When is it ok to be resentful?

BladeoftheImmortal · Mar 10, 2019

Can't sleep tonight. Just thinking about all the shit in my life (don't come in here saying other people have it worse. I know that already).

My parents have always helped my brothers out more than me. One they even lent 50k for a house loan right out of college so he could build equity. When I asked for help to do the same they said no.

I got better grades than him in school and tried harder. Got scholarships and worked while going to school while he took out a student loan that my parents helped pay back. When my dad died. He got my father's car (I got his watch). He makes a lot more money then me now and owns two homes because they helped him. I'm still unemployed and hate my fucking situation to no end.

After my father died. My mother gave a car I really liked and had asked to have when I came back from China (cheap Ford fiesta) to my druggy sister that totaled it.

Maybe I'm sounding selfish but I feel like I got the rawest fucking deal in my family. Oh and my mom bought like three trailers for her new boyfriend and like 10 cars that he's supposed to fix up and sell. Meanwhile the help I get is to move back in with them while I look for a job. Which I'm grateful for, mind you, but the house is infested with roaches and not finished. Like water pipes busted and other shit.

Like I said. I know I've got it better then many out there but I feel like I should be able to get the same help they have my older brother. I know being resentful isn't good for me but why do I get all the trash in the family when I did the most work?

Anyways. Make fun of me as much as you want. That seems all I'm good for.

MC-MC · Mar 10, 2019

While it sucks that it seems your were treated differently from your siblings, you do sound entitled. No one owes you anything; get a job, and once you're in a better financial position move out, and then decide if it's worth having them in your life. Sorry if that sounds harsh.

BladeoftheImmortal · Mar 10, 2019

MC-MC said:
While it sucks that it seems your were treated differently from your siblings, you do sound entitled. No one owes you anything; get a job, and once you're in a better financial position move out, and then decide if it's worth having them in your life. Sorry if that sounds harsh.

What do you think I've been trying to do?

I have a bachelor's that hasn't gotten me anywhere. Even though my bachelor's is better than my brother's.

No one owes me anything but I owed them my whole upbringing to get treated differently it seems.

Jecht · Mar 10, 2019

I have a similar situation with a fuck up sibling of mine. I brought it up to my dad in a particularly raw moment a few years ago. His response stuck with me, but only dulled the hurt I felt. He told me that he never really worried about helping me in the same way because he knew I would be fine either way and my sibling wouldn't.

My advice to you is to let this go and make your own path. Familial relationships aren't some kind of meritocracy. You aren't going to get the same benefits they did and nothing will change that, certainly not dwelling on it. It sucks, but thats the rub.

BladeoftheImmortal · Mar 10, 2019

Jecht said:
I have a similar situation with a fuck up sibling of mine. I brought it up to my dad in a particularly raw moment a few years ago. His response stuck with me, but only dulled the hurt I felt. He told me that he never really worried about helping me in the same way because he knew I would be fine either way and my sibling wouldn't.

My advice to you is to let this go and make your own path. Familial relationships aren't some kind of meritocracy. You aren't going to get the same benefits they did and nothing will change that, certainly not dwelling on it. It sucks, but thats the rub.

I've been trying to make my own path for ten years now. A little support would help. But I'm the last one thought of in the house.

Fat4all · Mar 10, 2019

I resent that question

Jecht · Mar 10, 2019

BladeoftheImmortal said:
I've been trying to make my own path for ten years now. A little support would help. But I'm the last one thought of in the house.

Dude your mom isn't going to be able to help you get a good job. Stop attributing your long term failures to others and not yourself. Her not giving you the down payment on a house isn't the reason you live with her, because obviously it was a good move for her not to to that since you can't afford a mortgage right now.

BladeoftheImmortal · Mar 10, 2019

Jecht said:
Dude your mom isn't going to be able to help you get a good job. Stop attributing your long term failures to others and not yourself. Her not giving you the down payment on a house isn't the reason you live with her, because obviously it was a good move for her not to to that since you can't afford a mortgage right now.

I moved to China. Learned Mandarin. Went to school again while working at the same time. Took care of myself and my gf at the time that couldn't get a good job herself. Sorry but I've worked hard. And now I'm back to square one again because no one even gives me a job interview. How hard do I have to work too be worthy of help?

