So is anyone else as terrible at dating as I am?

[Exellus]

Or am I uniquely and utterly cursed?

Over the past 12 years of online dating or so I've roughly:

- Messaged over 3000 women
- Went on over 100 first dates
- Went on over 20 second dates
- Slept with 7 different women
- Had 3 girlfriends

But through all this, NONE of these relationships lasted more than a few months. The longest lasting 3 months.

I am at the end of my wits. I use multiple different dating sites and at this point, I recognize nearly every face on there that I see and I've already messaged and been rejected by everyone that is left. I'm actually running out of people to interact with.

I try to message people that are 90% percent matched to me, or in the "Will Respond" section of sites, and they have the same interests as me. I hand-craft my opening messages for each person (at least a bit) so they know I read their profile.

I've gotten kisses on the first date, I've taken girls home on the first date. And despite all this, and despite everything I try to do, I can't find anything lasting.

This feels like a worse stigma than when I was trying to lose my virginity. I've never been in a long-term relationship and I don't know if I ever will be and I'm running out of ways to make it happen.

I own my own house here, and I am in a career job, but I've considered dropping everything and moving across the country PURELY for the new dating opportunities. This shit is that bad.

 

[Dook's Revenge]

Go outside and put that effort into meeting people IRL.

 

[Officer Big Mac]

Maybe you should give men a try. It's worked for dozens of us.

 

[entremet]

Have you tried meet ups, speed dating, or rec sports? Change your strategy.

Online only strategy is not the best.

 

[Dinjooh]

You have mentioned a lot of your positive sides as reasons why one would date you, but it would probably prove more helpful if you tried to determine what it is that is going wrong, and why these thousands of women don't seem interested in a long term involvement with you.

 

[Lulu]

On ERA? Probably.

 

[shnurgleton]

You never fail if you don't try

 

[Kain-Nosgoth]

only had 2 girlfriend, only slept with one of them... once, and the total of time i've ibeen n a relationship is two month

i'm 30 now, so yeah... Im terrible at this, i'm just a boring guy, or i just never had the luck to find someone with the same interests as me, but now i don't try anymore, i don't care and i'm happier this way (sure if i find somebody that i'm interested in, i'll try something, but i don't go out of my way to find someone now)

 

[gutter_trash]

I suck at dating but that's because I'm an introverted mind who has trouble adapting to an extroverted society.

I know my limitations. I know I should improve myself but eh sometimes I go fuck it

 

[ascii42]

Ive been on one first date, had no girlfriends, nor have I slept with any women.

I've probably only messaged a couple dozen, and asked out 5 women in my life, though. I just don't meet people I think would be willing to date me.

 

[Amory]

Online dating is a numbers game. I've been where you are and felt the same way, but it only takes one person to click with.

Maybe take a break for a while and then try again, or try to meet people out somewhere

 

[Replicant]

Or am I uniquely and utterly cursed?

Over the past 12 years of online dating or so I've roughly:

- Messaged over 3000 women
- Went on over 100 first dates
- Went on over 20 second dates
- Slept with 7 different women
- Had 3 girlfriends

But through all this, NONE of these relationships lasted more than a few months. The longest lasting 3 months.

I am at the end of my wits. I use multiple different dating sites and at this point, I recognize nearly every face on there that I see and I've already messaged and been rejected by everyone that is left. I'm actually running out of people to interact with.

I try to message people that are 90% percent matched to me, or in the "Will Respond" section of sites, and they have the same interests as me. I hand-craft my opening messages for each person (at least a bit) so they know I read their profile.

I've gotten kisses on the first date, I've taken girls home on the first date. And despite all this, and despite everything I try to do, I can't find anything lasting.

This feels like a worse stigma than when I was trying to lose my virginity. I've never been in a long-term relationship and I don't know if I ever will be and I'm running out of ways to make it happen.

I own my own house here, and I am in a career job, but I've considered dropping everything and moving across the country PURELY for the new dating opportunities. This shit is that bad.

