My girlfriend of 15 years left me, what should I do next?

zuf · Jan 24, 2023

Yes era, it's one of those threads.

My girlfriend walked out on me after 15 years the other night and obviously it's hit me like a ton of a bricks and I don't know what to do. We had a rather benign argument but it ended up escalating with her admitting she maybe isn't happy in the relationship anymore and needs time to think things through away from me. She's gone back home to live with her parents.

I don't want to diminish her feelings but she came off the contraceptive pill a couple of months ago after like 17 years and to say it's been a whirlwind of emotions is an understatement. Her tastes and interests changed and her sex drive went from non-existent/low to very high and maybe I didn't satisfy her enough. Still, it was a shock after so long of her not being that fussed about that side of things and subsisting on the odd night of passion here and there.

This behaviour is out of character for her anyway, we used to be so strong before this and nothing like this has happened before. We have been together since we were 19/20 and moved into a new flat a couple of years ago. We never got engaged as we both didn't really believe in marriage as an institution. Kids are/were a possibility but not yet.

So, I'm wondering what do I do next? She said needs space to think things through. I told her that I love her and I'd do anything to make it right. Is there anything I can do to show her how much I miss her? Or should I just respect her wishes, make no contact and wait it out?

Golding · Jan 24, 2023

Damn OP. I always hate hearing stories like these. Sorry about this.. but I will say remember that people do change and sometimes it is not the our benefit.

I hate to say it but you just need to sit this one out and wait to see if she want to give this another try. I wouldn't make any contact at all. IMO you can never force a relationship. It just won't work. Her walking out may just be the best thing that can happen to you.

If she is unhappy, nothing that you can do at this point. If she wants to come back and you still want her, let her make this decision.

It's tough, I know but you may want to start doing other things to keep your mind off this or even potentially move on..

Dervius · Jan 24, 2023

I have no idea what to suggest for you to do next, OP. Other than maybe take some time to gather yourself. I would definitely respect her request for space, hard as it will undoubtedly be. If things were to work out it'd have to be because you both want it to, which may take some time on her part to figure that out.

Incredibly sorry that you're going through this.

zuf · Jan 24, 2023

Thanks both. It's just so hard, the not knowing, I'd prefer some certainty but obviously she needs to take stock of things and make a decision. Fortunately, I went back home myself and had a drink with a few mates which made me feel better but now I'm back in the flat and it's awful just the waiting around for something, anything to see where this is going and what might happen.

LTWheels · Jan 24, 2023

I would ask her if you can arrange a time to meet and talk through everything, at a coffee shop or something. I wouldn't wait it out. Mainly because you have no understanding of what went wrong. It sounds like she has been thinking about this for a while, and you had no idea.

It is not fair on you to not having an understanding of what the issues were that has led to her being unhappy. From this conversation you will both be able to establish whether this is something that can be worked on or if the relationship is unfortunately over. In that unfortunate circumstances at least you would have closure. You can also talk about how you have noticed she has changed, and get her views your observations.

After this conversation if she still wants space, then you can give it to her without feeling like you have no idea what is going on.

Sorry you are having to go through this and hopefully with talking you can both work it all out and get the relationship into a position where it can be worked on.

zuf · Jan 24, 2023

LTWheels said:
I would ask her if you can arrange a time to meet and talk through everything, at a coffee shop or something. I wouldn't wait it out. It sounds like she has been thinking about this for a while, and you had no idea.

It is not fair on you to not having an understanding of what the issues were that has led to her being unhappy. From this conversation you will both be able to establish whether this is something that can be worked on or if the relationship is unfortunately over. In that unfortunate circumstances at least you would have closure. You can also talk about how you have noticed she has changed, and get her views your observations.

Sorry you are having to go through this and hopefully with talking you can both work it all out and get the relationship into a position where it can be worked on.

Thanks and yeah, all I want is to talk things through so we can at least get to the to the bottom of things and see if there's anything that can be done. It's been five days now, so I guess it's not been THAT long yet. But I'm wondering how long I have to wait to get some sort of conversation and feedback.

Golding · Jan 24, 2023

zuf said:
Thanks and yeah, all I want is to talk things through so we can at least get to the to the bottom of things and see if there's anything that can be done. It's been five days now, so I guess it's not been THAT long yet. But I'm wondering how long I have to wait to get some sort of conversation and feedback.

Whoa, I honestly thought that she at least mentioned to you a few reasons for her unhappiness by now… but if you have no idea, then yes.. before getting too distraught you should try to see if she will give you an explanation on how/why things went wrong after 15 years. 15 years is a very long time to just give up like that.

