That's where I'm at too. A relationship should be built on top of a good foundation. Not be the foundation.
We had a small conversation last night and she told me that she just doesn't know when she'll be ready to date again, but also doesn't know if when that time comes she'll want to date me, and doesn't want to string me along because of that.
She hasn't just been keeping me around to keep her options open as right now she doesn't want any options, she wants nothing, and that because of that, for now I should move on and find someone that makes me happy.
Cried in bed before going to sleep last night, cried in bed first thing after waking up this morning.
So I've unpaused my Hinge and sent some likes. I think the only way to really get over her is to just start putting myself out there again.
But I also noticed that between last night and this morning her Hinge profile that is still in my matches has updated with some new pictures, so uh, what she said about not wanting anyone right now kind of rings hollow and that's hurt me a bit, but will also help me get over her I suppose.
She hasn't just been keeping me around to keep her options open as right now she doesn't want any options, she wants nothing, and that because of that, for now I should move on and find someone that makes me happy.
Cried in bed before going to sleep last night, cried in bed first thing after waking up this morning.
So I've unpaused my Hinge and sent some likes. I think the only way to really get over her is to just start putting myself out there again.
But I also noticed that between last night and this morning her Hinge profile that is still in my matches has updated with some new pictures, so uh, what she said about not wanting anyone right now kind of rings hollow and that's hurt me a bit, but will also help me get over her I suppose.
Had another date with someone recently that again has me scratching my head.
It seemed to go well, had a few kisses at the end, she texted me when she got home/thanked me and quickly agreed to a second date. That second date was going to happen this coming Tuesday, but I'm assuming it won't be happening now and I don't really know what happened?
A few days ago she agreed to go out for dinner. Wednesday I asked if she wanted to go to this Italian place I liked, but said I have other ideas if she isn't in the mood for Italian. She responded Thursday, the last time I heard from her, saying she likes Italian but tries to limit having pizza because of the dairy. The name of the restaurant has "pizza" in its name, but I told her in response that there are a lot of other dishes there and proposed a couple of other restaurant ideas if she'd prefer those.
That's it though. No idea what happened to her. She used to respond to me at least once a day and would apologize the times that she responded late. I'm just going to leave it at that though since the ball is in her court. I just can't seen to win with anyone that I go out with.
It seemed to go well, had a few kisses at the end, she texted me when she got home/thanked me and quickly agreed to a second date. That second date was going to happen this coming Tuesday, but I'm assuming it won't be happening now and I don't really know what happened?
A few days ago she agreed to go out for dinner. Wednesday I asked if she wanted to go to this Italian place I liked, but said I have other ideas if she isn't in the mood for Italian. She responded Thursday, the last time I heard from her, saying she likes Italian but tries to limit having pizza because of the dairy. The name of the restaurant has "pizza" in its name, but I told her in response that there are a lot of other dishes there and proposed a couple of other restaurant ideas if she'd prefer those.
That's it though. No idea what happened to her. She used to respond to me at least once a day and would apologize the times that she responded late. I'm just going to leave it at that though since the ball is in her court. I just can't seen to win with anyone that I go out with.
I've gone back to waves of depression throughout the day and am crying daily. I can't get through a shift at work without getting hit with a random wave of grief and just spacing out for an hour at a time. I can't play games without my mind wandering to her and just losing focus.
I just don't understand how someone can go from talking about the future, suggesting trips to go on together, spending so much time with you, to just ending things completely out of nowhere.
It was only 4 months but we had become so close, texting non stop, spending as much time together as we could. She had become my best friend for those months.
I get she has her own mental health issues but I just can't understand going from that to essentially cutting someone from your life. Every part of me just wants to talk to her at every moment in the day, and I don't understand how she can be ok otherwise.
I feel broken.
I think on my days off I'm going to go see my doctor and do a mental health plan and get booked in with a therapist of my own. This has just destroyed me.
I just don't understand how someone can go from talking about the future, suggesting trips to go on together, spending so much time with you, to just ending things completely out of nowhere.
It was only 4 months but we had become so close, texting non stop, spending as much time together as we could. She had become my best friend for those months.
I get she has her own mental health issues but I just can't understand going from that to essentially cutting someone from your life. Every part of me just wants to talk to her at every moment in the day, and I don't understand how she can be ok otherwise.
I feel broken.
I think on my days off I'm going to go see my doctor and do a mental health plan and get booked in with a therapist of my own. This has just destroyed me.
This is normal. You're grieving. Some questions, you'll never get the answer to. Journal about this, write it down somewhere like you're doing here. Talk to friends and family, vent about it. Process the grief with a therapist.
Hey dude, really sorry for your loss.
Thats the thing with people - they are unsolvable. People leave decades-long marriages for no "reason" daily. There doesn't have to be a reason, and it's impossible to make sense of.
Block her on hinge. Also, get off hinge for awhile. Just be sad and think about her and process. Treat yourself right and try to eat well and get a bit of exercise.
Dont "yell" at yourself for thinking of her. Let the thoughts flow in and out.
It's gonna take time. Hope you can get into therapy if thats what you decide to do.
In unbanned yay!
Dating is whatever right now. Went on three dates with a girl i was so/so on. Ended with a weirdly bad third date. Sent me down a huge spiral.
Seeing a really smart and interesting girl for ethiopean food and jazz wednesday (through a matchmaking thing). We saw each other on a FaceTime last week and had a nice talk. Looking forward to hanging again.
