I just found out my bigot, Trump loving cousin is leading a double life.

[BackLogJoe]

My mind is totally blown right now.

I got a text from my cousin's wife who Im pretty good friends with literally like an hour ago. We BBQ a few times together each summer as they are local and we used to actually work together as well. She did the unthinkable and looked at his phone apparently. She thought he was maybe messing around with another woman...

I guess he left his browser open to a hookup site and hes wearing a dress and identifies as trans and is wanting to hook up while shes out of town.

I wish she hadnt even confided this to me. I dont know what to think. I defriended him on Facebook because hes a very vocal Trump supporter and we have argued about gay marriage. Hes very against what he considers anything other than traditional marriage to the point I just couldnt talk to him anymore.

As Im sitting here, my phone has an unread message on it from her and I dont even want to read it. On one hand, Im very angry about this dual nature of his and I hope she dumps his ass, on the other, if he didnt have an extreme view that hes presenting to the world, Id tell her maybe she just needs to have a long conversation with him about this and figure it out.

I kinda just want to ghost both of them to be completely honest.

Would I be a bad person if I just tell her to leave me alone? The whole situation is uncomfortable to me.

 

[jaekeem]

yeah, it's not your responsibility

that's sad for him though. turning to hating others because you cannot accept yourself.

 

[Prolepro]

woah

 

[Gundam]

If your cousin is transgender, then you hope she dumps her ass.

Your cousin doesn't sound like a good person. I don't think there's anything wrong with you wanting to be left out of it.

 

[Tebunker]

totally fair to not have to deal with this situation, but on the other hand, if you can handle it, and want to, you could be a very big positive change in their lives. Also, not your responsibility and I wouldn't fault you for bailing.

 

[CallMeShaft]

Self loathing is one hell of a thing.

 

[Pata Hikari]

First off, it's more likely than not that your cousin is trans. If you're going around working to pass as a different gender for dates then that's a good sign that it's not just like, a joke or something.

Granted, that doesn't excuse her from having garbage views on trump or for being scummy for cheating on her wife.

It sounds like she might be pretty self loathing though, and compensating for a lot of insecurity in her life if she's living this double life.

 

[BackLogJoe]

If your cousin is transgender, then you hope she dumps her ass.

Click to shrink...

This person has never told anyone, even their wife, that they are. Im not sure how to treat this?

 

[DigitalOp]

Thats wack that they would present to be a bigot and wholetime part of the targeted group

 

[Mr. X]

I want to say be there for your cousin's wife/family but real me is like that's way too messy a situation

 

[Gundam]

This person has never told anyone, even their wife, that they are. Im not sure how to treat this?

Click to shrink...

Well, don't out them in front of anyone I suppose. Anyone in real life at this point, anyway.

 

[Slappy White]

I'd tell her to look you up long after she dumps your cousin if you value her friendship. Otherwise bail.

 

[Deleted member 4532]

Self loathing is one hell of a thing.

Click to shrink...

Indeed woah

 

[Gamer @ Heart]

This person has never told anyone, even their wife, that they are. Im not sure how to treat this?

Click to shrink...

Transvestite is not transgender. It could be either. I know straight men who live out a fantasy at times with their girlfriends help no less.

And until he opens up to you about it, you don't treat it or acknowledge it at all honestly. It's still a private affair at this stage. Support his wife/your friend how best you can but don't insert yourself

 

[PersonAndStuff]

On the one hand, his dual nature maybe means his shittier views are just his cover story. But on the other hand, fuck em until he owns up to his shit.

 

[BackLogJoe]

Transvestite is not transgender. I know straight men who live out a fantasy at times.

And u t he opens up to you about it, you don't treat it or acknowledge it at all. It's still a private affair. Support his wife/your friend how you can but don't insert yourself

Click to shrink...

I guess thats a possibility I didnt consider. She said trans so I guess she could have meant, either?

 

[Chris McQueen]

All I can think of is... YIKES!

 

[Raccoon]

Self loathing is one hell of a thing.

Click to shrink...

people don't realize just how truly mind-bending even comparatively mild self-loathing can be

 

[Cation]

Projection is a real thing folks. You have and will see it time and time again from the most vocal people. Its a given. Look at Trump himself, all this projection is indeed 100% true when he speaks. Its also for your regular neighbor.

Im sorry OP, that's just a shit situation. You aren't obligated to do anything if you do not want to. No one should call you an ass if you chose not to.

 

[Wamb0wneD]

That's uh...that's quite something. Yeah I don't think it's any of your business.

 

[Deleted member 56909]

I honestly would just talk to her and actually figure out whats going on. I get staying out of it due to shitty views. But like be supportive of them regardless and maybe she'll end up realizing how stupid and hurtful her views are and learn to love herself. That said its up to you.

 

[Deleted member 13188]

Maybe he is catfishing in order to deal out some vigilante justice? Dun Dun Duh!

I personally would try to help as best I could here, but you know the dude and only you know what this can of worms will be like, so... I mean at least try to help her and avoid dealing directly with him?

EDIT: If this is a transvestite thing I wouldn't even bother tbh. Stay out of it, but get clarification I guess.

 

[Spaceroast]

Does your cousin have family/friends/others around that would make them feel pressured to present themselves publicly in this way? I know there are people out there who are terrified of being ostracized because they've known mostly bigots all their lives or the shitty Trump culture around them is too strong.

Eityer way, damn this is a shit situation for everyone involved. No good feels here. :(

 

[Sapiens]

That's incredibly sad.

 

[Stephen Home]

One hell of a plot twist.

 

[BackLogJoe]

Does your cousin have family/friends/others around that would make them feel pressured to present themselves publicly in this way? I know there are people out there who are terrified of being ostracized because they've known mostly bigots all their lives or the shitty Trump culture around them is too strong.