Edit:fix missed words

zuf · Jan 24, 2023

Golding said:
Whoa, I honestly thought that she at least mentioned to you a few reasons for her unhappiness by now… but if you have no idea, then yes.. before getting too distraught you should try to see if she will give you an explanation on how/why things went wrong after 15 years. 15 years is a very long time to just give up like that.

Edit:fix missed words

That's what I said. After 15 years, surely it's worth trying to fix things. If she hasn't made contact after a week I might try and get in touch to see if we can talk it out somewhere.

But she also said she "needs some time away from all this" so I don't know whether I should just wait it out or not.

Schreckstoff · Jan 24, 2023

At 35 if you hadn't considered children yet the likelihood went way down for both conception and a healthy pregnancy.

If you ever want to have biological children you need to have that conversation stat

zuf · Jan 24, 2023

Schreckstoff said:
At 35 if you hadn't considered children yet the likelihood went way down for both conception and a healthy pregnancy.

If you ever want to have biological children you need to have that conversation stat

Yes, we should have done that. Maybe it's linked to her coming off the pill which she was mainly taking to make her cycle less severe. Her feelings might have changed now as a result.

Snake Eater · Jan 24, 2023

Hit the gym OP, let's just say when a partner finally comes out and says there have been issues with a relationship. It's been something brewing for a very, very long time.

JohngPR · Jan 24, 2023

Having a conversation with her is definitely important. At least to shed light on what may have caused for there to be an estrangement from each other. I wouldn't try to steer the conversation into trying to get back together.

When it comes to that, I've found that there's only so much you can do other than to listen. Most times I think the person knows one way or the other even if they don't want to say it. Realistically, I wouldn't want to convince someone to come back. I don't think that's setting either of you up for long term success.

My advice to you is to also think about your own needs, which can be hard. Explore the things within you that she may point out she had issues with and have an honest conversation with yourself to see if they are true. Know your value, and take this as an opportunity to work on yourself (mentally, physically, what ever you think will help). Exercise does wonders to your stress and anxiety levels.

Stay strong!

Netherscourge · Jan 24, 2023

Why did she stop the contraceptive?

zuf · Jan 24, 2023

JohngPR said:
Having a conversation with her is definitely important. At least to shed light on what may have caused for there to be an estrangement from each other. I wouldn't try to steer the conversation into trying to get back together.

When it comes to that, I've found that there's only so much you can do other than to listen. Most times I think the person knows one way or the other even if they don't want to say it. Realistically, I wouldn't want to convince someone to come back. I don't think that's setting either of you up for long term success.

My advice to you is to also think about your own needs, which can be hard. Explore the things within you that she may point out she had issues with and have an honest conversation with yourself to see if they are true. Know your value, and take this as an opportunity to work on yourself (mentally, physically, what ever you think will help). Exercise does wonders to your stress and anxiety levels.

Stay strong!

Thanks for the kind words friend. I could definitely have done more in certain aspects of the relationship. I got stuck in a rut with my career too. I'm a freelance writer but the pay fluctuates and I have been exploring other new, more potentially stable jobs. I should brush up on my CV for the time bing.

Snake Eater said:
Hit the gym OP, let's just say when a partner finally comes out and says there have been issues with a relationship. It's been something brewing for a very, very long time.

Gym sounds like a great idea. She did say have you ever considered bulking up the other month lmao. I'm lean but not muscle bound.

Netherscourge said:
Why did she stop the contraceptive?

TikTok videos, would you believe, saying how harmful the pill can be. She used to suffer from anxiety a lot and felt better after coming off the pill. There's been so many little changes, I assume her body and hormones are adjusting but I don't know if it's linked to what's transpired in walking away from the relationship.

Disco Infernal · Jan 24, 2023

Yeah this didn't just happen. It's been brewing for awhile and that benign argument was the excuse she finally needed to act on it. Give her the space she needs to decide what's best. Pressuring someone is rarely the answer.

FrakEarth · Jan 24, 2023

The pills and implants CAN cause an uptick in emotions, but nobody here is a mind-reader so we can't know how much of the background of this is real unhappiness or not...

My only advice is this:

zuf said:
I told her that I love her and I'd do anything to make it right. Is there anything I can do to show her how much I miss her? Or should I just respect her wishes, make no contact and wait it out?