Got another date cooking through the same matchmaking service. Shes excited for a family, which is fun. Shes the same height as me, something ive been a little sensitive over lately. Waiting for her to think im a shrimp and not want to date me, lol.
Downloaded hinge, not interacting with it much. Im happy to not have it affecting my mood. Im still not receiving much attention on it.
Im realizing that not everyone i meet is a chance at a life partner. Instead, im gonna have to sift through a fuck ton of people to find someone who works for me.
I looked into single parent adoption in California. Apparently it's growing more common. Thats allowing me to mentally take the foot off the gas i think, which is nice. And allowing me to look forward to the future and giving me a reason to start saving money for my own place.
Was horribly depressed last Monday, but today is feeling alright. Lifes been a rollercoaster but overall good.
Dating is whatever right now. Went on three dates with a girl i was so/so on. Ended with a weirdly bad third date. Sent me down a huge spiral.
Seeing a really smart and interesting girl for ethiopean food and jazz wednesday (through a matchmaking thing). We saw each other on a FaceTime last week and had a nice talk. Looking forward to hanging again.
Got another date cooking through the same matchmaking service. Shes excited for a family, which is fun. Shes the same height as me, something ive been a little sensitive over lately. Waiting for her to think im a shrimp and not want to date me, lol.
Downloaded hinge, not interacting with it much. Im happy to not have it affecting my mood. Im still not receiving much attention on it.
Im realizing that not everyone i meet is a chance at a life partner. Instead, im gonna have to sift through a fuck ton of people to find someone who works for me.
I looked into single parent adoption in California. Apparently it's growing more common. Thats allowing me to mentally take the foot off the gas i think, which is nice. And allowing me to look forward to the future and giving me a reason to start saving money for my own place.
Was horribly depressed last Monday, but today is feeling alright. Lifes been a rollercoaster but overall good.
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Yeah I've been doing a lot of talking to a lot of people which is good. I am so, so glad that I live with my sister right now.
But it's been 6 weeks for what was only a 4 month relationship and I am doing no better, so I do think speaking to a therapist is my next option.
Yeah I've been trying to just "live", eating well, going to the gym etc. It's tough but I'll get there.
But at the same time it doesn't feel like the book is closed which makes it so much harder to just forget about her. When we first caught up post breakup like a month ago and had a big chat her words her something like "I'm not 50/50 on us getting back together, I'd definitely be leaning more towards we do than not", and she still has my PS4 and a Switch game at hers that she hasn't offered to drop off on her way to work or anything to be rid of.
So like, the chat the other night where she told me to move on I feel was more for my sake as she knows I'm not doing well with the current situation? I haven't heard from her at all after her last text about her not having a timeline for when she'll feel better and me moving on. I sent her a follow up message the next day she didn't reply to, and that was 3 days ago. And no snapchats from her or anything in that time either. I think that's where my current grief is coming from, it's finally just radio silence and I miss her.
Get your stuff back and do whatever else to close this chapter. It seems this has done a number on your mental health. You have to take care of yourself at the end of the day.
I don't want to message her again though after she hasn't replied to my last messages 🥲
It's not like I need that stuff, I can get it down the line if I have to.
If you don't need them, that's fine. Just do whatever else like blocking her or deleting her contact, deleting pics, etc to be able to move on. Right now, everything is going to remind you of her and will be associated.
It's like that on every app, it sucks. It's even the same on apps where you're just trying to find friends.
From I like you very much, you make me feel safe and I feel free to be myself with you conversations... To I'm busy for the next of couple of months with raiding in FF14 and preparing for the expansion, and I can't not raid as I'm committed to my raid schedule a lot.
I'm actually impressed. Probably for the best.
I didn't know raids can take over people's lives on that level, damn. Like you said, for the best.
Well she just sent me a random Snapchat (just something generic she would have sent to all her friends), which is the first communication I've gotten from her in 5 days.
So she hasn't gone full no contact on me after that "maybe you should move on for now" message.
Might pause my Hinge profile for now. I need to get better photos anyway as I'm probably missing out on matches due to less flattering pics. I've got two great photos at the top and then 4 not so good ones.
Will try to be nice and social, spend time with friends, go out, go to the gym, get some photos, and I'll reevaluate in a couple weeks time.
Hit it up again as my best self with fresh photos and in a better headspace.
So she hasn't gone full no contact on me after that "maybe you should move on for now" message.
Might pause my Hinge profile for now. I need to get better photos anyway as I'm probably missing out on matches due to less flattering pics. I've got two great photos at the top and then 4 not so good ones.
Will try to be nice and social, spend time with friends, go out, go to the gym, get some photos, and I'll reevaluate in a couple weeks time.
Hit it up again as my best self with fresh photos and in a better headspace.
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It's as normal as the morning sunrise. You can set your watch to it.
There can be a lot of reasons, but usually the most common reason is that women get tons of Likes and typically almost every swipe they do ends up in a match. This means they have a rather sizable match queue and they simply can't maintain conversations with all of them. Once they start clicking with a few people, they often just leave the others on stand-by. It's not necessarily you said anything "wrong" or weren't witty enough, they just happened to click with someone else first and there's only so many hours in a day to respond to messages on an app.
And an example of some other reasons, sometimes people just got out of a relationship and they're just testing the waters, so they may not fully be in the headspace to date. In other cases you got people who have been on the apps for so long, they do it on a low hum to maintain their sanity, so they check their messages very infrequently.
So it's important not to take it personally if you match and a conversation never really gets going. Just getting a coherent conversation going on the dating apps requires overcoming a lot of odds that are completely out of your control.