This is literally why I'm pissed off. How hard do I have to pull the bootstraps before I actually get somewhere?

Jecht · Mar 10, 2019

BladeoftheImmortal said:
I moved to China. Learned Mandarin. Went to school again while working at the same time. Took care of myself and my gf at the time that couldn't get a good job herself. Sorry but I've worked hard. And now I'm back to square one again because no one even gives me a job interview. How hard do I have to work too be worthy of help?

I don't even know where to begin here.

Employers don't owe you an interview just because you applied and worked hard somewhere else, and again, your family isn't to blame for your employment status.

You aren't actually looking for advice, you just wanna complain and be validated for it.

BladeoftheImmortal · Mar 10, 2019

Jecht said:
I don't even know where to begin here.

Employers don't owe you an interview just because you applied and worked hard somewhere else, and again, your family isn't to blame for your employment status.

You aren't actually looking for advice, you just wanna complain and be validated for it.

Because I've done more than most. And I can't even get interviews. Of course I'd be upset. Who wouldn't? Am I a human being with feelings and dreams too or not?

Rory · Mar 10, 2019

We are living in a society where effort means nothing.

Each individual has different advantages over others, and most of these advantages are not received by effort but either dealt to you by default (being abled bodied for example) or through your social family situation in forms of financial help, strong contacts or simply emotional support.

It is unusual to experience this gap in society within a family, especially because for many family represents a secure save haven.

In the end a family is just society in a minature picture, so you could say it saves you a lot of time to come to the realization that life is unfair way sooner than others.

Vern · Mar 10, 2019

There are still lots of jobs in China. And it just teaching. Why don't you use the skills and experience you have?

Or try Taiwan if you are over china? Why choose to live in America if you don't have to?

BladeoftheImmortal · Mar 10, 2019

Rory said:
We are living in a society where effort means nothing.

Each individual has different advantages over others, and most of these advantages are not received by effort but either dealt to you by default (being abled bodied for example) or through your social family situation in forms of financial help, strong contacts or simply emotional support.

It is unusual to experience this gap in society within a family, especially because for many family represents a secure save haven.

In the end a family is just society in a minature picture, so you could say it saves you a lot of time to come to the realization that life is unfair way sooner than others.

I learned that a long time ago, yes. Maybe when my father called my ten year old self a fatass good for nothing (like, I'm ten dad). Even though he passed away fatter than me.

I don't get why people reading this skip over stuff. I know others have it worse, but I feel like when my parents give my druggy sister who has tried to get my parents arrested before a monthly allowance but won't help me then I can feel a little resentful about it.

Could we at least let me vent about how a little unfair that checks out without calling me lazy or a failure?

CarpeDeezNutz · Mar 10, 2019

BladeoftheImmortal said:
Because I've done more than most. And I can't even get interviews. Of course I'd be upset. Who wouldn't? Am I a human being with feelings and dreams too or not?

You are omitting something out of your story.

BladeoftheImmortal · Mar 10, 2019

Vern said:
There are still lots of jobs in China. And it just teaching. Why don't you use the skills and experience you have?

Or try Taiwan if you are over china? Why choose to live in America if you don't have to?

I'm just tired of teaching. I never wanted to do that as a career and I feel I bring value to the table in other capacities that, so far, have never been able to be exercised in any way. I would just like one chance to prove my worth.

Vern · Mar 10, 2019

BladeoftheImmortal said:
I'm just tired of teaching. I never wanted to do that as a career and I feel I bring value to the table in other capacities that, so far, have never been able to be exercised in any way. I would just like one chance to prove my worth.

Don't teach. There are a lot of jobs in china.

Anthony Hopkins · Mar 10, 2019

Use your pain, to motivate yourself to reach your dreams.
You will show everyone just how special you are.

ZeroDS · Mar 10, 2019

Yo OP. I don't care what anyone says but being resentful is a part of the human condition and nothing to ashamed about. Growing up and going to a catholic school I was always taught that it was shameful and sinful but it isn't.

Be resentful but don't get swallowed by it. Allow the feeling to come and pass.

FaceHugger · Mar 10, 2019

It's always OK. Anger is a gift.

Deleted member 2625 · Mar 10, 2019

You have to stop comparing yourself to your family. Just remove that frame altogether. You keep saying, when do I get help? Ok, never. Now what? Move on with your life and stop looking for the cookie.

