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TransEra |ERA1| We're People, Okay?
- Thread starter SweetNicole
- Start date
- OT
Hello everyone, my name is Autumn. I have been lurking for about 7 years now and finally decided to make an account and say hi. This thread (and its predecessor) has been with me through my realization of my own transness and helped me numerous times during periods of low self esteem and difficulties with going on at all.
I have been on HRT since December 2016 and have come out to family and friends. Friends were great, family... Well, they still talk to me, I guess. It doesn't bother me most of the time. I have been through laser on my face, and now electrolysis because white hair sucks.
I don't know what else to say to introduce myself, so hi, and I hope to join the discord soon.
I have been on HRT since December 2016 and have come out to family and friends. Friends were great, family... Well, they still talk to me, I guess. It doesn't bother me most of the time. I have been through laser on my face, and now electrolysis because white hair sucks.
I don't know what else to say to introduce myself, so hi, and I hope to join the discord soon.
Hi, welcome to Era! Glad you decided to post in here in particular. :)
Hi friends, I have been on HRT for six months now and I'm starting to be pretty happy with things are going. As someone who has struggled with severe BDD, it's been a blessing.
I used to wear a beard because I was disgusted any time I saw my face in a mirror. I am taking baby steps and things are trending upward to a point where I can actually look at parts of my body that need work (weight, mostly) and be inspired/positive enough to come up with a plan instead of spiralling further.
I used to wear a beard because I was disgusted any time I saw my face in a mirror. I am taking baby steps and things are trending upward to a point where I can actually look at parts of my body that need work (weight, mostly) and be inspired/positive enough to come up with a plan instead of spiralling further.
That's a great picture. I am happy you are starting to feel better about yourself and I hope it keeps improving.
It's a good feeling to able to look in the mirror and actually like what's there.
Happy Trans Day of Visibility!
Unfortunately not doing anything particularly exciting today (though we have family over, who I can fortunately present around), but it was brought to my attention that the entire Hbomberguy trans charity Twitch stream is on YouTube so I rewatched a bit of that last night. Trying to reflect on the positive things that have happened over the six-plus months since coming out, and the whole outpouring of positivity around that was really special.
Unfortunately not doing anything particularly exciting today (though we have family over, who I can fortunately present around), but it was brought to my attention that the entire Hbomberguy trans charity Twitch stream is on YouTube so I rewatched a bit of that last night. Trying to reflect on the positive things that have happened over the six-plus months since coming out, and the whole outpouring of positivity around that was really special.
Hi. It's my first time posting here.
I'd rather not write down my entire story yet another time, so I'm just gonna quote three r/AskTransgender posts of mine. They're quite long.. I'm sorry about that. The short summary is that I'm a MtF crossdresser who's questioning whether I'm trans or not.
This one is from ten months ago:
Title: "What am I? Where should I go from here? (Gender issues)"
The second one, from six months ago. It's mostly the same.
Title: "My dysphoria or whatever I have is getting worse."
And finally, the most recent one, from just two weeks ago.
Title: "I wish I was trans..?"
I'd rather not write down my entire story yet another time, so I'm just gonna quote three r/AskTransgender posts of mine. They're quite long.. I'm sorry about that. The short summary is that I'm a MtF crossdresser who's questioning whether I'm trans or not.
This one is from ten months ago:
Title: "What am I? Where should I go from here? (Gender issues)"
The second one, from six months ago. It's mostly the same.
Title: "My dysphoria or whatever I have is getting worse."
And finally, the most recent one, from just two weeks ago.
Title: "I wish I was trans..?"
*hugs*
I don't have much to say advice wise except definitely find a therapist you're comfortable with. That helped me immensely in the beginning.
No problem. I didn't mean to ask for advice; I just wanted to introduce myself.
And yes, finding a new therapist is long overdue..