Looking at old messages was a mistake 🥲
How does someone go from sending:
"idk what you've done to me, I was going through an independent I don't need a boyfriend stage to thinking about you all day at work and smiling at my phone. Cuddles before work this morning were so nice 🥰🥰🥰"
and
"Not sure what I did to deserve you"
to
"I've been thinking for a while that I just haven't been feeling a connection"
and
"you should move on because I don't know when I'll be feeling ok and I can't even say I'll want to get back together when I do so you should just find someone else who makes you happy"
so quickly?
Mourning the future I thought I had is just so hard.
I'm seeing a GP tomorrow to make a mental health plan. I'm going to do therapy of my own to try and properly process this.
How does someone go from sending:
"idk what you've done to me, I was going through an independent I don't need a boyfriend stage to thinking about you all day at work and smiling at my phone. Cuddles before work this morning were so nice 🥰🥰🥰"
and
"Not sure what I did to deserve you"
to
"I've been thinking for a while that I just haven't been feeling a connection"
and
"you should move on because I don't know when I'll be feeling ok and I can't even say I'll want to get back together when I do so you should just find someone else who makes you happy"
so quickly?
Mourning the future I thought I had is just so hard.
I'm seeing a GP tomorrow to make a mental health plan. I'm going to do therapy of my own to try and properly process this.
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that heartbreak that destroys your understanding of how 2 humans can relate to each other is reality-shifting. I envy people that havent felt it, but am happy i have. Good luck.
Feeling a little crushed right now. An old friend and I started reconnecting earlier this year. There were signs over the years that she was interested, but I must've misinterpreted. We've had a great time hanging out this year so I asked her out today, but she just wants to stay friends.
My last relationship ended almost 5 years ago, and I really just want to move on, but it's been nothing but bad luck since. It's really rough when something gives you that little bit of hope that the losing streak will finally be over, just to get hit with another L.
I'll be fine, but I'll definitely be bummed out for a bit. I just hope I didn't lose a friend too because things might be awkward now.
My last relationship ended almost 5 years ago, and I really just want to move on, but it's been nothing but bad luck since. It's really rough when something gives you that little bit of hope that the losing streak will finally be over, just to get hit with another L.
I'll be fine, but I'll definitely be bummed out for a bit. I just hope I didn't lose a friend too because things might be awkward now.
I just had a first date with a lady last night. Really smart, ivy-league educated, works in social justice, good sense of humor, open-minded and conversational, very thoughtful.
Thing is, shes into hallucinogens, and maybe other drugs. shes going to a "mini burning man" this weekend with her friends where they'll probably just get all fucked up.
I feel like I want to bounce this off of other people - I don't like drugs. I think they make people boring and are disassociative and while they give people peace, hallucinogens especially, I think they shave off parts of your ego - the thing that makes you "you" over time. I have a few friends that go hard on drug use, and I've seen where it gets really dark and depressing.
I feel like this is a legit personal boundary/preference with potential partners, but judging on how shes able to seemingly keep it together, i dunno if how i'm perceiving our lifestyles to be incongruent makes sense or is fair.
she uses mushrooms in her therapeutic practice with her new therapist - calls it something like family-something-or-other therapy. Paging Messofanego for any thoughts on the legitimacy of hallucinogenics in the therapy world... or am i thinking about going on a second date with someone in a cult?
Why is there always SOMETHING? lol. We had a really fun and active date besides my worries in this category.
I think it's amazing you shot your shot. Many people in your position just live with regret. Take the friendship slow and dont act needy or that you're worried about it. let it simmer for a bit and reach back out like nothing has changed in a few weeks or so
Thing is, shes into hallucinogens, and maybe other drugs. shes going to a "mini burning man" this weekend with her friends where they'll probably just get all fucked up.
I feel like I want to bounce this off of other people - I don't like drugs. I think they make people boring and are disassociative and while they give people peace, hallucinogens especially, I think they shave off parts of your ego - the thing that makes you "you" over time. I have a few friends that go hard on drug use, and I've seen where it gets really dark and depressing.
I feel like this is a legit personal boundary/preference with potential partners, but judging on how shes able to seemingly keep it together, i dunno if how i'm perceiving our lifestyles to be incongruent makes sense or is fair.
she uses mushrooms in her therapeutic practice with her new therapist - calls it something like family-something-or-other therapy. Paging Messofanego for any thoughts on the legitimacy of hallucinogenics in the therapy world... or am i thinking about going on a second date with someone in a cult?
Why is there always SOMETHING? lol. We had a really fun and active date besides my worries in this category.
I think it's amazing you shot your shot. Many people in your position just live with regret. Take the friendship slow and dont act needy or that you're worried about it. let it simmer for a bit and reach back out like nothing has changed in a few weeks or so
I'm guessing this is psilocybin therapy? Used for depression or some other mental health conditions. But it's still very new, and not sure it's been approved for use yet. Also, I don't know if this person is using the mushrooms during the therapy session, or is prescribed them from a psychiatrist? Since you're in USA, I'm pretty sure it's not approved as of yet, but it is in Australia to be given for depression by a psychiatrist. If it's medicinal use rather than recreational or addictive, it doesn't seem so bad. It's up to you, if you don't feel comfortable, then don't force it, but maybe worth getting more information?
Thanks for the insight. Just asked her if she wants to hang out again. Who knows, maybe she thought I was a knucklehead :)
More info is needed!
Edit: not a fit for her. glad ive gotten over the hump of feeling like i need to text nice stuff back to people after a rejection.
