I just found out my bigot, Trump loving cousin is leading a double life.

[Masterz1337]

Total flip side here.

If your cousin is a bigot and is trying to meet people by presenting as transgender, are you sure he's not actually fishing for victims for him to hurt due to his bigoted views?

Everyone here is under the assumption he's secretly trans or non conforming, but is it possible he is straight and bigoted, looking to do harm to those who have sexual interest in transgender/cross dressing/etc?

 

[Kasai]

My step father lived a double life, and we didn't find out till he died. He was super conservative and homophobic, but it turned out he was also deep in the closet and was hooking up with toma of men while he was married to my mom.

I dont have advice, just that at least she can get answers from him. It doesnt get easier to handle, apparently.

 

[FeliciaFelix]

I'd ghost so hard not even Dan Aykroyd would find my photogasm.

 

[uncelestial]

If your cousin is transgender, then you hope she dumps her ass.

Click to shrink...

Is the etiquette really to correct pronouns on behalf of someone who completely disowns being trans in their public life, lives as their at-birth gender every day, keeps it a secret from even their wife, and would be absolutely devastated if you used these pronouns around the wrong company? If this person walked up to you dressed as a man and using their male name, would you ignore that presentation because of this third-hand thing you know about them and start referring to them as she/her?

I could be wrong, but it feels like you're indirectly outing them, and it also feels like if they're not talking about themselves as a woman, it's not your job to start.

 

[Inuhanyou]

there are people in bigoted spaces who feel like they will be discriminated against if they like their public face slip.

Its why there are so many people int he closet

 

[Gundam]

I could be wrong, but it feels like you're indirectly outing them, and it also feels like if they're not talking about themselves as a woman, it's not your job to start.

Click to shrink...

You'd be right, if I were doing that in public. But in OP's case, who has already outed her to us, they could at least refer to her as such. The OP hasn't committed a huge sin, it's just better to be in the habit of referring to people by their pronouns than to not?

Despite being a bad person, with the whole, y'know, being a Trump supporter thing, that doesn't invalidate someone's trans-ness. I would severely question why the person supported Trump of course.

Like Caitlyn Jenner is a fucking idiot, but she's still Caitlyn Jenner.

 

[Shoeless]

I still don't understand how people can support a man and a culture that wants them dead.

 

[joecanada]

This isn't that surprising. It's a defense mechanism for some people.

Click to shrink...

I knew exactly what the op would say even before reading it. It's like the gay pastor who hates gays they always are super hateful of what they're afraid of

 

[Lo-Volt]

I think this is a tragic situation for everyone: for you because you're being placed in a very difficult situation by learning this, for this person's wife because she learned something pretty far away from the husband she knew, and for your cousin because I'm thinking it's likelier that the Trump support and hatred is a witting or unwitting shield for what's underneath.

I don't excuse this person for contributing to hate, but I do regret that this person is also imprisoned by their own hate.

The question I have reading this, is their wife looking to vent or for help? And what kind of help? You could give mild advice, like 'maybe just talk gently but honestly to your partner about this' or direct them to a good advice column answer you think could help. And if you're not in the position to discuss it beyond that, that's OK. This seems like an unfamiliar situation, you're not too sure what to suggest, but you hope it works out alright however it does work out.

 

[Deleted member 2085]

Some friend you are.

That woman's life has turned upside down and all you can think about it yourself.

Click to shrink...

It's not his problem to figure out. If OP gets involved any further, he's just going to make it worse for everyone involved and it will not end well.

 

[Deleted member 36543]

Maybe he is catfishing in order to deal out some vigilante justice? Dun Dun Duh!

I personally would try to help as best I could here, but you know the dude and only you know what this can of worms will be like, so... I mean at least try to help her and avoid dealing directly with him?

EDIT: If this is a transvestite thing I wouldn't even bother tbh. Stay out of it, but get clarification I guess.

Click to shrink...

This would be a mind numbing plot twist.

 

[Titik]

I knew exactly what the op would say even before reading it. It's like the gay pastor who hates gays they always are super hateful of what they're afraid of

Click to shrink...

It's a reflection of the internal turmoil they are experiencing. It's really sad because the individual is suffering and they are taking down everyone else with them as well.

 

[JJD]

OP, this is one of those times that you just be there to listen to people like your cousin's wife. There's no need to (and you probably shouldn't) give advice or your feelings on it. Just offer support.

Eventually your cousin will probably need it too. Though that person probably has a long path of healing ahead of them.

This is kind of empathy 101, but we always forget to do it. I know you said you're not emotional, but you don't have to be. Just sit there and reflect back what the person says. "That sucks", "I'm sorry", etc. If the person asks for your opinion and you don't want to give it just say you don't even know and maybe they should talk to a professional.

