Sorry you feel that way man, but it will get better.
Have you been doing anything to try and take your mind off it? Like focusing on your hobbies? Seeing friends? Exercising?
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Sorry you feel that way man, but it will get better.
Have you been doing anything to try and take your mind off it? Like focusing on your hobbies? Seeing friends? Exercising?
Nah man I wasn't using it as a joke or to bring anyone down. I meant for it to be inspirational not to get too comfortable and slack off like me. I could see how it looked like that though.
So here's something that's always on my mind when dating, that I'm not sure how to approach with a new partner.
When I was younger, I used to self-harm, so my right arm is covered in scars. In my experience, eventually, a girl will ask about this, and I don't want to lie. I wonder if it's better to bring it up, as if it's something I want to share, rather than wait till they notice and ask? Also, does anyone have any experience with a partner with that type of background? Do you think it's likely to bother a girl? It was quite some time ago, more than 6 years ago. My ex used to get really upset about it, every time she really looked at them, she used to burst into tears, and talk about how she wished she had known me before, so that none of that would have happened - I don't think she ever really understood, but at least she did not judge me negatively for it.
In general I do like to share this type of thing, because it puts me at ease once I have, but I also worry that it could scare someone away.
When I was younger, I used to self-harm, so my right arm is covered in scars. In my experience, eventually, a girl will ask about this, and I don't want to lie. I wonder if it's better to bring it up, as if it's something I want to share, rather than wait till they notice and ask? Also, does anyone have any experience with a partner with that type of background? Do you think it's likely to bother a girl? It was quite some time ago, more than 6 years ago. My ex used to get really upset about it, every time she really looked at them, she used to burst into tears, and talk about how she wished she had known me before, so that none of that would have happened - I don't think she ever really understood, but at least she did not judge me negatively for it.
In general I do like to share this type of thing, because it puts me at ease once I have, but I also worry that it could scare someone away.
I'd honestly keep quiet about it unless they bring it up. They probably will eventually mention it and as long as your cool with it just say the truth and say it was a long time ago, and that it was dumb.
Just my thoughts.
yeah I got two chicks that shown me interest this morning lol so its a moot point with her at this instance.
I did cut her off everywhere.
But then I sent her that email and we were replying back and forth and then she told me to text her, talked a lil bit and she stopped replying I'm not going to try to push it further and I'll just focus on the next women coming my way.
Self harming is a pretty tough thing and it does depend on the person you're with and the person you are. My ex had self harmed years before we started dating and it just made me want to take care of her so she wouldn't do it again. And then she started doing it again and I'd feel like I wasn't doing enough and we'd talk about it, but nothing changed. It never scared me away, it got frustrating when she started again but I never wanted to leave.
In general I would say waiting until they notice is a pretty good way to go about it, unless you guys are having a deep confession time or something. Because in all honesty just randomly bringing it up out of the blue makes little sense. And if youre not comfortable about when they do notice just be honest and say "I'm not comfortable talking about this right now, but don't worry I promise you I don't do it anymore, they're from a long time ago." If you are comfortable then just explain the story to her.
You're really not likely to scare someone away over this. Most people will just wish they couldve helped, if you honestly do find someone that is scared away or judges you negatively then why do you want to be with that person anyway??
Yeah, I was thinking that while I typed things out.
With that said, the girl I'm currently dating, her father tried to kill myself when she was younger, and she walked in and found him. So ideally. I don't want her experiencing any PTSD related to that. So if she did get a little scared by it, I wouldn't blame her. With that said, as you say, it was a long time ago.
With my ex, despite being really nervous about talking to her about it for the first time, I guess I actually leveraged it as a way to be closer to her. As if it was something that only she knew about me - making her feel as if she was my confidant. That's not really true since I've always found that talking is what actually made me a lot happier, even if it's just to reason out my own thoughts, but I think people like that kind of thing.
Thought my Tinder was broken because I wasn't getting responses...so I redownloaded it and it turns out...
It wasn't broken lol.
At least I got a match to start the new year.
It wasn't broken lol.
At least I got a match to start the new year.
Sometimes it is broken though. When I was using it a few weeks ago I was getting matches on the web version that I wasn't getting on the mobile version. And other times I just couldn't even log in for hours.
I like the web browser version better, to be honest. I trust it more.