You've told her how you feel.. you don't need to do anything to "show her how much you miss her". In fact, I've seen stuff like that go sideways in other peoples' lives so much that I just wanna say this:

She's gone to her parents to figure things out away from you. You have to respect that. Some people will say no contact whatsoever, but I do think that's extreme after 15 years together. You don't need gestures. You don't need to perform. You don't need to act out of the ordinary. Just be calm and genuine and treat her like a normal person that you happen to love. Don't just break off contact, because that might tell her you don't care at all and lead to one or both of you ghosting the other and never speaking again. Which after 15 years of the closest friendship people can have - is silly. Just message and say y'know - I still love you, but if you need space - I don't wanna be calling you or in your messages and making this worse. We've been together so long, maybe we didn't talk enough about how we really felt, and I'm sorry - but I want you to know we can talk anytime, you know where I am - I just want you to be ok, I want you to be happy etc.

If it's normal for you to check-in and see if she's ok, especially on the big occasions, you can - but be real with yourself (important: ‼) - if she's not reciprocating communication from here on in. Don't smother her or make her feel like you're pestering, because if this isn't permanent yet - that might just make it so.

You don't need big sermons or paragraphs that might only make a difficult decision even more stressful for her. If you talk or message - do it once, keep it simple, from the heart, leave it at that and see what happens.

If there is no response whatsoever, it can be hard, but it does happen. We can't help how other people feel. And you mustn't let it define you or let negative thoughts and self-blame creep in (like that thing about sex drive or whatever - stop it dude). It's ok to ask yourself what could have been better, what you might have done differently, but if things don't improve and it really is over -- it takes two, ok? It's not just you.

The worst thing you can do is let something like this debilitate you and make you unhappy, or to make you panicked, desperate and say or do unwelcome things that you wouldn't otherwise do.

You don't need anybody. We tell ourselves we do, and tell others we do - because that's nice to hear, but we don't. Don't get it twisted - we are loving and social creatures - we can feel so much happier when we feel loved -- but if we are absolutely forced to, we can function, grow stronger, get better, be happy - all without any kind of coupling in our life. You've done it for 20 odd years before this relationship ok? The time you have apart now, is yours. You can choose to wallow or you can fill that time with friends, with a hobby, with learning, with exercise, whatever. I would say, don't fill it with moping or hyper-focusing on one person you can't control. Google the "Circle of control". Think about what's out of your control and what you really can do, and accept it.

For anyone that isn't looking for drama - if you can find a way to stay calm, responsive, functional and eventually - happy - whatever happens, you'll look back on this and feel better than you do right now.

Messofanego · Jan 24, 2023

zuf said:
Yes era, it's one of those threads.

My girlfriend walked out on me after 15 years the other night and obviously it's hit me like a ton of a bricks and I don't know what to do. We had a rather benign argument but it ended up escalating with her admitting she maybe isn't happy in the relationship anymore and needs time to think things through away from me. She's gone back home to live with her parents.

I don't want to diminish her feelings but she came off the contraceptive pill a couple of months ago after like 17 years and to say it's been a whirlwind of emotions is an understatement. Her tastes and interests changed and her sex drive went from non-existent/low to very high and maybe I didn't satisfy her enough. Still, it was a shock after so long of her not being that fussed about that side of things and subsisting on the odd night of passion here and there.

This behaviour is out of character for her anyway, we used to be so strong before this and nothing like this has happened before. We have been together since we were 19/20 and moved into a new flat a couple of years ago. We never got engaged as we both didn't really believe in marriage as an institution. Kids are/were a possibility but not yet.

So, I'm wondering what do I do next? She said needs space to think things through. I told her that I love her and I'd do anything to make it right. Is there anything I can do to show her how much I miss her? Or should I just respect her wishes, make no contact and wait it out?

Can you elaborate on her tastes, interests, and sex drive changing? Did you ever have a conversation about your sexual drives or needs? "Subsisting" means what, that you both were previously happy about the frequency of "nights of passion" or are there assumptions here?

Fularu · Jan 24, 2023

I would just say that you have to move on and I would absolutely avoid having any kind of conversation about what « happened » or her reasons. It's unhealthy and won't do any good. It's just going to create more emotional harm and a hightened sense of guilt on your end anyway because it will undoubtedly be framed as you beeing the issue (and not out of malice, that's how humans work, we tend to shed the best light on ourselves).

Just tell her you've packed her things and that she can come pick them up and leave her keys when she does so (if she still has personal effects/the keys).

Netherscourge · Jan 24, 2023

I mean.. if she's letting TikTok videos influence her healthcare choices...

DrROBschiz · Jan 24, 2023

Man... 15 years is a long time

You pretty much need to try to find yourself again. Work on you. I know its cliche but after having everything in your life be tied to that relationship for so long you might as well embrace it and try to do something new.

As far as healing goes I have always leaned on the comfort and support of close friends. I hope you at least have some old contacts you can reach out to and even better if you have a crew you can go our with or hang with causally. Good friends and good times always reinvigorate me and snap me back to my best self.