Dating fucking sucks.
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I'll give a little update.
The girl I'm seeing we're officially in a situationship right now. I enjoy her company, but there are a couple of areas that just aren't where I need them to be for a relationship. I've communicated this to her, so I'm not stringing her along or anything. There are some things she wants to work on herself and wants me to be patient. I'm honestly not in a rush, so I'm fine with maintaining a holding pattern and see how things develop.
So I had been mostly avoiding the coffee shop for the last 4-5 months after things seemed to get stuck in the mud with coffee girl last winter. But the other day I thought it was finally safe to go back. And when I went to pickup my order, she was literally right there at the pickup counter 🙃 And it seemed like she saw my name on the computer and was waiting for me. Because my order still wasn't ready and she took off her headset to talk to me, lol. She was very enthusiastic and asking about me and what i had been up to. I talked a bit about my work and she seemed very interested. She said her cousin would be very interested in what I do and seemed waiting for me to say something, so I gave her my business card. So she now finally has my contact info, lol. The whole thing took me by surprise, but we'll see if anything comes from it. I thought the whole thing was done and dusted to be honest.
I've taken a few dance classes and yesterday after class I talked to the cutest girl in class about bouldering. I've never done bouldering before, but she's into it. By the end of the convo, she invited me to go bouldering with her friends when she gets back in town, and I got her phone number. I'm super excited about that because aside from being a confidence booster, it's great that I'm making connections that will extend beyond the dance class. Also there's a guy in the dance class that we may be FIFA buddies. Cool guy, so we may end up doing some gaming together. It's just so refreshing meeting people in the real world in a consistent setting that allows for organic connections. Barely a month of dance classes has accomplished more than I did with a year of sporadic Meetup events.
The girl I'm seeing we're officially in a situationship right now. I enjoy her company, but there are a couple of areas that just aren't where I need them to be for a relationship. I've communicated this to her, so I'm not stringing her along or anything. There are some things she wants to work on herself and wants me to be patient. I'm honestly not in a rush, so I'm fine with maintaining a holding pattern and see how things develop.
So I had been mostly avoiding the coffee shop for the last 4-5 months after things seemed to get stuck in the mud with coffee girl last winter. But the other day I thought it was finally safe to go back. And when I went to pickup my order, she was literally right there at the pickup counter 🙃 And it seemed like she saw my name on the computer and was waiting for me. Because my order still wasn't ready and she took off her headset to talk to me, lol. She was very enthusiastic and asking about me and what i had been up to. I talked a bit about my work and she seemed very interested. She said her cousin would be very interested in what I do and seemed waiting for me to say something, so I gave her my business card. So she now finally has my contact info, lol. The whole thing took me by surprise, but we'll see if anything comes from it. I thought the whole thing was done and dusted to be honest.
I've taken a few dance classes and yesterday after class I talked to the cutest girl in class about bouldering. I've never done bouldering before, but she's into it. By the end of the convo, she invited me to go bouldering with her friends when she gets back in town, and I got her phone number. I'm super excited about that because aside from being a confidence booster, it's great that I'm making connections that will extend beyond the dance class. Also there's a guy in the dance class that we may be FIFA buddies. Cool guy, so we may end up doing some gaming together. It's just so refreshing meeting people in the real world in a consistent setting that allows for organic connections. Barely a month of dance classes has accomplished more than I did with a year of sporadic Meetup events.
I've had my Hinge paused while I get some fresh photos and am in a clearer headspace a couple weeks from now.
I was chatting to the three new matches I'd gotten though. This one girl is like, REALLY pretty, in like a down to earth, genuine kind of way. We were just chatting about pets and stuff, but she takes like 24 hours to reply and I get one message a day, so last night I added to the daily message whether she would want to grab a coffee or drink when it fits her schedule, so I could get to know her a bit late way, and she's now replied 24 hours later asking if a coffee tomorrow morning works (it's 7:30pm here). I'm absolutely going to go for that but also I need more notice to mentally prepare 😂
Idk how ready I am but I also feel like a new girl I vibe with will help me get past this last traumatic breakup. I suppose we will see.
I was chatting to the three new matches I'd gotten though. This one girl is like, REALLY pretty, in like a down to earth, genuine kind of way. We were just chatting about pets and stuff, but she takes like 24 hours to reply and I get one message a day, so last night I added to the daily message whether she would want to grab a coffee or drink when it fits her schedule, so I could get to know her a bit late way, and she's now replied 24 hours later asking if a coffee tomorrow morning works (it's 7:30pm here). I'm absolutely going to go for that but also I need more notice to mentally prepare 😂
Idk how ready I am but I also feel like a new girl I vibe with will help me get past this last traumatic breakup. I suppose we will see.
Let's fucking go! Well done on taking the initiative on asking for a date. You'll need more practice and time with dates to be able to move on mentally from the breakup. Do all your mental prep now, but also don't put much expectations. You're just getting to know someone. Be friendly, maybe flirt a little if you feel like it or are attracted in-person, and just try to have fun. Like after coffee, if you're sensing a connection, ask if she would be open for a walk or some other way to hang out for longer. You got this!
Thanks! Date is scheduled for three hours from now.
I have work later today so no big extended date, just want to see how we vibe together in person.
If it goes well, we get along, similar values etc then I'll definitely look at dinner/drinks or something for a second date where we can spend more time together.
Or if it's a bad date with no follow up I'll just say it's practice 😌
Date went well. Sat in the cafe for pretty much bang on an hour.