Huh didn't even know they made a web version. Just checked it out. Thanks for the heads up.
Yeah it's better in a lot of ways. Typing for one, it's nicer to type on there, than on a phone. Plus it always let me log in, that's a bonus.
That's tough. Then I guess maybe you should bring it up. Sit down with her and mention that you want to tell her about your past with self harming and that you were worried about her seeing it first and getting the wrong idea or it bringing up painful memories for her.
Also I don't see the need to present this information in a way that you can leverage it. Maybe I'm missing something since I never self harmed, but that seems unnecessary.
You cut her off everywhere yet had her email and phone number still?
That's not cutting someone out.
Well, I guess leverage isn't the right word, but in general I find sharing intimate things, personal details, makes me closer to that person, and them inclined to share things of their own, making them closer to me. I didn't mean that in a negative way, though usually I've found that with girls, if I do talk about things like that, they like the idea that they're the only person I talk about that type of thing with. So often if they're not immediately freaked out by it, it actually makes you closer.
I just try and flip things into a positive generally, rather than a really terrible experience, it's a way to connect with someone. Sometimes, even help someone. With one of my ex's, who self harmed herself, it helped her a lot that I could understand it.
Textbook Emotional blackmail and manipulation from her right there. You're right to move on, now block and delete her number and any other form of contact you've got for her. New year, new start!
Good on you man. I know it sucks losing someone so close, but you'll find new people to get close. People that are actually good for you. And have you seen anyone for your depression and anxiety problems?
I have some scars on my arms too. I think it would just be odd to be like, "hey 20 years ago I used to cut myself a bit" out of nowhere, if you're sharing during an intimate conversation or they ask about it then I think it's appropriate to explain.
I've never had anyone react that way to my scars, mine are randomly scattered across my arms and I don't feel the need to cover them up. My ex did similar things so we were just able to relate to each other on it. As far as new dates no one seems to say anything, nor do they seem to care as far as I can tell. For reference I'm not a guy so maybe people just avoid mentioning it (or they don't notice or care). I personally don't care and wouldn't find it upsetting to see those kinds of scars on a guy, but I can relate to it. Each woman is going to have a different view of it based on their own experiences. I just wouldn't worry too much about it, but I would avoid being with someone that gets upset about it because it's in the past and it's something you can't go back and change.
Yeah, I mean I wouldn't share out of nowhere. I was thinking about it because she was naked on my bed and I was going over her body, talking about her scars, birthmarks and such. She was sharing memories / thoughts associated with each. She asked about a couple of mine, but I didn't draw any attention to those on my right arm.
She's also asked a few times if I'm broken / damaged in any way. I say no, but she's said she kind of wishes I were because she likes having someone to support.
iMessages on Mac OS keeps the numbers for some reason all I had to do is type in her name and our conversation that I thought I had deleted came back with her phone number which I thought I had deleted
...damn u Apple
I'm sort of assuming it sounded better coming out of her mouth but I can't exactly imagine how haha.
Probably didn't sound much better. I felt like an awkward thing to say at the time.
I didn't really know what to say to it either.
Yeah, that's a weird comment. You can support someone without them being damaged.
Aren't we all damaged though?
Aren't we all damaged though?
I guess this must be a thing? I've had a girlfriend actually be mad at me for not having a troubled past.
That's just weird...
I'm supportive, but it's not something if I'd seek out, much less get upset about...
I'm supportive, but it's not something if I'd seek out, much less get upset about...
Basically how I feel about it. Actively seeking out damaged people just seems weird. Especially since, like you said, we're all damaged in some way. Give it time, it's easy to spot it after a while.
The weird thing is wanting someone damaged in the first place. It implies you're happier when someone has been significantly hurt. That's fucking weird to put it nicely.
I'm not a big fan of the "damaged goods" term but if we're gonna use it not everybody (or even most people) fall under that term.
I'm not a big fan of the "damaged goods" term but if we're gonna use it not everybody (or even most people) fall under that term.
I mean.. I usually end up with people who have a bit of a shakey past. Probably because I do and people who are similar probably tend to gravitate towards each other more. But its stange for sure for that to be something you actively seek out.
Oh you had a nice upbringing and nothing terrible has happened to you? PASS!
Your father was abusive and you ran away from home at a young age? Well let me buy you a drink.
