I told my friend why he's such a fuck up in life and he started crying

[AyaisMUsikWhore]

Word for word op, this is my best friend. He's gay and has an toxic ex-boyfriend that he keeps going back to and I've said the exact same shit to him. He's cried a d broke down about it, but ask me if he has changed? Nope.

I love him to death but after you've said your peace, there is notjing more you can do. So you got to let them live with that.

 

[The Great Khali]

Honestly it's surprising how many late 20s early 30s people are not successful.

I went for a catch-up with friends last weekend. And around 10 out of 20 guys are nitnsuccesnot and are in their late 20s and early 30s. The main reason for this is due to the housing market in the UK. Alot of these guys are living with their parents, with barely any saving to afford to move out or people renting or having a council house but due to rent prices being to high they have barely any money to put aside.

We are only going to see more and more of this.

 

[Vire]

Something similar to me right now. My best friend just complained for maybe a month straight to me how depressed she feels about her shitty boyfriend. Tried to support her in the best way I could, give her advice and so on.

She eventually left him and moved out. I was really proud of her because she was finally standing on her own two feet, with an open new path in front of her.

What does she do? Two weeks later she moves back in the with the guy.

I don't want to hear a single fucking word of complaining from her. Ever. And I know it's coming.

 

[mashoutposse]

He cried? Good. Maybe you finally broke through and he heard you.

 

[Siggy-P]

So, rather than confront your friends on their bullshit in an attempt to help them see that they're the source of the majority of their problems, a lot of you would avoid that difficult conversation, resulting in said continuing to be a fuck-up who blames all their problems on outside factors.

That's not being a good friend.

Click to shrink...

I have many times aggresively confronted people fucking up their own lives. I have never seen it work, not once.

They get into the problems because they're dumb and that dumbness causes them to double down when presented with any sort of aggresion, regardless of point or intent.

 

[BladeoftheImmortal]

Honestly it's surprising how many late 20s early 30s people are not successful.

I went for a catch-up with friends last weekend. And around 10 out of 20 guys are nitnsuccesnot and are in their late 20s and early 30s. The main reason for this is due to the housing market in the UK. Alot of these guys are living with their parents, with barely any saving to afford to move out or people renting or having a council house but due to rent prices being to high they have barely any money to put aside.

We are only going to see more and more of this.

Click to shrink...

My whole point. Our generation got fucked by things beyond our control. Can't act like it's just because "he didn't try hard enough".

Spoiler

so it isn't actually surprising at all.

 

[Dead Guy]

Well if OP's story is mostly true he probably didn't give any solutions because he's been given solutions for the past 15 years by literally every person and friend that cared enough about him to want to fix his issue and he ignores it for pity parties.

Click to shrink...

True. I can completely sympathize with OP cause I have a friend who sounds exactly like this and know how shitty it is to try and help someone only to have it thrown back in your face. The OP could have been a little less harsh about everything but I'm not gonna call him an asshole for finally getting fed up after 15 years.

 

[Gotdatmoney]

So, rather than confront your friends on their bullshit in an attempt to help them see that they're the source of the majority of their problems, a lot of you would avoid that difficult conversation, resulting in said continuing to be a fuck-up who blames all their problems on outside factors.

That's not being a good friend.

Click to shrink...

Confrontation is not the only way to make a point. Sometimes it makes things worse. Some people are too far gone to reach without a trained professional. Some people simply wont listen.

It's very naive to think bull in a china shop solves every problem.

 

[Dragoon]

So, rather than confront your friends on their bullshit in an attempt to help them see that they're the source of the majority of their problems, a lot of you would avoid that difficult conversation, resulting in said continuing to be a fuck-up who blames all their problems on outside factors.

That's not being a good friend.

Click to shrink...

Yeah. People who don't want honest advice are simply not in my friend zone at all. I expect the same as well in return obviously. I think OP should have had a few conversations far earlier than waiting 10 years to blow up.

Honestly it's surprising how many late 20s early 30s people are not successful.