I'm glad you felt up to introducing yourself here, Ambitious! Parts of your story ring true for me; I'd never dressed in women's clothes or presented femininely before coming out, but that feeling of being intimidating by transitioning but wishing I could be trans is very familiar. That said, it of course doesn't necessarily mean that you're trans. As I say a lot, only you can decide if that label is helpful for making sense of your own experience. If it's not, there are still a lot of other labels and identities relating to non-cis gender identities that you might find more descriptive and relevant to you. Genderfluidity is one. Anyway, I'm probably getting to lecture-y here, so I'll try to cut myself off. Best of luck, and if you feel up to it, I hope you'll keep us posted here! ^_^
Ambitious
I just want to address the part about transitioning and going full-time. Being trans doesn't have to mean EITHER of those things. If your goal is going full-time, great! If you want to stay closeted for 99% of the world, also great! You're still valid. And it's such a huge, scary step, that I can imagine the idea of going full-time when you're basically still on zero-time seems impossibly far away. I've been out of the closet (to myself) for almost a year and half, have only been on HRT for about 2 months, and I'm like... still me. My girlfriend and close family and friends know, of course, but most of the world doesn't. And so far I'm mostly fine with that. I'm just taking it one step at a time, to see what feels comfortable.
Don't focus so much on what feels possible or not right now. Focus on how you feel and what you want. A lot of your feelings sound very trans to me, but you're scared, which is natural. But if you wish you were born a woman? That sounds pretty trans. It doesn't have to be!
Also, you don't NEED dysphoria, or to hate being seen as a man, to be trans. That's some Suffering Trans narrative bs that gets peddled far too much. It could also mean you're not trans, but genderfluid, or bigender, or whatever.
None of this is meant to tell you how you should feel, it's just my 2 cents. I hope you figure it out.
I just want to address the part about transitioning and going full-time. Being trans doesn't have to mean EITHER of those things. If your goal is going full-time, great! If you want to stay closeted for 99% of the world, also great! You're still valid. And it's such a huge, scary step, that I can imagine the idea of going full-time when you're basically still on zero-time seems impossibly far away. I've been out of the closet (to myself) for almost a year and half, have only been on HRT for about 2 months, and I'm like... still me. My girlfriend and close family and friends know, of course, but most of the world doesn't. And so far I'm mostly fine with that. I'm just taking it one step at a time, to see what feels comfortable.
Don't focus so much on what feels possible or not right now. Focus on how you feel and what you want. A lot of your feelings sound very trans to me, but you're scared, which is natural. But if you wish you were born a woman? That sounds pretty trans. It doesn't have to be!
Also, you don't NEED dysphoria, or to hate being seen as a man, to be trans. That's some Suffering Trans narrative bs that gets peddled far too much. It could also mean you're not trans, but genderfluid, or bigender, or whatever.
None of this is meant to tell you how you should feel, it's just my 2 cents. I hope you figure it out.
Hay hay Ambitious
I feel I'm in a similar boat to yourself, and a lot of what you said resonates with my current experience (but not to the same intensity?? )
A couple years ago I started dressing myself with women's undies. I thought I was having fetishy fun at first, but I started trying on more girly stuff, including in public I began to realize "oh this ain't a fetish wtf"
I eventually became more comfortable with myself presenting in a gender-nonconforming way, where I'd feel bleh dressing more masculine (but I don't think is quite dysphoria? ) But I do feel when I see me dressed up, "thats me, that's the real me I didn't know existed omg", and this is a way I never felt before, and I don't even know if I can consider it cross dressing if I'm expressing "myself". And not just that, like you described, suddenly being popular and people complimenting you and finding you desirable, and the sudden confidence in myself to actually take selfies and share them, and I don't feel like I'm presenting a fake, dressed up showy version of me, it's just...me.
But at the same time I don't have any aspirations for womanhood or considering myself transfeminine, not meaning that in a self-deprecating "I will never pass" way, I just don't feel it fits me. I'm pretty alright with my male identity, though sometimes I feel I'd circumvent awkward situations if I took a feminine name and identity, but that wouldn't be true to myself. It's fine, I get called ma'am a lot and hold my tongue from "well actually-"ing unless I'm gonna have continued contact with this person :p I have also been asked what my pronouns are by a few people and I find that awesome.
I do sometimes worry when pondering if I'm cis/trans/enby that I'm imposing myself on those communities, but my friends in those spaces have been extremely supportive.