BarryFishFinger · Jan 24, 2023

FrakEarth said:
The pills and implants CAN cause an uptick in emotions, but nobody here is a mind-reader so we can't know how much of the background of this is real unhappiness or not...

My only advice is this:

You've told her how you feel.. you don't need to do anything to "show her how much you miss her". In fact, I've seen stuff like that go sideways in other peoples' lives so much that I just wanna say this:

She's gone to her parents to figure things out away from you. You have to respect that. Some people will say no contact whatsoever, but I do think that's extreme after 15 years together. You don't need gestures. You don't need to perform. You don't need to act out of the ordinary. Just be calm and genuine and treat her like a normal person that you happen to love. Don't just break off contact, because that might tell her you don't care at all and lead to one or both of you ghosting the other and never speaking again. Which after 15 years of the closest friendship people can have - is silly. Just message and say y'know - I still love you, but if you need space - I don't wanna be calling you or in your messages and making this worse. We've been together so long, maybe we didn't talk enough about how we really felt, and I'm sorry - but I want you to know we can talk anytime, you know where I am - I just want you to be ok, I want you to be happy etc.

If it's normal for you to check-in and see if she's ok, especially on the big occasions, you can - but be real with yourself (important: ‼) - if she's not reciprocating communication from here on in. Don't smother her or make her feel like you're pestering, because if this isn't permanent yet - that might just make it so.

You don't need big sermons or paragraphs that might only make a difficult decision even more stressful for her. If you talk or message - do it once, keep it simple, from the heart, leave it at that and see what happens.

If there is no response whatsoever, it can be hard, but it does happen. We can't help how other people feel. And you mustn't let it define you or let negative thoughts and self-blame creep in (like that thing about sex drive or whatever - stop it dude). It's ok to ask yourself what could have been better, what you might have done differently, but if things don't improve and it really is over -- it takes two, ok? It's not just you.

The worst thing you can do is let something like this debilitate you and make you unhappy, or to make you panicked, desperate and say or do unwelcome things that you wouldn't otherwise do.

You don't need anybody. We tell ourselves we do, and tell others we do - because that's nice to hear, but we don't. Don't get it twisted - we are loving and social creatures - we can feel so much happier when we feel loved -- but if we are absolutely forced to, we can function, grow stronger, get better, be happy - all without any kind of coupling in our life. You've done it for 20 odd years before this relationship ok? The time you have apart now, is yours. You can choose to wallow or you can fill that time with friends, with a hobby, with learning, with exercise, whatever. I would say, don't fill it with moping or hyper-focusing on one person you can't control. Google the "Circle of control". Think about what's out of your control and what you really can do, and accept it.

For anyone that isn't looking for drama - if you can find a way to stay calm, responsive, functional and eventually - happy - whatever happens, you'll look back on this and feel better than you do right now.

Great post. This is 100% the right advice OP.

zuf · Jan 24, 2023

Disco Infernal said:
Yeah this didn't just happen. It's been brewing for awhile and that benign argument was the excuse she finally needed to act on it. Give her the space she needs to decide what's best. Pressuring someone is rarely the answer.

Yeah, she did say she'd been feeling different for a few months which was hard to hear. I guess I'll just have to wait and see and mind my business for the time being.

FrakEarth said:
The pills and implants CAN cause an uptick in emotions, but nobody here is a mind-reader so we can't know how much of the background of this is real unhappiness or not...

My only advice is this:

You've told her how you feel.. you don't need to do anything to "show her how much you miss her". In fact, I've seen stuff like that go sideways in other peoples' lives so much that I just wanna say this:

She's gone to her parents to figure things out away from you. You have to respect that. Some people will say no contact whatsoever, but I do think that's extreme after 15 years together. You don't need gestures. You don't need to perform. You don't need to act out of the ordinary. Just be calm and genuine and treat her like a normal person that you happen to love. Don't just break off contact, because that might tell her you don't care at all and lead to one or both of you ghosting the other and never speaking again. Which after 15 years of the closest friendship people can have - is silly. Just message and say y'know - I still love you, but if you need space - I don't wanna be calling you or in your messages and making this worse. We've been together so long, maybe we didn't talk enough about how we really felt, and I'm sorry - but I want you to know we can talk anytime, you know where I am - I just want you to be ok, I want you to be happy etc.

If it's normal for you to check-in and see if she's ok, especially on the big occasions, you can - but be real with yourself (important: ‼) - if she's not reciprocating communication from here on in. Don't smother her or make her feel like you're pestering, because if this isn't permanent yet - that might just make it so.

