It's not that serious lol. And ya I'm sure I want to make fun of your post which is why I did it.
Was/am I being sensitive?
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It's not that serious lol. And ya I'm sure I want to make fun of your post which is why I did it.
I feel like random people are touching me on the arm/back/shoulder all the time.
Coming from a more Japanese style household environment I thought this was an American thing, but reading this thread makes me feel like maybe I'm just a really touchable person haha.
Coming from a more Japanese style household environment I thought this was an American thing, but reading this thread makes me feel like maybe I'm just a really touchable person haha.
Good rule of thumb: Don't touch someone unless you know they're OK with it. Always assume they're not OK with it. And most importantly, understand that this is not because of anything about you; it's a general rule of thumb.
I actually find it odd that you decided to include yourself in a personal conversation to begin with. Personally I would have avoided even being in the same room during the conversation. If she wanted to talk to you about it then she would.
The meme is about creepy people asking for hugs. You think it would be better to just grab them instead?
User Warned: Trolling
Am I allowed to respond? Do I have your permission?
Why do people keep saying he grabbed her? He clearly said it was a one second touch on the shoulder.
This thread is insane. Why is it always one extreme or the other, either a full on creeper or "muh PC gone mad" scenario?
I wouldn't have done the shoulder touch myself to anyone other than a close friend (and probably not even then) and I don't doubt that it was well-intentioned, but given the situation, I can see why she might have recoiled. I don't think the hostility with which she seemingly did so was necessary, but you did the right thing by apologising and not kicking up a further stink about it. Yes, you're probably being a tad overly sensitive about the whole thing but the people implying you're weird for doing so are wrong, just like some people prefer their own space, some people are predisposed to overthinking the most menial shit.
Don't worry about it, OP. You know not to do it again, at the very least with this particular person, and that's that.
I wouldn't have done the shoulder touch myself to anyone other than a close friend (and probably not even then) and I don't doubt that it was well-intentioned, but given the situation, I can see why she might have recoiled. I don't think the hostility with which she seemingly did so was necessary, but you did the right thing by apologising and not kicking up a further stink about it. Yes, you're probably being a tad overly sensitive about the whole thing but the people implying you're weird for doing so are wrong, just like some people prefer their own space, some people are predisposed to overthinking the most menial shit.
Don't worry about it, OP. You know not to do it again, at the very least with this particular person, and that's that.
It's the strong emotional reactions in threads like this that get me. Is it really such a triggering thing to say that there isn't some truly terrible sin here, but just a simple regrettable misunderstanding to be learned from?
And there's so much unspoken conflation happening as well. How do handshakes or "grabs" relate at all? I mean, yes, they are forms of touch, but in another league altogether from a momentary hand on the shoulder. Like ya'll are imagining 90% this, rather than relating to actual occurrence.
All that said, the thing about not touching as a general rule of thumb is on the money. The more difficult part, and where most misunderstandings come from, is the hazy gray area as you're getting to know a person when you may make mistakes about the level of expected intimacy, which is all about context and upbringing.
When mistakes or misunderstandings happen in the hazy middle ground of knowing someone it can be difficult to to get back on the same page, but still, there should be some reasonable space for working out the misunderstanding. IE, apologizing, and moving on.
And there's so much unspoken conflation happening as well. How do handshakes or "grabs" relate at all? I mean, yes, they are forms of touch, but in another league altogether from a momentary hand on the shoulder. Like ya'll are imagining 90% this, rather than relating to actual occurrence.
All that said, the thing about not touching as a general rule of thumb is on the money. The more difficult part, and where most misunderstandings come from, is the hazy gray area as you're getting to know a person when you may make mistakes about the level of expected intimacy, which is all about context and upbringing.
When mistakes or misunderstandings happen in the hazy middle ground of knowing someone it can be difficult to to get back on the same page, but still, there should be some reasonable space for working out the misunderstanding. IE, apologizing, and moving on.
Whoa, I didn't give you permission to insult me. I don't appreciate your aggression. Don't reply to me.