BladeoftheImmortal · Mar 10, 2019

CarpeDeezNutz said:
You are omitting something out of your story.

Which part? I'm trying to give as much info as possible. I had a 3.56GPA at University. When I graduated I looked for jobs but only got scam offers (selling knives) or retail stuff that I had been doing while going to school anyways. Then I found a job teaching at a university in China so I took it. But I want to do what I studied for in school now.

Vern · Mar 10, 2019

BladeoftheImmortal said:
Which part? I'm trying to give as much info as possible. I had a 3.56GPA at University. When I graduated I looked for jobs but only got scam offers (selling knives) or retail stuff that I had been doing while going to school anyways. Then I found a job teaching at a university in China so I took it. But I want to do what I studied for in school now.

No job cares about gpa. What was your major?

rras1994 · Mar 10, 2019

BladeoftheImmortal said:
Which part? I'm trying to give as much info as possible. I had a 3.56GPA at University. When I graduated I looked for jobs but only got scam offers (selling knives) or retail stuff that I had been doing while going to school anyways. Then I found a job teaching at a university in China so I took it. But I want to do what I studied for in school now.

Which is.....?

BladeoftheImmortal · Mar 10, 2019

Nerfgun said:
You have to stop comparing yourself to your family. Just remove that frame altogether. You keep saying, when do I get help? Ok, never. Now what? Move on with your life and stop looking for the cookie.

But then how do I do it? It hasn't worked by myself so far. I need someone to give me a shot. I can prove my worth if I Can't even get a foot in the door.

Rory · Mar 10, 2019

BladeoftheImmortal said:
I learned that a long time ago, yes. Maybe when my father called my ten year old self a fatass good for nothing (like, I'm ten dad). Even though he passed away fatter than me.

I don't get why people reading this skip over stuff. I know others have it worse, but I feel like when my parents give my druggy sister who has tried to get my parents arrested before a monthly allowance but won't help me then I can feel a little resentful about it.

Could we at least let me vent about how a little unfair that checks out without calling me lazy or a failure?

I have read that, but the reason why your mom favours one child over the other doesnt really matter, would it?

Fact is, life is unfair. And that it's just unfair treatment might be better than her actual reason. Or it is her only reason who knows. It doesnt matter.

If you want your life to change you can sulk and pity yourself, that wont get you anywhere. Then I honestly dont know what you expect us to say? Or you get up and try your best... its tiresome and frustrating but gets you somewhere.

There wont appear a princess in a golden armor to boost you, manage yourself and get over your family. Try to reach out, improve further educational etc.

Revolsin · Mar 10, 2019

The solid bright side is that hardships like this are the epitome of great experience. Your brothers and sisters simply don't have the experience dealing with issues that you do as they didn't deal with consequences.

I had a pretty downer life as well for quite a while, but looking back on all those bad times now? I'm glad they happened. I'm better off than a lot of other people right now mentally and just in general because I had to see those bad times and actually get through them on my own.
Like being fat? No one told me a cure for that. I worked for years of being made fun of or looked down upon till I finally found a diet that worked. Looking at that now, the whole experience taught me the ability to change for the better. I can still apply that same experience now and try harder at things, because I know change is possible.

Someone who hasn't had to struggle for a job for example, just got it in the first shot, doesn't know how to present themselves. They don't know how to behave, how to make better resumes, all because they never had the experience. And when that problem presents itself? They'll obviously be far worse off.

It's the same for you. Know that these experiences will help you, and keep striving to be better. You aren't stuck as you are. There's dozens of techniques to help with resumes and interviews for example, in fact there's dedicated youtube channels specifically for it.

BladeoftheImmortal · Mar 10, 2019

Vern said:
No job cares about gpa. What was your major?

rras1994 said:
Which is.....?

Major was marketing but my brother's was fine arts and he got worse grades. So I don't really get why I haven't gotten job offers after graduation. Even entry level stuff.

I graduated in 2009. Not a good year for it. Thought the job market would be better here now.

BladeoftheImmortal · Mar 10, 2019

Rory said:
I have read that, but the reason why your mom favours one child over the other doesnt really matter, would it?

