"I've met someone else"

[Biggersmaller]

When you say "I've met someone else" is it really to that point with this 3rd party? I'm confused based of your post where you stand with this other person.

Regardless, I've been on both sides of this coin. The inevitable infatuation can just be an excuse to get out of a relationship you don't want to be in anyway. If so, then just end the LTR.

If you are dedicated to your LTR, then keep it at light flirting and make the other person aware you are taken. If it progresses to a line that you know you shouldn't cross, then you have to make a choice. Drop one or the other.

 

[Inugami]

Sometimes you end up in a relationship with someone and you find out it's not working... That said, it feels really shitty to announce that that's the reason you aren't going to be with someone.

It's even MORE shitty if you pursue someone else while still in a relationship. Trying to hedge your bets by keeping someone around in case your fling doesn't work out.

Either a relationship is working, or it's not. If you're thinking of pursuing someone else then your current relationship is probably unsavable. If not the first person outside the relationship, others will come that'll put a strain on it. You either try talking to your spouse/SO and fixing the issues you have, or you try and break things off as cleanly and nicely for both sides as possible.

Don't fuck over someone else's life because you're thinking of moving on, but want to them as a human backup plan so you're more comfortable.

(Edit) To those saying you can't be a friend with an ex, that's not true. My ex is my best friend and me and my wife hang out with her and her husband on a near monthly basis. That said, there was definitely a need for time and space.

 

[Fliesen]

Isn't this how many relationships end? Many people lack the courage to go back to being by themselves after being in a relationship without there being:
* the potential of a new relationship
* the temptation of an exciting fling

Which is rather shitty, unilaterally breaking off the relationship when / because you've already found your designated rebound, while your (ex)-partner has no idea what's happening to them.

Also Macheezmo - Sorry this happened to you. I'm not sure staying friends is an option; I'd take some time, cut her out of my life completely, wait to get back on your feet - however long that may take - and then figure out if you wanna become friends again.

Right now, she's not your friend. Not because she's a bad person, but because there's a lot of emotional baggage and pain directly connected to her. Like, you don't become friends with the person who just ran over your dog, the day after... You might, eventually. But right now, you need to cut ties and take some time to heal.

 

[Deleted member 13188]

Good gods, what? Macheezmo don't do this... obviously.

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If someone isn't ready to seek professional help this is much better than nothing. Not everyone speed dials their therapist.

 

[Deleted member 13642]

You're probably trapped in a feedback loop of rejection and self loathing right now, but you should probably remember; you're gonna meet "someone else" too.

 

[The Bookerman]

Here's a situation I was in: Started talking to a girl, we started flirting, but when I made my move, the ex came back. She took him back, so us dating was on the side lines. She wanted to keep me around which I said fine, let's keep it in the friend zone. But we kept seeing each other, and I kissed her one day. That's it. I was in a relationship at the time and she was still with him. Then, She cut it off, no talking, nothing, no explanation. So I was the other guy. I still have no regrets about it.

 

[Vincent Alexander]

Unfortunately we need terms like this because lots of people still insist that if you didn't make out with someone you didn't do anything wrong.

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Yep. I know someone very recently who did just about everything you could possibly do EXCEPT bang, and to this day he vehemently denies he cheated. When you are at the point you are writing love letters to another woman, you are cheating.

 

[Wackamole]

You'll always be attracted to others. It's mostly choosing very wisely who you want to actually be with for years and years.

 

[Deleted member 33533]

I think if you've gotten to the point that you're ready to jump ship to someone else then you've probably been pursuing that other person while in your relationship for a decent amount of time which is pretty scummy, imo. I think that goes beyond fleeting crushes. You can't just break up with your partner and hop to your crush unless there is already something there between you two which tells me you were taking the time and effort to build that on the side. That definitely becomes what you would call emotional infidelity.

god i hate this term. It sounds so vague and loaded; it makes my brain wrinkle. You should probably be talking to your SO if shit like this happens, but I really hope we're not guilt tripping people for amicably talking to someone else; I'd still rank that in the "it's nothing" zone.

I've ""met someone"" and realized it was nothing but me fancying someone for a brief-ass period of time before getting over it like a dumb high school crush.