I went for a catch-up with friends last weekend. And around 10 out of 20 guys are nitnsuccesnot and are in their late 20s and early 30s. The main reason for this is due to the housing market in the UK. Alot of these guys are living with their parents, with barely any saving to afford to move out or people renting or having a council house but due to rent prices being to high they have barely any money to put aside.

We are only going to see more and more of this.

Click to shrink...

Unsuccessful in what manner?

 

[Rendering...]

Sometimes you have to do the best thing for your friend who is stuck in life by laying into him for a full 40 minutes about being a pathetic failure.

Or you could get him some good books with helpful insights and life strategies at the library, or help him get in touch with a licensed mental health professional with good reviews from former patients.

But yelling for 40 minutes at someone who is trapped in a mental rut is a valued tool of therapists everywhere, so in a way you gave your ex-friend exactly what he needed for free.

 

[///PATRIOT]

He's having a quarter-life crisis at age 29? Sounds like this guy's a real procastinator too!

Click to shrink...

I might be his friend.

 

[Rivenblade]

Tell him to clean his room

Click to shrink...

Not sure if anyone else got your post, but I saw it, and I applaud you. Hahahahaha.

 

[Deleted member 10747]

Yeah this bothers me too. This isn't something that you text "you ok man" after. Call him or try to meet up with him again if he really means that much to you. It doesn't like he's really trying to build him back up either. Makes it sound like his friend is just a burden more than a friend which, judging by the rest of his posts, isn't surprising.

Click to shrink...

The thing that bothers me the most is how the OP is reacting. I can understand that the OP hit a crossing line for himself and he is not obligated to help his friend but the way he did it and the way he reacts in this thread feels more like he lacks apathy.

How can you call someone a friend when the OP went 40 min, let me repeat 40 min of a angry rant about his friends failures. That friend confined in him, trusted him, and everything he already thinks of himself gets thrown in his face. The Op also doesn't show any remorse in how he did it.

Again i understand reaching a boiling point but do you really need to kick down someone who is already down? He knew that his friend already had a moment in his life that he had suicidal thoughts/actions(?). Than he gets uncomfortable when his friends start crying, even being surprised about it and instead of showing any kind of response he let him leave with his head down. Every little thing the OP did was not about helping him it was about getting everything off his chest. Treating him like he is some sort of cancer that needs to be cut off. I personally feel like everything the OP did was based on pent up anger

And just because the OP has a sister who suffers from depression he thinks that he can see it, not realizing that every depression can be different than the other and people hide it in several different ways.

To end my feelings about it i'm gonna give you some advice OP.

Instead of ranting and throwing stuff in your friends face try to actually confine your feelings into him. You could have told him that you can't do this anymore and that you want to help him but that your friend is only complaining and not doing anything. I don't want to stop being your friend, i want to help you and i want you to succeed in what you want to do but you need to start doing things. Lets try a different route because we both can't keep going this way. Start small, like what is your smallest thing you want to change, let me help you but you need to start doing things. We will go from there but keep in mind you need to start doing things. If your not happy with your girlfriend than perhaps either talk to her or consider breaking up with her (telling people straight up what to do is a shitty thing, they need to realize it for themselves).
If you are not happy with your job and you don't think your qualified to do another job that you want to do. Than let's take a class together so you can get into it. This is the only thing i can do for you everything is in your own hands and i can help but i can't do them for you. You are the one who needs to do them.

Nowhere are you kicking someone who is already down and hates his life.

 

[zerocalories]

It's okay to rid yourself of shitty people in your life, no matter what you've been through

No one is entitled to someone else's friendship

 

[Deleted member 10747]

It's okay to rid yourself of shitty people in your life, no matter what you've been through

No one is entitled to someone else's friendship

Click to shrink...

Agreed, but that doesn't give you the right to go off on someone.

 

[chezzymann]

At least they have had relationships

 

[Urban Scholar]

Honestly it's surprising how many late 20s early 30s people are not successful.

