My girlfriend & I broke up and I feel terrible since it was my fault [Plan for Self-Improvement in Threadmarks]

[Neoxon]

The belief that there isn't another relationship coming right around the corner is the biggest trap to avoid. You'll absolutely kill your self esteem and mental health if you buy into that lie.

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Considering that I have a lot to work on regarding myself, it's definitely too soon. I need to take things one step at a time, & it starts with improving my relationship with my little brother.

Honestly, I may use some of the money I saved for my date with my now-ex to take my little brother to lunch.

 

[Trup1aya]

Fair enough, but I'm not seeing how it's "condescending" to say "no it's not actually that" when someone says something wrong. The girlfriend in this case was technically right however, but regardless I don't think being wrong about something like that is worth breaking up over.

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According to the OP, he spoke condescendingly of her acceptance of science, even likening her to Trump. Considering she's studying STEM, I can imagine that being very hurtful.

I doubt very much that she broke up with him because of this particular incident. This was probably a common occurrence, and she finally got tired of him being a dick about such things.

 

[Neoxon]

According to the OP, he spoke condescendingly of her acceptance of science, even likening her to Trump.

I doubt very much that she broke up with him because of this particular incident. This was probably a common occurrence, and she finally got tired of him being a dick about such things.

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Which is why I'm here now. I didn't realize how far I fell until it was too late, & I don't want that to ever happen again.

 

[Trup1aya]

Which is why I'm here now. I didn't realize how far I fell until it was too late, & I don't want that to ever happen again.

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Hey man, you are young. You live and you learn. The fact that you are reflective is a great start.

 

[Neoxon]

Hey man, you are young. You live and you learn. The fact that you are reflective is a great start.

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Thank you, really. But that's all it is right now, a start. I need to make sure that I keep it going, one day at a time. It's why I'm thankful that so many of you are giving it to me straight.

 

[The Last Laugh]

Perhaps learning meditation and CBT would help. Go see a therapist, OP. It will help you with your plans to better yourself. You're already halfway there by acknowledging the problem and planning to do better.

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I am thinking that CBT may not have the effect on our friend here that you think it would. Or wait we may be talking two different things.

 

[Nida]

Have you been evaluated by a professional for whether you might be on the spectrum? Difficulty in recognizing sarcasm is one common symptom of it.

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This was one of the first things that popped into my mind when reading the OP, and continued when reading about the sarcasm misunderstanding.
But if it makes you feel any better OP, I see this being something you look back on and laugh at in a few years. I'm glad to see you being introspective after this unfortunate series of events.
Next time just don't take everything as so literal.

 

[Neoxon]

This was one of the first things that popped into my mind when reading the OP, and continued when reading about the sarcasm misunderstanding.
But if it makes you feel any better OP, I see this being something you look back on and laugh at in a few years. I'm glad to see you being introspective after this unfortunate series of events.
Next time just don't take everything as so literal.

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That's advice that would also apply to me on Era, but thanks.

 

[msdstc]

Considering that I have a lot to work on regarding myself, it's definitely too soon. I need to take things one step at a time, & it starts with improving my relationship with my little brother.

Honestly, I may use some of the money I saved for my date with my now-ex to take my little brother to lunch.

Click to shrink...

Unfortunately that poster wasn't referring to you getting a new girlfriend, they were implying your ex likely has somebody else lined up. I'm not convinced of that at all, but don't let it destroy your self esteem and growth here if that happens.

 

[Neoxon]

Unfortunately that poster wasn't referring to you getting a new girlfriend, they were implying your ex likely has somebody else lined up. I'm not convinced of that at all, but don't let it destroy your self esteem and growth here if that happens.

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I don't intend do. My plan for growth is something I want for myself, not just because of what happened today. That was mainly the wake-up call I desperately needed.

 

[Linkura]

I am thinking that CBT may not have the effect on our friend here that you think it would. Or wait we may be talking two different things.

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Cognitive behavioral therapy

 

[teacup]

Weirdly enough, she said that she wasn't mad at me when she recently replied. But she stood by her decision in that she wanted to just be friends, which I respected.

From here, I'm gonna focus on mending the bridge with my little brother in terms of our relationship as I better myself on all fronts (not sweating the small stuff, not having arguments escalate, sarcasm, not being an overpowering jerk at times, all of it). Maybe later down the road when I'm ready, I can put myself out there again. But I don't want to do that until I'm damn sure that I go back out there a better man.