Click to shrink...

I'm pretty close to you. Swap out 7 women for about 13, but same results. Also only the past 9 years.

 

[hombremalo]

3000? Crazy

 

[Proteus]

Forget about the amount of women you have messaged. That is a stat you shouldn't be comparing to anything. You're going to get ghosted more times than not. Brush it off and keep going. Shake it up a little and try something different.

 

[ZeroX]

Boy, those numbers aren't great, but the fact that you're even keeping stats probably isn't a good sign.

 

[Exellus]

You have mentioned a lot of your positive sides as reasons why one would date you, but it would probably prove more helpful if you tried to determine what it is that is going wrong, and why these thousands of women don't seem interested in a long term involvement with you.

Click to shrink...

Something I've heard more than once is that "I just didn't feel a spark." That or after a good (or so I think) first date, tons of talking etc. I just never hear back from them. I've heard another say that she still has feelings for an Ex, but she never told him. The most random shit.

I've had people's fathers have heart attacks right before a date. Or their uncles or any close relative. This has happened more than once. Like, terrible things happening to people just before meeting me.

I've had things start off super hot and then people get too "busy", like 7 days a week can't find free time busy. This happens a lot too.

At this point it's making me really self conscious about ever little thing about myself.

Am I too short? Too heavy? I'm 5'5" and 160. I'm 32. My hair is starting to thin, is that it? Am I too boring? Am I too forward? Am I not forward enough? Should I try to hold hands on the first date? Should I go dutch or pay for her meal? What even is a good first date spot?

I feel like a statistician just throwing random experiments out there and playing the numbers game to see what sticks at this point. But the problem is, the well is running dry, no one seems interested anymore. Even the 30 year olds group, who want long-term, etc.

Fuck man.

 

[Rbrogue]

I'm currently sharing this struggle. Haven't been trying for very long but it feels kind of hopeless with dating apps. I'm just trying to go to more IRL events to meet people.

 

[Green Yoshi]

Ive been on one first date, had no girlfriends, nor have I slept with any women.

Click to shrink...

Same here. Except I had a few more dates. Something between 5 and 10.

I hope I can move to a new city soon. Only pensioners and families live here.

 

[Modest_Modsoul]

EDIT.

 

[Officer Big Mac]

Use save-scumming.

If it fails, reload your save.

Click to shrink...

What?

 

[Modest_Modsoul]

What?

Click to shrink...

I thought this was posted in videogame area, and the title wrote dating sim, lol.

Sorry.

 

[Kamiyouni]

Wow dude. You put it a lot more effort I'd say. I quit at 19. I've had crushes here and there but, that's it. If you continue with that tenacity you might land a good line.
But, if you been on plenty of first dates and have had multiple relationships, isn't that good? I mean, it's a shame nobody has stuck with you long enough but, maybe it's a self evaluation that has to happen? I

 

[Kamiyouni]

What?

Click to shrink...

It's a video game reference.

 

[honest_ry]

Thank fuck i've not been single in 15 years.

Although part of me knows it would be easy as fuck to get laid/find another woman with modern technology.

 

[jph139]

Have you tried meet ups, speed dating, or rec sports? Change your strategy.

Online only strategy is not the best.

Click to shrink...

I like the idea of speed dating/mixer type events, but every one I've ever seen is like... 40+, at least. I don't think it's something young people really do anymore.

 

[Officer Big Mac]

I thought this was posted in videogame area, and the title wrote dating sim, lol.

Sorry.

Click to shrink...

Lol. I thought this where I completely lost touch with the kids of today.

 

[Jessie]

Maybe it's because you're treating dating like a game instead of a real human connection you make with someone. Authenticity and vulnerability go a long way.

 

[Cpt-GargameL]

Instead of saying I can't do this or that or I have bad luck etc just put positive energy out there and you shall receive that back.