You don't need big sermons or paragraphs that might only make a difficult decision even more stressful for her. If you talk or message - do it once, keep it simple, from the heart, leave it at that and see what happens.

If there is no response whatsoever, it can be hard, but it does happen. We can't help how other people feel. And you mustn't let it define you or let negative thoughts and self-blame creep in (like that thing about sex drive or whatever - stop it dude). It's ok to ask yourself what could have been better, what you might have done differently, but if things don't improve and it really is over -- it takes two, ok? It's not just you.

The worst thing you can do is let something like this debilitate you and make you unhappy, or to make you panicked, desperate and say or do unwelcome things that you wouldn't otherwise do.

You don't need anybody. We tell ourselves we do, and tell others we do - because that's nice to hear, but we don't. Don't get it twisted - we are loving and social creatures - we can feel so much happier when we feel loved -- but if we are absolutely forced to, we can function, grow stronger, get better, be happy - all without any kind of coupling in our life. You've done it for 20 odd years before this relationship ok? The time you have apart now, is yours. You can choose to wallow or you can fill that time with friends, with a hobby, with learning, with exercise, whatever. I would say, don't fill it with moping or hyper-focusing on one person you can't control. Google the "Circle of control". Think about what's out of your control and what you really can do, and accept it.

For anyone that isn't looking for drama - if you can find a way to stay calm, responsive, functional and eventually - happy - whatever happens, you'll look back on this and feel better than you do right now.

Fantastic advice, thank you! I think I'd feel better if I could stop worrying and get a good night's sleep.

Messofanego said:
Can you elaborate on her tastes, interests, and sex drive changing? Did you ever have a conversation about your sexual drives or needs? "Subsisting" means what, that you both were previously happy about the frequency of "nights of passion" or are there assumptions here?

Just little things like she used to love listening to podcasts but after coming off the pill, couldn't listen to them at all and began listening to music. Same for playing games, which she did every day but then stopped completely. Tastes in food, daily activities etc. Just lots of things shifted.

On the sex drive, no we didn't talk about it, I just sort of put up with it because I loved her and didn't want to make her feel bad or pressure her into it. I should have had that conversation for sure.

Netherscourge said:
I mean.. if she's letting TikTok videos influence her healthcare choices...

Yeah, she's quite addicted to TikTok, but that was a strange outlet to act on for such a major decision. I wish I'd have read up on it more and what it all meant because honestly, I was quite clueless to what was potentially happening.

DrROBschiz said:
Man... 15 years is a long time

You pretty much need to try to find yourself again. Work on you. I know its cliche but after having everything in your life be tied to that relationship for so long you might as well embrace it and try to do something new.

As far as healing goes I have always leaned on the comfort and support of close friends. I hope you at least have some old contacts you can reach out to and even better if you have a crew you can go our with or hang with causally. Good friends and good times always reinvigorate me and snap me back to my best self.

Thanks. I've been back home where my friends and family mostly are but I don't have as much support to lean on here. I moved to her home city and we got a flat here which kinda sucks from that point of view.

Trey · Jan 24, 2023

While she's reevaluating her life with this space she's taking, you do the same. And that includes asking yourself some tough questions.

SABO. · Jan 24, 2023

Sounds like its over, OP.

Have you asked yourself why you want her back? It kinda sounds like you were comfortable with the way things were rather than actually loving this person.

Apologies if thats not the case, just going by this thread.

zuf · Jan 24, 2023

Trey said:
While she's reevaluating her life with this space she's taking, you do the same. And that includes asking yourself some tough questions.

Yes, I need to make some positive changes, that's for sure.

SABO. said:
Sounds like its over, OP.

Have you asked yourself why you want her back? It kinda sounds like you were comfortable with the way things were rather than actually loving this person.

Apologies if thats not the case, just going by this thread.

I know what you mean, we were both in a rut maybe, but I feel we can work on things and make it work. I must love her because I feel it in my stomach and chest every day. I don't know if those feelings are mixed up in something else but I still want her back.

Snake Eater · Jan 24, 2023

Her having a high sex drive, and you not pleasuring her, that's almost the cliché reason for a relationship coming to an end.

We are all human, if we are horny and we don't get it from our partner we will get it from somewhere

zuf · Jan 24, 2023

Snake Eater said:
Her having a high sex drive, and you not pleasuring her, that's almost the cliché reason for a relationship coming to an end.

We are all human, if we are horny and we don't get it from our partner we will get it from somewhere

I know, I should have done more but I had my own insecurities after so long. She didn't give me much chance to get my head around it that's for sure lol. She's never been that horny, that's why it was a surprise.

