Not as an adult, but as a kid... 5th grade, I got accused by a classmate of mine of using her pen/pencil like it was my penis and, like, doing something lude with it. Something I probably *would* have done, but I definitely had zero interest in this girl like, she was so out of mind for me I wouldn't have done it to her or around her or like ... I dunno, it's something I might have done with other idiot boys but I was like, wait, I... didn't do anything like that. I wasn't into penises and stuff as a kid, like there were some kids growing up who were super into their dicks, yknow like wagging them around and stuff after recess, and, I dunno, I was always kinda shy for things like that. Hell I didn't wear sweat pants for pretty much my whole life because I was embarrassed my junk would show. So anyway, like she accused me of this, and I was an idiot kid who got into stupid trouble a lot, but I just wouldn't have done tht, and I started doubting my own memories, like... "did I do that......?"
Got in mega trouble for that one, had a shitty teacher then too. Realized how great my mom was to me. I was so scared because I thought my mom would be so mad at me and I'd get in trouble, and my mom completely took my side. We had a meeting with the principal, the teacher, me, my mom, and my mom was like ... "Okay, so what did he do?" in a kind of like "well.. what is it this time Albatross...?" (I used to get into trouble a lot as a kid, just rambunctious shit). So she asks the teacher, what did he do, and the teacher put on this like ... moral airs of "oh, it's just too shocking to talk about..." My mom was like ... listen we're all adults, we all have kids, what did he do? So the principal asks me to step out of the room, so I do, and the teacher still wouldn't describe what I did... like, pretendign that she just couldn't be brought to describe something so despicable. My mom wasn't haven't it and was like listen if you can't tell me what he did that's so bad, then how am I going to punish him? Really took my hat off to my mom with that, especially later in life came to appreciate how she had my back. And I thought at the time like, shit I am FUCKED with this. I got in trouble for a ton of shit as a kid and I thought, goddamnit, I didn't do this, and I am going to catch hell for this.
Girl was a fucking liar. Tried to be friends with me through the years after that and I wasn't having it. It's one of the few things I'm actually still a little bitter about. I really don't hold onto many grudges or antipathy against people, but Im still like, yknow what, fuck that person. She ended up becoming a pretty big loser and having a hard life as an adult, so whatever.
Weird thing was that whole episode was the pretense for my dad talking to me about the birds and the bees. That Sunday after that week of school he sat me down to talk about changing bodies and I was like Oh man...... THE TALK, fuuuuck. I was aware of the concept of THE TALK from TV or pop culture or something, but wasn't anticipating it. I'll never forget how he broached the subject, "Hey, Albatross... uhh... so... do you know what's in your testicles?" I was like "uhhh...... no.... maybe like pee?" And he was like "Aah, good guess but... no, it's.. uh, sperm... and uhh sperm is......"