She seems really nice and down to earth, if a little shy/awkward. Spoke mostly about pets, jobs, hobbies. She's recently gotten into house plants (propagation etc) and reviving old furniture she's picked up off the side of the road which are some neat hobbies!
I definitely haven't come away from it feeling as enthusiastic as I did with the first date with my recent ex (where we basically both got home and messaged each other simultaneously how much we enjoyed ourselves and wanted to see one another again), but I don't want to compare people too much and I'd definitely be willing to have a second date and see how it grows.
She seems really nice and down to earth, if a little shy/awkward. Spoke mostly about pets, jobs, hobbies. She's recently gotten into house plants (propagation etc) and reviving old furniture she's picked up off the side of the road which are some neat hobbies!
I definitely haven't come away from it feeling as enthusiastic as I did with the first date with my recent ex (where we basically both got home and messaged each other simultaneously how much we enjoyed ourselves and wanted to see one another again), but I don't want to compare people too much and I'd definitely be willing to have a second date and see how it grows.
Hey dude this post randomly popped into my head (good job weird brain)
Glad things are going well on all fronts.
Wanted to throw out the idea - the girl youre seeing - whats the chance of you accepting her as a person while at the same time, in each moment you need a certain behavior from her, you stop and check in if you really personally need it or its just old stuff cropping back up? And if you do need it, just ask for it in the moment?
I always wonder how life would be now if i did that with more past partners.
Not really advice, moreso just a curiosity. Keep it up :)
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That's definitely a good mental check to do. Early on I probably was measuring her next to a checklist of my ex. But as things progressed I was focusing more on whether core needs were being met for me to feel comfortable and happy in an exclusive committed relationship even as we still worked on things. For example, it may sound like something small, but for me it's important to have a partner that regularly asks about the things I'm doing unprompted and cheers me on. I always do this with my partners and even just the people I'm dating. if they're saying they're doing an activity, I follow-up, encourage, ask questions etc. So when I have a partner that reciprocates this, it just feels great. I feel like there's someone who actually cares about me and it's not just one-sided where I'm just talking about what they're doing. So for a committed relationship, this is a core need for me. Unfortunately the girl I was seeing, she was pretty inconsistent on this. Occasionally she would ask about what was going on with me, but sometimes it would literally be over a week where she would ask something specific about how I was doing. This would often coincide when she was feeling overwhelmed with things in her life, which made me think perhaps she wasn't in the best headspace for a committed relationship at the moment.
....which brings me to this update.
...I haven't heard from her in about 5 days. She's been working the night shift lately and usually she would get pretty distant, especially after the 3-4 night. Then after a day or two of rest, she would get more responsive and mostly return to normal. Except this time in the middle of last week, the last day of her night shift she sent a single text saying she was completely out of it and that was the last text I got from her. All phone calls have gone directly to voice mail. I don't have any other contact information, which now I regret that we didn't at least exchange emails or something. I don't know exactly where she lives because she lives fairly far away and I usually pick her up in the middle. I talked to one of her friends before, but I don't know their contact info either. I do know where she works, but I don't want to sound alarms or cause trouble for her at work if there's nothing wrong. I haven't heard from her in 5 days though, which is definitely unusual. Since we have been dating seriously, the longest gap was about 2 days.
Just not sure what I should do. In terms of dating, this probably ends things for me because if she's in crisis, now is not the time to date, and if she's just been ignoring me for 5 days, that's not good either. I'm primarily concerned about her wellness though. She has a strained relationship with her family and she doesn't have many friends out here and she has struggled with depression in the past. Also her night shift has her walking through rough parts of downtown at night on the way home, so there's that too. I just don''t know how hard I should push to see if she's okay or just take a step back and see if she resurfaces. There is also the possibility she lost her phone and could explain why she's gone completely dark.
What do you guys think?
I think the odds of her losing her phone or getting into trouble are very low.
The reality is that she's just focusing on work and probably a bit of a mess, especially on night shift, and she's just put you on the back burner.
You just have to weigh up if that's something you can handle from someone you're seeing and if not, you may need to communicate it. But she probably won't change, and you can't make someone who you want them to be, which is rich coming from me 😂
I think the other part of it is that you are consciously withholding commitment from her until she is able to meet your criteria. Some people are okay with a situationship but a lot of people aren't. She might just want more than you do and since you are making efforts to meet other people and do other things, she's also prioritizing other things too.
That's not to say you were doing anything wrong by wanting what you wanted! You were open and transparent and communicated and you are building a rich and full life for yourself.
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Doing my best to avoid messaging my ex right now 😅
We have had next to no contact for 2 weeks now after that convo we had where she said she had no timeline of when she will feel better and ready to date again and that I should try and move on and find someone else that makes me happy (next to none as there's been a couple of random snapchats here and there, she replied to one I sent her a few days ago INSTANTLY, so maybe she is starting to miss me?).
I sent the last message that other night and also a follow up a day later she didn't reply to, so I don't want to add another message to that pile, even if it's 2 weeks between them, but I also just want to ask her how she's going and touch base and just small talk with her 🥲
That said, one of my other Hinge matches messaged me last night and apologised for being bad at checking the app and asked to text instead, and now we might be getting a drink Sunday night?
Vibe I get from her is casual relationship/hookup which is probably exactly what I need right now, rather than the other girl I got a coffee with who seems more interested in a partner which may be too much for me right now.
Going 2/3 for matches leading to dates for that brief period I had my account unpaused is a confidence boost at least. Weirdly enough the third one seemed the most enthusiastic and messaged me first but then stopped replying after a few messages, though maybe she'll turn up again too haha.
