I wrote quite a lot to discuss with you, but I've deleted it and shortened my thoughts because honestly, I only have so many hours a day, and we're not going to agree. So sorry if I come off as blunt, I have read everything you wrote and in this thread, despite you assuming I haven't. Suffice to say, I think we agree on most points when it comes to the perverse incentives of the current education system.
I disagree that the parent should be off the hook when it comes to education, even if government should shoulder some of the burdern. In your mind, what are parents liable for then?
I disagree that just because the system is broken and not tailored to every individual's needs, that this means homework should be abolished. That's letting perfection be the enemy of good. Improve education, improve and streamline homework. Homework should be viewed as independent practice, perhaps without a grade attached. It should be a tool used to identify struggling students who may fare well in a classroom and whose lower test scores could be explained away with nerves instead of lack of mastery. It should not be used as a tool to fail students.
Your anecdote is another example of how the system in general has failed, and not homework specifically. Again, I don't see how plucking homework out of that equation would have helped outside of your friend being less stressed (but still failing). But improving homework and the feedback it provides may have helped. I just see a lot of saddling all the failures of the system onto homework, when bad homework is only a symptom.
But ok, let me eat my own dog food here. Maybe wishing for better homework is also asking for too much. So given that absolutely nothing else changes, would I abolish homework? I'd say just make it optional supplementary work then. Let the students that can handle it use it as a practice tool and all these anxious kids who can't can just move on as a stopgap.