Maybe some people want to be the hero or something? I dunno. But I do know that victims of things hate being treated like one. Actively seeking out a troubled past almost comes off as preying on a perceived weakness and is creepy AF IMO.
Oh you had a nice upbringing and nothing terrible has happened to you? PASS!
Your father was abusive and you ran away from home at a young age? Well let me buy you a drink.
Maybe some people want to be the hero or something? I dunno. But I do know that victims of things hate being treated like one. Actively seeking out a troubled past almost comes off as preying on a perceived weakness and is creepy AF IMO.
Lots of people want to "fix" damaged people, that can be taken in all sorts of ways.
I'm mainly of the opinion that most people have some sort of trauma in their lives that many would consider them "damaged goods", to the point that the term doesn't even hold any meaning anymore. It's just different types and severities. But, at the same time, my views could just be the result of the type of place I grew up in and the people I gravitate to as a result. If it wasn't abuse, traumatic family deaths, or constant financial insecurity, it's a mental illness.
I dunno, everyone has emotional baggage.
I'm mainly of the opinion that most people have some sort of trauma in their lives that many would consider them "damaged goods", to the point that the term doesn't even hold any meaning anymore. It's just different types and severities. But, at the same time, my views could just be the result of the type of place I grew up in and the people I gravitate to as a result. If it wasn't abuse, traumatic family deaths, or constant financial insecurity, it's a mental illness.
I dunno, everyone has emotional baggage.
I've read at least 2 forst hand accounts of guys that have dated damaged women supported them and "fixed" them only for the woman to move on from that relationship. The guys have been devastated, but more telling was how they were mad that they had "fixed" her and that somehow they were owed a lifetime of gratitude for that. Nice guyism again. I pointed out in both cases the women they met at the start was not the same person when she recoved.
Hopefully this is appropriate for this thread.
So there's this girl at work who I like very much. I've got some feelings for her. However, unfortunately she already has a boyfriend and is currently in a relationship. To make a short story shorter, I want some advice from you experienced people. How do I cope with my feelings towards her? I'm asking how to get over them? She's directly working with me for a few more days/weeks so it's going to be tough but I'll manage.
So there's this girl at work who I like very much. I've got some feelings for her. However, unfortunately she already has a boyfriend and is currently in a relationship. To make a short story shorter, I want some advice from you experienced people. How do I cope with my feelings towards her? I'm asking how to get over them? She's directly working with me for a few more days/weeks so it's going to be tough but I'll manage.
It's 100% a thing. I know a lot of girls that deliberately seek out partners with damaged pasts. Self-harm, depression, all sorts of shit like that, and try and 'fix them'.
I think in some ways, these people expect that by fixing them, their partner will be more attached to them.
Most of the girls I've been with have been really into that kind of thing, to be honest. I guess that's why I ended up moving on? If you're damaged and you fix them, then their self esteem is likely much higher, and they have the motivation to pursue what they want.
With my ex, she helped me through depression and some other stuff, but after that, I guess I didn't feel like I needed her anymore. She was dependent on me, but I wasn't dependent on her... these type of people, I guess they look for a relationship where both partners will be co-dependent, but by 'fixing' their partner, they end up with a very one sided relationship which just doesn't work out. Nevertheless, I do quite like being with girls want to care for me or fix me.
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If you're anything like me then you also experience that moment when they do something and it feels like it's them showing feelings towards you. Ignore that. Everytime that feeling comes up tell yourself it's not true at all. Beyond that meet other people, especially people you don't work with, spend more time with your friends and going out. Think about other stuff besides this girl.
Yes that would be me. But she has said I am cute and sometimes hugs me. All I'm thinking is it's all fake but I don't know what to think.
But yeah, help me ignore and surpass my feelings towards her! How do I do it?
Edit: sorry, I see you did tell me how. Focus on other things.
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She gives you attention and you've decided that it has meaning beyond that she's easy regular contact and that daily contact and shared environment is what's feeding your feelings. No guy wants to be called cute, it does not mean what you think it means in this situation. Firstly don't date co workers. Beyond that ignore those feelings and look for other girls who are single.
Lol no worries. But seriously if you just keep telling yourself its fake or its just platonic you'll be better off I promise. You'll start to believe it after a while or at least catch yourself thinking those comments are anything more than platonic.