I went for a catch-up with friends last weekend. And around 10 out of 20 guys are nitnsuccesnot and are in their late 20s and early 30s. The main reason for this is due to the housing market in the UK. Alot of these guys are living with their parents, with barely any saving to afford to move out or people renting or having a council house but due to rent prices being to high they have barely any money to put aside.

We are only going to see more and more of this.

Click to shrink...

Could you elaborate? Unsuccessful how??

 

[Mr. X]

He's lucky to have a friend like you.

 

[The Great Khali]

Could you elaborate? Unsuccessful how??

Click to shrink...

Low paying job, no house, no security, no future prospects, living with parents (I'm not against this but living with parents when lack of space such as my mate telling me he is trying for kids but no space for his baby), not much money in the bank account, still single and unable to find a partner. The list goes on. Basically alot of them just don't seem happy that's the vibe I get. Where as for example someone else I know he is in his mid 30s and he seems happy, married with a kid, goes on multiple holidays a year, decent career, has his own house he owns, decent savings and etc.

With social media this is going to have even more of a impact as well. People posting holiday photos and people without money being jealous. Or people showing family photos and single people wanting a a partner and etc.

 

[MagicDoogies]

True. I can completely sympathize with OP cause I have a friend who sounds exactly like this and know how shitty it is to try and help someone only to have it thrown back in your face. The OP could have been a little less harsh about everything but I'm not gonna call him an asshole for finally getting fed up after 15 years.

Click to shrink...

The fact that this was 15 years seems to be completely glossed over by most of the people mad at OP while they hyper fixate on the pussy and 40 minutes comment.
Everyone OP is being called a shit bag for not doing things that he-and numerous friends of his HAVE been doing to help him get better for the past 15 YEARS.
People have a breaking point and OP reached that. I'm starting to wonder if many people are just aping half comments in this thread or if they read the original post and came to the conclusion that despite putting up with his bs for over a decade and going out of his way to help him numerous times, OP saying fuck off for 40 minutes negates all of that and is now the worlds shittiest friend.

 

[Deleted member 10747]

The fact that this was 15 years seems to be completely glossed over by most of the people mad at OP

Click to shrink...

Did people really gloss over it? No matter how long it is but this wasn't the way?

while they hyper fixate on the pussy and 40 minutes comment.

Click to shrink...

Sure we should all just step over this toxic masculinity? It's not like we all aren't aware in what time we live and this hasn't been a problem for a long while? IMO this was a power play situation based on anger. But sure, he's a man who cried, has problems, and is a pussy, so he deserved it.

People have a breaking point and OP reached that

Click to shrink...

Of course and that's fine but there are ways to do it without being a dick and trying to break the dude even further down.

I'm starting to wonder if many people are just aping half comments in this thread or if they read the original post and came to the conclusion that despite putting up with his bs for over a decade and going out of his way to help him numerous times

Click to shrink...

Yep, we all just trying to copy each other because we as individuals have no opinion. And again there are ways to do these kind of things without trying to destroy the other person.

 

[turbobutts]

what an abysmal, embarrassing thread. lot of people showing their ass in here

 

[Deleted member 47843]

Yeah. People who don't want honest advice are simply not in my friend zone at all. I expect the same as well in return obviously. I think OP should have had a few conversations far earlier than waiting 10 years to blow up.

Click to shrink...

Very much this for me. The older I've gotten, the less patience I have for people and their drama. Life has drama, I get it. But I have no use for people who are just constant drama because of their own bad decisions and have just cut those people out of my life over the years. I don't have a ton of time for friends in general, and the time I do have I want to spend with true friends and having fun the vast majority of it. Shit happens and I'm there for any of them that need help--who are willing to help themselves anyway. Those who aren't I just don't have the time or patience for anymore.

 

[NTGYK]

We talked, he's fine. Dunno if he's gonna do anything with what I said to him, he hasn't made any complaints to me.