So uh you touched her, she didn't like it, she moved away and said don't touch me.
What's the issue? She was having a personal convo with a friend, you don't even know her yet (as you say she moved in a few weeks ago and you've spoken 5 or 6 times in that timeframe) and jumped in on her conversation. Intentions or not she didn't want you to touch her and she let you know.
What's the issue? She was having a personal convo with a friend, you don't even know her yet (as you say she moved in a few weeks ago and you've spoken 5 or 6 times in that timeframe) and jumped in on her conversation. Intentions or not she didn't want you to touch her and she let you know.
You don't have to touch people to console them.
You can, you know, talk?
OP should show all these responses of men telling her to take a chill pill, I am sure she would understand how emotional she was when she overreacted .
Women are delicate things, but she is clueless to whether it was ok or not to trouch her, better go correct her OP.
Women are delicate things, but she is clueless to whether it was ok or not to trouch her, better go correct her OP.
yeah the touch on the shoulder is a particularly funny one.
i remember being a kid and when my teacher would do it i always felt patronized.
where i'm from [western Canada], if you're close with someone you'd just hug them or not touch at all.
the shoulder man... the SHOULDER.
just never do that.
although keep in mind, with that said, i don't find anything you did "wrong" and/or "creepy", it's just advisable to stick with words and empathetic faces alone - and then when you're good and close, hugs when called for.
i remember being a kid and when my teacher would do it i always felt patronized.
where i'm from [western Canada], if you're close with someone you'd just hug them or not touch at all.
the shoulder man... the SHOULDER.
just never do that.
although keep in mind, with that said, i don't find anything you did "wrong" and/or "creepy", it's just advisable to stick with words and empathetic faces alone - and then when you're good and close, hugs when called for.
okay, if you say so!
the only time i've asked to hug people is for consolation when they're looking down. if it's an affectionate hug, I'm probably not asking since I'm going off body language and context. i'm not asking dates if i can hug them, i'm not asking friends if I can hug them when they're leaving or when i see them.
you might have a personal problem, really.
your don't touch anyone argument has carried over to grief and consolement. don't you think that's a little extreme? luckily, most people don't agree with you on this and aren't bothered by the slightest physical contact.
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Unless she was family or a really close friend, touching her on the shoulder was a bit too far.
Well, consider the difference between "where my hug at" (demanding/ expecting one) and asking someone if they would like one.
Body language and context are important. That can differentiate between when you might want to ask first. The context we've been given is that the girl was having a conversation with someone else, presumably not facing OP, and the housemate she's spoken to five times in as many weeks puts his hand on her. Dates and friends aren't the same as acquaintances.
Maybe I should elaborate a bit about my background. It's in education and I've specialized in special education. I am trained to use touch professionally, but I also know that some are sensitive to it. In the last 3 years I've worked in multicultural youth work around Europe where personal space and touch can be viewed differently from the cultural standpoint.
Common knowledge is, regardless of your background, you don't touch anyone unless you're sure it's ok.
Sure, sometimes you make mistakes, that's human. That is why, if I am not sure, I tend to ask.
the latter sounds like you're talking to a child?
the roommate has also discussed her relationship with OP, though. it's not like the relationship was a surprise and it might seem skeevy. OP showed her a pic of his girlfriend before; if they're somewhat familiar with each other's relationships, it's nothing like a stranger or acquaintance that just overheard trying to console you.
Not Brazil, but my friend's wife is from Ecuador, and the very first time I met her she came in to kiss me on the cheek and I instinctively pulled back like "whoa". She was like "oh sorry, that's how we greet in Ecuador".
Another time we were hanging out, and she casually pulled her titty out, started breastfeeding, and asked me to take a picture of it so she could put it on facebook lol.
The moment wasn't about you. The breakup may have involved some level of troubled intimacy or abuse, she may have felt undesirable, she may have been on edge, she may have thought you made an inappropriate pass.
In any case, if she was uncomfortable, your apology was insincere if you immediately got salty about it. She'll get over it eventually, be a good friend and give her space.