Fact is, life is unfair. And that it's just unfair treatment might be better than her actual reason. Or it is her only reason who knows. It doesnt matter.

If you want your life to change you can sulk and pity yourself, that wont get you anywhere. Then I honestly dont know what you expect us to say? Or you get up and try your best... its tiresome and frustrating but gets you somewhere.

There wont appear a princess in a golden armor to boost you, manage yourself and get over your family. Try to reach out, improve further educational etc.

But I have been giving my best for a long time and it hasn't gotten me anything. So I don't really get what I should do.

Edit: I've rewritten my resume about 15 times already. I've sent about 100+ resumes out and had one call back. They seemed interested in me then ghosted me. This was over the phone.

Everyone keeps saying just keep pushing but it's getting to me. I'm tired of trying and getting no where.

rras1994 · Mar 10, 2019

BladeoftheImmortal said:
Major was marketing but my brother's was fine arts and he got worse grades. So I don't really get why I haven't gotten job offers after graduation. Even entry level stuff.

I graduated in 2009. Not a good year for it. Thought the job market would be better here now.

I think you are just unlucky. It's been a long time since you graduated and you haven't any marketing job experience and unfortunately, that can count against you. Maybe try to target companies which have China as a major customer? Your experience of the country and language skills could help set you apart there?

BladeoftheImmortal · Mar 10, 2019

rras1994 said:
I think you are just unlucky. It's been a long time since you graduated and you haven't any marketing job experience and unfortunately, that can count against you. Maybe try to target companies which have China as a major customer? Your experience of the country and language skills could help set you apart there?

You are probably right. I've been putting some in for Chinese companies but haven't gotten any calls. It's just really getting to me. It's not like I haven't tried.

storaføtter · Mar 10, 2019

It is okay to be angry and be able to be resentful at times. However, it leads us nowhere. I can sympathize with your problems, but in the end we cannot provide any answers or options. It is obvious that you are seeking some help or guide out there. I do not agree with some notions of just trying more or harder will make things magically work. You have to do things differently in your life than ever before. If nothing works, I would imagine lower expectations and work with something else. You could be one of the unlucky people who have a hard time getting hired or keeping a job.

Nothing is impossible, but you just have to keep fighting as there is nothing to be done. No welfare state to give you further training and education, family to give you an extra hand. Only have to shift and change expectations or life will just continue to wear you out and it is not worth living.

gigaslash · Mar 10, 2019

BladeoftheImmortal said:
Edit: I've rewritten my resume about 15 times already. I've sent about 100+ resumes out and had one call back. They seemed interested in me then ghosted me. This was over the phone.

Depends on how tough the market in your field is, you'd probably need to do more. Luck plays a big role in landing a job, experience plays a big role (for that you might need to do internships before you get smth permanent). Don't forget that there a lot of new grads in the same field, people who now now have more experience than you. Unless you leverage your previous experience/skills or get more basic exposure in your field, it'll always be an uphill battle. Considering looking for jobs abroad. See if you can get yourself into an advanced degree.

Tokyo_Funk · Mar 10, 2019

Resentment to me has always come from hindsight.

I remember when I was younger, I had the chance to be a foreign exchange student, but I decided to stay because I thought I would miss my friends. They ended up back stabbing me in the end and I wished I had gone instead.

BladeoftheImmortal · Mar 10, 2019

Tokyo_Funk said:
Resentment to me has always come from hindsight.

I remember when I was younger, I had the chance to be a foreign exchange student, but I decided to stay because I thought I would miss my friends. They ended up back stabbing me in the end and I wished I had gone instead.

Sorry to hear it.

Tokyo_Funk · Mar 10, 2019

BladeoftheImmortal said:
Sorry to hear it.

It's all good man, what I learned is that I really should chase my hearts desires or take risks more, should I lose out on something greater. Well that and try to not let emotions bog me down.

nemoral · Mar 10, 2019

You'd be better off discussing this stuff with a therapist, where you might get some help with the feelings rather than venting on the internet. Every family has unfairness in it, and everyone deals with unfairness in life. How you deal with that is a lot of what being a grown up is about. If you have issues with your family, talk to your family. Venting here is just going to get people to mock you or commiserate with you, neither of which is really helpful.