Not in shape? Go to the gym. In shape? Go to the gym. A gym is a great place to meet new girls. Usually goes like this: 1. Meet girl at gym. 2. Work out together. 3. Hangout outside of gym. 4. Hangout inside her. (Or hanging hmmm) 5. Hopefully it lasts. Rinse and repeat.

 

[Coolwhip]

Maybe you are sending big insecurity vibes, because you are very insecure. Your post kinda reads like it. Maybe talk to a therapist and work on yourself?

And based on your avatar, make sure your house is anime toys free.

 

[Shingi_70]

Been in a happy relationship for the last two years, before that I would bounce around with nothing really lasting.

 

[Raptomex]

Instead of saying I can't do this or that or I have bad luck etc just put positive energy out there and you shall receive that back.

Not in shape? Go to the gym. In shape? Go to the gym. A gym is a great place to meet new girls. Usually goes like this: 1. Meet girl at gym. 2. Work out together. 3. Hangout outside of gym. 4. Hangout inside her. (Or hanging hmmm) 5. Hopefully it lasts. Rinse and repeat.

Click to shrink...

I thought approaching women at the gym was a no-no.

 

[Jerry]

Its the anime avatar dude

 

[thesoapster]

Pretty sure I'm worse...

 

[Admiral Woofington]

Some of us aren't even putting in much effort to find someone besides very passively swiping right on tinder and chatting with some people there. I've had some first dates that neither of us pursues further due to my total lack of interest, but ultimately I've realized I need to date a geek if I want the relationship to go somewhere but I don't go out of my way to find someone. I thought that when my confidence shot up after losing essentially all the weight I've gained since college I'd become more proactive, but nope it just helped my confidence and I feel healthier. That's it.

At this point it's not necessarily healthy to be this uncaring as I'm growing older, but something happened to me between high school which is where I cared about this stuff and now. But I'm not unhappy being single as I've been single basically my whole life. And my type of work is so time consuming I just want to get home and relax.

So yes, there's always someone with a worst track record. Be it laziness or something else.

 

[ZeroX]

Am I too short? Too heavy? I'm 5'5" and 160. I'm 32. My hair is starting to thin, is that it? Am I too boring? Am I too forward? Am I not forward enough? Should I try to hold hands on the first date? Should I go dutch or pay for her meal? What even is a good first date spot?

Click to shrink...

I'd say that considering you're questioning yourself so heavily that there's a big ol' lack of self confidence.

 

[Ehoavash]

Something I've heard more than once is that "I just didn't feel a spark." That or after a good (or so I think) first date, tons of talking etc. I just never hear back from them. I've heard another say that she still has feelings for an Ex, but she never told him. The most random shit.

I've had people's fathers have heart attacks right before a date. Or their uncles or any close relative. This has happened more than once. Like, terrible things happening to people just before meeting me.

I've had things start off super hot and then people get too "busy", like 7 days a week can't find free time busy. This happens a lot too.

At this point it's making me really self conscious about ever little thing about myself.

Am I too short? Too heavy? I'm 5'5" and 160. I'm 32. My hair is starting to thin, is that it? Am I too boring? Am I too forward? Am I not forward enough? Should I try to hold hands on the first date? Should I go dutch or pay for her meal? What even is a good first date spot?

I feel like a statistician just throwing random experiments out there and playing the numbers game to see what sticks at this point. But the problem is, the well is running dry, no one seems interested anymore. Even the 30 year olds group, who want long-term, etc.

Fuck man.

Click to shrink...

5'5 and 160? Hit the gym bro lose some weight

 

[Cpt-GargameL]

I thought approaching women at the gym was a no-no.

Click to shrink...

There's an art to it. For instance, don't intentionally approach them at the gym, but if you catch one looking at you just smile and if she smiles back then it's a good sign. Leave it at that. Next time you see them, hope THEY approach you. That's how it usually plays out. Don't go out of your way to approach women at the gym. They're there to workout just like you.