Vincent Grayson · Jan 24, 2023

So, this is kind of out of left field, but I heard recently that some studies on birth control found that going on/off of birth control fucked with people's sex drives to the point of basically flipping their previous chemistry (i.e., suddenly very interested, or very uninterested) with their partner. Maybe that has thrown her off?

zuf · Jan 24, 2023

Vincent Grayson said:
So, this is kind of out of left field, but I heard recently that some studies on birth control found that going on/off of birth control fucked with people's sex drives to the point of basically flipping their previous chemistry (i.e., suddenly very interested, or very uninterested) with their partner. Maybe that has thrown her off?

It definitely has. I've been reading online that it can take 6-8 months for people to feel "normal" again. That's why it's a curveball in terms of what to do. I'd like to support her through it. If this has had happened without such a big change in her life then I'd be more certain that it was over.

kickz · Jan 24, 2023

I would echo no contact and hit the gym to blow steam. I am sorry OP, wish you the best.

Deleted member 9241 · Jan 24, 2023

Snake Eater said:
We are all human, if we are horny and we don't get it from our partner we will get it from somewhere

This reminds me of an old phrase: "If you send your partner out into the world hungry and horny, they will return full and fucked"

cursed knowledge · Jan 24, 2023

i know it became a meme but hit the gym is legit the best advice anonymous people online can give to you

so hit the gym

Raide · Jan 24, 2023

cursed knowledge said:
i know it became a meme but hit the gym is legit the best advice anonymous people online can give to you

so hit the gym

This. Hit the gym, better yourself and get your mental state in a better place.

There is a high chance this relationship is done and any of the "need time and space" is the nail in the coffin. After this length of time, this has been brewing for years and years. There is possibly a decade or more resentment building and building and it's suddenly popped. Take that time and focus on yourself while she does the same.

zuf · Jan 24, 2023

I do need to get some exercise, hopefully it'll make me feel less worried and anxious.

Another thing, is that most of her stuff is still here, she didn't take much with her so I have no idea what that means.

Raide · Jan 24, 2023

zuf said:
I do need to get some exercise, hopefully it'll make me feel less worried and anxious.

Another thing, is that most of her stuff is still here, she didn't take much with her so I have no idea what that means.

It means she is calculating what she does next. If she cannot afford a new place, she will probably be very quiet and work out her next direction. Do not be surprised if you come back one day and it's all gone.

Bengraven · Jan 24, 2023

I have seen similar experiences with both contraceptives and anxiety meds but I'm not going to say it's just those because a) I don't want to armchair analyze and 2) these situations had enough different factors that it would be impossible to know. I'm not even going to share those stories because they are negative and again may not be indicative of this sorry. Suffice to say they usually involve the need to want something different emotionally and physically as people grow up and grow away from each other.

But I will say that FrakEarth 's advice is absolutely solid, especially the hardest advice to follow: give her space and do not be performative.

Do not smother her: do not flood her with texts or show up at her parents house. When you do talk prioritize listening to her and only ask what you can do once she's done. Don't take this as saying you shouldn't share how you feel because that's unfair to you and unproductive but don't be overly demanding on what you need to do to fix this.

zuf · Jan 24, 2023

Raide said:
It means she is calculating what she does next. If she cannot afford a new place, she will probably be very quiet and work out her next direction. Do not be surprised if you come back one day and it's all gone.

Fuck, that would hurt. After 15 years I think I deserve some sort of closure but who knows.

Royalan · Jan 24, 2023

Something that I've noticed in the last dozen relationship threads…what's with all the calls to "hit the gym" when the OP never comments on their fitness? Like, what if they're already hitting the gym? I dunno, not a big deal…just something that always jumps out at me.

OP…it's really hard to speak on your situation, because the post is very vague. But I will say this: 15 years is a long time. A very long time. Not saying it doesn't happen, but I would say it's rare that relationships with that much time invested end suddenly or over nothing. This isn't to imply anything on your end, but if I were you this would be the catalyst for a lot of introspection. Do I really not know what this is about? Is this behavior really just about the sex? How do I feel about all of this? You're not really centering yourself at all, OP, and you have a right to. Healthy relationships take all parties involved into account.

If I were you, I would respect your partner's wishes for now, and really take some time to yourself to think over your relationship. And that's not to put the burden of the state of your relationship on you! At all! But one thing I did glean from your posts is a lack of considering yourself.

SABO. · Jan 24, 2023

zuf said:
It definitely has. I've been reading online that it can take 6-8 months for people to feel "normal" again. That's why it's a curveball in terms of what to do. I'd like to support her through it. If this has had happened without such a big change in her life then I'd be more certain that it was over.

