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I think I want to become a father.
- Thread starter SilentEagle
- Start date
Yes, very true. I guess what I meant with that post is "they can be stressful and get on my nerves". I have one evening a week completely to myself and it's a life saver.
You are aware that both can be true, right?
Your post reads as needlessly aggressive.
there is nothing wrong with saying 'I'm ready for a new relationship and I'd like to make sure any long term partner is aligned with my desire to eventually have children'. Doesn't stop you dating with a short term partner but before longer term committment you want to make sure you're in agreement on key life goals. Perfectly natural.
What you actually said was "Since I am single for 9 months, I really want to marry with someone now and become a father after marriage ASAP" which comes across backwards to me. Feels goal oriented and the goal is children, not necessarily a relationship first.
What you actually said was "Since I am single for 9 months, I really want to marry with someone now and become a father after marriage ASAP" which comes across backwards to me. Feels goal oriented and the goal is children, not necessarily a relationship first.
Really feels like this.
OP, rub one out and see if you still want to be a father ASAP
Yeah, my kid is my best friend, and he also knows I'm his dad and how to respect boundaries, rules, and social norms. Not a zero sum game
Yeah. My daughter is my best friend and a high honor student. Twice achieved Dean's List.
If a parent thinks that they are their child's best friend, they're either misinformed or they're raising emotionally crippled children. Children need to establish close interpersonal relationships with their peers. If a child is missing the social educational experience of having an actual best friend, the parent dropped the ball.
Indeed, It is not psychologically healthy for a young child and parent to have a "best friend" relationship, unless that is just exaggerating a close/trusting bond
This is usually what we mean. As a dad I am possibly the most supportive person in her life and her mother is someone she can go to whenever there are things she needs to talk about that she can't or doesn't wish to with anyone else. If something goes wrong we are always the ones who will be there to comfort them and provide advice if they need it.
I think this place just likes to exaggerate things to find the worst possible take. Like the person who says they are a teacher and acted as if being a friend means you aren't a proper parent.
Maybe I'm wrong, but I also can't help but think many of these takes come from people without children so they don't fully understand the dynamic.
That's valuable information to have. You want to be a dad. That's good news. No one should be a father if they're not sure they want to be one.
It's not for everyone. For instance, I NEVER want to be a father.
But now that you know you do want to be one, time to work towards it.
It's not for everyone. For instance, I NEVER want to be a father.
But now that you know you do want to be one, time to work towards it.
I was wondering if I was the only one cracking up at that particular combination
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Counter example: I don't know anyone who has ever said that about their parents. If someone did say that I'd assume they had too few friends.
Besides my husband, my mother is my best friend. We are a lot alike, have some of the same interests and have a business together. Many of my friends consider their parent(s) their best friend as well. Just because you don't know anyone who has ever said it to you does not mean it isn't true.
A person is a person, it does not matter if they are your parent, cousin or sibling, they can still be a best friend.
My friends and I say the same thing about our parents.
Have better parents I guess? 🤷
My grandma (who raised me) is the only person I trust to talk about literally anything, like including when I did drugs in college. People project their strained relationships with their parents too much
Let me restate it then, don't ONLY be your kid's best friend. Way too many parents don't actually PARENT the kid, support them the right way, hold them accountable for their actions and discipline when needed to help the kid out for their future. Having a kid with a goal of 'let me make a best friend' is a strange and, to me, backwards way of going about it.
What is your perspective on this as a teacher? Parents wanting their child to be forgiven for everything they do? Blindly taking their side no matter what? Doing their homework?
Because I wouldn't do any of that for an adult best friend or my "best friend" child. Reality and fairness don't need to be put on hold just because you have a "best friends" relationship with your kid.
I'm curious what you see in practice that leads to this type of definitive conclusion.
I don't care one way or another if my children actually view me as a "best friend" and ultimately they are going to have a somewhat limited view of me as a person, as I'm obviously not going to share personal details that aren't appropriate to share between a parent and child, but I do aspire to be seen as "safe" person they can confide in and someone they enjoy hanging out with in a friendly way from time to time.
EDIT: I see you just replied to some other posts right above me, the clarification answers my questions.
Shit I only have an eight year old step kid.. and I'm like you don't know what you are asking for lol. When she was four she would not get out of bed for school, wifey looked at me and said just grab her, I did and got knees to the chin, I'm spotting blood in the sink and she was like welcome to having kids😅 don't get me wrong I would die on the spot for that little girl. But it's not easy… it's the best think in the world, but it will at times push you so far to you're limits you don't even know. Take for example an infant, it's crying for hours, it's the most important thing in the world to you, you don't know if it's dying or just in a bad mood. It won't stop crying, you are scared and going crazy at the same time. Do you ignore it? Do you rush to the hospital? Oh and this likes to happen a lot when you are sleep deprived and just fell asleep on top of all of those other emotions. So many parents have snapped and split just from having a new born, parents have killed then selves, parents have killed their kids. Just being real, It's a level of stress no one can understand that does not have kids. Is it worth it in the long run? Fuck yes. But be prepared for reality to hit you hard.
