Today at work, I somehow began thinking about my own mortality, how fragile life is, and how no matter what precautions I take, death is inevitable all the same. The thoughts started off simple, but began to get deeper and deeper.
Will I be ready? Will I be satisfied with the life I've lived? Will I know it's happening? Will it be sudden and without warning? Will my loved ones be there with me when I go? Will my children live long and fulfilling lives?
Then, I delved into the scariest of all death related thoughts; non existence. Now, most common conversations about non existence will usually turn to "it will be like before you were born" which I guess is a nice way of thinking about it... Only I never had to face that reality; I've only faced the reality of being alive, with an unknown expiration date. The thoughts of the inevitability of non existence shook me all the way down to my fucking core today. I was visibly shaken and had to divert my thoughts to something else while escaping to the backroom to collect myself. The subject has lingered in my mind the remainder of today.
Normally I'm good at blocking these thoughts and accepting it as a fact of life. Today, I felt the most vulnerable I've ever been.
Will I be ready? Will I be satisfied with the life I've lived? Will I know it's happening? Will it be sudden and without warning? Will my loved ones be there with me when I go? Will my children live long and fulfilling lives?
Then, I delved into the scariest of all death related thoughts; non existence. Now, most common conversations about non existence will usually turn to "it will be like before you were born" which I guess is a nice way of thinking about it... Only I never had to face that reality; I've only faced the reality of being alive, with an unknown expiration date. The thoughts of the inevitability of non existence shook me all the way down to my fucking core today. I was visibly shaken and had to divert my thoughts to something else while escaping to the backroom to collect myself. The subject has lingered in my mind the remainder of today.
Normally I'm good at blocking these thoughts and accepting it as a fact of life. Today, I felt the most vulnerable I've ever been.