it's very easy to do that to yourself. Nobody knows your failures more thoroughly as you. But that's not really the point in self improvement. The point is to know that you don't have to be an awesomely amazing 10/10-looking person to find love. I know I'm not. The vast, vast majority of people aren't. But love happens anyway. It happens to everyone, and one day it'll happen to me and you.
If you want to PM feel free. I do sympathize with what you're going through 100%.