Wonder if there are cultural or semantic differences at play here because I have wonderful parents that all of my social group think are amazing and I love very much... but I wouldn't call either my "best friend" as this is an honorific I and many people associate with one's peers. A parent is not be a child's peer--there is a compete power imbalance and lack of reciprocity (there are just things a parent shouldn't confide to a child, and forms of emotional support a child shouldn't be expected to provide their parent), which is why many people get concerned or weirded out when people talk about being their kid's best friend.
Yep. My wife and I didn't think we could have kids and unexpectedly had one Dec. 2022. It's really hard to describe how difficult it is. I love my daughter and would do anything for her but it's tough. I work get home play with her a bit before bed and then do all the stuff that needs done with my wife like dishes laundry etc all of which drastically multiples with a kid. And then it's done and I think I have an hour or two to play some games and unwind. I sit down in the chair have a huge sigh and smile as the game turns on. Then my daughter cries and I plead inside for her to go back to sleep just for a short bit so
I can relax and it doesn't happen so I get up and rock her instead of enjoy a small bit of alone time.
Throw in the extra financial burdens and the anxiety of her health and safety and are we doing everything right. Not trying to keep anyone from having kids and don't get me wrong I love being a Dad but no one needs to walk into it without serious thought and it certainly isn't the path to happiness. It's hard hard exhausting stuff.
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I think it's just kind of a thing that people say, knowing there's a difference between being very close with your kids and being genuinely "their best friend" or supplanting friendships they make with peers.
My 5.5 year old and I are super, super close, she might be one of my best buddies, but I'm a 40 year old man and I'm not sitting at the bar forcing her to trail my parlays and then asking for a ride home when I've had too many beers.
Meanwhile, I have best friends who aren't my kids, and I do actually wash them and pick their clothes out in the morning and argue with them when all they want to eat is popsicles.
Im in my early 40s and still dont feel the "need" to have kids. But Im also the only male. Guess it ends with me and I dont care one bit lol.
The greatest privilege I've ever had, we've got 3 and I sometimes wonder if I made the right decision having a vasectomy after the youngest but everything feels more tiring 3rd time around!
What I would say is that as truly amazing as having children is it is genuinely exhausting and filled with stress and worry.
It's definitely worth it from my own perspective but there's a certain romance to the freedom some of my friends have, me and my wife recently took a break to Iceland just the two of us and it felt ridiculously easy.
I say be happy with where you are, enjoy the journey, different chapters to write either way
What I would say is that as truly amazing as having children is it is genuinely exhausting and filled with stress and worry.
It's definitely worth it from my own perspective but there's a certain romance to the freedom some of my friends have, me and my wife recently took a break to Iceland just the two of us and it felt ridiculously easy.
I say be happy with where you are, enjoy the journey, different chapters to write either way
This is true, but not always possible. That's why I think it's important to impress upon people just how difficult parenthood is when it comes to trying to take care of yourself and someone else. I think it's easy to romanticize a lot of it and don't get me wrong I love getting a FaceTime and it's her smiling but a lot of parenthood is doing stuff you don't feel like doing over and over again.
Our kid had a lot of medical needs that made getting that space essentially impossible although as she has healed it's gotten a little better. And we have a super supportive family who helped as much as possible. I couldn't imagine without them.
This is somewhat overstated. The first couple months they're literally mostly asleep. We put some serious hours into Zelda. After that, sure you aren't gonna be gaming all day but kids go to bed at like 7 and sleep for 12 hours. I'm too tired to stay up past 10 but that's a solid three hours I get if I'm not doing something that evening.
I think it's a mistake to make blanket statements. Some kids do sleep in a similar manner to what you mentioned, but many don't. It certainly doesn't make sense to think you're going into parenthood and guaranteed these long blocks of not having to take care of your kid.
Sleep for 12 hours lol. Or up every 45 minutes all night like mine was. Then you're zombified the next day when they manage to nap off and on. It's a crap shoot which kind you'll get
Fair points both! We've had sleep regressions and those are tough but on the whole we've been very lucky how he sleeps. Statistically though, most children do sleep through the night even by six months. It's not "some" that sleep well, it is most. But likewise it's true that some people are unlucky and during those times you probably won't have the energy to play videogames.
I'm of this mind somewhat.
Kid's are wants. So in my head, what else is in life that could fulfill this want.
Horny, compassion, motivation?
My kids are the same. All three of them are great sleepers, so once they were sleep trained they never had any issues sleeping through the night. Even now at 11, 8, and 7 they still sleep well. Since I'm a night owl anyway my hobbies were never really impacted.
And now that they're older they play games and read books with me during the day so I've been very lucky.
Yeah this is by no means universally true. Kids can wake up in the middle of the night frequently especially as infants and toddlers, and your gaming time (or sleep) will be interrupted.
I mean I'm not a baby sleep researcher or anything but a quick google search would bring up taking an issue with "most" babies are sleeping through the night. And I say this as someone who probably has an average or slightly better sleeping 16 month old. My wife is fairly active in a parent group who has the same birth issue our daughter has and it has no shortage of parents who aren't sleeping.
At the minimum someone should probably go in expecting gaming, tv, internet time to be diminished quite a bit and hope to be pleasantly surprised.
Many babies don’t sleep through the night | Science News
A new survey suggests that lots and lots of babies aren’t sleeping through the night. The results may prompt new parents to lower their expectations.
www.sciencenews.org
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