The sad thing is, on the internet a lot of people see "support" thread as "give me attention" threads and not "hey let's try and figure out what we can do about our issues" threads.
Heck, you see it in this very thread a lot of the time.
My work and hobbies have kept me from seriously dating for a few months now. Just too much going on.
I still have some friends I occasionally hook up with though, and I guess I'm okay with that. Hard to not catch feelings though. But that's something I need to work on, really. My end goal is to find someone who I can really have a physical and emotional connection to, and I can't seem to get both in one person at the moment. But like I said, I haven't been trying much as the other aspects of my life have been engaging enough.
hey there, iam very sorry, it was never my intention to get attention or anything. i seriously never get proper answers to my question, and this is why i ended up here.
i sort of got it. i will check therapists around me, if there is anything they can do for me. yea, i am sort of depressed because of this issue. an issue i cant fix. an issue everyone else around me seems to be easily to hop on and hop off, but for me, this seems to be a life task which wont be fulfilled, ever. it depresses me and for the longest time i thought i might be able to fix it myself. now i got the confirmation, through the internet, that i am a nut job who needs a therapist.
An attitude like this isn't kept online. It seeps out of your pores and creates a cloud of negative energy that follows you.
i really dont know, if you can see negativity. this sounds very new to me.
You want some advice? DON'T RELY ON OTHER PEOPLE TO BE HAPPY. That's a tall ask for any partner, because now they're responsible for your happiness along with their own. Your first goal should be that comfortable and satisfied life - you don't need a girlfriend to have it. You can be very content with your life while single. When you are, it's a million times easier to date.
i really feel happy around other people. once i am alone, i feel depressed and would love to kill myself, i love playing videogames (offline) to distract myself from loneliness, but i really hate it being alone. once i am alone, iam online, reading things, but just sitting there, with no music or no screen in front of me is unbearable. i really feel happy and safe around people, even strangers. just distraction in any way is good. and the better in know the people, the less i have to concentrate that this is superficial distraction.
Oh they know. But (1) It's not their job to tell you or make you better at dating, and (2) There's a lot of men out there who don't take negative feedback well. That's pain, negative energy, fear, and frustration that they don't need in their lives. "Oh, but I wouldn't be like that". They don't know that! There's risk to them with no benefit. It's not a worthy gamble.
how am i able to figure out, even if i say beforehand that i would love to know to do things better in the future and that other guys are there freaking out and getting frustrated about that? how can i improve if no one tells me what is wrong with me? is everyone seeing a therapist, just because dating is going wrong? why are girls not having these kind of problems? why are only dudes complaining about this topic online, or is it just my subjective perception?
Do you wanna know what everyone suggests seeing a therapist?
- We won't be able to fix you. We aren't trained professionals, we only know what you tell us, and you don't like to listen to us.
- Therapy is awesome. It's someone you can talk to who gets to know you and is legally (in the US at least) forbidden from discussing your issues outside of the office. Get a sexual thrill from dressing up as Bulbasaur? No one else will ever know.
- You need someone you can talk to in real-life. Someone who can see you, see your micro-expressions, and give you good honest feedback. You want someone who'll tell you why girls don't like dating you? Boom, that's a therapist's job.
- Because as you mentioned, your standard ways of fixing things aren't working.
-no, i am listening to you and i am considering seeing a therapist.
-iam in germany, the country who invented psychoanalysis, but i dont know anyone who got into one. i heard from some neighbours about this, but they talked about it in a very bad manner+ i think its a fairly taboo-ish topic to talk about this, i guess.
-iam not sure about seeing a therapist, i feel cramped and unsafe thinking about this. dont you get drugged and your personality changes and stuff? i think this takes several years, doesnt it?
thanks again for everyone who answered to my... questions.
That's all well and good but what you project here is what we judge and that shit aint looking too good man. If its how you come across online you probably carry some of that in person.
there might be truth in that.
Make new friends. Talk to less family.
easier said than done. making new friends with 30? i dont even know where to start. i was last year in a boxing club, after three months there was a birthday party, i was the only one not being invited to that. i was friendly and chatty, but this was sort of... the reason why i stopped going to that. why was everyone invited except me? even the one guy who is radio silent was invited. i always answered in a friendly manner, never talked when i was not asked to... so well....
Talking to someone you like is not different to talking to someone you dont. Still a person. You liking them doesnt mean anything. Treat them different when they reciprocate interest. Before that its just a person all the same. Also. Part of talkig to people is learning when they are down and when they wanna be left alone. If you cant tell you need more practice. Tone, diction, energy level, engagement, body language are all indicstors as to whether someone is or ins't enjoying a convo. You have to learn.
i havent figured out this. why are people around me, less gifted or less smart able to nail this one issue, and i am not???
This is why you need therapy. This isn't healthy. But think of it this way. I would never want to be the literal determinant of another person's self worth. Way too much pressure, way too much work. This is not an attractive desire. No one wants to be the source of your self worth. Find worth in yourself man. Even if you get a girl, you'll chsse her off with this attitude.
iam not sure, but: everyone suggesting me getting therapy... i get it.
BUT.
why are women always the ones pampered? always the ones getting invites?
always the ones complaining?
why is there a princess-snydrome, where a psycho/needy/helpless/poor woman is able to get a super nice gentleman( this happened to one of my friends) while i have never seen it the other way around? is it simply not existing? or is our society built upon this paradigm???
am i the only one complaining about this?
i hear from friends like: grow a pair, man up and stuff like that, but deep down, i feel very hurt and very unsecure. thanks to the whole #metoo debate, i feel like, now everyone is watching me even more.
Yeah it's a shame and, yeah, the biggest issue with many of them is that they believe nothing can help. That kind of thinking is the biggest reason why they can't deal with their problems. I think that a good chunk of them, deep down, prefer the hardship they know/are comfortable with than confront their issues (which would result in new kinds of hardship). It might sound judgemental of me but I'm speaking from experience. I had some really bad mental problems and it took me over 9 years of hard work to feel good about myself. A lot of the things that are being said in that thread are things I used to believe and it often felt easier to just wallow in my problems than try to deal with them. My psychologist help me work through all that. But I don't want to derail further, I just think it's sad when I've (sort of) been in their shoes and know it can get better.
To try and say something on topic, I'm a tinder noob and I'm really surprised at how much tinder can change what types of girls it shows you. A few days ago it showed me mostly girls into fitness/training and today there were mostly girls who studies the humanities.
as i said:i came to this thread to seek help. i am not here to vent or to get attention. i only want help or suggestions how to improve my situation. as everyone suggested, i made an appointment at a therapist, i dont know when i will get into that and if that works, but since everyone says that i seem to be beyond repair and there might be something deep down, i think i have to pull the plug and go there.
i am very frightened, because i believe medications and drugs are making you different… it changes your personality… and that is why i really would love to fix it by my own. but it seems from my and the perspective of the internet unfixable.
thanks anyways for your suggestions and help. i'll let you know, if there was anything which was able to help me.