We have had next to no contact for 2 weeks now after that convo we had where she said she had no timeline of when she will feel better and ready to date again and that I should try and move on and find someone else that makes me happy (next to none as there's been a couple of random snapchats here and there, she replied to one I sent her a few days ago INSTANTLY, so maybe she is starting to miss me?).
I sent the last message that other night and also a follow up a day later she didn't reply to, so I don't want to add another message to that pile, even if it's 2 weeks between them, but I also just want to ask her how she's going and touch base and just small talk with her 🥲
That said, one of my other Hinge matches messaged me last night and apologised for being bad at checking the app and asked to text instead, and now we might be getting a drink Sunday night?
Vibe I get from her is casual relationship/hookup which is probably exactly what I need right now, rather than the other girl I got a coffee with who seems more interested in a partner which may be too much for me right now.
Going 2/3 for matches leading to dates for that brief period I had my account unpaused is a confidence boost at least. Weirdly enough the third one seemed the most enthusiastic and messaged me first but then stopped replying after a few messages, though maybe she'll turn up again too haha.
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I honestly hope it's just her needing to move on rather than something bad happening. And yes, I would totally understand if she suddenly decided to end things due to a lack of commitment. In a conversation a couple of weeks ago, I asked if she wanted to end things since I wasn't ready to move forward but she wanted us to keep seeing each other and see how things develop. Perhaps she changed her mind, which I definitely understand.
Oh that's totally normal! We often are able to give good advice, but we seem to struggle to take our own advice, lol. That's why this thread is so helpful to have others help us get out of our heads a bit and regain perspective.
Also I wasn't trying to change her. And that was probably why I wasn't ready to move forward. I knew I had to accept what she was at face value and for a committed relationship, there was just one too many missing pieces for me to feel comfortable and secure.
That said, I think in a healthy relationship we all modulate our behaviors a little bit to compromise with our partners and make them happy. Things like putting a little extra effort in doing certain chores or spending some time with their friends, or whatever. You shouldn't expect someone to completely change for you, but an attentive partner should be able to listen and hopefully be responsive to small things that are important to you and vice versa. That's the difference between being single and being in a relationship.
I did end up messaging my ex 🥲
Just asked how she was doing and that I miss her. 6 hours later and no reply, oops.
Genuinely thought she would reply as she replied to my Snapchat the other day about me having a week of leave asking what I was up to and we sent a couple back and forths…
I was hoping to be able to ask a follow up about whether she's booked in therapy and where, as I want to do therapy myself and would like to avoid going to the same clinic seeing we live in the same area and have similar midweek days off…
Ah well. I'll book it in tomorrow and hope I don't see her there as I am definitely depressed and need to see someone about it.
Also messaged my Hinge date from the other day this morning with definitive plans for dinner tomorrow night as we'd agreed to do it and the night but hadn't locked in the specifics… and she also hasn't replied. Messaged at 11:30am and it's 7:45pm now. So, uh, we'll see what happens there. Might reply any minute…
Edit; she did just reply and ask if we can reschedule to Saturday. So I guess she had something come up she needed to finalise first before she replied.
The third Hinge match messaged me though after 3 days silence haha, so that's something. Good, enthusiastic message too. I hate playing games with texting but I never know how quick I should reply back when someone takes that long…
Just asked how she was doing and that I miss her. 6 hours later and no reply, oops.
Genuinely thought she would reply as she replied to my Snapchat the other day about me having a week of leave asking what I was up to and we sent a couple back and forths…
I was hoping to be able to ask a follow up about whether she's booked in therapy and where, as I want to do therapy myself and would like to avoid going to the same clinic seeing we live in the same area and have similar midweek days off…
Ah well. I'll book it in tomorrow and hope I don't see her there as I am definitely depressed and need to see someone about it.
Also messaged my Hinge date from the other day this morning with definitive plans for dinner tomorrow night as we'd agreed to do it and the night but hadn't locked in the specifics… and she also hasn't replied. Messaged at 11:30am and it's 7:45pm now. So, uh, we'll see what happens there. Might reply any minute…
Edit; she did just reply and ask if we can reschedule to Saturday. So I guess she had something come up she needed to finalise first before she replied.
The third Hinge match messaged me though after 3 days silence haha, so that's something. Good, enthusiastic message too. I hate playing games with texting but I never know how quick I should reply back when someone takes that long…
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Dont message, just leave it be, no good can come from it.
Its telling that you're putting bias onto circumstantial outcomes- wondering if shes missing you from reading a snapchat quickly. She might have already been on the app, she might have clicked the notification as it popped up when she was pressing something else. Applying these thoughts only tends to build ourselves up to false hope, and makes it harder to accept and move on.
I get it, I've been there and done it myself- so its definately coming from a place of love, and perspective. You're still grieving for the loss of the relationship, and thats okay. But try to be mindful of setting your expectations in that manner, because it can quickly undo your work, and set you back a few steps. For instance, you build yourself up with these little thoughts, thinking things might change, and then when they dont- it can set you to spiral a bit and make it more difficult for yourself in the future.
As someone in a position thats done this before (and after a 10 year relationship) the best thing I can recommend for you, is accept its over, and let yourself grieve and deal with that however difficult it may be. We never know what the future might hold, and if your assumption is true- leaving her be and living your best life is the best thing you can do either way.
