My girlfriend & I broke up and I feel terrible since it was my fault [Plan for Self-Improvement in Threadmarks]

[Neoxon]

I should probably give context as to what happened. Basically we were texting about the incoming season, & she talked about how Fall starts on September 1st. Me, not exactly being good with sarcasm, took her seriously & tried to correct her. It eventually led to an argument that made me hurt her (not physically, obviously) over the fact that she was ignoring science to fit what seemed to me like her world view. Now we're done. After six months, we're done. I feel like shit over this, as I really did love her. But I guess it's like what she said, we really were opposites.

At the very least, she's willing to be friends later down the road, so I can be somewhat happy about that. But this whole thing made me realize my own faults. Me being a hardass, me being unable to tell sarcasm (especially over text), everything. I hate bullies, & I didn't even realize that I was being the very thing I despise. Now all I want is to be better, so that never happens again. I'm saying all this here because I need to vent, be honest about what I did somewhere.

 

[CloseTalker]

Sounds right up there on the list of dumb things to end a relationship over, but at least it caused you tyo reflect on how your actions can be perceived I suppose. Sorry your relationship had to end, but if it ended over something like this, it probably wasn't meant to be

 

[Schreckstoff]

Hoodoo boy I thought she died from the title

 

[SystemBug]

Sounds right up there on the list of dumb things to end a relationship over, but at least it caused you tyo reflect on how your actions can be perceived I suppose. Sorry your relationship had to end, but if it ended over something like this, it probably wasn't meant to be

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I assuming this isn't the first time this happened. Probably happened a lot. People often talk to their loved ones to de-stress and be non-confrontational. Something like this did no favours to both parties

 

[Spork4000]

If you broke up after 6 months over when fucking fall starts then it was never going to last.

 

[Lumination]

Sounds right up there on the list of dumb things to end a relationship over, but at least it caused you tyo reflect on how your actions can be perceived I suppose. Sorry your relationship had to end, but if it ended over something like this, it probably wasn't meant to be

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Disagree. I wouldn't want to be with someone (in OP's words) that's a hardass over small things that are meant to be jokes. It's exhausting.

Good on you for realizing, OP. I made some mistakes in my last relationship that ended it 9mo in. Sucks that this is what it took, but you know the problem, I have no doubt you'll come out the other side a better person, and be in a better position to find a better partner for you as well.

 

[Neoxon]

I assuming this isn't the first time this happened. Probably happened a lot. People often talk to their loved ones to de-stress and be non-confrontational. Something like this did no favours to both parties

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There was an instance or two of me getting heated, but many of me not being able to tell when she was being sarcastic. It built up for a while, and despite my best efforts, I couldn't quite grasp things.

 

[hordak]

on one hand maybe don't say go straight to the mean things when arguing. on the other hand that was something very silly to to cause a breakup.

 

[Seesaw15]

OP like.

 

[aceface]

When keeping it real goes wrong.

 

[Figgles]

If you broke up after 6 months over when fucking fall starts then it was never going to last.

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This right here. You did yourselves a favor.

 

[KingSnake]

Breaking up because you're not agreeing on when the fall starts sounds like the most ResetEra way to behave in a relationship. Red flag and all.

 

[MindofKB]

If you broke up after 6 months over when fucking fall starts then it was never going to last.

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Yep, if you break up over something meaningless like this, it was best for you to move on.

 

[The Waistcoat]

If you broke up after 6 months over when fucking fall starts then it was never going to last.

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Sums it up nicely.

It doesn't sound like you two were compatible. How old are you both?

 

[Thunder11]

It is definitely not because of when fall starts.

To be blunt, it sounds like you are a difficult person to be around, to the point that this argument was the straw that broke the camel's back. Take the opportunity to reflect on you come across to others and just move on.

 

[Melkezadek]

You don't need to be right all the time. Sorry you had to learn that lesson the hard way.

 

[PMS341]

Maybe I'm crazy, but I just can't understand loving someone within 6 months. I feel like it takes longer to truly know a person.

Either way, that is an incredibly odd thing to end a relationship over, or at least unique, but it's more than likely better for you just to move on, even if you feel a deeper connection. Arguments like that tend to end up much worse over time. I just recently broke up with my girlfriend of almost a year over an argument that just kept resurfacing (she said "TERF was the N-word for women" and yeah... went down an interesting path there) and there comes a point where you realize you just don't connect with someone over something fundamental to your core.

It never feels good, though, so make sure to take some time for yourself and do what makes you happy.

 

[Min]

Sorry Neoxon. Was this all over text or are you able to call her/talk in person and try to apologize about the misunderstanding? It's not like you aren't able to empathize with her point of view. If you're willing to work on trying to change then you might be able to salvage something. Sometimes shock is what requires a person to look at themselves from an outside perspective.

 

[Neoxon]

It is definitely not because of when fall starts.

To be blunt, it sounds like you are a difficult person to be around, to the point that this argument was the straw that broke the camel's back. Take the opportunity to reflect on you come across to others and just move on.

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We've had other disagreements in the past, such as our stances on Chick-fil-A & whatnot. That's some of the stuff that built up.