Don't get involved in trying to solve the problems, but do try to support the people who are going to be going through some difficult shit.

If anything you'll be doing a really kind act for someone else. Also, take a moment to be grateful for how your life is going (your cousin and cousin's wife's situations made me do it)... we don't do that enough.

Edit: I do think the general advice to "stay out of it" is good... don't insert yourself in the situation. But the wife has reached out to you so I'd provide some support as she requests it.

Click to shrink...

This is great advice, congrats man. If I'm ever dealing with some personal shit I'll PM you! ;-)

OP, do what this man says and buy him a beer.

 

[Androidsleeps]

 

[Surakian]

Total flip side here.

If your cousin is a bigot and is trying to meet people by presenting as transgender, are you sure he's not actually fishing for victims for him to hurt due to his bigoted views?

Everyone here is under the assumption he's secretly trans or non conforming, but is it possible he is straight and bigoted, looking to do harm to those who have sexual interest in transgender/cross dressing/etc?

Click to shrink...

That usually isn't what is happening in these situations, but that could be a possibility.

In the end none of us have any idea about the cousin's actual thoughts and feelings.

 

[meowdi gras]

Total flip side here.

If your cousin is a bigot and is trying to meet people by presenting as transgender, are you sure he's not actually fishing for victims for him to hurt due to his bigoted views?

Everyone here is under the assumption he's secretly trans or non conforming, but is it possible he is straight and bigoted, looking to do harm to those who have sexual interest in transgender/cross dressing/etc?

Click to shrink...

I don't presume to know what other people, particularly complete strangers, are thinking. But if I had to guess, I'd say this cousin is in all likelihood not transgender, but rather a straight cis fetishist getting their sexual kinks satisfied by hooking up with other guys. A pretty common kink, afaik. (Again, just a supposition of mine, don't kill the idle speculator.)

 

[timshundo]

man i would love to take a stab at detangling all of that if i were in your situation. i'm a chronic fixer.

 

[JDSN]

Don't get involved, give your friend the chance to find someone that cares about helping her.

 

[Beer Monkey]

Oh, the poor wife that I should care about that

(checks notes)

was OK being married to a bigot that wants brown kids in concentration camps...

 

[DOT_mjo]

Nope, if you don't want to be a part of this, you are completely in the right to ask her to stop involving you!

 

[hobblygobbly]

i don't think it's right to ghost your cousin's wife here tbh - she obviously came to you for a reason and you said you are good friends with her, if you don't want to be involved be honest about it and tell her why.

 

[ravnelis]

Unfortunately this happens a lot, self-loathing and self-hate can lead to stuff like this.

While I understand why you want to stay out of this, your cousing needs therapy with a therapist understanding gender related issues. It may totally change their life once they will understand this is OK, that they are accepted and loved for who they truly are and are free to express themselves however they want.

 

[Arkanim94]

Peace out friend.

 

[PeakPointMatrix]

Some friend you are.

That woman's life has turned upside down and all you can think about it yourself.

Click to shrink...

This. What's the point of being a good friend when you can't even afford to be there for her in a time of need?

This is a tough situation no doubt, but the wife must be in an extremely dark place right now and needs support too.

 

[fanboi]

I'd have a really hard time not outing her if I was in your shoes. I know that's wrong, but my patience for bigoted Trump supporters is at an all time low and continuing to trend downwards.

Click to shrink...

That would, from you be a shitty and low thing to do, this person is probably in a very sad state mentally to have those views and identify as one that she hates.

Out a person for their beliefs, not this.

 

[nelsonroyale]

being there as a sympathetic ear to your cousin's wife is probably the most support you can give her at the moment. if you value her friendship, I don't think prescriptive marraige counselling is the best thing to do, nor your role at this stage. Just listen and support. No easy answer to this situation.

 

[Yossarian]

Some friend you are.

That woman's life has turned upside down and all you can think about it yourself.

Click to shrink...

Come on now, no need to be dick. This is some seriously complicated shit and OP is looking for advice. Your post doesn't help anyone.

being there as a sympathetic ear to your cousin's wife is probably the most support you can give her at the moment. if you value her friendship, I don't think prescriptive marraige counselling is the best thing to do, nor your role at this stage. Just listen and support. No easy answer to this situation.

Click to shrink...

This sounds like the most sensible approach.

 

[Rendering...]

people don't realize just how truly mind-bending even comparatively mild self-loathing can be

Click to shrink...

Yep, it warps everything.

 

[Deleted member 44129]

There's an argument to say that if this person dedicates some energy towards supporting Trump and criticising gay marriage, then the motherfucker has forfeited privacy. Why shit on other people but live the very life you are shitting on behind the comfort of privacy?