 

[Bobson Dugnutt]

I wish I had friends that could have recognised how much of a funk I was in from the ages of 18-26 and tried to get me to snap out if it.

As long as OP is still there for him and doesn't abandon him if he's in a dark place I don't see anything wrong with his actions here.

 

[The Climaxan]

It was the right call. I have a friend like this who always avoids accepting responsibility for his actions and is a drain on his family. This thread has inspired me to give him a good check next time I see him.

 

[SurrenderDorothy]

Ayy, this is why I don't say shit.
Better to not burden others and live with my demons lmao.
..
fml

 

[Foffy]

Honestly it's surprising how many late 20s early 30s people are not successful.

I went for a catch-up with friends last weekend. And around 10 out of 20 guys are nitnsuccesnot and are in their late 20s and early 30s. The main reason for this is due to the housing market in the UK. Alot of these guys are living with their parents, with barely any saving to afford to move out or people renting or having a council house but due to rent prices being to high they have barely any money to put aside.

We are only going to see more and more of this.

Click to shrink...

Most people are being systematically disconnected from the pipelines we've ascribed to success. Millennials are precisely what Zygmunt Bauman referred to as Generation Zero. They will obtain next to nothing with the current societal arrangement. People who think its all free willing yourself to success have no optics to the situation whatsoever.

The good news is it can't even last even if we were idiots and tried to prop it up, which is what you see with the Boomers, and how many institutions are blaming Millennials for what's disintegrating. The bad news, as one is seeing all over the world, you see a precariat crisis and the negation of social rights, as the failure to assure economic rights means everything we made is now in quicksand. We're not even proposing a new social order.

Success, in this current arrangement, is just rearranging seats on the Titanic. You got a good view. Whoopie.

 

[Threadkular]

"Let me berate you my friend for almost an hour about all the abusive relationships you are in. Once you live your life exactly the way we want you to live your life, all will be better."

OP, you should read a little bit about "fixing" and trying to control people. His problems are not yours. If you're his friend, you're there to be supportive when he needs your help, not tell him how to live his life or what he's doing "wrong" in your mind. The concept of being a "fuck up in life" is all relative.

If you really want to give advice (and FYI, people hate to receive advice), why not just kindly be like "hey man..." over dinner or something. Don't look for sympathy for being an asshole, whether it was "deserved" or not.

 

[StriderHiryu]

The quarter-life crisis is real.

Anyway, he broke down and started crying and I felt really awkward because I didn't expect that. He said he was gonna try to do better and then he left because his horribly abusive and shitty girlfriend called him to monopolize his time some more.

Click to shrink...

I've done something like this myself with a similar response. However, a few years (and yes it took YEARS) later they actually told me they really appreciated the honesty I gave them because it opened their eyes to their own situation. One of those cases where we stopped being friends for a long time, but are now good friends again.

Everyone is different and not everyone responds to criticism but if this has been a problem for your friend for such a long time then it might be a case of "having to be cruel to be kind." I guess it's a bit like managing elite athletes for a sports team... some need an arm round their shoulder to be confident, whereas others will just coast unless they are given a verbal volley to improve. Actually a good example of this is in the Premier League where a player called Luke Shaw has just earned a mega new contract despite being lambasted by his coach seemingly every week for the last 12 months. This player to his credit turned it round and is one of the best players this season for Manchester United and his coach that formely crticised him has even recognised how good he's been. But this guy was literally hung out to dry in a very public setting every week before this happened.

Of course the argument against is that such tactics if used on the wrong type of person could make them even more depressed and could lead to something far worse :(. So there's definitely a fine line to be walked here.

In my personal situation I felt compelled to take action because I cared for my friend and felt that it took such shock treatment to make him self-aware.

 

[see5harp]

That seems like a silly comparison because Luke Shaw still makes millions of dollars to play a sport professionally in one of the best leagues in the world. If you uneducated, unemployed, and live at home with your parents shit seems a lot more dire to me.