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I don't think anyone is saying talking amicably to someone is emotional infidelity. It doesn't mean you can't have close friends of whatever you're attracted to that you confide in and share a bond with. But there's a line that's crossed - and it's one that varies from person to person - that clearly is more romantic than platonic. You're right that it's important to talk to your SO to understand and set these boundaries but the person committing the emotional infidelity almost always knows what they are doing. It's why the people who do say "I've met someone else" are even able to come to that conclusion.

We don't stop being attracted to other people when we're in relationships and we have crushes from time to time, just like you said. But they're just that; crushes. I've had crushes on people before and acknowledge that to myself and just let them fade like crushes do. However, had I pursued a deeper relationship with this person while fully embracing this crush I had, I would definitely be stepping over a line.

 

[Layell]

My girlfriend was hitting a rough patch in her previous relationship where she and him were barely talking.

Then I came along and became friends with her. The relationship was basically going to end anyways so I don't feel any guilt, I ended up dating her 8 months after they broke up.

 

[Indy in the Fridge]

I'm married and of course the thought comes and goes. I might find someone attractive or interesting. But then I go home to my wife and realize the reasons I married her and how no other woman could ever match up.

 

[Yourfawthaaa]

Been through this.

Though i think she gave me bullshit reasons to break up, The signs were there. I let her be though. Made me feel she was talking
to this person for awhile and was just waiting for the correct time to end it.

got over it after about a week. Got back in the gym and finished the year getting Straight A's in my classes. You'll be fine.

 

[RedMercury]

Maintaining friendships with exes is never a good idea. Ever. Clean cut, for your own mental wellbeing.

Click to shrink...

Ever? Nah, depends on the situation. In this dude's case I would say hell no though.

 

[oneils]

Sometimes you end up in a relationship with someone and you find out it's not working... That said, it feels really shitty to announce that that's the reason you aren't going to be with someone.

It's even MORE shitty if you pursue someone else while still in a relationship. Trying to hedge your bets by keeping someone around in case your fling doesn't work out.

Either a relationship is working, or it's not. If you're thinking of pursuing someone else then your current relationship is probably unsavable. If not the first person outside the relationship, others will come that'll put a strain on it. You either try talking to your spouse/SO and fixing the issues you have, or you try and break things off as cleanly and nicely for both sides as possible.

Don't fuck over someone else's life because you're thinking of moving on, but want to them as a human backup plan so you're more comfortable.

(Edit) To those saying you can't be a friend with an ex, that's not true. My ex is my best friend and me and my wife hang out with her and her husband on a near monthly basis. That said, there was definitely a need for time and space.

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Great post.

 

[Kinggroin]

Go rub one out and rethink the question again.

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This

 

[Fallout-NL]

Go rub one out and rethink the question again.

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This.

 

[TheGhost]

Met someone else = this has been going on for a long while.

 

[Nightbird]

Well it's not exactly what happened to me.
I've been left for someone else a few times now, the most popular reason given being: "you're too much of a nice person and I think you will just be unhappy with me."

Fuck, if you're sucking someone else's dick just tell me instead of being so cryptic and causing me to get even more emotionally invested because I thought I could save that relationship.

 

[shnurgleton]

happened to me with my high school / college girlfriend. learned about the other guy on facebook. she married him. i haven't really gotten over it and it has been most of my twenties

 

[Replicant]

I had a gf of 4 years that one day after a fight said she met someone else. She went on to marry him and had a kid.

He took her last name lol. They are also now divorced.

 

[Deleted member 224]

When you say "I've met someone else" is it really to that point with this 3rd party? I'm confused based of your post where you stand with this other person.

Regardless, I've been on both sides of this coin. The inevitable infatuation can just be an excuse to get out of a relationship you don't want to be in anyway. If so, then just end the LTR.

If you are dedicated to your LTR, then keep it at light flirting and make the other person aware you are taken. If it progresses to a line that you know you shouldn't cross, then you have to make a choice. Drop one or the other.

Click to shrink...

No, don't.

