Lol for real. A good amount of my friends who are now married hooked up with their now-wife at a college party having never met them before that night, hehe.
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Any tips for getting the most out of dating apps?
Tried OkCupid and Bumble but they didn't work out for me. The only app I've gotten responses on is Tinder which I've been using since late May but even then I never met anyone from it. I get around 6-8 matches a month and usually I can get 2 or 3 people to respond. My problem seems to be that they stop responding or unmatch me the moment I try to exchange numbers or ask them out. So I figure the messaging phase is where I go wrong since I'm pretty confident in my pictures.
Honestly, I used to swipe twice a day to the maximum (when you run out of likes and have to wait 12 hours), reset the app 4 times since, changed up my pictures and bio several times and tried to comment on something that was in someone's pictures for bio the first message. But the results didn't really improve after months and I feel discouraged and frustrated that I don't really use the app that often now and hardly have the motivation to message the few matches I have right now. Is there a better way to approach the app or is there a better app to try that isn't Tinder, Bumble or OkCupid? Or maybe these apps just aren't for me.
Tried OkCupid and Bumble but they didn't work out for me. The only app I've gotten responses on is Tinder which I've been using since late May but even then I never met anyone from it. I get around 6-8 matches a month and usually I can get 2 or 3 people to respond. My problem seems to be that they stop responding or unmatch me the moment I try to exchange numbers or ask them out. So I figure the messaging phase is where I go wrong since I'm pretty confident in my pictures.
Honestly, I used to swipe twice a day to the maximum (when you run out of likes and have to wait 12 hours), reset the app 4 times since, changed up my pictures and bio several times and tried to comment on something that was in someone's pictures for bio the first message. But the results didn't really improve after months and I feel discouraged and frustrated that I don't really use the app that often now and hardly have the motivation to message the few matches I have right now. Is there a better way to approach the app or is there a better app to try that isn't Tinder, Bumble or OkCupid? Or maybe these apps just aren't for me.
I'd say keep working on your bio/pics. Maybe you're taking too long to ask them out/number or aren't being assertive enough with setting something up. The only message I said on Tinder is "hey ___, down to get a drink _____". It works for me but YMMV, I live in a huge metro area and get enough matches that I can send it out willy-nilly. It won't hurt to try other apps but Tinder overall Tinder has been the best for me.
Good point. I try not to wait too long before asking someone out or asking for a number (usually 4-6 messages) but I never did try just immediately opening up with asking them out. I guess I worry about moving too fast and scaring them off but now that I think on it, a friend of mine did just that and it worked for him. Though I try not to compare myself to him because he gets about 5 times as many matches as I do haha. At the same time, maybe I should treat my matches like I have a lot more. I'll try your suggestions, thanks!
On the topic of bios though, what to you generally think works? I have had longer bios where I've described a few things I like and at times a joke about my name because people have trouble pronouncing it, which sometimes has gotten people to message me first trying to guess it. I kind of feel like something super brief is more suited to Tinder but maybe not?
It's not that. It's just if she were to come over on a work night I wouldn't really have much time for her. I'd rather hang out on the weekend. If I do wake up next to someone, I would want to spend the day with them, not kick them out of my house because I've got to go to work.
Nah, it was a $385 or something like that from Costco. I think it ended up being a little over $400 when all was said and done.
Sometimes you gotta make some sacrafices or do some less than ideal shit to kick start a relationship.
Like peeps gotta be open to it not being exactly how you envision it. It's not like if she comes over you have to have sex. You have the agency to not let it come to that if you dont want it to.
Yeah I guess I should find therapy for that as well, but well right now I dont have much money so cant afford them but yeah I guess ure right and should give them a shot for that too.
Just that therapy being the answer for everything is kinda eh ><
So I have a bit of a problem. Randomly over the past year when I spend the night with my girlfriend I'll wake up and be in a really weird hazy kind of lucid state and I'll initiate sex with her. She's okay with it, enjoys it even. But it's weird. I have like vague recollections of it but it honestly feels closer to a dream. She isn't taking advantage of me so lets not even try to go there, I know I initiate it, I can always recall that much. But yeah its just weird, I feel like a sleep fucker or something.