I would recommend that you don't push this angle onto her. It could feel like gaslighting from her perspective.

You could look at couples therapy, lay it all out, and have a professional help her come to those answers.

Bengraven · Jan 24, 2023

Royalan said:
Something that I've noticed in the last dozen relationship threads…what's with all the calls to "hit the gym" when the OP never comments on their fitness? Like, what if they're already hitting the gym? I dunno, not a big deal…just something that always jumps out at me.

OP…it's really hard to speak on your situation, because the post is very vague. But I will say this: 15 years is a long time. A very long time. Not saying it doesn't happen, but I would say it's rare that relationships with that much time invested end suddenly or over nothing. This isn't to imply anything on your end, but if I were you this would be the catalyst for a lot of introspection. Do I really not know what this is about? Is this behavior really just about the sex? How do I feel about all of this? You're not really centering yourself at all, OP, and you have a right to. Healthy relationships take all parties involved into account.

If I were you, I would respect your partner's wishes for now, and really take some time to yourself to think over your relationship. And that's not to put the burden of the state of your relationship on you! At all! But one thing I did glean from your posts is a lack of considering yourself.

Right - I get that working out or exercising can help with emotions but there are other things to suggest such as eating right, spending time with friends or close family, take a trip if you can, etc. I do hope it's not just "get swole make her regret it".

Raide · Jan 24, 2023

Royalan said:
Something that I've noticed in the last dozen relationship threads…what's with all the calls to "hit the gym" when the OP never comments on their fitness? Like, what if they're already hitting the gym? I dunno, not a big deal…just something that always jumps out at me.

The solid reasoning behind this is that working on yourself, improving your health, keeping yourself busy and improving your mental wellbeing, it exactly what people need. It not just a "get fit" thing thrown about. It's way more.

zuf said:
Fuck, that would hurt. After 15 years I think I deserve some sort of closure but who knows.

Yes, it hurts. Just be prepared for not getting a closure. Any emotional or relationship equity you think you have put in, is not really something they think about.

zuf · Jan 24, 2023

Bengraven said:
I have seen similar experiences with both contraceptives and anxiety meds but I'm not going to say it's just those because a) I don't want to armchair analyze and 2) these situations had enough different factors that it would be impossible to know. I'm not even going to share those stories because they are negative and again may not be indicative of this sorry. Suffice to say they usually involve the need to want something different emotionally and physically as people grow up and grow away from each other.

But I will say that FrakEarth 's advice is absolutely solid, especially the hardest advice to follow: give her space and do not be performative.

Do not smother her: do not flood her with texts or show up at her parents house. When you do talk prioritize listening to her and only ask what you can do once she's done. Don't take this as saying you shouldn't share how you feel because that's unfair to you and unproductive but don't be overly demanding on what you need to do to fix this.

Yes it's hard not getting in touch, but maybe I'll drop the odd text saying I'm thinking about her and that's it. I'm sure we'll have to have a conversation at some point. We've got a flat to sell if it's over.

Royalan said:
Something that I've noticed in the last dozen relationship threads…what's with all the calls to "hit the gym" when the OP never comments on their fitness? Like, what if they're already hitting the gym? I dunno, not a big deal…just something that always jumps out at me.

OP…it's really hard to speak on your situation, because the post is very vague. But I will say this: 15 years is a long time. A very long time. Not saying it doesn't happen, but I would say it's rare that relationships with that much time invested end suddenly or over nothing. This isn't to imply anything on your end, but if I were you this would be the catalyst for a lot of introspection. Do I really not know what this is about? Is this behavior really just about the sex? How do I feel about all of this? You're not really centering yourself at all, OP, and you have a right to. Healthy relationships take all parties involved into account.

If I were you, I would respect your partner's wishes for now, and really take some time to yourself to think over your relationship. And that's not to put the burden of the state of your relationship on you! At all! But one thing I did glean from your posts is a lack of considering yourself.

Thanks. The burden of the flat may have been something that I could have helped with more for sure, maybe it's tied to that too. I cooked her a meal and cleaned the bathroom on the day she left so it's not like I didn't do anything, but maybe I was lazy in certain aspects. I'm definitely at fault in some areas for sure, no doubt about that. Maybe I took the relationship for granted as I thought we'd always be together. Definitely something to think about.

Royalan · Jan 24, 2023

Raide said:
The solid reasoning behind this is that working on yourself, improving your health, keeping yourself busy and improving your mental wellbeing, it exactly what people need. It not just a "get fit" thing thrown about. It's way more.