 

[Deleted member 4034]

Yeah. People who don't want honest advice are simply not in my friend zone at all. I expect the same as well in return obviously. I think OP should have had a few conversations far earlier than waiting 10 years to blow up.

Unsuccessful in what manner?

Click to shrink...

OP literally did the thing you're suggesting. The blow up was a result of those previous attempts falling on deaf ears.

 

[Mammoth Jones]

It was the right call. I have a friend like this who always avoids accepting responsibility for his actions and is a drain on his family. This thread has inspired me to give him a good check next time I see him.

Click to shrink...

Sometimes it's the only way. Mofos sit online feeling sorry for themselves rather than putting in the effort of building a support network. Sometimes we all need that mean friend to check our bullshit. If it's done in love. Not just to be cruel.

 

[Microsoft]

Honestly it's surprising how many late 20s early 30s people are not successful.

I went for a catch-up with friends last weekend. And around 10 out of 20 guys are nitnsuccesnot and are in their late 20s and early 30s. The main reason for this is due to the housing market in the UK. Alot of these guys are living with their parents, with barely any saving to afford to move out or people renting or having a council house but due to rent prices being to high they have barely any money to put aside.

We are only going to see more and more of this.

Click to shrink...

What is your definition of successful?

 

[Deleted member 47843]

What is your definition of successful?

Click to shrink...

For me it's just being generally happy and making enough money to support a lifestyle and living arrangement that you're happy with. Be it owning/renting, living alone or with a partner or roommate.

More simply, just having your shit together for the most part, even if it's not living the idealized American Dream.

I have/had friends of various income levels/career success. The common thread is they're generally happy and pleasant people. As above, I have no use for people constantly whining and complaining, especially when their drama is mostly they're own doing. And I've had more people I've distanced myself from for such behavior over the years who were decently or very well of financially than lower-income friends. Mostly moot now as all our local friends are pretty well off since we moved for our careers and really only have local friends through those social circles. And it's a small group of friends as their are a lot of whiners in those circles.

 

[Deleted member 33533]

I think this is a complex situation.

Like on one hand, OP's friend needs a wake up call for sure. A good friend will be honest and try to help their friend even if that means bringing up truths that are uncomfortable to hear. At the same time though, OP was an absolute dick to his supposed friend. He didn't simply tell his friend the truth in order to help him, he attacked him out of anger.

All the people being like "Yeah, sometimes people just need to be absolutely shit on by the people closest to them! That's what true friends are for!" must have some real strange friendships. Honestly, it's exactly like people who "Tell it like it is" when they're actually just assholes. There are ways to help your friend wake up to his problems without unapologetically tearing them a new one. And like, maybe you got angry or fed up and it just came out. Ok but don't be proud of it. Get some perspective.

Honestly, it seems like OP looks down on his friend quite a lot. Friends are supposed to be people you see as equals; if a friend did that to me, they would not be my friend anymore.

In a vacuum, this makes sense, but we are talking about fifteen years which is literally over half of this person's life. At this point, the mindset, no matter where it originated, has pretty much been cemented into that person. I'm not a fan of tough love either, but something has to change. You have to imagine that any reasonable friends would have tried all of the things you've suggested.

Click to shrink...

There's tough love and then there's verbally attacking your friend in a 40 minute long relentless rant, targeting all of his insecurities and mistakes for pretty much all of his adult life and then being confused when he starts crying.

Sometimes people need to hear or feel the truth in order for it to wake them the fuck up.

The truth hurts but it makes you realize so much about yourself. Your not wrong bro and I look it at as saving your friends life instead of letting loose on him.

You did the right thing.

Click to shrink...

The truth does hurt but OP didn't just simply tell his friend the truth hoping to wake him up and ultimately help him. OP was just fed up and angrily attacked his friend to feel better about himself. The friend didn't even do anything directly to incite OP's anger besides annoy him by complaining about his life problems over the years so I don't even know why OP unleashed on him like that.

OPs friend is probably going to remember this for long time but likely not what you think he will take away from it all. He will mostly remember how his friend betrayed him.