Click to shrink...

Good job man. It sounds brutal to say this but sometimes we need an event like this to just grow the fuck up and realise so much of they stuff doesn't matter.

I used to pick up things I thought were "wrong" all the time. Now who cares? Are you enjoying each other's company? Then enjoy life :)

 

[NervousXtian]

Married for almost 20 years now.. the secret is it's not about being right. It's about being a decent human being who accepts others, especially their partner with respect. Most people don't want to be lectured, and especially not by their partner about stupid ass shit.

If her saying something you think is wrong bothers you.. that's a YOU problem, not a THEM problem.

 

[///PATRIOT]

You c

Weirdly enough, she said that she wasn't mad at me when she recently replied. But she stood by her decision in that she wanted to just be friends, which I respected.

From here, I'm gonna focus on mending the bridge with my little brother in terms of our relationship as I better myself on all fronts (not sweating the small stuff, not having arguments escalate, sarcasm, not being an overpowering jerk at times, all of it). Maybe later down the road when I'm ready, I can put myself out there again. But I don't want to do that until I'm damn sure that I go back out there a better man.

Click to shrink...

OP, I've been a condensending twat myself and learned not to force my believes and knowledge on people. So I'd argue with you and in some point I will say let's agree we disagree.

 

[EJS]

If you broke up after 6 months over when fucking fall starts then it was never going to last.

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Sorry OP but this is it.

 

[night814]

If you broke up after 6 months over when fucking fall starts then it was never going to last.

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Agreed, solid relationships get past little spats like this. It was always going to end this way. Best thing is to not let it discourage you from seeing a new person and to remember the errors of any and all past relationships to make the next one that much better.

 

[wenis]

walk it off.

 

[Mammoth Jones]

I mean if y'all done over a tiny squabble then it's for the best. Ya'll ain't right for each other.

 

[night814]

Remember that Albert Camus got famous because he understood what the ancient philosophers didn't. That there was no point to finding the truth because there is no truth.

When you share yourself, you share your existence, the time you spend together. You're making someone else live their lives alongside yours. And we, humans, human as we are, care not about truth, but pleasure.

If you want someone to be with you, you gotta be a pleasure to be with to them.

That's all there is.

Click to shrink...

This 110%. Very well said, nobody wants to be around a negative person even if they don't mean to be.

 

[Neoxon]

Agreed, solid relationships get past little spats like this. It was always going to end this way. Best thing is to not let it discourage you from seeing a new person and to remember the errors of any and all past relationships to make the next one that much better.

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That's the plan, but I have to do the "fixing the errors" part before I move forward. I messed up, & I don't want that to ever happen again.

 

[Josh378]

I have a feeling she already wanted to break up with the OP and then found any little argument to find a reason to break up. I would also check to see if she is immediately dating another dude after the so called "breakup".

Most relationships I've seen when it ends within the first year, the SO has already found her/his next target mate and want to drop the current one.

Reflect an fix yourself OP, but keep in mind that it was going to happen argument or not.

 

[night814]

That's the plan, but I have to do the "fixing the errors" part before I move forward. I messed up, & I don't want that to ever happen again.

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I mean the chances of this happening again are pretty good whether it's through your actions or not, it's highly unlikely your next relationship will end in marriage or anything like that. Best thing you can do is just keep your mistakes in mind and listen to what your partners likes and dislikes are. Always try to stay positive and be supportive, but also not being to oppressive. Saying stuff like you were in love with her after 6 months is kind of a bad sign personally, it makes me think you don't know what love actually is or feels like; you probably just liked her considering you yourself said you didn't have a lot in common.

I also think you are taking this a little too hard on yourself. Good relationships don't end after one spat that maybe goes a bit beyond a simple spat. To me it sounds like she was looking for any window of opportunity to pump the breaks. Some relationships are just gonna be short term like that.

 

[TaySan]

My father is exactly like you. Argues and complains about the most petty shit.
Sometimes is best to just let things go and not get so worked up over the smallest details.

 

[Deleted member 14518]

You're both wrong, it starts in August...