I get all that. But sometimes it comes off like speaking past the person you're attempting to engage with.

Like, y'all realize that people who regularly hit the gym can also have relationship problems, right?

Raide · Jan 24, 2023

Royalan said:
I get all that. But sometimes it comes off like speaking past the person you're attempting to engage with.

Like, y'all realize that people who regularly hit the gym can also have relationship problems, right?

It tends to be used first for a simple reason. Get offline where talking, stressing, overthinking your current situation and get out there and workout/get fresh air etc.

OPs concerns have been brewing for a long time. The suggestion is to get out of an environment that is causing you stress and focus on yourself.

Sure, people who go to the gym can have relationship issues but the simple act of working on yourself, improving your mental state and confidence, among other things, helps to ward against many relationship issues. There is a deeper psychology reason for the gym work and relationship dynamics.

BUNTING1243 · Jan 24, 2023

Now is a good time for you to think about whether or not you want to fight for this relationship. Fifteen years is a long time, especially when you got together so young. Ask yourself if you are still really happy and want to continue this relationship, like really interrogate it.

It may not ultimately change things, but this period of noncommunication is at the very least an opportunity for YOU to access how you are feeling.

Rampage · Jan 24, 2023

Because she is coming off the pill, I would give her the benefit of time for her to adjust to her new brain chemistry.

Come of the pill can be like come off any med for regulating the brain. It messes with her emotions and thought patterns. She honestly may be confused, sad, and angry she has changed so much off the pill mentally.

I to say hit he gym, but also reach out to let her know you will wait till she us ready (and able) to talk.

Her leaving everything is a sign she herself is not sure what to do.

Look up the side effect of her birth control on and during withdrawal.

Odesu · Jan 24, 2023

zuf said:
It definitely has. I've been reading online that it can take 6-8 months for people to feel "normal" again. That's why it's a curveball in terms of what to do. I'd like to support her through it. If this has had happened without such a big change in her life then I'd be more certain that it was over.

It's not that people on the pill is what they are when they are "normal", it's that the pill is a pretty insane chemical cocktail fucking with people's sex drives and other parts of their body from the early teenage days on, which has just been normalized because society decided that it's on the woman to worry about childbirth.

She will possibly change in a few substantial ways, but not because she is thrown off or hysterical or whatever else, but because, possibly for the first time in her adult life, her emotions and phyiscal needs aren't being controlled and/or surpressed by meds.

klastical · Jan 24, 2023

To be honest OP it sounds like she hasn't been happy for awhile and maybe coming off the BC caused her to realize this and it's taken her by surprise as much as it has her.

Also worth noting that it's not unusual for women to try to have sex with there partner more if they are lacking intimacy in other areas of the relationship or if they think it's dying and are trying to keep it together.

zuf · Jan 24, 2023

BUNTING1243 said:
Now is a good time for you to think about whether or not you want to fight for this relationship. Fifteen years is a long time, especially when you got together so young. Ask yourself if you are still really happy and want to continue this relationship, like really interrogate it.

It may not ultimately change things, but this period of noncommunication is at the very least an opportunity for YOU to access how you are feeling.

Yes it's pretty crazy when you see someone every day for 15 years and then that's it. I guess I should think harder about the state of the relationship and what I want as well. Thanks.

Rampage said:
Because she is coming off the pill, I would give her the benefit of time for her to adjust to her new brain chemistry.

Come of the pill can be like come off any med for regulating the brain. It messes with her emotions and thought patterns. She honestly may be confused, sad, and angry she has changed so much off the pill mentally.

I to say hit he gym, but also reach out to let her know you will wait till she us ready (and able) to talk.

Her leaving everything is a sign she herself is not sure what to do.

Look up the side effect of her birth control on and during withdrawal.

Thanks. I started looking it up the other night and what I read chimed with my own experiences during the last two months. I don't know what to make of it all tbh, it's so confusing, and I don't know if it had an impact on what's happened.

SilentRob said:
It's not that people on the pill is what they are when they are "normal", it's that the pill is a pretty insane chemical cocktail fucking with people's sex drives and other parts of their body from the early teenage days on, which has just been normalized because society decided that it's on the woman to worry about childbirth.

Yeah, I'd have been happy using condoms but she mainly went on the pill to ease the side effects of her period as they were pretty bad. She went on the pill before I met her so she was very young when she started taking it.

GuitarGuruu · Jan 24, 2023

I'm sorry man, I really feel for you because you obviously love her. My advice is just to let things play out for a bit and give her some space, don't immediately jump to talk about things just let it be and distract yourself for a while.

If things are meant to be she will be back.

My girlfriend of 15 years left me, what should I do next?

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