I'm m honestly amazed at the timing of your introduction and some weirdness about my own gender I experienced today. I'm in public with a cardigan, leggings and dress flats about to go into the men's restroom like normal and have the sudden thought "wtf am I sure this is the one I should go to??" I don't know why this though happened all of a sudden when dressing this way for over year.
But no matter what I find I can categorize myself as, I know I'm me and you're you too <3
Hope everything goes well, and don't let anything or anyone stop you <3
I feel I'm in a similar boat to yourself, and a lot of what you said resonates with my current experience (but not to the same intensity?? )
A couple years ago I started dressing myself with women's undies. I thought I was having fetishy fun at first, but I started trying on more girly stuff, including in public I began to realize "oh this ain't a fetish wtf"
I eventually became more comfortable with myself presenting in a gender-nonconforming way, where I'd feel bleh dressing more masculine (but I don't think is quite dysphoria? ) But I do feel when I see me dressed up, "thats me, that's the real me I didn't know existed omg", and this is a way I never felt before, and I don't even know if I can consider it cross dressing if I'm expressing "myself". And not just that, like you described, suddenly being popular and people complimenting you and finding you desirable, and the sudden confidence in myself to actually take selfies and share them, and I don't feel like I'm presenting a fake, dressed up showy version of me, it's just...me.
But at the same time I don't have any aspirations for womanhood or considering myself transfeminine, not meaning that in a self-deprecating "I will never pass" way, I just don't feel it fits me. I'm pretty alright with my male identity, though sometimes I feel I'd circumvent awkward situations if I took a feminine name and identity, but that wouldn't be true to myself. It's fine, I get called ma'am a lot and hold my tongue from "well actually-"ing unless I'm gonna have continued contact with this person :p I have also been asked what my pronouns are by a few people and I find that awesome.
I do sometimes worry when pondering if I'm cis/trans/enby that I'm imposing myself on those communities, but my friends in those spaces have been extremely supportive.
I'm m honestly amazed at the timing of your introduction and some weirdness about my own gender I experienced today. I'm in public with a cardigan, leggings and dress flats about to go into the men's restroom like normal and have the sudden thought "wtf am I sure this is the one I should go to??" I don't know why this though happened all of a sudden when dressing this way for over year.
But no matter what I find I can categorize myself as, I know I'm me and you're you too <3
Hope everything goes well, and don't let anything or anyone stop you <3
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Welcome to the thread.
Trans or gender fluid are all just labels in the end. And I don't think there are any hard qualifications to meet for you to use them. If you want to use them.
If you just want to live as a woman on the weekends that's ok too. Everything is ok.
Personally a lot of dysphoria I only recognized as such after I started to transition. Like not wanting photos taken or being annoyed my ps4 showed me my real name all the time. It didn't consciously feel like "I am a woman and that name is wrong". I just thought I dislike real names in games. Now that I changed my name there I have no more issues with it.
Just be yourself and do what feels right.
Just remember that labels are just that: labels. Labels don't always fit and at best they're an easy descriptor for how we feel. I struggled for years trying to fit into molds/labels but nothing ever fit for me. Just know that you are you, and you are valid. <3
Also, I guess I should mention that this is my first post here (and on Era in general). I know some people here but for those not in the know:
The name's Chel. I'm a non-binary/genderflux transfemme person and my pronouns are singular 'they' (they/them/theirs). I began transitioning six years ago, came out as non-binary in 2016, and recently adopted the label of "genderflux" because it describes my gender (or lack of gender) pretty accurately. Basically, I am agender, but I 'flux' to feeling female randomly (but never completely female).
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Whoa hi Chel welcome aboard :O
Edit: n-not that this is my ship to welcome people on
I-I'm just temp help
*dives into ocean*
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I just wanted to thank you for sharing your story. What you're going through is so complicated and beautiful and I hope you talk to a professional soon. I echo what others say here that rather than just get overwhelmed over the what you are, just hone in on how you are and feel. Whether you're simply breaking social stereotype or coming to terms with being a woman, we wish you well. Keep us in the loop on your discovery.
It's just labels, yes. Maybe I'm transgender, maybe I'm genderfluid, maybe I'm non-binary. I don't know. What I do know is that I'd give everything to be a beautiful woman, but this is probably not gonna happen.
