I hate to make this thread about the suffering of "perpetrators" for lack of a better term, but I think the other side of the topic, #IDid if you will, is very important too and I would especially love to hear the perspective of women who have been victims of SA and SH in response to how men can become better and when apologies are appropriate. Perhaps I'm cynical but I believe many of the straight and bi men, even the wonderful ones here, expressing shock and despair at the number of #metoo statements have taken part in behavior that made a woman feel unsafe or offended or violated in some way, perhaps without even realizing it. Certainly a lot of the men that are being defensive about it should explore their past behavior even more so. I think many men feel the fear that their past behavior will be called out.
I can only speak for myself. I am now 27, someone who largely keeps to themselves and has zero tolerance for any mistreatment of women, and I honestly can't think of a time in which I noticeably crossed a boundary since I entered my 20s (not that this is an accomplishment). Without being too specific, my biggest moral failing in life took place 10 years ago in my last year of high school with an ex girlfriend that I put into a very scary situation that to her seemed forceful, threatening and a violation of her bodily autonomy. At the time I felt ashamed and embarrassed, but I also rationalized that was no more than a minute of inexperienced drunken stupidity that was completely unintentional and from a place of obliviousness and ignorance and not aggression or selfishness. In fact, I was certain it was consensual until she rebuffed me at a point where she was already extremely uncomfortable, but back then all I knew of was "no means no", and I certainly never thought about alcohol in relation to consent and how it may have limited her ability to express her discomfort or my ability to see it. However, when I reflected on how she felt about the situation, I felt disgusted that I had essentially groped her in an unwanted way, but what was more shocking to me is to how oblivious I was to the threatening nature of the situation. I didn't think being with her alone was threatening. I didn't think of my 6'4 body as threatening. I felt sick about it once I considered the implications of her experience and it completely shocked me in a manner that (thankfully) dramatically impacted how I acted around women in college, before I understood the rape culture I had committed to combating.
I ended up apologizing to for the event again two years ago even though I had not seen her for eight years, both out of a hope to relieve any unresolved pain she might have surrounding that event and selfishly, to channel the severe anxiety and guilt that had taken a toll on me. I felt sick to my stomach when she mentioned she remembered it and that she thought it was a severe and scary situation that had stuck with her. However she also seemed genuinely appreciative of my apology and it seemed to be a relief to her for me to take responsibility and explain that while I didn't intend her any her harm to begin with, I have nonetheless corrected my behavior and committed to never making that kind of mistake ever again. Our messages ended amicably and she followed me on social media afterwards. Honestly the apology didn't make me feel much better (and honestly, who cares right?) because I will forever feel sick to my stomach that I caused someone to feel scared/violated in a lasting way, and when she posted an unspecific #metoo message the other day I was suicidal. But ultimately I felt it was absolutely the right thing to do based on the specifics of that situation, and I believe we are both healthier because of it.
However, I cant be sure that apologies are always appropriate. Part of it is always going to be self serving. The most important thing is to correct behavior and commit to it. Many, many men have and will continue to make these horrific decisions out of selfishness and inhumanity, but often they are out of ignorance and a lack of accountability that it is our duty to combat. I have seen the behavior I committed and far worse normalized within young, male-dominated cultures. Apologies can be very fruitful and healing for both parties, but they are between you and the person you harmed if you feel it will be helpful to them. Everything else must be bigger. I apologize if this post came across as self congratulatory or self-centered because I assure you I don't feel in any way content with how I have treated people and how victims are treated every day.