 

[Commedieu]

Happened to me, but I ended up cheating then breaking up and starting a relationship with the new girl. We've been together for 10 years now and have a child together.

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And that childs name.

Jubbert Einstein...

 

[LastCaress]

Maintaining friendships with exes is never a good idea. Ever. Clean cut, for your own mental wellbeing.

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I'm very good friends with most of my exes. Granted there generally needs to be a period of no contact, but after that, why not?

 

[TinTuba47]

I did. Was with a girl for 3ish years, we lived together.

Went to a party one night, this girl walked in, love at first sight. Talked to her, we had a shitload in common. She was amazing. Also had a boyfriend

Broke up with my GF, pursued new girl, she broke up with her BF and we ended up being together for 7 years. She's still one of the most amazing people I've ever met, and I don't regret anything.

I don't condone homewrecking by any stretch, but sometimes someone who's one in a million comes along and you gotta act on it

 

[SweetBellic]

Unfortunately we need terms like this because lots of people still insist that if you didn't make out with someone you didn't do anything wrong.

Click to shrink...

But therein lies the rub... Part of what makes "emotional infidelity" such a nebulous and frustrating term is because it is often unclear whether there has been any wrongdoing in these situations. We can hold our partners accountable for their choices, but their feelings for others are not always a consequence of their actions. Sometimes people cross paths and just click on an emotional level and develop feelings for each other; we can only fault them to the extent that they act on these feelings. You're right that such wrong or hurtful actions are not limited to physical intimacy, but I think it's important to distinguish feelings from actions since I have seen people use terms like "emotional cheating" to victimize themselves even when their partners never acted on their feelings and even did the right thing by being upfront and honest about them.

 

[Spinluck]

Dating sounds awesome nowadays...

 

[Thunder11]

I did. Was with a girl for 3ish years, we lived together.

Went to a party one night, this girl walked in, love at first sight. Talked to her, we had a shitload in common. She was amazing. Also had a boyfriend

Broke up with my GF, pursued new girl, she broke up with her BF and we ended up being together for 7 years. She's still one of the most amazing people I've ever met, and I don't regret anything.

I don't condone homewrecking by any stretch, but sometimes someone who's one in a million comes along and you gotta act on it

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This is more of what I was referring to. No malintent, no long term monkey branching, just something like that "one in a million" walking in.

 

[TinTuba47]

This is more of what I was referring to. No malintent, no long term monkey branching, just something like that "one in a million" walking in.

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Shit happens

 

[HyGogg]

I met my now-fiancee while I was still with my ex, but we kept it strictly platonic until after the break up. That initial time as "just friends", playing games and watching movies together surely laid some groundwork for what was to come, but I wasn't thinking about it like that at the time. My ex told me she still "considered it cheating," presumably because she thought we broke up on the assumption that I'd take her back in a few months like I did the last time we broke up.

But to be honest, I really don't think was any kind of factor in the relationship. At the time we broke up I wasn't really looking at the new girl as a romantic possibility, and I was honestly just planning to stay single for a while and get my head together. I'm sure it strengthened my resolve to ignore her advances when she inevitably came back around, but it was a non-factor in the initial break up.

100% it was the right decision. Far happier now than I ever was before, engaged, planning a future.

 

[SugarNoodles]

....Yeah it is. I can't say you've cheated if you haven't done anything. When you phrase it like this that means it's literally impossible to not cheat by breaking off a relationship to date someone new, even if you've never done anything with the new person yet. That means every person who's ever said "if you're going to cheat, just end the relationship" is stating something impossible.

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That is complete and utter nonsense. Making a decision to continue talking to someone who you've developed feelings for when you're already in a monogamous relationship is an extremely obvious violation of a boundary. Unless you've communicated to your partner that you've met someone you're interested in and you want to see where it goes while still being in a relationship with your current partner and you've gotten permission from them to go ahead, you're being flagrantly dishonest and whether you're technically "cheating" doesn't really matter. Saying you haven't "done anything" by that point is basically gaslighting.