It always comes back to my hair. Always. It's the one thing that hurts me the most. It's the thing that prevents me from even considering doing HRT or transitioning or whatever.
I do NOT want to live fulltime with a wig. I can't. I would feel like shit. But I'd have no other choice. My hairline has receded so far already, and my hair at the top of the head is so thin already.. Why haven't I taken any precautions against hair loss back then? I have fucking ruined my life. I've ruined it.
At the moment, I have a shaved head. This way, at least I look somewhat handsome as a guy. (Dressed up, I still wear wigs, of course)
The only option I have left is hair transplantation. I have visited a seemingly reputable hair clinic a few months ago, and they'd charge me €8000 only to fill the top of my head, without fixing the hairline. They would have fixed the hairline with a second procedure, which would probably cost a similar amount. I can't afford that. And after reading a few threads in an Alopecia forum, people seem to hate that clinic for several reasons. There's another clinic over in Hungary, but again, they seem to have a bad reputation, at least according to that forum.
It hurts so much. Recently, I saw a picture of Chelsea Manning. Her pixie haircut is so incredibly cute. I will never have that. Two weeks ago, I chatted with a young German trans woman on OKC. She's got gorgeous, long, blonde hair, and a sidecut. God, I am SO into sidecuts. But I will never have that. I know several trans women who already transitioned, and they ALL have beautiful hair. I know two who are currently transitioning and growing their hair out, and their hair looks so good already. I will never have that.
Unless I'm able to find an affordable hair clinic with a good reputation where I don't have to worry about them screwing up something, I will never have a full head of hair again. And thus, I will never transition and live fulltime. I will always stay a crossdresser and not dare to call me anything else. I just can't. It's too important for me. And I'll stop typing at this point because I'm already crying. Again.
I am sorry that you are in all this pain. It might not cheer you up but you would not be the first woman to rely on a wig.
And needing on does not make you less valid. Hair was also one of the reasons I waited with my transition for so long.
I hope you feel better soon.
Ambitious, I thought the same as you and Amevila, however I've been extremely happy with HRT in this regard. Granted, I don't know what yours is like, but here is a picture of my forehead before, one after, and one of my crown after. I did not keep any pictures of my crown when it was completely bald from hair loss, it was depressing. I am brand new to forums and haven't figured out images really yet, so here are some links.
https://imgur.com/a/Ii1XYVP
https://imgur.com/a/9iuprE3
The change is so drastic that before I came out to my dad, he asked me if I had gotten hair replacement surgery. It will never be perfect, I'll never have bangs, but it's far better than I could have hoped for. I was expecting to go the wig route. (Please keep in mind HRT works differently for everyone.)
I hope you are able to find something to make you happy in your dark times.
https://imgur.com/a/Ii1XYVP
https://imgur.com/a/9iuprE3
The change is so drastic that before I came out to my dad, he asked me if I had gotten hair replacement surgery. It will never be perfect, I'll never have bangs, but it's far better than I could have hoped for. I was expecting to go the wig route. (Please keep in mind HRT works differently for everyone.)
I hope you are able to find something to make you happy in your dark times.
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Transitioning is scary and I remember coming up with a million reasons to not transition myself in the beginning. I had thinning hair and it hasn't improved much even after years of HRT due to genetics but I have ways of hiding it and have no issues in daily life because of it. CIS women can have very thin hair to the point of baldness too. You have to accept you for you and not work from an idealized image of femininity.
If it is a stresser you could also look into things like like hair tattooing. Some trans women can really pull off The Sinead O'Connor look.
Ngl bald women = pretty cool
Nothing saying you can't pull that look off if you desired
On the other end a trans woman I'm acquainted with got a wig recently and it looks really dang natural and she's georgeous
Nothing saying you can't pull that look off if you desired
On the other end a trans woman I'm acquainted with got a wig recently and it looks really dang natural and she's georgeous
Definitely an improvement. Here's two pictures of me, the first from 2018, the second one from this year (before I shaved my head):
I don't want to be a bald woman.. I wouldn't feel comfortable at all :/
Could you maybe ask her where she got it? It's really time for me to replace my cheap-ass wigs.