BladeoftheImmortal · Mar 10, 2019

nemoral said:
You'd be better off discussing this stuff with a therapist, where you might get some help with the feelings the venting on the internet. Every family has unfairness in it, and everyone deals with unfairness in life. How you deal with that is a lot of what being a grown up is about. If you have issues with your family, talk to your family. Venting here is just going to get people to mock you or commiserate with you, neither of which is really helpful.

Don't have money for a therapist at the moment. Hell. I don't even have health insurance right now. Hope I don't have a heart attack before I find a job

Travo · Mar 10, 2019

I feel like we are missing something to this story that makes your relationship with your parents different than it is with your siblings.

CarpeDeezNutz · Mar 10, 2019

BladeoftheImmortal said:
Which part? I'm trying to give as much info as possible. I had a 3.56GPA at University. When I graduated I looked for jobs but only got scam offers (selling knives) or retail stuff that I had been doing while going to school anyways. Then I found a job teaching at a university in China so I took it. But I want to do what I studied for in school now.

Maybe I am wrong but these kinds of threads, something always comes out wherein the problem lays. Either way nothing wrong with venting.

Deleted member 1445 · Mar 10, 2019

There's people in this forum being resentful of small things in Captain Marvel - so yeah, in your case, you would be ok in feeling resentful. It's normal to feel that, I felt resentful of your family while reading your OP.

So, find out what you want to do with your resentfulness. Do you want your mom & family to recognize you, and change? Do you think that's possible? Do you even want it? Depending on these answers, you can either try to resolve it with your family, or you can decide to set a boundary with them, so you don't have to feel this all the time. Which is also something to figure out, where would this boundary lie for you to be comfortable and not be encumbered by these negative feelings, that are obviously inhibiting you? Total cut off? Once a month visits?

Simultaneously, you have your own situation. You want to get a job, and get on your own feet. Regardless of your feelings of resentment - I think it seems clear that your mom isn't suddenly going to change and offer you help. You're in a bit of a difficult position, and you're in a bad home situation that brings you negativity, so in that regard, it's all about focusing on finding a job and getting out there. If you keep at it, you will find a job, I know, a job search is soul crushing, but as people in this topic are saying - it is mostly luck. Focus on changing up how you search for a job, keep trying. You got your Bachelors, you can work hard. You know you have the cred to do this, so even though you're feeling negative in this situation, know that you can work yourself out of it, like you have before.

Kyuuji · Mar 10, 2019

How old are you OP?

Also feeling resentment is fine and an emotion people can't help but feel at times. That said it's not going to improve your position or make your family more likely to aid you suddenly, so at some point you need to bury it and move forward.

'But look how hard I've worked and what I've accomplished' - that's great and an interesting story but again - life isn't going to throw you a bone because you crawled up a hill to get it. Focusing on this is natural and frustrating but won't improve your situation.

Keep working hard, keep putting yourself out there and keep taking the opportunities that arise. Will it guarantee anything? Of course not but it gives you the best shot. Think about new avenues in life and professions you might enjoy and try and find satisfaction in those things.

Ultimately you have to become happy with where you're at in life regardless of your siblings and perceived parental differences.

Mcspooky · Mar 10, 2019

i can see why you feel this way. But keep in mind that your family wont change. So you are stuck doing this by yourself and you wilk have to become brutally honest with yourself in what it is might be that is not working and what to do next.

First of take any job right now. Stockroom, waiter, newpaper delivery.. Anything to get some income. Get a routine going including a workout and healty diet. Once you get a little income see if you can pay for a resume consultant at a job center. And go back to school ( local college or online). build more skills. Keep applying for the next job and the next. As you do each job apply yourself 100% no matter what it is. Learn , take whatever experience you can from it and move forward.(sometimes a step back) meet people and network, network, network.( smile) .
Who knows you might develop skills and experience for a needed niche market.
It is not (only) what you know, but who you know!!!

Keep your eyes and eara open for opportunities and take them. Some might not pan out..but thata ok. Each mistake is still experience.
Good luck op.

BladeoftheImmortal · Mar 10, 2019

Kyuuji said:
How old are you OP?

Also feeling resentment is fine and an emotion people can't help but feel at times. That said it's not going to improve your position or make your family more likely to aid you suddenly, so at some point you need to bury it and move forward.