So has anyone else ever dealt with this?
So has anyone else ever dealt with this?
Not personally but I remember on the other site we frequented there was a couple of other sleep fuckers.
sounds pretty normal. you're probably waking up in the middle of the night bc you're horny, and it takes your body some time to fully wake up so if you're half asleep and you're having sex, that could account for the dream-like state you experience. has this happened with anyone else you've been with when you slept over?
It's not the answer per se--going to therapy isn't magically going to give you the answers to your woes, but it'll give you the tools to deal with them in a healthy manner.
OP
OP
You wanna know why you look fine in the mirror but think you look like shit in photographs? The mirror is a mirror. You're building your sense of self-image based off a reflection. Now don't jump to "so I'm even uglier than I think", that's not the point. You're just a terrible judge of how you look in photographs.
Therapy isn't the answer, but it'll help for a lot of problems in this thread. It's freaking awesome. Let's break down what a therapist is - an individual trained in helping people who legally can't repeat anything they hear to anyone else. They're people that'll take the time to listen to your problems, listen to your history, link those problems to your past, and help you see your life from new angles. More importantly, you have reason to trust them. Every person in this thread can be easily written off. A therapist is a physical presence, a face, a solid entity you're more likely to believe.
It only started with my current girlfriend, and I dont sleep in the same bed with other people so I dont know.
Well good to know there are other sleep fuckers. Maybe they'll come out of the woodwork and give me any advice or prepare me for if this ever becomes a problem lol
Not a single thing. We don't do Christmas for each other. He is not big on Christmas and all our money goes into one account so it seems silly for me to want something and have him buy it for me with money we both earned rather than me just going and buying it. We aren't huge spenders in general so for the most part if we want something we just go and buy it.
I do Christmas with my parents and older brother and I had a hard time coming up with ideas of stuff they can buy me. I am just happy with what I have.
what problem? you're horney and you wake up wanting to fuck. most guys wake up with a hard on so it's not something that usually goes away. the less attracted you become to her (the longer you're with her), the less times you'll wake up wanting to fuck is all. you should be stoked your gf reciprocates
Actually I tend to trust an anonymous entity that does it for free more than someone that gets paid for it and benefits for sticking with you lol
But yeah I get it, they are trained and can give a healthier and more informed perspective about my problems I guess.
Its mostly a problem of what if this persists with someone that isn't okay with it, or it happens when she's not okay with it.
Also having morning wood and acting on horny urges while half asleep are two different things.
sexsomnia has been used as a defence in rape cases in sweden
sometimes legitimately sometimes not
if you have legitimate sexsomnia and you're with someone who would not be ok with that, you could be in serious trouble
sometimes legitimately sometimes not
if you have legitimate sexsomnia and you're with someone who would not be ok with that, you could be in serious trouble
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I think you're mistaking a normal libido with a legitimate disorder.
And your morning wood doesn't go away on its own if you don't get some? >.>
sounds like i am, i didn't know sleep fucking was a disorder. i guess talk to your Dr about it then.
my sex drive is incredibly high so no it doesn't go away unless i take care of myself in the morning or sex my wife up but mornings aren't good for us with 2 kids so i usually do it during shower routine. very rarely do i not wake up with a boner. i'm 31 and it's been like this since puberty
Yeah, that's my worry.
Although if I ever start dating again that'd be a great ice breaker. "If we ever share a bed theres a chance my sexsomnia might act up." /s
Can't take the risk.
It's good to do occasional sprees like that to just to get over any inhibitions you may have about scheduling. I've also found that type of spree to be very helpful with both clearing out my backlog and helping me realize what I really want. Dates have a much more noticeable gradient in quality when they're done in quick succession like that.
Yeah, it is a bit callous, but I think everyone that's been using apps for a while in any high-density area has the experience of spending too much time swiping over the course of a few days. I've learned to sluice myself better, as I have a better impression of my match rate and who I'll likely match with.
I have never tried dating apps but I understand what you are saying, like if you have a good presentation you might get bombarded with matches so it could add up really quick.
Haha ironically, I'm trying to get bombarded with matches. Four dates in four days sounds like an awesome predicament to be in.
It's not.