It's not quite directed at me but I get mine from a local hairstylist who also carries wigs. I think they usually have a separate area/room where you can try them and they can adjust the cut to your preferences if desired..
I actually got a new one a few days ago.
My impression so far has also been that the main target demographic for this are cis women.
I have all of mine from Amazon. They're decent enough for going out (parties, clubs), but I wouldn't want to wear them all day.
It sounds like it's anecdotal, but the sooner after hair loss the better.
Heh, one of the thoughts when I was beginning to break out of my shell for real was that I'd rather transition than lose my hair.
My hairline started to recede about 5-7 years ago, so I shouldn't get my hopes up too much..
Well, what I'm hearing is usually that if it's within 10 years it may come back, but if it's later than that it's a lost cause. Well, they always say the best time to start was 10 years back, but the next best is right now, so if it's something you truly want to do you should explore that path and hope for the best.
What do you folks think about doing HRT without doing a social transition? I feel like this would be the perfect lifestyle for me:
On the one hand, I would experience the feminizing effects of HRT. So dressed up, I would be way more girly and beautiful.
On the other hand, I would not have to deal with the negative aspects of being a (trans) woman: I would not have to worry about being stared at, being called names, being harassed and whatnot.
So basically, I would mostly keep my current lifestyle: Living as a "guy" in everyday life, and dressing up for parties, clubs and stuff. The only thing which might be problematic is breast growth. I would have to hide them somehow, and I probably wouldn't dare going swimming as a guy anymore.
I'm not sure what to do if I did actually start HRT and it wouldn't grow back. I'd be devastated.
On the one hand, I would experience the feminizing effects of HRT. So dressed up, I would be way more girly and beautiful.
On the other hand, I would not have to deal with the negative aspects of being a (trans) woman: I would not have to worry about being stared at, being called names, being harassed and whatnot.
So basically, I would mostly keep my current lifestyle: Living as a "guy" in everyday life, and dressing up for parties, clubs and stuff. The only thing which might be problematic is breast growth. I would have to hide them somehow, and I probably wouldn't dare going swimming as a guy anymore.
I'm not sure what to do if I did actually start HRT and it wouldn't grow back. I'd be devastated.
That's basically what I've been doing, but I'm only 2 months into HRT. I'm out to friends and family, and obviously my girlfriend, but at work I still go by my deadname and present male. The goal is *eventually* going full-time, probably, but I don't even know what that means for me yet in terms of how I want to present. I don't think there's a roadmap for this stuff because you just don't know so many things: how HRT will affect you, how fast (or slow) changes occur, how you'll feel about how you want to present... It's perfectly fine and valid to not socially transition if you're not comfortable with it. And it sounds like you'd want the effects of HRT anyway. Personally I haven't experienced major downsides, but again, 2 months in, so it's far too early to tell long-term.
I've been on HRT a year, am out to my bosses, but not out to the public at large... still basically seen as a guy even though I kinda want people to at least hesitate or question. YMMV but you could probably do it, though you'd likely start wanting more if you're like me in that regard.
Yeah, I'm afraid the realistic outcome is some growback but not as much as you'd want. Which could still help!
Some, yes. A softer face, a more feminine figure, less/thinner body hair, more empathy. I want all of that.
On the other hand, I'm worried about potential detrimental effects to my sex life. Reduced libido, problems getting erections, and infertility. And there's also the thing that sex and orgasms in particular will feel different. Not sure what to think about that.
Well I hope so. This would make it so much easier.
Yeah. I don't know. If I can't pass without wearing a wig, I don't think it's worth it.
Almost all the effects of HRT are reversible (I think other than breast growth which takes a long time to start anyway) so if you don't like the changes you can always stop.
I'm personally happy with how it's affected my sex life - yes, things are different than they were before, but I can still get horny when I want to and the way my body reacts is much more satisfying than it ever used to be. If you're worried about infertility you can visit a fertility clinic and freeze sperm before starting HRT.
Regarding dysphoria etc, I was in a similar boat to you. I didn't mind presenting as an (unattractive) guy. I had fantasies of being a girl, but that's just harmless fantasy, right?
The thing is: cis men don't exclusively fantasise about having sex as a woman. Cis men don't want all the feminising effects of HRT. Cis men don't wish they were born a girl. And cis men most definitely don't wish to be trans.