Also if for some reason it isnt platonic and she is interested. Stay the hell away. Dont get involved with your coworker, plus her priorities are all mixed up if she's flirting with you while theres a boyfriend at home and you dont want that.
Okay, I see it a little different know. Thanks for helping me see the logic. It'll help me out.
Yeah, that's exactly what I was thinking. Your last sentence.
So I need some advice. When is the time to have the talk about what you are or what you want out of the person you are dating?
Met a girl on Tinder a few weeks ago. Talked for a good week on the phone and met. She lives about an hour away. She came to my place and we hit it off and she spent the night(yes we had sex).
Kept talking all through the next week which was Christmas weekend coming up. We both had nothing going on Xmas eve, so she asked me in mid day if I would come down to visit her that night. I did. Went to Star Wars and went back to her place and I spent the night, left early the next morning for Xmas.
She came over again last night and she slept over again.
I noticed today she is still active on tinder and even put a new photo up. I'm not sure when she put it up as I haven't on tinder in awhile.
Is it too early to ask or should I let it go a bit longer? I like her a lot and I don't think she would come see me if she didn't like me.
Met a girl on Tinder a few weeks ago. Talked for a good week on the phone and met. She lives about an hour away. She came to my place and we hit it off and she spent the night(yes we had sex).
Kept talking all through the next week which was Christmas weekend coming up. We both had nothing going on Xmas eve, so she asked me in mid day if I would come down to visit her that night. I did. Went to Star Wars and went back to her place and I spent the night, left early the next morning for Xmas.
She came over again last night and she slept over again.
I noticed today she is still active on tinder and even put a new photo up. I'm not sure when she put it up as I haven't on tinder in awhile.
Is it too early to ask or should I let it go a bit longer? I like her a lot and I don't think she would come see me if she didn't like me.
I don't think there is a time frame for that sort of thing. If you want to start talking about exclusivity, you are within rights... but that said, personally I'd wait until you have seen them like at least 12 times.
Just have the conversation so you both know where you stand. No point waiting and overinvesting if she wants too keep it casual.
Like the others have said if you're starting to feel invested then it's not too early to talk to her about whether you guys are exclusive or not.
Coffee shop if you've never met before, cheapand easy to get out if you don't click.
Just do it now dawgie but if she's still updating she may be looking for someone better. My girlfriend didn't disable hers until I did.
I like it. I was thinking lunch, but that's been hit or miss for me (and my wallet lol).
Just got done with a first date (first time meeting via OKC). Tbh it's hard to tell how it went, I'm pretty rusty. There was only one awkward pause in conversation I guess, lol.
That said we do seem to have a bit in common aaand she was super attractive as well, so I'll try texting again probably. Is there a standard these days for how long before you send a follow up text? Like is it weird to text the same night?
That said we do seem to have a bit in common aaand she was super attractive as well, so I'll try texting again probably. Is there a standard these days for how long before you send a follow up text? Like is it weird to text the same night?
No rules any more, text when you want but focus that texting on the end game of setting up another date.
With it being winter and all, coffee shops or like a pastry shop makes the most sense as they're most likely going to be less expensive than a full meal. Plus they're both bound to have hot drinks to stay warm during the cold weather.
That's an excellent idea. Weather is subzero where I'm at, so something like a local coffee join sounds like a cozy first date spot.
IMO, if you meet during the day, the night is okay to text. If you meet night-ish, text the next day.
Rules about waiting a few days have aged very poorly over the last few years.
I think it's more about feeling more comfortable around someone with the same afflictions as you...like, it puts them more in your "league".
It makes them more likely to mean something to you, and another ""damaged"" person is less likely to shy away once they hear about your shitty situations?
Maybe "fixing" them makes them feel like they're fixing themselves, or gives them some kind of validation. idk.
speaking of which, recently hooked up with another chick who gets off on pain...like, she really gets off on pain, being choked, slapped, ect.
After the last chick who said she was, I didn't think I was into that kind of thing at all...now I realize that i'm totally into it as long as she's really into it.
except afterwards it came to my attention that she was also a cutter...she may actually still be one....nothing on wrists. I dunno if she does it for depression, or if she's just on a different level of kinky.
and so yet again, i drive home somewhat conflicted
edit: both of us already confirmed that we're just gonna casually smash, she's cool peoples. So no danger of feelings...just don't know what to make of such situations lol