Edit: Adding to this, re-reading it sound cold/callous- its really not meant to be. Ive been there and know how hard it is, and im 100% feeling you and understanding you, and all the above is said with love and compassion.
argh, you'd already messaged before my above :(
Yeah, similar vain- I think you need to leave it be here. Shes making herself clear to you by not replying, and asking about if shes going to therapy and where - it could come across as trailing her/pressuring her to do it to get back together, and saying you want it too could come across as looking for reasons to talk.
If she did/does have any residual unresolved feelings, you're kind of shooting yourself in the foot with every message you send, as you dont want to make her uncomfortable everytime she sees a message from you.
My advice as above, just leave it be and let it go. Go live your life, and however hard it is, accept it wont be with her- but thats okay, there will be better things on the horizon, whether it seems that way right now or not.
On the dating front- online dating is hard. I went into it after 10 years FAR too soon, and the kind of comments you're making, sound similar to the ones I did. Really ask yourself if thats what you want to be doing right now. And if you do want a casual fling- make that clear on your bio. Thats okay too!
Dont get yourself bogged down in the serious dating drama too soon, when you arent quite ready yet, you'll only end up making yourself more down when you experience the poor behaviours of other people, or things dont work out and you're not in the right headspace to cope.
Yeah after her not responding to such a minor message just asking how she is I am definitely not going to contact again, that's that I suppose.
I'm not getting too invested, and my profile says I'm looking for short term. I think that putting myself out there and enjoying myself a bit will help me, even if it is just filling a void.
Once I get therapy started and work on any anxiety and depression issues I think it'll make a big change in properly moving on from this breakup.
Edit: My ex actually did reply! Just took her 7 hours haha.
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Also add breakup issues to your therapy. You're finding it difficult to move on, and you're still one foot in the previous relationship by checking up on her and expecting back and forth comms which goes back to you initiating more and that leads to inequality, even as a friend. This just likely frustrates you, as you've mentioned the exact duration between messages. I don't think continuing to talk to her is helping you move on. Hope your dates go well!
Started talking to someone last week and we're hitting it off pretty well. Granted, there are things that can, will and do spell trouble.
-Lives 2 hours away
-Separated from his wife 3 years ago. Has a son.
-Was in a 2ish year relationship with a guy who was using his own insecurities to make for an unhappy relationship.
-Part of him wants a relationship, part of him is also afraid to hurt anyone and also jump into something so soon. And another part wants to take time for himself.
Early on in our talks he communicated that he didn't know if he was ready for something serious. I respect that and was not expecting anything to happen. As the chemistry and conversation continued he started saying and doing things that would heavily go into the "I want more with you" camp. Things like getting a cabin together, trips to disney one day, telling me he's thinking of me or getting butterflies when I compliment him. We're on facetime nearly every day, we both bought Sea of Thieves to play together. Its just been absolutely great getting to know him. In the last few days i've been reciprocating more of his gestures and affection and I noticed that it affected him differently. He brought this up last night and we spoke about it at length. We both admitted to getting a little lost in the sauce, and while he's scared of jumping into something there's still a part of him that wants more. I affirmed for him that we should focus on getting to know one another, there's no pressure to make it more than it needs to be. I mean to me I'm either making a really cool friend I occasionally bump uglies with or chemistry could take us somewhere more serious.
I say this knowing full well it could be a disaster too. The main thing I'm trying to keep in front of me are my own boundaries. If the feels happen we can address them and adjust the dynamic as needed. Hopefully I don't regret it.
On the local front its just been hit or miss. I'm probably going to shut down the apps and reset them in a month or two as they feel a little exhausted, as am I. Even though I've slowed myself down a fair bit on how I progress it can still be annoying to have a first date followed by shifting behavior and then the eventual "I'm overwhelmed/not ready for dating/mah mental health journey". Like, its so refreshing when someone has a balls to just say "hey I didn't feel a match" rather than shift the blame to something they heard on tiktok.
I know part of it is being more aware of avoidant/anxious behavior. I've heard the line "I'm afraid i'm gonna hurt you" 3-4 times in the last few months? Being slapped with red flags is my kink I suppose. But that's what the dating pool feels like lately, and with me being the common denominator I can't help but look inward in see what else is there I can work on.
-Lives 2 hours away
-Separated from his wife 3 years ago. Has a son.
-Was in a 2ish year relationship with a guy who was using his own insecurities to make for an unhappy relationship.
-Part of him wants a relationship, part of him is also afraid to hurt anyone and also jump into something so soon. And another part wants to take time for himself.
Early on in our talks he communicated that he didn't know if he was ready for something serious. I respect that and was not expecting anything to happen. As the chemistry and conversation continued he started saying and doing things that would heavily go into the "I want more with you" camp. Things like getting a cabin together, trips to disney one day, telling me he's thinking of me or getting butterflies when I compliment him. We're on facetime nearly every day, we both bought Sea of Thieves to play together. Its just been absolutely great getting to know him. In the last few days i've been reciprocating more of his gestures and affection and I noticed that it affected him differently. He brought this up last night and we spoke about it at length. We both admitted to getting a little lost in the sauce, and while he's scared of jumping into something there's still a part of him that wants more. I affirmed for him that we should focus on getting to know one another, there's no pressure to make it more than it needs to be. I mean to me I'm either making a really cool friend I occasionally bump uglies with or chemistry could take us somewhere more serious.
I say this knowing full well it could be a disaster too. The main thing I'm trying to keep in front of me are my own boundaries. If the feels happen we can address them and adjust the dynamic as needed. Hopefully I don't regret it.