Sorry Neoxon was this all over text or are you able to call her and try to apologize about the misunderstanding. It's not like you aren't able to empathize with her point of view. If you're willing to work on trying to change then you might be able to salvage something. Sometimes shock is what requires a person to look at themselves from an outside perspective.

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She was pretty definitive that we were done, & (to my heartbreak) I respect her wishes.

 

[Servbot24]

It is definitely not because of when fall starts.

To be blunt, it sounds like you are a difficult person to be around, to the point that this argument was the straw that broke the camel's back. Take the opportunity to reflect on you come across to others and just move on.

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Yep. No one has ever broken up with someone they thought they had future with because they had a disagreement about the first day of the season. OP you will probably want to do some introspection about whether you have an abrasive personality.

 

[Min]

I respect her wishes.

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That's fair and respectable too. Just take some time to reflect and see where issues arose and how you can communicate or empathize better in the future. It's rough.

 

[Neoxon]

Yep. No one has ever broken up with someone they thought they had future with because they had a disagreement about the first day of the season. OP you will probably want to do some introspection about whether you have an abrasive personality.

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Thinking back to my other interactions with friends & family, I feel like it's a mix of me being unable to tell sarcasm & having strong feelings about certain subjects that can make me a hardass.

Either way, I appreciate the blunt honesty. My hope now is that I take the time to better myself as a person so I don't continue to be the thing I despise.

 

[vodalus]

OP, can you give some more context? What did she say about the seasons?

 

[Royalan]

Keeping in mind that I don't know the details of your relationship and basing it on my own love life being on both sides of the coin here...this really sounds like the kind of thing you break up over if you've already got other concerns on your mind.

 

[weemadarthur]

OP, can you give some more context? What did she say about the seasons?

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She viewed fall as starting when the month of september starts, while OP views it as starting when meteorology* says, on the Equinox.

And OP needs to be right, according to my reading.

*apparently I meant astronometrics.

 

[Trup1aya]

Am I understanding this correctly? she jokingly suggested Fall started Sept 1 (which is true according to the meteorological calendar, which is based on temperature cycles, not Earth's position in orbit), but you tried to correct her based on your understanding of the astrological calendar, belittling her grasp of science in the process.

Both of these notions are rooted in science, so I'm not sure why you even brought that up. But anyway, I doubt this event is what caused your breakup - it was the straw that broke the camel's back.

You two weren't together very long. It's better to learn about your flaws and incompatibilities earlier in the relationship, so take this as a blessing. In the meantime, you'll get a chance to work on yourself and be a better partner in the future.

 

[Neoxon]

OP, can you give some more context? What did she say about the seasons?

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That Fall starts on September 1st when it actually starts on the 23rd. It eventually got heated to an argument of it being a Trump-like logic since, to me, she held steadfast in her logic despite her being a biology major. The entire time I couldn't tell that she was being sarcastic.

What hurts the most is that it took losing her, not my interactions on Era, for me to realize how much of a hardass I can be.

 

[Mauricio_Magus]

If that was what caused the breakup then that person didn't love you the way you loved them, and that's okay, find someone that actually loves you back.

 

[The Last Laugh]

Any chance that she may see you as a difficult control freak type that always has to be right and that it has been an issue in the past but you may have thought she was joking or perhaps she was too vague?

 

[Verelios]

There should've been a lot more baggage if that's what broke the relationship because banal shit like arguing over the first day of september is just dressing for your real problems. It's good that you're willing to reassess your part in this man. Sometimes, you have to take a step back in life and compromise.

 

[Neoxon]

Any chance that she may see you as a difficult control freak type that always has to be right and that it has been an issue in the past but you may have thought she was joking or perhaps she was too vague?

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She now mentioned that I can be stubborn. The only other times I can recall are our discussions about Chick-fil-A (something I've clashed with my own mom & sister over) & the grocery store not giving me the bacon I bought one night.

 

[Zornack]

That Fall starts on September 1st when it actually starts on the 23rd. It eventually got heated to an argument of it being a Trump-like logic since, to me, she held steadfast in her logic despite her being a biology major. The entire time I couldn't tell that she was being sarcastic.

What hurts the most is that it took losing her, not my interactions on Era, for me to realize how much of a hardass I can be.

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Was she being sarcastic or just saying that September felt like Fall, like how December feels like Winter even though most of it isn't?

 

[Neoxon]

Was she being sarcastic or just saying that September felt like Fall, like how December feels like Winter even though most of it isn't?

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She said that Fall starts on September 1st.

 

[Carnby]

On a discussion forum, you don't have to post. And in life, you don't have to argue.

 

[Tamanon]

That's.... a pretty dumb reason to end a relationship. But if it was a possibility, it was meant to be and would have manifested in another way.

Good learning experience.

 

[hobblygobbly]

you do realise that astronomical and meteorological seasons are both valid in different contexts and one isn't more "right" than the other, why even argue about this.

only people that like to argue about inane technicalities do this, and honestly that can really mess up the connection in a relationship when one person doesn't like that and can find it really tiring and also a condescending and stubborn attitude. being pedantic can be really off putting, even outside of a romantic relationship.