 

[BladeoftheImmortal]

I actually feel kind of bad for her. Growing up in an Evangelical household. Especially if you don't have those kinds of values yourself... Can really fuck a person up

 

[Golden]

Be supportive to your cousins wife.

Knowing this secret about your cousin is probably going to be eating her up. I imagine she is scared of speaking to your cousin about it. She should probably speak to more people she trusts about it, and you guys can offer to be there with her when she confronts your cousin.

 

[Deleted member 41520]

Would I be a bad person if I just tell her to leave me alone? The whole situation is uncomfortable to me.

Click to shrink...

Yes. Your cousin has been like this because, clearly, he/she's hurting.

Your cousin needs your help. You need to meet him/her for a coffee. Grab a coffee and go for a walk. Tell them you know. Have a real heart to heart. Say it's okay and they can be either they want to be/feel they are.

In my experience, whenever people come out as trans, their personality goes into HUGE flux. A year or two later, they're unrecognisable. Usually far more confident, friendly, secure, etc.

 

[Shy]

This may sound flippant (Which is not my intention) OP. But maybe find a way to show you cousin Contrapoints's channel. Might help them. Natalie is good at that stuff.

ContraPoints

YouTuber, ex-philosopher. Sex, drugs, and social justice. 🌸

www.youtube.com

 

[Daysean]

You do sound like a good friend
That shit ISNT your problem and doesn't need to be if you don't want it to be

 

[Razmos]

Maybe he is catfishing in order to deal out some vigilante justice? Dun Dun Duh!

Click to shrink...

In the world we live in today this is a very real and scary possibility

 

[Dreams-Visions]

Stay way the fuck out of this.

You're not talking to your cousin? Continue not talking to him. She needs to do what she needs to do. It's her husband.

 

[rras1994]

There's an argument to say that if this person dedicates some energy towards supporting Trump and criticising gay marriage, then the motherfucker has forfeited privacy. Why shit on other people but live the very life you are shitting on behind the comfort of privacy?

Click to shrink...

Because that could quite literally get a person killed, and I'm assuming OP's cousin is not a public figure so there wouldn't even be a "in the public's interest " side to it.

 

[Corrie1960]

Not your monkeys not your circus OP

 

[Deleted member 984]

Keep out of it OP, you can provide emotional support but this isn't your battle. This is between a couple and doesn't need people meddling.

 

[takriel]

You support Trump this vehemently, you don't deserve any support yourself, no matter your reasons.

 

[DonaldKimball]

Do you really want all this drama in your life? His wife is a grown woman and not your responsibility.

 

[Just_a_Mouse]

I feel sorry for the wife having to live with such a toxic Trump supporting person, she should have left a long time ago.

 

[Seirith]

I am amazed at the responses here. OP says a friend just found out her husband is cheating on her and everyone here tells him to bail? Does everyone do that when a friend needs help or to talk to someone?

No wonder there are so many forever alone and I have no friends posts.

 

[Daysean]

I am amazed at the responses here. OP says a friend just found out her husband is cheating on her and everyone here tells him to bail? Does everyone do that when a friend needs help or to talk to someone?

No wonder there are so many forever alone and I have no friends posts.

Click to shrink...

I have friends, am not forever alone, and i mind my business when shit doesnt involve me personally or is fucking troublesome like in the Op's situation

 

[Seirith]

I have friends, am not forever alone, and i mind my business when shit doesnt involve me personally or is fucking troublesome like in the Op's situation

Click to shrink...

So your friend has a problem do you tell them to leave you alone and not talk to you?

 

[Deleted member 3093]

I am amazed at the responses here. OP says a friend just found out her husband is cheating on her and everyone here tells him to bail? Does everyone do that when a friend needs help or to talk to someone?

No wonder there are so many forever alone and I have no friends posts.

Click to shrink...

To be fair, the OP was themselves expressing concern as to whether they should dump their friend.

 

[Daysean]

So your friend has a problem do you tell them to leave you alone and not talk to you?

Click to shrink...

If its some stupid shit like this yes
I have the right to say no

 

[Westbahnhof]

If its some stupid shit like this yes
I have the right to say no

Click to shrink...

How is this "some stupid shit"?

 

[hey it's that dog]

If the wife is really your friend, don't ghost her. Do set boundaries for yourself about how much you'll be involved. If she tries to drag you in further than simply texting about it and won't respect those boundaries, then you can cut her off however you see fit.

Is she the kind of person who, if she confronts her husband, could express her anger about the deception while also showing understanding and empathy for the husband's identity struggle?

 

[derder]

Cousin? I'd say stay out of it.

If it were your brother's wife, you should absolutely get involved.