Eityer way, damn this is a shit situation for everyone involved. No good feels here. :(

Click to shrink...

I live in southern Illinois. Its pretty conservative. But you dont have to be a vocal asshole to fit in.

 

[AegonSnake]

Some friend you are.

That woman's life has turned upside down and all you can think about it yourself.

 

[Surakian]

This isn't a really awkward position to be in. I don't think you should ghost your cousin's wife for too long because she is still your friend, but you need to remove yourself from the situation. Tell her she needs to talk to your cousin and discuss things but that you can't be the mediator.

As for your cousin, self-loathing makes people do insane things. I hope she finds the confidence to shed her hate and comes out. This is definitely not just a silly thing they are doing but they are likely genuinely trans and often people who feel repressed turn to hateful attitudes as a form of suppression.

 

[TaySan]

What a shitty situation. I don't blame you for not wanting to be involved. It's so sad she's self loathing

 

[Ra]

Ghosting a friend when they need you isn't a good look to me. Bad situations where they have no one else to turn to are when they need you the most. Don't let your cousin's politics cloud that.

You don't have to agree with me at all though.

You ARE NOT the marriage counselor though. You can advise her while having no direct dealing with her husband.

 

[BackLogJoe]

Some friend you are.

That woman's life has turned upside down and all you can think about it yourself.

Click to shrink...

I'm sorry. I do not mean to sound indifferent. I do not handle emotional situations well.

 

[SweetVermouth]

If you are a close friend you could suggest your cousin's wife to confront her partner about what she found out. I wouldn't do anything more.

 

[Ducarmel]

Dont get involved its not your problem, listen if they really need to vent but honestly don't put your neck out there giving advice.

As for you cousins dual life, (on the low if he is still in the closet) I personally would rub the hypocrisy in his face every time I see him until he drops his bigotry and support for trump/republicans/traditional values conservatives..

 

[Trup1aya]

Thats wack that they would present to be a bigot and wholetime part of the targeted group

Click to shrink...

This is strangely common.

My guess is they project to hate what they secretly are are to avoid suspicion.

 

[Kirblar]

This is strangely common.

My guess is they project to hate what they are to avoid suspicion.

Click to shrink...

That's exactly what it is. (source: did it once and fucking hated myself for it, didn't do it again.)

 

[Mona]

this has nothing to do with you

 

[pleaseinsertdisctwo]

??? What is there to even discuss? She needs to leave the marriage, that's all there is to it.

 

[zeitgeist]

You and the wife should chat at least a little bit about this and if she plans to confront him (she probably should), she should do it very delicately.

Your cousin is projecting out of gigantic shame and people can do very drastic things when secrets like this are unearthed. Having secrets unravel like this can lead to bad panic attacks and impulsive behaviour.

I know it is a lot to come to terms with but I think being supportive might be the best call in the long run.

 

[Trup1aya]

That's exactly what it is. (source: did it once and fucking hated myself for it, didn't do it again.)

Click to shrink...

I'm glad you found your way out of it. It's seems like it would really take a toll.

 

[julia crawford]

Why would you ghost the wife?? Things about to get juicy you gotta have someone on the inside.

 

[How About No]

Wow

Be there to support the wife if you're close

The spouse, if I knew they were an asshat like that but I'd still want nothing to do with them, but damn I hope they're able to be themselves and learn from this

 

[Powdered Egg]

Nope. Don't willingly jump into relationship drama.

 

[Illusion]

Feels straight out of a movie plot.

Support the wife if your close. But let the piece of shit go from your life.

 

[Kirblar]

I'm glad you found your way out of it. It's seems like it would really take a toll.

Click to shrink...

Like, mine was literally one incident (on a scale of virulence, it was a 0.5/10)- it wasn't a normal thing for me at all, hence the immediate regret. But it totally helped me understand how easy it was to give into that impulse.

 

[Threadkular]

OP, this is one of those times that you just be there to listen to people like your cousin's wife. There's no need to (and you probably shouldn't) give advice or your feelings on it. Just offer support.

Eventually your cousin will probably need it too. Though that person probably has a long path of healing ahead of them.

This is kind of empathy 101, but we always forget to do it. I know you said you're not emotional, but you don't have to be. Just sit there and reflect back what the person says. "That sucks", "I'm sorry", etc. If the person asks for your opinion and you don't want to give it just say you don't even know and maybe they should talk to a professional.

Don't get involved in trying to solve the problems, but do try to support the people who are going to be going through some difficult shit.

If anything you'll be doing a really kind act for someone else. Also, take a moment to be grateful for how your life is going (your cousin and cousin's wife's situations made me do it)... we don't do that enough.

Edit: I do think the general advice to "stay out of it" is good... don't insert yourself in the situation. But the wife has reached out to you so I'd provide some support as she requests it.

 

[BackLogJoe]

Thank you for the responses.

 

[Sai]

Don't out her to anyone, but also don't get involved because lol that is so not your problem. Enjoy your schadenfreude, keep on keeping on.

 

[Trup1aya]

Like, mine was literally one incident (on a scale of virulence, it was a 0.5/10)- it wasn't a normal thing for me at all, hence the immediate regret. But it totally helped me understand how easy it was to give into that impulse.

Click to shrink...

Ah I see. Glad you quickly reversed course. I can only imagine what it feels to live like that in perpetuity.

 

[Titik]

This isn't that surprising. It's a defense mechanism for some people.

 

[LegendofJoe]

I'd have a really hard time not outing her if I was in your shoes. I know that's wrong, but my patience for bigoted Trump supporters is at an all time low and continuing to trend downwards.