On the local front its just been hit or miss. I'm probably going to shut down the apps and reset them in a month or two as they feel a little exhausted, as am I. Even though I've slowed myself down a fair bit on how I progress it can still be annoying to have a first date followed by shifting behavior and then the eventual "I'm overwhelmed/not ready for dating/mah mental health journey". Like, its so refreshing when someone has a balls to just say "hey I didn't feel a match" rather than shift the blame to something they heard on tiktok.
I know part of it is being more aware of avoidant/anxious behavior. I've heard the line "I'm afraid i'm gonna hurt you" 3-4 times in the last few months? Being slapped with red flags is my kink I suppose. But that's what the dating pool feels like lately, and with me being the common denominator I can't help but look inward in see what else is there I can work on.
Man, I really have no idea what's going on with me and dating this year. It's like everyone I go out with is too busy to text in a somewhat timely manner/go on dates. I swear it's been almost every person for me in 2024.
I know some people could just not be interested, but some of these women are sending me like essay-long responses about how busy they are. If they didn't want to see me, they could just give me a simple "not interested" response (or ghost, I guess). Hopefully I'll break out of this and find someone with time before the year is over.
I know some people could just not be interested, but some of these women are sending me like essay-long responses about how busy they are. If they didn't want to see me, they could just give me a simple "not interested" response (or ghost, I guess). Hopefully I'll break out of this and find someone with time before the year is over.
You have been having a rough go of it! I remember you saying in January about this with such busy people you're coming across:
But yeah, it's better to be told they're not interested. If Brad Pitt wanted to make plans with them, they would likely drop everything to arrange a date. Wishing you find more available people to match with!
i always like posting my updates, if i think back on the journey ive had with my dating life the past 3-4 years ive been active here, its crazy.
Im done for now. I havent met someone im stoked about in 6-9 months, and everyone ive dated in the past 1.25 years hasnt been interested or they've gotten crazy cold feet and noped out leaving scorched earth behind.
Something inside of me is showing on the outside and its repellent to these women. Im asking my last date for feedback.
After therapy yesterday ive decided to actually let go. Ive been extremely angry, stopping myself short of throwing glasses, punching stuff, screaming in frustration. Im internalizing rejection, and feeling short, ugly, too excitable, too boring, not daddy material. Seeing people in relationships in songs, tv, movies, have been making me cry or want to hate myself. And you dont have to watch or listen to many of them to realize its everywhere, lol.
Ive put life on hold, in big and small ways, since i reached sexual maturity to "find my person" or to "leave space for the one" or "be sad because something didn't work out" or "i didnt have prospects". I can honestly say that i dont know what i am outside of my search for a partner.
Coming to these realizations, i had the best sleep in 4 years last night.
I reached out to a church choir to sing, a farmers market to volunteer and help the growers, and thinking about applying for a part-time design and animation professorship at the local community college. Its a lot in a small period of time, but LFG, you know?
I havent even travelled for long periods of time because im like "i dont want to waste momentum in dating and LA stuff". Gonna take a corvette road trip around the northeastern seaboard cuz i like seafood and green trees.
Ill link to my dumb blog or something if i ever want to capture the progress. Theres a lot inside of me that ive muted or put on hold. I dont wanna miss out on this incredible and lucky life ive been gifted.
Im done for now. I havent met someone im stoked about in 6-9 months, and everyone ive dated in the past 1.25 years hasnt been interested or they've gotten crazy cold feet and noped out leaving scorched earth behind.
Something inside of me is showing on the outside and its repellent to these women. Im asking my last date for feedback.
After therapy yesterday ive decided to actually let go. Ive been extremely angry, stopping myself short of throwing glasses, punching stuff, screaming in frustration. Im internalizing rejection, and feeling short, ugly, too excitable, too boring, not daddy material. Seeing people in relationships in songs, tv, movies, have been making me cry or want to hate myself. And you dont have to watch or listen to many of them to realize its everywhere, lol.
Ive put life on hold, in big and small ways, since i reached sexual maturity to "find my person" or to "leave space for the one" or "be sad because something didn't work out" or "i didnt have prospects". I can honestly say that i dont know what i am outside of my search for a partner.
Coming to these realizations, i had the best sleep in 4 years last night.
I reached out to a church choir to sing, a farmers market to volunteer and help the growers, and thinking about applying for a part-time design and animation professorship at the local community college. Its a lot in a small period of time, but LFG, you know?
I havent even travelled for long periods of time because im like "i dont want to waste momentum in dating and LA stuff". Gonna take a corvette road trip around the northeastern seaboard cuz i like seafood and green trees.
Ill link to my dumb blog or something if i ever want to capture the progress. Theres a lot inside of me that ive muted or put on hold. I dont wanna miss out on this incredible and lucky life ive been gifted.
Thanks, definitely been a weird year in a lot of ways. Just kind of annoying because I can't even exactly filter out these people. Before the first date I went on with the most recent woman I went out with, she told me she didn't have much going on that weekend. I was like "oh nice, finally someone who's not constantly busy". That didn't last long! The door technically isn't closed on a third date since she said at the end of her very long message that she's hoping to have her plans figured out in a day or two, but I'm not pursuing it anymore and just assuming it's done.
Maybe I should be following your lead... Sounds like you have a lot of interesting things lined up.
Could I recommend listening to music without lyrics? I've definitely been there (why are so many songs about love damn it!) and it helps to listen to something that you can interpret as anything you want.
Thanks, this'll prly help. i am cursed with listening to every lyric of every song. been singing for too long, lol.