In any case, if she was uncomfortable, your apology was insincere if you immediately got salty about it. She'll get over it eventually, be a good friend and give her space.
idk what else to tell you if you're arguing consolement without physical contact just because you don't like it.
those two unique experiences aren't comparable to the general public. i know kids with autism have body language difficulities, so you have to ask because it's unique and can be problematic.
the issues that would arise from not asking are vastly different from the ones in the general public. along with the situations where you would need to physically engage. i don't think you run a risk of injury if you hug a date without asking.
The kiss in the cheek is the default here too, depending on the state it might be just one or one on each side (between two women or oposite sexes) if it's two men then the greeting is a handshake that might be followed by a kind of side-half-hug with two pats on the back or shoulder.
The breastfeeding thing is more personal, usually they put some kind of towel (cant remember the name in english) to not fully expose the tits if it is being done in public.
Thank you for asking. You're reading a thread in which a man seeking guidance on unexpected behaviour by an upset woman decides he needs to consult his favourite male-dominated gaming board.
It's ResetERA, and the day ends in a Y.
Yeah the breastfeeding wasn't outside. It was in the house. I just wasn't expecting her to pull her titty out like that lol.
It's perfectly fine for them to not want to be touched or to touch an acquaintance. It's the notion that doing so is "weird", "gross" or verboten that is fucked up. I'm glad I don't live in an environment where everyone has a strict hands-off policy. That, to me, is gross and weird. But obviously if an individual has a no-touch policy, we should all respect it. Meanwhile I'll continue to touch people and live with the consequences.
I'm not familiar with Brazil but do they have a huge problem with rape culture and sexism there? We do here and we've let it go unchecked for a long time, and because of that culturally we need strict boundaries to start addressing the issue, not touching people is something easy to understand and simple to do.
Damn you really sound like you don't like it here
Harsh reaction, but not everyone likes being touched, especially if you don't know her like that.
Why not ask yourself, what would cause her to react like that?
You may have meant well, but that doesn't always translate. Now you know she doesn't like being touched. It's safe to assume that's the case with most people.
I agree, I fail to see the issue. Enter personal space, not welcomed, move along.
Yes. It's that simple. If you don't know for sure, don't touch. Ask, if you feel close enough for that to be a meaningful question. If you don't feel comfortable asking, touching without asking would obviously be a bad idea. You're just not close enough, and that's okay.
what a weird, idk, is this your synopsis of one post? nobody else said women are irrational but good contribution.
idk when it happened but there are a good amount of people arguing for the extremes on this site now in an effort to high horse each other. it's funny.
This would come off as an overreaction regardless of gender.
Who is even making any generalisations?
People are saying the woman overreacted, but she's not the one trying to get the internet to review the situation.
Being considerate of people's boundries should always take priority.
Your overly agressive tone in the defense of touching people is just weird.
¸
Yeah, so many idiots arguing in bad faith in here.
No. It's simple, if you're not sure don't touch.
For the last sentence, there are other forms of communication than just language. As you hinted about kids with autism spectrum, body language is one. Others are distance, eye contact, speech tone etc. You run a risk of injury if you hug a date if you're not sure, but it doesn't have to be that bad. If one doesn't like it, the other should be ok with that. Apologize and move on.
But you should never feel entitled to hug. If the other doesn't want it, you should never say they just have to take it.
For anyone you're not friends with and understand what they find acceptable, this pretty much. It might seem like a kind gesture to you, but sometimes the last thing a person wants is another body in their personal space.
OP: She wasn't an arsehole, and while you can't help being sensitive you should understand her reaction was perfectly justified.
This is fucked up and wrong, it's a slap in the face to women who have to suffer with sexism and rape culture every single day.
You should be.
And the post you quoted is supposed to be arguing in good faith? lol
As some have said to you, you being obsessed with touching people is just coming off as weird now.
When someone doesn't like being touched suddenly you view them as "wow what personal problems do you have?"
No point in going back and forth with you anymore.
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