OP did the wrong thing. He needs to realize that and apologize. That doesn't me taking everything he said back. It means apologizing for attacking his friend and explaining why he did it.

 

[Lumination]

There's tough love and then there's verbally attacking your friend in a 40 minute long relentless rant, targeting all of his insecurities and mistakes for pretty much all of his adult life and then being confused when he starts crying.

Click to shrink...

You and I don't know that that's what happened. Considering OP's responses, he seems like a fairly well-adjusted and reasonable human being. So no, it probably didn't go like this.

 

[Deleted member 40133]

My whole point. Our generation got fucked by things beyond our control. Can't act like it's just because "he didn't try hard enough".

Spoiler

so it isn't actually surprising at all.

Click to shrink...

Things are seriously fucked up. I'm making more than the Canadian average, have five digits saved up and me and my wife STILL need to live with my parents a few more years to afford to buy a home. Their is some seriously fucked up stuff going on

 

[Deleted member 10747]

We talked, he's fine. Dunno if he's gonna do anything with what I said to him, he hasn't made any complaints to me.

Click to shrink...

You think he's still going to complain to you?

You and I don't know that that's what happened. Considering OP's responses, he seems like a fairly well-adjusted and reasonable human being. So no, it probably didn't go like this.

Click to shrink...

So this are kind of the things the OP himself mentioned. He did not respond if this was the only tone or that he was more nuanced than he's letting on.

I kind of ranted for like forty minutes bringing stuff up over teh past ten years as examples as to why he's basically been failing life

Click to shrink...

I did give him some solutions, but they were quite brutal, such as:

"Stop being a fucking pussy and dump X and go be single for a while and figure out how to be happy on your own instead of being a needy fuck and ruining other people's lives along with your own like your last girlfriend."

Click to shrink...

 

[Deleted member 33533]

You and I don't know that that's what happened. Considering OP's responses, he seems like a fairly well-adjusted and reasonable human being. So no, it probably didn't go like this.

Click to shrink...

Except that's exactly what OP said happened? I literally just described what OP himself said happened.

I kind of ranted for like forty minutes bringing stuff up over teh past ten years as examples as to why he's basically been failing life and how it was up to him to make the best of his situation and he consistently doesn't make an effort because he's more scared of failing than anything else, and that ironically enough is what turned him into a failure.

Click to shrink...

Anyway, he broke down and started crying and I felt really awkward because I didn't expect that.

Click to shrink...

He spent about 40 minutes picking out things his friend has done wrong over the past 10 years. Like I said, he pinpointed and attacked his friend's insecurities and mistakes all in one big, angry rant. He specifically dug up the past and reopened old wounds for no reason other than he was angry. People call this out as the bad thing it is in relationship but I guess not when its two friends.

Heck, OP even gave examples of what happened.

I did give him some solutions, but they were quite brutal, such as:

"Stop being a fucking pussy and dump X and go be single for a while and figure out how to be happy on your own instead of being a needy fuck and ruining other people's lives along with your own like your last girlfriend."

"There's nothing wrong with living at home with your parents but if you don't wanna be a fucking sponge, then help your mom and dad with shit beyond paying some rent money such as home improvement stuff, cleaning, spending time with them. There's no fucking shame in living at home still but it is what you make of it."

Click to shrink...

None of that is tough love. People who convince themselves that this kind of verbal attack on a friend is doing the friend a favor are just excusing shitty behavior. Like I said, it's like people who proudly proclaim they are honest and tell things like they are when they're actually just being assholes who say offensive and hurtful things.

 

[Snkfanatic]

We talked, he's fine. Dunno if he's gonna do anything with what I said to him, he hasn't made any complaints to me.

Click to shrink...

I wonder why

 

[Deleted member 47843]

You think he's still going to complain to you?


So this are kind of the things the OP himself mentioned. He did not respond if this was the only tone or that he was more nuanced that he's letting on.