 

[Deadly Cyclone]

Pretty sure there are plenty of people that haven't even gotten to the first date stage.
I was in that situation when I finally messaged the right girl on OKCupid 5 years back and now we're married. Eventually, you'll find someone that fits.

 

[Ashby]

5'5? If you feel like blaming something you have no control over for your bad dating luck that would be a good one to pick.

 

[Raptomex]

There's an art to it. For instance, don't intentionally approach them at the gym, but if you catch one looking at you just smile and if she smiles back then it's a good sign. Leave it at that. Next time you see them, hope THEY approach you. That's how it usually plays out. Don't go out of your way to approach women at the gym. They're there to workout just like you.

Click to shrink...

Wouldn't this apply to most scenarios and is not necessarily isolated to just the gym setting?

 

[Kemono]

Only pensioners and families live here.

Click to shrink...

Old people and single parents need love too.

 

[Cpt-GargameL]

Wouldn't this apply to most scenarios and is not necessarily isolated to just the gym setting?

Click to shrink...

Indeed. Reason why I mentioned that is because, again, you don't want to go out of your way while at the gym to approach a female. There are already countless guys who are trying to do just that. So by just minding your own business and showing dedication in your workout regime, that alone can catch the attention of a woman. Basically don't be a creep. (Also, I'm mentioning gym because that's the suggestion I gave OP)

 

[Addie]

Am I too short? Too heavy? I'm 5'5" and 160. I'm 32. My hair is starting to thin, is that it? Am I too boring? Am I too forward? Am I not forward enough? Should I try to hold hands on the first date? Should I go dutch or pay for her meal? What even is a good first date spot?

Click to shrink...

You project a lack of self-confidence. You may not act like that on dates, of course.

What makes you a good catch? (You have a job and a home and are literate; you check baseline requirements, but what makes you stand out above that?)

You need to be able to answer that question. You also need to figure out what you're looking for and assess whether it's realistic given current logistical constraints.

Also, yes: you're short and overweight, but the latter is fixable. You could also try a different hairstyle that addresses the balding. It sounds as if you don't think you're attractive, which you're likely broadcasting to others.

As far as "forward vs. not forward," you simply need to articulate what you want, pursue it, and accept all responses (even negative ones) gracefully. And — try things beyond online dating. I've had hundreds of dates from OKCupid, but the quality was usually questionable.

 

[Dinjooh]

Something I've heard more than once is that "I just didn't feel a spark." That or after a good (or so I think) first date, tons of talking etc. I just never hear back from them. I've heard another say that she still has feelings for an Ex, but she never told him. The most random shit.

I've had people's fathers have heart attacks right before a date. Or their uncles or any close relative. This has happened more than once. Like, terrible things happening to people just before meeting me.

I've had things start off super hot and then people get too "busy", like 7 days a week can't find free time busy. This happens a lot too.

At this point it's making me really self conscious about ever little thing about myself.

Am I too short? Too heavy? I'm 5'5" and 160. I'm 32. My hair is starting to thin, is that it? Am I too boring? Am I too forward? Am I not forward enough? Should I try to hold hands on the first date? Should I go dutch or pay for her meal? What even is a good first date spot?

I feel like a statistician just throwing random experiments out there and playing the numbers game to see what sticks at this point. But the problem is, the well is running dry, no one seems interested anymore. Even the 30 year olds group, who want long-term, etc.

Fuck man.

Click to shrink...

Well, for starters - Are you being honest about your weight and height on your dating profiles? Both in text and in the way you frame your pictures? If you give women the wrong impression and they expect someone leaner and/or taller, you're off on a bad start.

 

[Deleted member 9486]

5'5? If you feel like blaming something you have no control over for your bad dating luck that would be a good one to pick.

Click to shrink...

Yep. A lot of women a super shallow about height. Especially online where they have a ton of options as every remotely attractive woman gets a ton of messages all the time. I'm 5'9" and was told I was too short several times by women 5'5" and under. SMH.