 

[Clefargle]

Learn to shrug it off. Sometimes it just ain't worth fighting over something relatively inconsequential

 

[DeathyBoy]

According to the OP, he spoke condescendingly of her acceptance of science, even likening her to Trump. Considering she's studying STEM, I can imagine that being very hurtful.

I doubt very much that she broke up with him because of this particular incident. This was probably a common occurrence, and she finally got tired of him being a dick about such things.

Click to shrink...

Is there an actual reason why some of y'all are throwing shade at OP? Because this shit is getting harsh to read.

OP, relationships are a two way street. I've beat myself up plenty of stuff over I've said back in the day, but the honest truth is if it's meant to be then one of the parties will fight for that relationship everytime. If they don't, then while it's incredibly sad it's the right thing to cut your losses.

 

[Trup1aya]

Is there an actual reason why some of y'all are throwing shade at OP? Because this shit is getting harsh to read.

OP, relationships are a two way street. I've beat myself up plenty of stuff over I've said back in the day, but the honest truth is if it's meant to be then one of the parties will fight for that relationship everytime. If they don't, then while it's incredibly sad it's the right thing to cut your losses.

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Why am I quoted in a post about throwing shade?

 

[Notaskwid]

This 110%. Very well said, nobody wants to be around a negative person even if they don't mean to be.

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I learned this the hard way

 

[Deleted member 18161]

Thinking back to my other interactions with friends & family, I feel like it's a mix of me being unable to tell sarcasm & having strong feelings about certain subjects that can make me a hardass.

Either way, I appreciate the blunt honesty. My hope now is that I take the time to better myself as a person so I don't continue to be the thing I despise.

Click to shrink...

Have you been tested for Aspergers? (serious question).

 

[Magilla]

Yeah, it's already been a weird start to the month. I didn't think that I'd contribute to that.

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You mean it has been a weird start to fall, right?

 

[Cotton McKnight]

Dear OP, consider reading Dale Carnegies book, How to Win Friends and Influence Others.

But on the other side of things, my wife and I have had similar stupid arguments where one of us did not understand the other was messing with the therm.

I'm sorry your situation went poorly.

 

[Nerokis]

OP, maybe it'll help to say this: I grew significantly after my first college-age break up, such that some of my previous bullshit very quickly became an object of wonder and shame, and entered my next relationship a much better version of myself.

You seem to be taking this in the right way, with a lot of honest self-reflection, and I think there's very good reason to believe you'll be a much better romantic partner the next time around.

Just don't wait to be that person. Stop overestimating your own rationality, emphasize your capacity for things like patience more, work on your in-the-moment empathy, etc., and start practicing being an even more positive force with the people around you. As tough as it can be to reckon with your worst, most of us also do a bad job getting to know our best selves.

 

[fick]

My wife is putting out fall decorations since it's now September. What do I do?

 

[Deleted member 4552]

I should probably give context as to what happened. Basically we were texting about the incoming season, & she talked about how Fall starts on September 1st. Me, not exactly being good with sarcasm, took her seriously & tried to correct her. It eventually led to an argument that made me hurt her (not physically, obviously) over the fact that she was ignoring science to fit what seemed to me like her world view. Now we're done. After six months, we're done. I feel like shit over this, as I really did love her. But I guess it's like what she said, we really were opposites.

At the very least, she's willing to be friends later down the road, so I can be somewhat happy about that. But this whole thing made me realize my own faults. Me being a hardass, me being unable to tell sarcasm (especially over text), everything. I hate bullies, & I didn't even realize that I was being the very thing I despise. Now all I want is to be better, so that never happens again. I'm saying all this here because I need to vent, be honest about what I did somewhere.

Click to shrink...

So your dating-life roster has gone from 50% female to 0% in the current release, you hate to see it.

Also launching with a bare bones roster of just 1 isn't the way to go in 2019, hopefully there will be some dlc soon, but I don't think so, I predict a not-at-all-free-to-play move to the GaaS (Girllfriend as a Service) model, by next Evo.

 

[Singher]

OP, I'm kind of noticing a trend in this thread where you are not replying or acknowledging directly to people that have shown you the fact fall can start on September 1st. It's great that you are self reflecting of the fact that you can be over-bearing, but I feel as though you have an even tougher time acknowledging that you can be factually incorrect about topics that you think you know the answer to.