Click to shrink...

He was probably overly harsh in his delivery. But at the same time, if he's been putting up with that kind of shit from his friend for 15 years it's understandable that he was fed up with it and blew up.

As above, in my experience there's just no fixing those kind of people. If they been negative, whiny, constant complainers they'll probably be that way forever barring getting professional help that actively works. Better just to cut such people off if they're driving you nuts and making you hate to be around them. Again, I'm not meaning drop close friends when they hit a hard patch, just these types where it's been years and years of the same behavior with repeated failed attempts to fix it. You have to either accept them as they are, or just move on if you can't stand to be around them. I opt for the later as I just have zero space for negative people in my life.

 

[Nerdyone]

"Let me berate you my friend for almost an hour about all the abusive relationships you are in. Once you live your life exactly the way we want you to live your life, all will be better."

OP, you should read a little bit about "fixing" and trying to control people. His problems are not yours. If you're his friend, you're there to be supportive when he needs your help, not tell him how to live his life or what he's doing "wrong" in your mind. The concept of being a "fuck up in life" is all relative.

If you really want to give advice (and FYI, people hate to receive advice), why not just kindly be like "hey man..." over dinner or something. Don't look for sympathy for being an asshole, whether it was "deserved" or not.

Click to shrink...

This is the worse advice I think I've ever read on ERA and that's saying a lot. People need to hear hard truths from time to time. If you can't take feedback then how do you know what to fix?

 

[Deleted member 10747]

He was probably overly harsh in his delivery. But at the same time, if he's been putting up with that kind of shit from his friend for 15 years it's understandable that he was fed up with it and blew up.

As above, in my experience there's just no fixing those kind of people. If they been negative, whiny, constant complainers they'll probably be that way forever barring getting professional help that actively works. Better just to cut such people off if they're driving you nuts and making you hate to be around them. Again, I'm not meaning drop close friends when they hit a hard patch, just these types where it's been years and years of the same behavior with repeated failed attempts to fix it. You have to either accept them as they are, or just move on if you can't stand to be around them. I opt for the later as I just have zero space for negative people in my life.

Click to shrink...

Here's the thing i agree with most of what you said in this thread. What i do not agree with is going off on someone and doing it in a bad, bad way and especially when you know that person has mental/emotional problems.

Just like you i also don't need those bad apples but that doesn't give me the right to just make things far worse for the person. When you reach a breaking point its fine, but you can not be horrible about it and throwing stuff in his/her face just because your done. I gave a example how i would do it and still keep someone dignity.

Sometimes you need to move on but does it mean you need to be mean and just......i see it as breaking someone down.

 

[Deleted member 47843]

Here's the thing i agree with most of what you said in this thread. What i do not agree with is going off on someone and doing it in a bad, bad way and especially when you know that person has mental/emotional problems.

Just like you i also don't need those bad apples but that doesn't give me the right to just make things far worse for the person. When you reach a breaking point its fine, but you can not be horrible about it and throwing stuff in his/her face just because your done. I gave a example how i would do it and still keep someone dignity.

Sometimes you need to move on but does it mean you need to be mean and just......i see it as breaking someone down.

Click to shrink...

Oh I agree. I think it's best to just cut a person off when you reach that point of being willing to go off on them after years of being frustrated over their complaining and not changing anything. Just stop hanging out with the, stop inviting them to things and move on. If they ask for an explanation, find a gentler way to let them down than going off on them.

I was just saying I'm not going to beat up the OP for going off though, as I can understand the frustration. In some sense they're a better person than I as they seem to have been putting up with this person for 15+ years and trying to help them at least off on on. Where as I would have dropped them ages ago. I'm just not that empathetic a person and want people in my life that make it happier and easier, not people that add negativity and drama. I'm just not a people person in general, tbh.

 

[Deleted member 33533]

You think he's still going to complain to you?