And others have said, make efforts to meet people in real life. I never had any luck finding anything long term with online dating either (though I didn't put near that much time or effort into it over the years). All my long term relationships, including my wife, were people I met in real life through events, through friends etc.

I'm not saying stop online dating, as I have several friends who met their SOs online. Just don't make it your only option. It's tough sledding if you're not traditionally attractive and being 5'5" will really hurt online as a huge chunk of women will just never respond when they see you're short. At least in person you have more of a chance of talking and using your personality to get people interested even if the height is an initial turn off.

 

[Kain-Nosgoth]

nah, blaming your height is not the solution... sure it's a disadvantage, no one will deny that, but there's ton of short people who have no problem in the dating world cause they compensate with a good personality/look, and so on!

I'm 5'2 and even if it was really not a lot, i've got some dates, so it's not impossible!

 

[Addie]

I'm gonna raise the gender equality flag here just a little — yes, a lot of women prefer taller men, just like a lot of men prefer slender women.

I did call my 5'2" friend a height supremacist for only wanting to date men 6' or taller, but it's one of those aspirational things for her. We look for ideals when swiping profiles, and all other things being equal, we're going to be more adamant about our preferences.

Also, OP's problem isn't necessarily getting dates. It's sustaining things. Analyzing what happens on his first dates would seem equally useful.

 

[Ultima_5]

just find some ways to work on yourself and give dating a rest for a bit. especially if youre only seeing the same few folks.

what do your profiles look like? keep them short and sweet, and have them be a bit funny. if someone wrote a ton, i'd only read all of it if it seemed like it was going to be kinda creepy or w/e.

my tinder was just a few pics, and two mildly amusing things for people to reference in messages.

maybe look into updating your wardrobe? like it or not, that is what creates your first impression.

what are your interest? do you only really play video games in your free time? try to broaden that a bit. you don't have to join a bunch of clubs or learn how to rock climb or anything, but maybe look into becoming a better cook?

honestly if you want a dating app life hack, get a cute dog, include it in your profile pics w/ you. people love animals, and having a dog makes it seem like you like to get out and do things. worse comes to worse, at least you have a dog for company.

note, im a chubby bearded guy, and didn't have any issues getting dates or interest using dating apps.

sounds like you don't have trouble getting dates, but making them stick around. find things to do around you. different parts to take walks on, different restaurants, make different meals together, etc. no offense, but they might not stick around for long cuz the relationship gets boring a bit to quick? personally i follow a few "things to do in ____" for my city via instagram, and there's a website that emails me events. it helps come up w/ easy date ideas, whenever i see stuff that seems fun, i send a link of it over to my girlfriend.

 

[GamerJM]

How do you even message 3000 women? I'm on OKCupid, live in a relatively big city, and there's not even close to 3000 people I'd want to send a message to, and I'm pansexual so that opens the door up to people who aren't women as well. And that's including people who I'd be vaguely interested in in some capacity.

Anyways, 100 first dates/20 second dates puts you at a 1/5 chance of going on a second date, which makes you better than me because I've never had a second date out of seven first dates I've been on. Granted for like half of those I'm at least partially responsible for that in a deliberate way.

 

[Deleted member 9486]

How do you even message 3000 women? I'm on OKCupid, live in a relatively big city, and there's not even close to 3000 people I'd want to send a message to, and I'm pansexual so that opens the door up to people who aren't women as well. And that's including people who I'd be vaguely interested in in some capacity.

Click to shrink...

It is a lot, but also over 12 years, which comes to 250 a year on average. That's not unreasonable if in a big city and across a variety of dating sites. Especially if it's a growing city with people moving in all the time, as there's a lot of new people joining all the dating sites regularly.

Guys generally have to send a ton of messages to get any dates on these sites since any attractive women get a ton of messages almost instantly and if you aren't among those first messages when some one joins or comes back to the site your chances aren't great if you're not uber attractive. Most of the replies and dates I got where people I lucked into being able to message shortly after they posted their profile. I probably got a reply every 30-50 messages I sent and a first date every 100 or so.