Obviously this is entirely up to you and I shouldn't tell you who your are, but I went through a lot of the same feelings. When I started seriously questioning my gender, I was really afraid that I wouldn't end up being trans and so couldn't transition. One of the turning points for me was realising that wanting to be trans and being trans are the same thing! There's no 'trans police' that could tell me "no, you're not trans, you can't transition" - the only thing stopping me was myself!
Regarding hair, I can't offer much advice here, other than that it absolutely is worth seeing what HRT does for you first. I know a woman who transitioned at 35 and wears wigs, but uses them as another way to express herself and looks absolutely stunning! (Also HRT is magic and if it can more or less completely feminise someone at 35 it can most definitely work for someone at 29!)
I'm personally happy with how it's affected my sex life - yes, things are different than they were before, but I can still get horny when I want to and the way my body reacts is much more satisfying than it ever used to be. If you're worried about infertility you can visit a fertility clinic and freeze sperm before starting HRT.
Regarding dysphoria etc, I was in a similar boat to you. I didn't mind presenting as an (unattractive) guy. I had fantasies of being a girl, but that's just harmless fantasy, right?
The thing is: cis men don't exclusively fantasise about having sex as a woman. Cis men don't want all the feminising effects of HRT. Cis men don't wish they were born a girl. And cis men most definitely don't wish to be trans.
Obviously this is entirely up to you and I shouldn't tell you who your are, but I went through a lot of the same feelings. When I started seriously questioning my gender, I was really afraid that I wouldn't end up being trans and so couldn't transition. One of the turning points for me was realising that wanting to be trans and being trans are the same thing! There's no 'trans police' that could tell me "no, you're not trans, you can't transition" - the only thing stopping me was myself!
Regarding hair, I can't offer much advice here, other than that it absolutely is worth seeing what HRT does for you first. I know a woman who transitioned at 35 and wears wigs, but uses them as another way to express herself and looks absolutely stunning! (Also HRT is magic and if it can more or less completely feminise someone at 35 it can most definitely work for someone at 29!)
This is a good post, I can relate to a lot of it, including how HRT has affected my sex life. I think it's been pretty much all positive so far. I did take the step of freezing sperm before starting because it's covered by insurance here, even though I'm 99% sure I don't want bio kids ever. I want to be able to make that choice at any point.
Indeed. Even breast growth is reversible, but only to a degree. At some point, they will stay. I can't remember the exact amount of time (which varies from person to person anyway), but I believe all changes will be reverted if one stops taking hormones within 4-6 months or so. Mental/emotional changes will happen pretty early on, so this means I have at least four months to see how it feels and decide whether I would like to go through with it or not.
I keep hearing this, but I just don't feel it. I feel like.. a crossdresser. Like a guy in a costume. Saying "I am a woman" or "I am transgender" out loud - or even thinking it to myself - feels.. wrong. It just feels wrong :/
I just want my egg to crack already..
I can't imagine living fulltime wearing wigs. It's so problematic and cumbersome. Mentally, it would only reinforce the feeling that I'm wearing a costume. I would feel fake. And practically, there's several issues: They get screwed up so fast and have to be cared for so much, and their lifetime is short-lived nonetheless. I've had to replace my favorite one three times already. They're itching from time to time, and when I'm sweating (e.g. in Summer), it's sometimes unbearable. When there's strong wind, I'm terrified of losing them. This has never happened so far, but the fear that it might happen is really stressing me out. I have not been in strong rain so far, but even light rain has taken its toll on them.
Living fulltime and being outdoor as a woman would be stressful and terrifying enough - I don't want to have to deal with all of this shit in addition. I couldn't handle it.
Note: So far, I've only worn cheap (<€40), synthetic wigs from Amazon. I was told that there are high-quality wigs which feel so real, you don't even notice you're wearing a wig. I want one of them..
My wigs have never been particularly itchy but they have also been more pricey. Hair also used to be one of the major issues that deterred me from transitioning. But after I started I can say that life has never been better.
And wearing a wig doesn't make you fake. It's of course a bit unfortunate to have to rely on one but it's not the end.