I think I once had seven dates in seven days. Shit's expensive.
One or two a week is more than enough.
OP
OP
It's...weird. Online dating is the best and worst thing to happen to dating. In situations where you have four dates lined up - and a backlog of girls on your phone - it gets harder to be present with your current date. You get lost in the search for the "best" match.
Think about how people buy Toasters nowadays. Used to be you go to a store, find a toaster, and it suits you nicely for years. Now you go to Amazon, look at star reviews, google "best toasters 2017"....
Yeah that would break my wallet. Just one a week would be ideal for me if I'm being serious.
I've done that before but it usually never plays out according to plan as one date always has to re schedule at some point which conflicts with the plans you've made with girl #1.
The most I'll spend for with internet randos on a first meeting is a coffee or a dessert. Anything more isn't worth the money, or the time, and are also harder to schedule. Drinks really require a free evening in case it turns into something more, but even giving that much free time is kind of more than I like to give to people I don't even know.
thanks for all your answers, but i am still lost, since there is only a therapist, you guys are suggesting to me.
wow, this response touched me really.
i am 65kg/175cm hence a slim person. i am not a fully trained/worked out person, but i am in shape. but working out has not helped me out at all.
even though iam a socially active person, i feel very lonely on a party or in the middle of downtown. i only see everyone else being happy with their date.
i am not a person being proud of something i have achieved so far. i fucked up my master's degree and now i feel very depressed, which is something additional to "that" problem.
and i have the exact same problem about friends: if they dont reach out to me, i feel like they have ditched me. there are some friends of mine, who are full-time-autists, because they are only interested in playing videogames and discussing it, even in a not professional way, but except that, its only their wife/girlfriend. so i feel very unwelcome or… well not comfortable around these people, because i fell behind already… and i mean i know that i am so much more capable of, but i simply never got the chance.
so is it my fault? is it the fault of the others?
i have a lot of trouble figuring out what is wrong with me. and another problem is, that i always have the assumption, that people/girls out there are simply not interested in people with dark colour.
You are still young dude - people blossom at different stages in life - I can only say continue working on yourself - including from the sounds of it by getting help in terms of therapy to deal with your difficultly in approaching women
If you break your goals down into small achievable tasks and actively spend some time every other day you will progress faster than you think -
Those small changes could be anything from looking up communities to join in your area to progress socially - looking up a therapist to talk to - going to the therapist etc
the danger is that you will progress so fast you won't even realise the changes that have occurred - maybe make a note to look back at these posts in say 6 months as a benchmark
Good luck
If you break your goals down into small achievable tasks and actively spend some time every other day you will progress faster than you think -
Those small changes could be anything from looking up communities to join in your area to progress socially - looking up a therapist to talk to - going to the therapist etc
the danger is that you will progress so fast you won't even realise the changes that have occurred - maybe make a note to look back at these posts in say 6 months as a benchmark
Good luck
You look pretty...I look pretty...why don't we go home and stare at each other?
Had the day off yesterday and so did the girl I've been casually seeing, could have met up easy and I got the feeling she wanted to but I slightly got one of those "I don't want to take this serious" moments and stayed home. She sent me a message while I was away on a trip that she had a dream that we were dating ect. Along with a few other messages that make me think shes more into this than me. (slight language barrier differences is what I hope this is)
It's odd because we talk a lot in messages but there isn't so much feeling or spark when I see her in person so I've been kinda mulling that feeling over. Weird feeling at the moment where I don't wanna lead her on if I'm honestly not feeling anything but also hoping it's just her way of writing/my own reading comprehension in this language lol.
It's odd because we talk a lot in messages but there isn't so much feeling or spark when I see her in person so I've been kinda mulling that feeling over. Weird feeling at the moment where I don't wanna lead her on if I'm honestly not feeling anything but also hoping it's just her way of writing/my own reading comprehension in this language lol.
Dating isn't your actual issue, it's your self perception which is hindering your confidence with people generally even before you start to think about a romantic relationship. That's not something this topic can help you with. So you need a therapist to work through that.
That's the one! I just adjust it to "someplace public" instead of home and then throw in a mention of some activity or discussion relevant to their interests at the end, and it works every. Single. Time.