 

[Zornack]

She said that Fall starts on September 1st.

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But wheres the sarcasm?

 

[Gakidou]

A fucken thought she died mate!
Weird way to phrase "we broke up" a bit possessive and naive imo.

Your takeaway to remember and try to pay attention to how you come across next time is good. It'll hurt for a while and it's admirable to be open with your feelings. But don't kid yourself into thinking it was a breakup over something "petty", it sounds like there was a longer term incompatibility that she probably just doesn't want to have to explain to someone who's already feeling hurt and wanting to hit the undo button.

It sounds like a common thing I see in guys, once they get into a steady relationship they start sinking into a pattern of berating and mansplaining their partners, and they're just a drag to be around. You can't make someone happy if you don't respect them or make an effort to see their point of view.

 

[Min]

That Fall starts on September 1st when it actually starts on the 23rd. It eventually got heated to an argument of it being a Trump-like logic since, to me, she held steadfast in her logic despite her being a biology major. The entire time I couldn't tell that she was being sarcastic.

What hurts the most is that it took losing her, not my interactions on Era, for me to realize how much of a hardass I can be.

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You already know you're in the wrong, but I just want to point out calling it Trump-like when talking about general seasonal trends isn't cool.

 

[Neoxon]

But wheres the sarcasm?

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That's the thing, it's hard for me to tell sarcasm in general, especially over text.

 

[Butch]

I think she was probably considering ending the relationship before that interaction so you shouldn't feel that bad about it, don't beat yourself up because of that silly thing. You'll get better and this might create the chance for you to meet someone else in the future. If you think you have things to work out about your personality then that's good, take everything positive you can from this.

I also don't get the joke/sarcasm in that dialogue anyway.

 

[The Last Laugh]

She now mentioned that I can be stubborn. The only other times I can recall are our discussions about Chick-fil-A (something I've clashed with my own mom & sister over) & the grocery store not giving me the bacon I bought one night.

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For the record :

Is September 1st the first day of fall?
A: Based on the astronomical definition of seasons, yes, the autumnal equinox does mark the first day of fall (in the Northern Hemisphere). However, according to the meteorological definition of seasons, which is based on temperature cycles and the Gregorian calendar, the first day of fall is September 1.
(From the Almanac about the Autumn equinox on September 23rd)


Might want to take some self reflection time, stay alone for a bit and find your zen and then find someone

 

[Neoxon]

Might want to take some self reflection time, stay alone for a bit and find your zen and then find someone

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That's what I plan to do.

 

[CrankyJay]

I mean, she's sort of right in the sense that things shift and it's sort of the unofficial start of autumn.

Pedantry seldom leads to good things.

 

[nopressure]

When people genuinely argue about something trivial, the argument is never actually about the trivial thing (unless they have serious issues).

It's a shame you didn't realise she was being sarcastic, but it sounds like she was upset about your reaction and communication towards her, not that you missed her sarcasm.

 

[Deleted member 8593]

Sorry it had to end like this but as always, this can serve as a learning experience. It sounds like you have a hard time taking a step back in arguments and evaluating which ones are worth having and which ones aren't. This definitely was a pointless fight and apparently the straw that broke the camel's back.

 

[Neoxon]

When people genuinely argue about something trivial, the argument is never actually about the trivial thing (unless they have serious issues).

It's a shame you didn't realise she was being sarcastic, but it sounds like she was upset about your reaction and communication towards her, not that you missed her sarcasm.

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Correct, & I ended up hurting her in the process (as mentioned in the OP). It's why I mentioned that I realized that I can be a hardass.

 

[Deleted member 426]

She now mentioned that I can be stubborn. The only other times I can recall are our discussions about Chick-fil-A (something I've clashed with my own mom & sister over) & the grocery store not giving me the bacon I bought one night.

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Honestly, it doesn't sound like she broke up with you because you don't get her sarcasm. I also kind of doubt she was really being sarcastic. Sounds like something you just say to save face. Anyway it sounds like the issue is you potentially being argumentative over little things that don't matter. I'm only mentioning it myself because if that is the case, then for your next relationship it's be a good idea to learn to let go of things. If you're going to spend years with someone, that's an important skill to have.

 

[Neoxon]

Honestly, it doesn't sound like she broke up with you because you don't get her sarcasm. I also kind of doubt she was really being sarcastic. Sounds like something you just say to save face. Anyway it sounds like the issue is you potentially being argumentative over little things that don't matter. I'm only mentioning it myself because if that is the case, then for your next relationship it's be a good idea to learn to let go of things. If you're going to spend years with someone, that's an important skill to have.

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It was a mix of both, though more so being argumentative about stuff like what I mentioned. My failing to tell that she was being sarcastic was the first domino for this particular argument.

 

[nopressure]

Correct, & I ended up hurting her in the process (as mentioned in the OP). It's why I mentioned that I realized that I can be a hardass.

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I guess that's a valuable point of growth though - you can't change it's hard to spot sarcasm for you, but you can improve your communication when you see or hear something you disagree with.