'But look how hard I've worked and what I've accomplished' - that's great and an interesting story but again - life isn't going to throw you a bone because you crawled up a hill to get it. Focusing on this is natural and frustrating but won't improve your situation.

Keep working hard, keep putting yourself out there and keep taking the opportunities that arise. Will it guarantee anything? Of course not but it gives you the best shot. Think about new avenues in life and professions you might enjoy and try and find satisfaction in those things.

Ultimately you have to become happy with where you're at in life regardless of your siblings and perceived parental differences.

Life throws plenty of people bones though.

Kyuuji · Mar 10, 2019

BladeoftheImmortal said:
Life throws plenty of people bones though.

It does, but working hard doesn't guarantee shit for most. Best you can do is keep putting yourself out there and try to find satisfaction in other things to, or as I said look to a new profession or industry.

Life threw me a bone last year and I've worked shit hours at shit jobs for years, sharing resentments of my own over the years at how lucky people seemed to have got.

I'm just saying what you feel is natural but you'll need to get past it one way or another to be happy.

BladeoftheImmortal · Mar 10, 2019

Kyuuji said:
It does, but working hard doesn't guarantee shit for most.

True. I'm going to keep at it but it still pisses me off

Chairmanchuck (另一个我) · Mar 10, 2019

I mean you could still go back to China, build something up. I wonder since you have been so long in China, how much did you save up?

Native english teachers for XDF, Wall Street English and all the other "big, official" language schools earn around 20-30k RMB each month and after a few years even more. And even then with a marketing degree it shouldn't be that hard to still work in China at least for 2-3 more years to save up something.

From what it seems you dont have any thing that ties you to America. No house, a family that doesnt appreciate you, no wife, no gf, no job while you actually had a gf and a job in China.

And like Vern said. If not China, why not try out Taiwan? If you can speak Mandarin maybe there will be some opportunities in a more "western influenced society".

BladeoftheImmortal · Mar 10, 2019

Chairmanchuck said:
I mean you could still go back to China, build something up. I wonder since you have been so long in China, how much did you save up?

Native english teachers for XDF, Wall Street English and all the other "big, official" language schools earn around 20-30k RMB each month and after a few years even more. And even then with a marketing degree it shouldn't be that hard to still work in China at least for 2-3 more years to save up something.

From what it seems you dont have any thing that ties you to America. No house, a family that doesnt appreciate you, no wife, no gf, no job while you actually had a gf and a job in China.

Saved up 10k. Many of those years I was supporting two people and going to school. I save all the time but still gets taken away😂😒😔😭

Edit: I'm 32 and worried about retirement. I only have 20k in an IRA I started plus the 10k to live off of while job hunting. Going back to China means I wouldn't get SS here because I haven't put in enough to get it at whatever age it is by then. Shit will only get more expensive from here and I want to actually have a good life. That's why I get so fucking pissed. I'm smart enough to know how shit my future is right now.

Kyuuji · Mar 10, 2019

BladeoftheImmortal said:
True. I'm going to keep at it but it still pisses me off

You should, a drive to improve one's situation is a strong boon to have. Use that frustration to keep going.

Chairmanchuck (另一个我) · Mar 10, 2019

BladeoftheImmortal said:
Saved up 10k. Many of those years I was supporting two people and going to school. I save all the time but still gets taken away😂😒😔😭

That doesn't seem that much though. I mean in China as a native english speaker even besides the FT job there are a lot of opportunities just because you are a white native foreign speaker. "Part time" teaching classes. Translation freelance jobs etc.
On my way to work in China I translated for another company that netted me around 15€ each hour more.

But like I asked. Why do you want to be in America, when there is actually nothing that holds you there? You had a job in China, a gf and so also a family.

BladeoftheImmortal · Mar 10, 2019

Chairmanchuck said:
That doesn't seem that much though. I mean in China as a native english speaker even besides the FT job there are a lot of opportunities just because you are a white native foreign speaker. "Part time" teaching classes. Translation freelance jobs etc.
On my way to work in China I translated for another company that netted me around 15€ each hour more.

But like I asked. Why do you want to be in America, when there is actually nothing that holds you there?

Can't do a million side jobs when going to class.

When is it ok to be resentful?

Woke up, got a money tag, swears a lot

"This guy are sick"

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