Another poster recommended that you should go to Cognitive Behaviour Therapy and I agree with them. I really think that it could help you understand more about yourself.

 

[Dinjooh]

Reading this whole thread from a country where you use the meteorological system only, this comes across as some weird as fuck shit. If you had a school quiz regarding which season you're in right now, and you said anything other than fall, you'd fail that quiz.

 

[Wamb0wneD]

I am thinking that CBT may not have the effect on our friend here that you think it would. Or wait we may be talking two different things.

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Lol. I think I was thinking about the same thing as you...I think.

 

[konka]

OP, I'm kind of noticing a trend in this tread where you are not replying or acknowledging directly to people that have shown you the fact fall can start on September 1st. It's great that you are self reflecting of the fact that you can be over-bearing, but there I feel as though you have an even tougher time acknowledging that you can be factually incorrect about topics that you think you know the answer to.

Another poster recommended that you should go to Cognitive Behaviour Therapy and I agree with them. I really think that it could help you understand more about yourself.

Click to shrink...

Yep.

If I'm being honest a lot or the "I need to make myself better comments" over and over sound like a person who is going through the motions and saying what they think they should be saying rather than any sort of deep reflection on ones traits.

Not being able to even really acknowledge that you were wrong about the stupid shit you felt the need to argue about is a red flag.

It sounds to me like you always need to be right and get the last word in. It's a nasty way to be.

 

[SOBOSLDR]

Word to the wise never try to correct your girl on small stupid stuff like this, even if your right. You just agree with her and keep trucking. Smarter men then me have one saying: "The woman is always right". Textbook example here. This type of petty argument never looks good for you. If you correct the person it makes them feel stupid. Even if you do it in a nice way they think "uggg this person always has to be right" it's a no win scenario. Just agree and keep trucking.

 

[LuigiMario]

Unlearning bad behaviors and habits is intense and hard work. I've been working through it doing EMDR based therapy and found it more beneficial than past CBT experiences.

But yes, you are taking a healthy approach to this experience, no one is perfect and don't hound on yourself because you feel like you ruined a relationship. All you can do is move forward, learn, and strive to be better.

 

[rras1994]

Word to the wise never try to correct your girl on small stupid stuff like this, even if your right. You just agree with her and keep trucking. Smarter men then me have one saying: "The woman is always right". Textbook example here. This type of petty argument never looks good for you. If you correct the person it makes them feel stupid. Even if you do it in a nice way they think "uggg this person always has to be right" it's a no win scenario. Just agree and keep trucking.

Click to shrink...

Did you even read the thread? Like, this is condescending as fuck - for one as multiple posters have pointed out, she was right. And two, he wasn't nice on correcting her at all, he compared her to Trump and questioned her ability as a Scientist! Turning this into a "well women have to feel their right" is really inappropriate.

 

[Singher]

Word to the wise never try to correct your girl on small stupid stuff like this, even if your right. You just agree with her and keep trucking. Smarter men then me have one saying: "The woman is always right". Textbook example here. This type of petty argument never looks good for you. If you correct the person it makes them feel stupid. Even if you do it in a nice way they think "uggg this person always has to be right" it's a no win scenario. Just agree and keep trucking.

Click to shrink...

Jesus christ this is awful and sexist advice. I'm 100% sure my girlfriend would break up with me if I treated her like this. Like who seriously thinks this is good advice. Dialogue and debates are important in a relationship, as long as you treat the other person with respect and not as some idiot that needs to be right all the time.

 

[msdstc]

Word to the wise never try to correct your girl on small stupid stuff like this, even if your right. You just agree with her and keep trucking. Smarter men then me have one saying: "The woman is always right". Textbook example here. This type of petty argument never looks good for you. If you correct the person it makes them feel stupid. Even if you do it in a nice way they think "uggg this person always has to be right" it's a no win scenario. Just agree and keep trucking.

Click to shrink...

Well this post is sexist as fuck.

Edit-

like this. Like who seriously thinks this is good advice. Dialogue and debates are important in a relationship, as long as you treat the other person with respect and not as some idiot that needs to be right all the time.

Click to shrink...

Also not everything needs to be debated. Doesn't sound like the girl in this case was trying to establish anything as actual fact, just that to her fall officially starts after August.