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I wonder why

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"So because I was tired of my friend complaining to me, I spent 40 minutes ranting to him about all of his fuck ups in the past 10 years, how he's a needy fuck and a pussy who keeps ruining other's lives and a sponge to his parents until he broke down to tears. But like he hasn't complained to me since then so he must be all good!"

OP should consider that maybe he friend is afraid that he's gonna have to sit through an 80 minute rant on how much of a fuck up he is this time.

NTGYK I would apologize if I were you. And I don't mean you should take back everything you said. You should just apologize for how you ripped into him. You just snapped on him in anger and that wasn't the right way to air your grievances no matter how long this has been bothering you. You may be proud of yourself but what you did probably did some serious damage to him rather than the help you think it might have done. Explain what happened and tell him that you care about him and want him to succeed but he needs to make real changes to fix his life and you've reached a limit on listening to him complain without doing anything you suggest.

 

[Lumination]

So this are kind of the things the OP himself mentioned. He did not respond if this was the only tone or that he was more nuanced than he's letting on.

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Except that's exactly what OP said happened? I literally just described what OP himself said happened.
[...]
None of that is tough love. People who convince themselves that this kind of verbal attack on a friend is doing the friend a favor are just excusing shitty behavior. Like I said, it's like people who proudly proclaim they are honest and tell things like they are when they're actually just being assholes who say offensive and hurtful things.

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People have already touched upon the macho nonsense in those quotes, but aside from that, it's standard advice. Could he have done more? I'm with you 100%. But was he purposely "targeting every insecurity" for malicious reasons? I have my doubts. To reiterate, I mostly agree with your criticisms, but disagree that the OP is some malicious bully.

 

[Deleted member 10747]

Oh I agree. I think it's best to just cut a person off when you reach that point of being willing to go off on them after years of being frustrated over their complaining and not changing anything. Just stop hanging out with the, stop inviting them to things and move on. If they ask for an explanation, find a gentler way to let them down than going off on them.

I was just saying I'm not going to beat up the OP for going off though, as I can understand the frustration. In some sense they're a better person than I as they seem to have been putting up with this person for 15+ years and trying to help them at least off on on. Where as I would have dropped them ages ago. I'm just not that empathetic a person and want people in my life that make it happier and easier, not people that add negativity and drama. I'm just not a people person in general, tbh.

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We are more alike than you think lol. But i just think and this in everything and no matter if your angry or not, cruelty has no place in life.

People have already touched upon the macho nonsense in those quotes, but aside from that, it's standard advice. Could he have done more? I'm with you 100%. But was he purposely "targeting every insecurity" for malicious reasons? I have my doubts. To reiterate, I mostly agree with your criticisms, but disagree that the OP is some malicious bully.

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I also don't know, but i felt this thread was more about bragging than questioning if he did the right thing.

 

[ObbyDent]

We talked, he's fine. Dunno if he's gonna do anything with what I said to him, he hasn't made any complaints to me.

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thats because you lack any sort of human emotion and no one in their right mind would ever confide in you after getting your rocks off being selfish and attacking him for an hour

you're a narcissist who likes being his friend because it makes you feel better about the shitty life choices you've made, and attacking him like you did keeps him in your good graces

because what you've done is manipulate him into thinking that if you leave him, he will be truly alone.

good job, kid. you changed him. in a totally healthy and productive way

 

[Deleted member 19066]

Here's the thing i agree with most of what you said in this thread. What i do not agree with is going off on someone and doing it in a bad, bad way and especially when you know that person has mental/emotional problems.

Just like you i also don't need those bad apples but that doesn't give me the right to just make things far worse for the person. When you reach a breaking point its fine, but you can not be horrible about it and throwing stuff in his/her face just because your done. I gave a example how i would do it and still keep someone dignity.

Sometimes you need to move on but does it mean you need to be mean and just......i see it as breaking someone down.

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Sometimes people need to be broken down when their behaviour is this unhealthy. Do you think OP going off on his friend in this manner is traumatic enough to actually cause lasting psychological damage to a grown man? Even taking into account depression or anxiety.