But therein lies the rub... Part of what makes "emotional infidelity" such a nebulous and frustrating term is because it is often unclear whether there has been any wrongdoing in these situations. We can hold our partners accountable for their choices, but their feelings for others are not always a consequence of their actions. Sometimes people cross paths and just click on an emotional level and develop feelings for each other; we can only fault them to the extent that they act on these feelings. You're right that such wrong or hurtful actions are not limited to physical intimacy, but I think it's important to distinguish feelings from actions since I have seen people use terms like "emotional cheating" to victimize themselves even when their partners never acted on their feelings and even did the right thing by being upfront and honest about them.

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You're right that actions are different from feelings, but once a person is aware of their feelings, everything moving forward is a choice. A person can't be blamed for realizing they potentially have feelings for someone other than their partner, but they sure as hell can be blamed for continuing to spend time with that person while those feelings continue to develop.

 

[Grouch Douglass]

I think most would be lying if they said they never pictured somebody else whilst having sex w/ their partner.

 

[Dice]

I had a gf of 4 years that one day after a fight said she met someone else. She went on to marry him and had a kid.

He took her last name lol. They are also now divorced.

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[StrangerDanger]

That temporary relief. It's like masturbation, you get really into watching something and are into it, then after your fantasies of it are done with and you wonder why something turned you on so much hahaha.

Not going to lie, every now and then i have this itch about wanting to date again because of the thrill and randomness of it all, its different. But then when i think about it at a different time, i get turned off because i remember all the bad moments and the fact that my current gf has everything i wanted. However these thoughts i feel are productive because i actually communicate it via my partner, and we figure out the little things that go into occupying that train of thought and helps strengthen our relationship. But there will always be a little itch, it's completely normal

 

[Cookie]

Met my wife that way. She had a boyfriend at the time, nothing happened before they broke up and I don't know if she said exactly "I've met someone else".

We were meant to be together and it was immediately obvious. She had been with her previous boyfriend for a month or so before studying abroad (where we met) and we were together a couple of months after that so it wasn't that serious anyway.

He did find me on Facebook later and sent me a bunch of angry messages.

 

[SEBattleship]

I was the guy that she met.

We're married now and are actively trying to conceive our first kid.

 

[Budi]

My fiancee met someone else. She didn't admit anything at the time when questioned about it (I would have preferred if she did), but it was made pretty clear by what happened right after we broke up. She was also in a relationship when we first met. I had someone be interested in me while we were together too, but I was quite happy at the time so I didn't jump ship. I also told her that another woman had expressed interest in me and we had been talking.

 

[Yautja_Warrior]

My best friend is a perfect match, we love the same stuff, get on so well and always have a laugh but I'm also in a happy relationship. I met her only a few years ago, through a mutual friend and we were very close right from the start, we just had that instant spark / connection between us.

We have both said we would be great together but also she didn't want to upset my gf and of course I didn't want that either, so we decided to stay friends, as it's better than nothing but it's sometimes hard, when we are so close and fancy each other.

We've gone the 2 years without cheating, so we both have good will power but I do sometimes wish we had met first.

 

[random_polymath]

I had a crush on a girl I knew in school.
She moved, but still lived close by, but went to a different school.
My best friend had a friend who went to that school.
I asked my best friend if he would ask his friend to ask her if she would want to go out with me (this was elementary/middle school and I was shy).
My best friend comes back to me, "She said yes."
My best friend and I go out riding bikes and I want to go see her.
I knock on her door and her older sisters answer the door.
"Is ---- here?", I ask.
She comes to the door and says, "I didn't say yes, I said no."
Everyone at the door laughs at me.
I walk back to my "best friend" and get into a fight with him.
The girl I like gets into a vehicle with her sisters and drives past as I lose the fight and am pinned to the ground as they drive away laughing.
Later on, I found out that the friend my "best friend" asked to ask her out for me, ended up going out with her instead.

 

[BladeoftheImmortal]

Love and relationships can be complicated. Things aren't just black and white and you can have feelings for more than 1 person. I don't know if people are supposed to be monogamous.

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We aren't but we give it one hell of a try.

 

[Deleted member 224]

My best friend is a perfect match, we love the same stuff, get on so well and always have a laugh but I'm also in a happy relationship. I met her only a few years ago, through a mutual friend and we were very close right from the start, we just had that instant spark / connection between us.

We have both said we would be great together but also she didn't want to upset my gf and of course I didn't want that either, so we decided to stay friends, as it's better than nothing but it's sometimes hard, when we are so close and fancy each other.

We've gone the 2 years without cheating, so we both have good will power but I do sometimes wish we had met first.

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I think you should either break up with your gf or work towards getting rid of the feelings you have for your friend. Because this is pretty shitty.

Does your girlfriend at least know how you and your friend feel about each other?

 

[SageShinigami]

That is complete and utter nonsense. Making a decision to continue talking to someone who you've developed feelings for when you're already in a monogamous relationship is an extremely obvious violation of a boundary. Unless you've communicated to your partner that you've met someone you're interested in and you want to see where it goes while still being in a relationship with your current partner and you've gotten permission from them to go ahead, you're being flagrantly dishonest and whether you're technically "cheating" doesn't really matter. Saying you haven't "done anything" by that point is basically gaslighting.

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Uhhh, I disagree but it's all good.

 

[Deleted member 224]

Uhhh, I disagree but it's all good.

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It may not be cheating, but it's clearly a shitty thing to do and will almost certainly impact the trust in a relationship if it comes out. So the overall effect is similar. If you haven't "done anything" in that situation there should be absolutely no problem bringing it up with your SO.

 

[Yautja_Warrior]

I think you should either break up with your gf or work towards getting rid of the feelings you have for your friend. Because this is pretty shitty.

Does your girlfriend at least know how you and your friend feel about each other?

Click to shrink...

I'd see it as shitty if we were cheating but like I said, me and my gf are happy too, so no need to make things complicated or start upsetting people, it's just one of those things, you can't always help who you fancy but we are being adults about it and just staying friends, not everyone has to cheat.

Maybe if I wasn't happy it would be different but I'm still happy with my relationship, so I have no reason to change that.

 

[Deleted member 224]

I'd see it as shitty if we were cheating but like I said, me and my gf are happy too, so no need to make things complicated or start upsetting people, it's just one of those things, you can't always help who you fancy but we are being adults about it and just staying friends, not everyone has to cheat.

Maybe if I wasn't happy it would be different but I'm still happy with my relationship, so I have no reason to change that.

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So then your gf knows about you and your friend and the feelings you have for each other?

 

[Yautja_Warrior]

So then your gf knows about you and your friend and the feelings you have for each other?

Click to shrink...

She knows we are close obviously but she doesn't know we fancy each other. But we don't hang out with each other alone, only in our group of friends, so no chance of any cheating going on and I still love my gf.

Life is never straight forward and likes to throw a curve ball once in a while but if handled the right way, it doesn't need to get messy either.

 

[Deleted member 224]

She knows we are close obviously but she doesn't know we fancy each other. But we don't hang out with each other alone, only in our group of friends, so no chance of any cheating going on and I still love my gf.

Life is never straight forward and likes to throw a curve ball once in a while but if handled the right way, it doesn't need to get messy either.

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You should address the feelings you have for your friend. And it's not right to hide these feelings from your gf if you refuse to do so.

 

[Yautja_Warrior]

You should address the feelings you have for your friend. And it's not right to hide these feelings from your gf if you refuse to do so.

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Well we already said we were just going to stay friends, so that's addressed as far as me and my friend are concerned. So I feel no need to possibly cause issues between me and my gf because of something that isn't really a thing.

 

[CountAntonio]

 

[Whales]

it happened to me... was with my gf for 3 years, met a girl and started catching feelings for her

I broke up with my gf once I realized what was happening to me. Mind you, I didnt cheat or even go on a date with the other girl or anything like that, Just emotionally. And now I didnt even date the other girl.

shit was really hard and I still feel like shit about it

 

[Deleted member 224]

Well we already said we were just going to stay friends, so that's addressed as far as me and my friend are concerned. So I feel no need to possibly cause issues between me and my gf because of something that isn't really a thing.

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I mean, you must be more than friends if you both know you're into each other after 2 years of "just friends". If all you've been is friends, then how do you know she still has any attraction towards you?